Chapter 46 Sophie
FORTY-SIX
SOPHIE
My heart is about to explode. Any moment now, it will happen. I know it.
It’s crazy how much an organ can take. It beats, falters, stings, cracks, breaks, and stops beating, but it still keeps on loving.
And oh, how it loves! Every single beat of my heart is for Cole, no matter how hard he tries to push me away.
It beats solely for him, and I will not allow him to ignore that.
I will not allow him to give himself up and go to prison for something he didn’t even do.
He’s too precious, even if he can’t see it himself.
"Did you just swear, darling?" There’s disbelief in his voice, but he doesn’t turn around to look at me.
"I tell you that I love you, and that’s all you hear?" I ask him almost angrily. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Finally, he turns around so I can look into the silver that has followed me everywhere for so many weeks. I can look at the hard features that never scared me, and at the lips that I miss so painfully on mine.
Cole stares at me with a blank expression, and I can literally feel him slipping away. I can see it in his eyes. He tries with all his might to push me away, but I won’t let him do it again.
I circle the table and approach him. He watches me closely until I stop in front of him and meet his gaze with urgency. "You’re not going to leave me like this. Not again."
I’m not shedding any more tears. Over the past few days, I’ve cried enough.
Now I’m just incredibly angry because he’s giving up and taking the decision away from me again.
I will not allow him to do that. There were so many things in my life that I just let happen.
But this… I’m not going to give this up without a fight. Not him. Not us.
As he tries to turn away again, I raise my hand and place it against his cheek in a firm grip to stop him. "Don’t you dare, Cole. Don’t you dare leave me again."
He freezes, looking at me silently, and I can see everything in his eyes all at once.
Everything. The brokenness and the guilt.
The pain and the self-loathing. The grief and the fear.
Every single emotion strikes me through his stormy grays, but I focus on just one.
Focus on the one that makes everything else irrelevant.
On the only thing I need from him that counts: the love.
After an endless minute, he finally speaks, the barely audible words almost breaking my heart. "I can’t, little darling. I don’t know how to do it."
Seeing that he has run out of strength, I tighten my shoulders and stay strong. "You can and you will."
Before he can say anything back, I wrap my arms around his neck, stand on my tiptoes, and finally place my lips on his.
"Miss, no tou—"
Mr. Eliander interrupts the guard in an unusually harsh voice. "Oh, be quiet. This man is innocent, dammit."
I pay no further attention to him and also ignore the officer who shifts uneasily from one foot to the other, unsure whether he should intervene. All I focus on are Cole’s warm lips against mine and his arms that are finally lifting me up and pressing me against him.
"What are you doing, darling?"
He desperately mumbles the words against my mouth, but I immediately silence him again by continuing to kiss him.
He still smells like Cole. Of leather, tobacco, and campfire. And even though I know he can’t have had a single drop in days, I taste the whiskey as our tongues touch. He’s exactly as I remembered him. He’s everything I could ever dream of and need.
Breathing heavily, I break the kiss and press my forehead against his, keeping my eyes closed. "Take back the confession. Please. I need you out there. I need you with me," I plead softly so only he can hear. "Jules and you, you’re all I have. So please come back."
When he says nothing back, I lift my eyelids to look at him. Pain is written all over his face, and as a tear runs down his cheek, I want to stop the world for him.
"Come back," I beg one more time and kiss the tear away, hoping to also take away the suffering he has burdened himself with in such a barbaric and, above all, pointless way.
Finally, he lifts his gaze and looks me in the eye. I don’t know what he’ll do. I can’t tell if I’ve managed to reach him, or if he’s already lost.
Eventually, he shakes his head slightly. "You’ll never listen to me, will you?"
My heart already wants to cry out because I think he’s putting me down, but then he keeps talking, raising his voice.
"Officer, I need to make a statement," he explains, keeping his gaze locked on mine. "And I need to make it right now."
That’s when the tears come. Everything in me breaks open as I realize that he’ll take back his statement. That I haven’t lost him. That the man I love will come back to me.
It turns out that it’s easier to arrest someone than to release him back into freedom. Even more so if he confessed to something he did not do at all.
Mr. Eliander, who had indeed dropped Cole as a client, provided us with the contact information of a colleague who specializes in cases like this. Although the procedure was still lengthy, it ultimately proved successful.
Cole’s release was ordered, the investigation was discontinued, and all charges were dropped. The psychologist with whom I had to talk for hours also contributed significantly, as she was able to confirm that I was fully sane and that I had not been forced or harmed by Cole in any way.
However, I have not seen my mother since the day we went to the police station.
