Chapter 14
THERE’S SOMETHING I WANT YOU TO KNOW
VICTORIA
It’s been so long since I’ve left Madrid that the idea of going back to Ibiza and walking on its beaches has become what I want most right now.
During our conversation, I didn’t mention anything to Carolina, but her wedding has become the perfect excuse to take a break from work and spend some time on myself; the newspaper can be exhausting, and these past few weeks I’ve felt a little overwhelmed.
Besides, Alfredo’s visit has only made things worse, and I haven’t stopped thinking about what we talked about on Friday and his move to Le Monde—and the fact that they might very well offer me the deputy editor position…
I don’t know if I’m ready to accept it. That job would mean a lot of changes, and I don’t want to have to make them in my life just to pursue my dreams.
When I got divorced and Alfredo found out I was looking for a job in Madrid, he offered me the chance to join the editorial staff at El País, and I couldn’t say no.
It was what I needed—an escape—and for the first two years, everything was both very easy and very complicated at the same time.
Getting used to the void left by Elena was terrible; I couldn’t sleep, my habits were awful…
I stayed away from the group for a long time because I knew everyone would judge me as the one to blame for the situation, and I didn’t want to admit my mistake.
I withdrew into myself, sinking to the point of regret and finding myself driven several times to go in search of the love of my life.
But, in the end, the routine and day-to-day life at the newspaper absorbed me, and before I knew it, I had become a robot.
I got used to my life and carried on as if nothing had happened. And so it went, until Joana appeared.
I’ll always remember the day she arrived at the newsroom and Pepa introduced her.
She was from the Seville bureau, and her Andalusian accent, along with her infectious laugh, turned a cloudy, rainy autumn day into a brighter, more interesting one.
From that moment on, we started talking, and the connection was immediate.
I never thought I’d find someone with whom I could feel comfortable again, a person I could call a friend and with whom I could be myself; Carolina was far away, and she became what I needed—a daily source of support who was there for me and pushed me to keep going without knowing what was going on with me.
I didn’t see her change in attitude toward me coming until one day, after a night of drinking, she threw her arms around my neck and kissed me.
I didn’t push her away because I was really drunk, and I agreed to sleep with her, knowing that the person I missed was Elena.
The next morning I apologized and told her I couldn’t give her what she wanted, but her stubbornness got to me and in the end she got her way.
It’s barely nine o’clock at night; she’ll be here soon, and even though I’ve tried not to think about all this, it’s been impossible.
I don’t know how I’m going to tell her that I haven’t been able to forget my ex-wife all these years, that our relationship began when I missed her the most, and that I moved on because I wasn’t strong enough to confess the truth to her.
I never wanted to talk to her about my past because I didn’t feel the need to, but now I have to, and I know things won’t go well once I confess how I feel.
It’s only been a few days since I received the invitation, and I have to be honest with myself and admit that ever since I read Jorge’s name, Elena has taken root in my mind like the flame of a bonfire that refuses to go out.
I haven’t stopped thinking about her, imagining her, wondering how she’s doing, if she’s forgiven me for making her suffer so much.
Part of me is afraid to face her and look into her eyes again; it would break my heart to see resentment and bitterness there, but if that happens, I know I deserve it.
I suppose these are things I’ll find out once we see each other, but fear can drive you crazy, and that’s exactly what’s happening to me right now.
Joana has no idea what’s in store for her once she walks through my front door, so I’ve tried to organize a casual dinner and pretend that things are going well.
The other night she stayed over, I could barely sleep, tossing and turning, and the next morning I had to tell her that my insomnia was back for good.
I don’t even know why it’s so hard for me to open up; maybe it’s the mark left by my constant fights with Elena that pushed me to do this.
In just over fifteen minutes, the food arrives, and I hope she won’t be much longer.
The great thing about living across the street from each other is that we’re just a stone’s throw away, we don’t have to navigate Madrid’s traffic to meet up, and that makes it so much easier for us to get together.
I’m so nervous that I’ve been pacing around for several minutes; I’ve lit and blown out the candles because I realized it was a bit too intimate, I’ve changed my clothes three times, and I’ve had to hide the bottle of wine because I refuse to welcome her while drunk.
It’s crazy, and the worst part is that I don’t know why I always end up in this kind of mess.
Trying to relax a little, I grab my phone and start writing Inaki a message—not too long—in reply to one he sent me.
He asked if I was going to Jorge’s wedding, since he’d be there too thanks to the witches of Zugarramurdi or something like that, and he hoped I wouldn’t turn him down because of the whole Elena thing.
Something inside me pushes me to believe that my friends want things between us to work out, but not even Saint Isidore would be able to fix this mess.
“The only one who can change things is you,” I remind myself before jumping up and being startled by the doorbell.
“We ran into each other outside.” Joana looks at the delivery guy and then gives me a curious little smile. “Did you order dinner from my favorite Chinese place?”
