Chapter 36 Cole
THIRTY-SIX
COLE
My head is empty. There isn’t a single clear thought left, and even though I know what I’m doing is fucking wrong, I can’t stop.
Sophie’s body shudders, trembles, and tenses under me as I kiss her and push into her with slow, careful thrusts. Her body grips me so tightly that I’m about to lose my mind, thinking I’m already in hell because holding myself back is pure torture.
When her muscles twitch more and more violently around me, I have to break the kiss and bury my face against the crook of her neck, where I moan her name softly.
Her fingernails dig into my shoulders as she arches her hips to meet my movements. Instinctively, her body begs for more, and the sounds escaping her soft lips tell me it’s pure lust that makes her cling to me like this.
With every minute that I move inside her in that controlled way, she presses herself more against me, until I surrender and quicken my movements.
My thrusts get faster and harder until we’re both breathing heavily, and she whispers my name like a prayer.
Her voice floods my entire being, and when her muscles close tightly around me and she moans loudly, I can’t hold back anymore either and come with her.
For a brief moment, nothing exists around us.
There is only her and me. Just our bodies losing themselves in each other and becoming one for a small eternity.
I’m dying inside her, and I don’t care. I don’t care that it was wrong, and I don’t care that I should never have let her decide because at that moment, there is no right or wrong.
There’s just Sophie and me and the certainty that for the first time in years, I don’t feel like I’m just surviving.
While our hearts beat like crazy and our breaths come out way too fast, I lift my head and force myself to look at her.
Her cheeks are flushed, her lips slightly parted, and her eyes closed, but her features are relaxed.
I kiss her one last time before slowly pulling out of her and lying next to her.
She immediately turns onto her side and curls up, snuggling against me.
I’ll take care of the condom later. There’s no way I’m leaving her alone now; I can’t bring myself to do that.
She has just had what was likely the most profound experience of her life so far, and it feels wrong to get up now and leave her here as if she were just some meaningless hookup.
So I put my arms around her and pull her gently against me, while I press my lips to her hair and breathe in her pure scent.
"You okay?" I ask again because I need to make sure she’s fine.
Sophie nods but says nothing. She must be exhausted, so I wait until her breathing is calm and deep before I carefully free myself from her grip and stand.
I pull the blanket over her body and look at her for another moment while my conscience rages because of what I just did.
Goddammit… She’s only been away from home for a week, experienced her first kiss just two days ago, and now I slept with her.
But I don’t allow myself to have those thoughts.
Not now. Not after it was so perfect. I don’t want to take this away from Sophie or myself, which is why I only go to the bathroom quickly and out with Buster for a moment before I lie back down and wrap my arms around her again.
When Sophie awakes around noon, my right arm is numb, but I don’t give a fuck. I couldn’t and wouldn’t let go of her. I didn’t want her to wake up and think I’d left her alone or run off again like I did after our first kiss.
She blinks a few times until she realizes she’s draped half over me and why that is. Immediately, her cheeks flush, but I don’t let her move away from me. Instead, I search her gaze, paying attention to every little movement of her face.
"How do you feel?"
"Good, I think. It… just hurts a little."
Instantly, guilt overtakes me and forces me to my knees. Until just now, I could still pretend that all this wasn’t that dramatic. But now I can no longer deny what a piece of shit I am for having done this to her.
"Fuck… Darling…"
Now I’m the one who wants to move away from her, but Sophie wraps her arm around my waist and holds me tight.
"No, please. Stay here," she pleads, looking at me with begging eyes. "I’m fine. Really. You… warned me. I knew it could be like this."
Even though it’s damn hard for me, I return her gaze. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am," she replies, nodding, and then snuggles up to me again, drawing little circles on my bare chest with her fingertips.
Everything inside me rebels and wants me to get as far away from her as possible because nothing about this is okay. But for Sophie’s sake, I force myself to relax.
"I thought I’d feel different afterward," she says eventually, lost in thought.
"And, do you?"
She shakes her head. "No. Not really."
Even though her words fail to lessen my self-loathing, I keep my voice calm and composed. "Is that a good or a bad thing?"
Sophie ponders as her fingers continue to stroke my chest, creating a stark contrast to the kind of touch I’ve known in the past few years.
It’s crazy how fundamentally opposite we are. She’s the light that sees only the good in everything, and I’m the darkness where there’s only hate, anger, and regret.
"I think it’s good. I like how I was before. I wouldn’t have wanted to feel any different now."
It fascinates me that she thinks that way because I have been denied that very feeling for years. I can’t remember a day when I didn’t despise myself for what I did. Yet I have to admit to myself that, at this very moment, I actually feel a sense of peace.
Milena is still there. Of course she is. She’ll never disappear, nor should she. Yet I feel a deep inner peace and… hope.
I realize that it’s not always about distinguishing between right and wrong.
That sometimes, there might be no right or wrong at all because the cards are reshuffled over and over again.
Every day we get the chance to decide differently.