I only called her once to tell her I wouldn’t be coming back.
She was devastated, but I just couldn’t get over the fact that she had coldly handed Cole over.
I don’t know if we’ll ever have a good relationship again, or a relationship at all.
And although it hurts that I may have lost my mother, it was still the right decision for me.
So it’s finally over.
It’s the day of Cole’s release, and I stand in the middle of his warehouse loft, looking around, until I say what I’ve been thinking all morning. "He’s going to hate it."
"Bullshit," Jules firmly objects. "He’ll be delighted."
"No," I say, dragging the syllable out. "He’ll hate it for sure."
The room is decorated with colorful streamers and helium balloons we’ll probably never get down again because the ceiling is too high.
A huge banner that reads WELCOME HOME! stretches from one wall to another, and a chocolate cake sits on the dining room table.
Buster is wearing a colorful cardboard hat he hasn’t torn off his head yet as if he understands what its significance is.
And Jules has found some champagne somewhere although I’m pretty sure Cole will be more pleased with the bottle of Jack Daniel’s sitting right next to it.
He will hate it. But Jules was unstoppable when his new lawyer told us the date of his release.
She dragged me to the same Walmart we made the first purchase of my life almost four months ago and randomly threw whatever decorative and party items she could find into the cart.
Even the new sound system—from which a terribly cheerful song is currently playing—is here only because she bought it.
She went into a real frenzy, which is why I quickly gave up trying to slow her down.
When I look at what she did with this room, however, I regret this decision a little bit.
"What time is it?" Jules asks as she’s filling the last balloons with helium.
"Almost two." While I’m answering, I’m wondering if I can somehow contain the extent of her decorating craze without her noticing.
"Oh shit! I gotta go!" She lets go of the balloon, which flies away with a whistle until it’s empty and lands limply on the ground, and grabs Cole’s car keys. "You sure you don’t want to come?"
I nod before talking myself out of it, needing a few minutes to myself. "Yes. Someone needs to stay with Buster."
She looks at me for a moment, but shrugs her shoulders, turns away, and runs down the stairs. A moment later, I hear the loud bang of the steel door, then she’s gone.
"He’s going to hate it so much," I say once more, to which Buster sneezes as if he agrees with me.
I turn away and head to the bathroom to get ready.
On the inside of the door hangs the dress that Jules and I picked out for today.
It’s black and form-fitting, reaches mid-thigh, and has a neckline that’s not too revealing.
When we bought it, I thought it was perfect for this day, but as I look at it now, I realize that it’s just not me.
I might have been through a lot in the last few months, but I’m still me even though I have encountered a world so foreign to me that I almost lost myself in it.
I have fired a gun, been kissed for the first time, and nearly succumbed to a broken heart after losing my innocence.
All of this has changed me. It made me stronger and showed me that both my mother and Cole were right.
The world can be a terrible, dangerous place.
There is still an infinite number of things I don’t know and still want to experience.
I don’t know what it’s like to ride a roller coaster or sit on a horse.
I still can’t swim, and I don’t have a driver’s license.
I’ve never been to school and haven’t had to see a doctor once. The list is endless.
But both of them still got something wrong.
I belong in this world. I need it, with all its suffering and sadness and pain, but especially with its adventures and friendships and love.
And with Cole, who showed me what it even means to live and be myself.
I don’t need a dress for any of that, though.
I just need him, and I can’t wait for him to finally come back.
When I hear the slamming of the car doors because I turned off the music, I stand. My heart is beating up to my throat, while breathing suddenly becomes difficult.
Seconds later, I hear footsteps on the stairs and immediately recognize them as Cole’s. The sound of his heavy boots on the metal is unmistakable, and my excitement rises immeasurably.
He reaches the landing, stops, and looks at me. Me, only me. As if I were everything that exists in this world. As if there were nothing else around us.
A small eternity passes before he makes a step forward. I run toward him, jump into his arms, and cling to him. His scent envelops me and calms my heartbeat as I hide my face in the crook of his neck. Leather, tobacco, campfire. Cole.
He presses me against him but then puts a hand on the back of my neck and forces me to look at him.
"Thank you for not losing me," he whispers against my lips while tears well up in my eyes.
"That’s all you have to say?" My voice sounds hoarse and distorted, but Cole understands me anyway.
He shakes his head slightly, kisses me, smiles, and captivates me with his gaze. "I’ve loved you from the beginning, little darling. I’m sorry I was too blind to see it."
After he says the words, he kisses me again, and I realize that we were both right.
We are like day and night. But we can’t exist without each other either.
At least, that’s what we thought…