Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
SOPHIE
There are things I already knew but couldn’t fully grasp. Like the size of the sea, which—when I saw it in front of me—left me speechless.
And then there are things I thought I knew, when, in fact, I didn’t have a clue. That’s how I feel about Cole. I thought he was always angry and closed off and just… Cole.
I had absolutely no idea.
No matter how hard I tried, there’s no chance of finding the right words to describe what it meant to me that he showed me the ocean.
Nothing can depict how I felt when he stood behind me with his hands on my hips and his chest against my back while the wind whipped the salty air in my face and I heard the rumble of the waves, which was then overpowered by his softly spoken words close to my ear.
Open your eyes, little darling.
Again and again, I hear his voice in my head, making my heart do somersaults. And with each replay, it becomes clear that I can never be sure what he’ll do next. One moment, he’s cursing and pushing me away, and the next, he’s asking me to lie next to him or showing me the sea.
There’s only one thing that’s nonnegotiable for me: Cole lied.
When he said he wasn’t nice, that was a lie, even though he really seems to believe it himself. But I know better. I just feel it. He’s not a bad person.
Still, I can sense this deep hatred he carries constantly. A hatred that seems to be directed mostly at himself, and it’s breaking my heart. At the same time, I have no idea how to make him understand that, to me, he’s not one of the bad guys.
Cole stands on the stairs and looks at me with raised eyebrows. "You’ll never see him again if you don’t come with me."
I shake my head.
It’s Tuesday, so Buster will be released from the vet clinic today. And since Cole doesn’t want him, he’s going to the shelter. I couldn’t bear to look into the dog’s loyal and loving eyes, knowing that he would have to live in a kennel indefinitely.
Cole explained to me that the shelter is like an orphanage, only instead of children, animals live there. And that they often stay there for a very, very long time, and sometimes even die there if nobody wants them.
It shocked and saddened me to hear that, and the anger I felt once again because Cole let this happen was almost unbearable. Even more so since he had been so cheerful and nice before. I wanted to hate him for not taking Buster, but I just couldn’t, and that made me even angrier.
After Cole left, I sit on the sofa for a while and try to get Buster out of my head, but I don’t succeed, so I reach for the phone Cole bought me this morning. I watched Jules using hers, which made it easier for me to take in Cole’s explanations when he showed me how it works.
I tap the message icon and then Jules’s name. It takes forever to type the words, but when I finally succeed without errors, I tap Send.
Buster is being released today and will be taken to a shelter.
Jules’s reply comes within a few seconds.
:’(
Wanna talk about it?
I consider it for a moment, but before I can answer, the phone rings and her name appears on the screen. I tap the green icon and hold the device to my ear.
"Hello?"
Jules’s voice is a mixture of joy and concern as she greets me. "Hey! How are you?"
I try to get into a more comfortable position, which is not so easy since I’m holding the phone with both hands because I’m afraid of dropping it. "I’m sad. And angry."
"Because of Cole?"
I nod and pull a face until I remember that she can’t see it. "Yes. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t want Buster."
Jules sighs on the other end of the line. "Honestly? I don’t really understand it either. But I think it’s because he believes he’s not good enough."
"Not good enough? For Buster?"
Inhaling audibly, she seems to search for the right words. "He believes he’s not worthy of anything good in his life. Do you know what I mean?"
Confused, I shake my head. "But why would he think that? Everyone deserves something good. And he does have you. You’re something good."
Jules laughs sadly. "That’s really sweet of you.
But the only reason I’m still part of his life is because I refuse to let him push me away.
’Cause he tried. Trust me." She sighs again. "Cole has done some things in the past that weren’t right. He’s made mistakes he can’t forgive himself.
Because of that, he doesn’t allow himself to be happy.
He doesn’t think he deserves it. And a dog could possibly make him pretty happy, so… "
"That’s cruel," I say softly when she doesn’t continue. "He deserves it as much as anyone else."
"No need to tell me." The sadness in her voice makes my heart clench.
"Jules?" I say eventually because I can’t stand the silence that has settled in after her last words.
"Yes?"
"He misses you."
"Did he say that?" she asks, her voice cracking.
"Yes. He misses you a lot. And I think he’s afraid you won’t come back."
A muffled sob comes from the small speaker. "I miss him, too. Both of you. And of course I’ll come back!" Her voice sounds distorted before she sniffs.
"I didn’t mean to make you cry," I say ruefully, my throat tightening at her words.
She must have found a tissue because she blows her nose before answering. "It’s okay. It’s not a big deal."
"Okay." That’s all I can say, but Jules can still hear how hoarse my voice is.
"Are you crying now, too?"
When I answer with an indistinct yes, she starts laughing, though the sobs don’t subside. "Stop it! You’re making me cry even more."
But it’s already too late, so we both laugh tearfully while she keeps saying how much she misses us, and I return it.
"You’re the best first friend one could imagine," I say sincerely when we’ve calmed down a bit.
"Oh no… I’m going to cry again, dammit." Jules makes a frustrated sound that causes us both to sob out laughing again.
I never thought making friends would involve so many tears, but I decide that I don’t mind. Because much more important is the warmth with which this friendship fills my heart.
I’m lying in Cole’s bed, flipping through a magazine that Jules left here. The articles in it are about diets, so-called one-night stands, and countless people I’ve never heard of.
"Sophie?" Cole’s voice snaps me out of my astonishment.
I put the magazine aside and sit up. "Yes?"
"Close your eyes," he instructs me, still being on the first floor.
I don’t feel like another surprise. I’m still sad about Buster and don’t think anything could cheer me up. "I don’t want a surprise," I call out loudly, but Cole doesn’t give up.
"Just do it!" His voice is louder, but I still can’t see him as I look toward the stairs.
"Did you close them?" he asks when I don’t reply.
Sighing, I do. "Yes."
I can clearly hear him climb the last steps before a new, strange noise is added.
It sounds like fast steps of many legs, but not dull.
More like… clicking. Just as I’m about to ask Cole what it is, something lands on the bed beside me, and I cry out in shock as a wet warmth drags across my face.
When I open my eyes, a dog knocks me over, apparently desperate to sit on my lap.
"Buster!" Laughing, I try to stop him from licking my face while he makes high-pitched whining sounds and jumps around on the bed.
"Sure you don’t want that surprise?"
I try to push Buster off me to look at Cole. He stands at the foot of the bed, grinning at me with his hands shoved into his pockets.
"Why—How—" I stumble over the words, not understanding why Buster is here.
"I thought you could use a friend." Shrugging, he watches Buster continue to try to shower me with dog kisses.
A huge lump forms in my throat as my chin begins to quiver. I scramble past Buster until I reach the foot of the bed and literally throw myself at Cole. He doesn’t even sway a bit before he wraps his arms around me.
"But I already have Jules and you," I say in a cracked voice against his chest as tears of joy escape my eyes.
Cole strokes my hair with one hand. "You can never have too many friends, little darling."