Every day is a new beginning, and it’s up to us which path we want to take.
It’s never too late to try.
Remembering Sophie’s words makes me smile. Despite her inexperience, she carries a wisdom that’s opened my eyes.
When my phone starts ringing, the sound makes me groan. "It’s Jules," I mutter, almost annoyed, as I reluctantly let go of Sophie. "She’s going to rip my head off if I ignore her."
Sophie nods and gets up to go to the bathroom while I roll over and reach for the smartphone on the nightstand.
As usual, Jules doesn’t let me get a word out as I take the call. "So? Did you fix it?"
Closing my eyes, I rub my fingers across my forehead. "Yes, I did."
"Good," she says sternly before her voice softens a bit. "Is everything else okay?"
Grimacing, I flat-out lie to her and immediately change the subject. "Everything’s fine. How about you? How’s Chicago?"
She lets out a contented grunt before answering. "Chicago is fucking big, and loud, and… I don’t know. Just different. But it’s also great to be here and finally meet everyone."
Hearing Jules like that calms me down significantly. She sounds happy, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted for her. Still, I can’t stop my instincts from kicking in because she’s not near me. "When are you coming back?"
She thinks for a moment before continuing in an almost worried voice. "I think I’ll stay another week. Can you manage without me for that long?"
"Sure," I say with a grin. "We’ll be fine."
"Okay…" Jules drags out the word, pauses for a moment, and then continues. "How’s Sophie? Can I talk to her?"
Again, I scrunch up my face, reacting like a coward. "She’s in the bathroom right now, but she’s fine, too."
When I hear voices calling for Jules in the background, I almost breathe a sigh of relief.
Fuck. I’m really an asshole.
Jules puts a hand on the microphone and says something I don’t understand before speaking to me again. "I’ll get back to you later, okay? My little sister wants something."
The pride in her voice is unmistakable, so I say goodbye with a smile on my lips and then set the phone aside.
At the same moment, Sophie comes out of the bathroom as if she had only been waiting for me to end the call.
She has a large towel wrapped around her hips, but only looks briefly at me before avoiding my gaze.
"I think we need to change the sheet," she says softly, but with clear discomfort in her voice.
When I realize what she’s talking about, I stand, go to her, and gently put a hand to her cheek. "It’s not a big deal. It’s just a sheet."
"I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be having my period right now." She looks past me and chews on the inside of her cheek, which almost makes me furious.
"Hey, little darling. Look at me."
Still, she refuses, but this time, I don’t force her and just keep talking.
"There’s nothing to be sorry for, you hear me? Nothing. Besides, I don’t think it’s period blood. It’s probably because of what we did." I just can’t bring myself to say out loud that I took her virginity.
Finally, she lifts her gaze and looks at me with a hint of confusion. "Is it normal that it bleeds?"
"It can happen the first time, yes," I explain in a calm voice even though everything inside me is raging. "But it’s nothing to worry about or be ashamed of."
Fuck… what have I done?
Of course I know there can be some slight bleeding and that there’s not much I could have done to avoid it. But still, it’s like a punch in my gut, making what I did feel even more real and, in a twisted way, kind of barbaric and cruel.
"Come on," I say, reaching for her hand. "I’ll run you a bath."
Sophie nods and lets me lead her back into the bathroom, where I turn on the bathtub faucet and throw in one of the bath bombs Jules left here. Immediately, the water turns purple while the smell of jasmine settles heavily around us.
"I’ll get you some clothes. Be right back."
I don’t mind picking out underwear for her. I’ve stolen some for Jules countless times before I made enough money from the races for her to buy some on her own. So I don’t overthink it. I just grab some simple panties and an equally plain bra, hoping both are comfortable.
When I re-enter the bathroom with a slight knock on the door, Sophie is still standing there with the towel around her hips, watching the mountain of foam grow larger and larger.
I put the clothes down and go to her before bringing my hand to her cheek again.
She lifts her gaze and looks at me with those huge amber eyes that do things to me that I still don’t understand.
"Take your time, okay?"
She nods as I gently stroke the corner of her mouth with my thumb before lowering my hand again. "Thank you."
I remain silent because I don’t deserve her thanks, then turn away to leave her alone.
I walk to the bed and flip the blanket aside, my stomach turning at the sight.
It’s not that I have a problem with a woman’s blood.
To me, any guy who finds that even slightly disgusting is simply a jerk.
No, that isn’t it. It’s the fact that the tiny blood stain on the otherwise snow-white sheet feels like a monument.
A stark reminder that only a few hours ago, I took the virginity of the girl who appeared out of nowhere in my life just six days ago.
Yes, Sophie may have literally begged me to do it, but I still shouldn’t have given in to her. It was wrong and selfish and unforgivable because she had no idea what she was saying. And I still did it.
Cursing, I pull the sheet off and dispose of it in the dumpster outside so she doesn’t have to see it again. I, on the other hand, will never forget the sight. It’s burned into my retinas forever, a permanent reminder of what a bastard I am.