Chapter 37 Sophie
THIRTY-SEVEN
SOPHIE
The hot water doesn’t make me forget the pain and the blood, but it makes it easier for me to stop thinking about it. Instead, I lie in the fragrant purple water and relive the morning in my head.
It was overwhelming and almost frightening how the desire engulfed me and took over my thinking.
But I probably wouldn’t have been able to convince Cole to continue otherwise.
I never would have been able to feel his hands on my body and especially there.
Wouldn’t have experienced how gentle yet possessive he can be, and that there’s nothing to be afraid of when it comes to him.
I wouldn’t have experienced what it’s like to be so close to another person and what Cole feels like.
Not for one second did I regret insisting on getting what I wanted.
There was not a single moment of doubt because it was the only right thing to do.
I hope that I never forget the feeling Cole triggered in me, and that my first time stays so clear and vivid in my memories.
So overwhelming, shattering, and beautiful.
When the water starts to get cold, I get out of the tub but ignore the towel Cole has laid out for me. Instead, I stand in front of the high mirror and look at my naked body.
Immediately, my eyes are drawn to my neck, where there’s a slight redness.
I only vaguely remember Cole nibbling and sucking on my skin, but I know there was no pain.
It didn’t hurt because I’ve been in a state of euphoria, so even this slightly rougher way of making my body into something that belongs to him felt good.
I avert my gaze from the redness on my neck and let it wander once from head to toe. My body remains the same, yet it seems as if it is radiating and pulsating. As if a glow surrounded it. As if Cole’s touch had brought it to life.
Until now, I never thought about whether I was beautiful. It wasn’t important to me, so I didn’t concern myself with it. But now I find myself wondering if Cole thinks I’m pretty.
I look at the soft swell of my breasts. At my belly and the gentle curve that forms my waist. I take in my hips, which are a little wider than my shoulders, and look between my legs.
Contrary to Jules’s suggestion, I haven’t shaved.
I don’t know if it bothered Cole, but I don’t care right now.
Maybe someday I’ll ask him about it, but for now, I decide that everything is fine as it is.
After getting dressed, I leave the bathroom and walk over to Cole, who stands next to the motorcycle in front of one of the floor-to-ceiling windows, smoking a cigarette.
I follow his gaze outside and don’t look away even when I notice from the corner of my eye that he’s turning his head to glance at me.
"Can I ask you something?"
He exhales a cloud of smoke and nods. "Sure."
I search for the right words but just can’t bring them past my lips yet. "What did you do before you… you know…"
He thinks for a moment until he understands what I’m talking about. "You mean the condom?"
Frowning, I look at him after all. "What is that?"
He takes one last drag from his cigarette before stubbing it out in an ashtray. "It’s for protection, so you don’t get pregnant."
His words make me feel uncomfortably warm in an instant. Why didn’t I think for a moment that this is exactly what sex leads to?
"You mean… I won’t be able to have children?"
A smile appears on his lips as he turns to me, puts his hand on my cheek, and strokes the corner of my mouth with his thumb; a gesture he seems addicted to. As he does so, he lets his gaze wander over my face and gives a slight shake of his head before answering me.
"You can still have kids," he explains patiently. "Just not from this one time."
Frustration arises in me. At the same time, I feel terribly stupid, which is why I turn away and look out the window again. "I’m not sure I understand."
My mother taught me about getting pregnant, but she never said a word about preventing it.
She always made it sound as if sex would inevitably lead to babies.
It was only for procreation and, apart from that, a sin in any way.
However, she also never told me how pleasurable and utterly breathtaking it could be, so…
"Come on," Cole urges, moving away from me. "I’ll show you."
I follow him and sit down next to him on the edge of the bed while he retrieves something from the nightstand. It’s a small, shiny silver pouch. After tearing it open, he pulls out a rubbery ring and rolls it between his fingers until he’s holding some kind of tube that’s closed at one end.
It looks like a tiny sock made of a slick, stretchy material.