“You know I did.” I take the bags of food and thank the man. “I didn’t really feel like cooking, and I thought this was the best option.”
“No problem. I love it.” Joana wraps her arms around my neck, smiles, and kisses me on the lips as if we hadn’t seen each other in months. “What a night I’ve picked to confess things to you,” I think before swallowing and smiling at her a little. “Although I like you better.”
“I don’t buy that. I wouldn’t trade you for chocolate,” I admit, and that makes us both laugh. “How did it go with your parents?”
“Neither good nor bad. You know how they are.”
“I get it,” I say as I bring out the plates so we can sit down to eat. “Sometimes they’re a pain in the neck. But if you look at it from another perspective, we’ve been a pain in the neck for them, too. So…”
“Were you really?” she asks, leaning against the kitchen island. “I can’t picture you being a rebel.”
“Well, yes. I didn’t pay them much attention and always did my own thing,” I confess, remembering the past. “Even as I got older. That said, I really regret not listening to their advice sometimes.”
“Like what…?”
“Do you want to eat dinner on the couch or at the table?” I reply, ignoring her question. Joana stares at me, waiting for me to say something, so I opt for the couch and carry both plates over there. “Grab the wine. I put it in the fridge to chill.”
The silence surrounding us right now is awkward and tense. I know I need to relax, but that’s not something I can do considering it’s very possible that my relationship with her is going to go to hell tonight.
“Well, are you going to tell me, or are we just going to leave it at that?” She sets the glasses on the coffee table and sits down, crossing one of her legs. “Because you know I hate it with all my heart when people leave me hanging.”
“There’s something we haven’t talked about,” I explain briefly. “And I know I should have told you because there’s a good chance that when I tell you how I feel, you’ll grab that glass of wine and throw it in my face.”
“What’s going on? Are you cheating on me?
” Joana laughs, but I can’t bring myself to smile.
I’ve always believed that infidelity looks very different depending on the person; that sleeping with someone is the same as thinking about someone else while you’re with your partner, and that’s what’s been happening to me for a long time. “I’m sure it’s not that big of a deal.”
“I have been unfaithful,” I confess. “But I haven’t been with anyone else.”
“I don’t get it, Vic. Either you are or you aren’t.”
“Infidelity looks very different depending on your perspective or the boundaries you set for yourself,” I try to explain as clearly as possible.
“If there were someone else on your mind besides me while we’re dating, I’d take it really hard and feel the same way as if you’d slept with her.
So… well…” I look away from her eyes to focus on my hands.
“I think you deserve to know that I’ve been thinking about someone other than you for a while now. ”
“And who is that?” she asks dismissively, forcing me to pay attention to her. I hate that she’s reduced Elena to that word, and I need to clench my hands to keep my emotions in check. “Because I imagine she has a name, doesn’t she?” She fills her wine glass and takes a big gulp. “Come on, tell me.”
“It’s my ex-wife: Elena.”
“Your ex-wife? You were married?” she asks, and I nod slightly. “When? How long?”
“Well… five years ago. It lasted a year and a half or so.”
“And why did it end?”
“Because I was an idiot,” I confess without hesitation. “I focused on work and put it before her. I left her alone, I hurt her in so many ways, and…”
“And she left you. That’s normal.”
“No, I was the one who decided we should get a divorce,” I correct her. “And I’ve regretted it every day since it happened.”
“So… do you still love her? Elena?”
“I’m not going to lie to you.” I look her in the eyes. “I don’t know how I feel about her right now, but I can’t tell you that my heart has forgotten her.”
“And where do I fit into your life? Why have you been with me all these months if all you’ve been doing is thinking about her?”
“Because I thought you were the right person to move on with and forget her completely,” I confess frankly.
“And why are you telling me this now? What’s changed?”
“My best friend Carolina’s wedding, and Jorge, Elena’s brother,” I reply with a sigh. “Going to Ibiza isn’t just a trip for me, it’s…”
“I see where you’re going with this. Do you want me to give you the green light to go back to your little wife?” she asks in the same dismissive tone as before. “Because if that’s the case, you can grab your suitcase right now and go to hell.”
“Don’t you think you’re going a bit too far?”
“Me going too far?” she laughs sarcastically. “You’re telling me you’re still hung up on your ex-wife, that you’ve been with me while thinking about her and…” She lets out another laugh. “I bet you’ve fucked me while imagining her.”
“I’ve never done that.”
“Yeah, right…” She downs the rest of the wine in one gulp before getting up and going to get her things. “I think I should go. I know how this is going to end, so enjoy your trip and have a great time with your ex.”
“Don’t go, Joana.”
“Why?” she asks, stopping halfway out. “Do you want me to stay? To be here with you? To stay together?”
I’m unable to give her an answer, and I don’t know how long I stay silent, but once the door to my house closes right in front of me, I know that my emotions have become much clearer to her than to me, and I suppose now I’ll have to figure them out all over again.