"The man puts it on his penis," he says, holding the condom between us so I can get a closer look. "That way, the sperm can’t get into the woman’s body. It stays in here." At his last words, he points at a small tip at the sealed end.
I look at the strange object and tilt my head. "So… this was on you and then… inside me?"
Cole nods. "Yes."
"What happens to it afterward?"
Shrugging, Cole stuffs the condom back into the small package. "You throw it away." Then he stands up to do just that.
"Do you always have to use one?"
Cole turns back to me and leans against the kitchen counter. "Not necessarily. There are other contraceptives, but condoms are the only ones that also protect against sexually transmitted diseases."
I widen my eyes in shock. "Diseases?"
He nods again, his expression now serious. "Yes. Gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV… A condom keeps you from getting infected if your partner is ill. It can save lives."
"So you should always use one," I conclude.
"If you’re with your partner for a long time, trust each other, and you’re both healthy, you can do without it."
Lowering my eyes, I think about his words.
So I didn’t really feel him because the condom was in between.
The thought makes me sad, but at the same time, I’m relieved that I won’t become pregnant.
But what other contraceptives are there?
And what are these diseases he was talking about?
Why are they transmitted through sex, and how does he put on that condom anyway?
My spinning mind doesn’t seem to escape Cole.
"Don’t worry," he reassures me, squatting down in front of me and brushing my hair aside so he can look at me. "You won’t get pregnant or ill."
"Can we take Buster out?" I ask without returning his gaze. "I think I need some fresh air."
He laughs softly before placing his hand under my chin, lifting my head, and kissing me softly. "Sure. Anything you want, darling."
As we lie on the couch in the evening after a several-hour walk, Cole has started a movie that Jules thinks I really need to see.
Unfortunately, I don’t even remember its title because I can’t focus on anything but Cole.
My back is against his chest, and he has an arm around me.
I can feel his breath on my neck. Every time the warmth brushes my skin, a shiver wants to take hold of me as that heat spreads through me once again.
After a while, I have to admit that it’s pointless. I have no idea what the movie is about and can’t ignore Cole’s body for a second longer, so I turn to him. My hand rests against his broad chest as I look at his face, my gaze lingering on his lips.
"What’s wrong, little darling?" he asks lazily as he looks away from the TV and at me. "You don’t like the movie?"
I shake my head slightly and, cheeks warming, confess what is nothing but the truth. "I like you better."
He chuckles softly and pulls me closer before moving his hand up my back to slide his fingers into my hair. "You surprise me over and over again, you know that?"
His touch sends tiny shock waves through my body, which is why I just shake my head again instead of answering anything.
A smile tugs at the corners of Cole’s mouth before he kisses me.
Carefully, his lips touch mine, sending a rush of giddiness through me as my body pushes against his of its own accord.
I sink into the sensation of this kiss until I feel Cole’s hardness pressing against my leg and involuntarily gasp.
"I’m sorry," he murmurs after pulling away from me slightly. "But you’re driving me crazy. I can’t help it."
"Is that good or bad?"
He gives a low growl that makes his chest vibrate against my palm and kisses me again before answering. "That’s good. Very good, even."
His words cause me to feel strong all at once. Almost powerful. The feeling reminds me of the moment I fired the gun even though it’s also quite different. Because it’s not power over life and death. It’s power over Cole. And it lifts me up immensely.
Gathering all my courage, I let my hand slide over his T-shirt, feeling the muscles underneath and wishing the fabric would disappear.
"I want to touch you," I admit and immediately feel Cole smile against my lips.
"Do you want me to take it off?"
I’m still nodding as he already sits up to pull the piece of clothing over his head. I kneel beside him on the cushion, shamelessly staring at him as he leans back.
Cole’s body is a work of art. He reminds me of the pictures of ancient sculptures in the history book we had at home. He’s the living image of the statues of the ancient gods. Everything about him radiates pure strength and looks flawless to me.
When I lift my gaze back to his face, he returns it with a mischievous smirk. "Like what you see?"