Chapter 1
Lily felt numb.
It wasn’t an uncommon feeling. Normally, she embraced ‘the numb’.
It was better than feeling anything. Better than being able to feel Rick touch her, kiss her. Than having to listen to her mother talk badly about her, pick at her incessantly.
The numb was safe. It sheltered her from her bitchy, so-called friends and the way they gossiped about her when they thought she couldn’t hear.
A shudder ran through her, and her stomach rolled nauseously.
Was she due for her pills? Why was she starting to feel things? Notice things?
Where was she? Blinking, she glanced out the window. Was she moving?
How did I get into a car?
Panic wanted to slip through the numb, but she shoved it down. Once she had her pills, she’d feel better. That was all she needed.
She could feel the cool leather seats beneath her. Running her fingers over the smooth material, she fought to stay in the numb.
“Are you coming back to me, Lily?” a voice said from beside her.
Lily turned her head to look at him.
His name danced around her mind, but she couldn’t seem to catch it. Like an elusive fish, refusing to take the baited hook.
Weird analogy.
It felt like something Clem might have said. Although she’d have made it sound funnier.
Clem was hilarious. And she loved animals. She always had. Lily had never quite understood her love of the outdoors and animals. She was more of an indoors sort of person.
A good book. A fluffy blanket. A cup of hot cocoa.
When was the last time she’d read a book? She couldn’t even remember . . .
When was the last time she’d seen Clem? Spoken to Clem? She had a feeling it was recently, but she couldn’t remember any of the interaction.
A strange noise hit her ears. It sounded scared.
Who was it making that noise? Were they all right? Should Lily do something?
But she wasn’t exactly good at helping, was she? Lily was terrible at making decisions. Useless. The only thing she was good for was getting married and having children.
However, she wasn’t even sure she’d be any good at that. How could she raise a child when she couldn’t even feel anything?
When she lived in the numb?
After we get married, Lily, things are going to change. I’m going to fuck you the way I want, and you can’t do a thing about it. Because I’ll own you.
Those words made her heart race faster. They were so mean. But Lily knew how to deal with mean people. After all, she’d lived her entire life with her mother, the meanest person on the planet.
All she had to do was ignore them.
You are such a wimp.
Shame tried to filter its way through the numb, and she couldn’t quite squash it down.
She needed her pills. They’d stop her from feeling anything.
Clearly, she wasn’t well if feelings were getting through.
“Lily? Hey, Lily. You’re all right. You’re safe now.”
She turned her head to look at the man again. Where was he taking her and why did he seem so familiar?
“Mo bhreáthracht, you’ve got to stop making those noises, or I’m going to turn this vehicle around, drive back to your mother’s house, and punch her in the face. I generally don’t like to hit women. However, I would make an exception for her.”
Mo bhreáthracht?
What did that mean? What language was that? She liked the sound of that word. She liked the way it wrapped around her heart and made her feel warm. She really was in need of her pills.
Wait, what had he just said? That he was going to punch her mother in the face?
She was certain she knew this man, that maybe she even liked him, because she didn’t feel scared of him. Which meant that she needed to stop him from making a big mistake.
“You can’t,” she told him.
“I definitely can,” he replied. “Like I said, I don’t like hitting women generally, and I don’t do it as a rule, but there’s very little that I wouldn’t do when it comes to you, Lily.”
That was weird, wasn’t it?
Why would a man, whose name she couldn’t remember, want to help her?
“She would hurt you.” Lily knew how cruel that woman could be.
Maybe she should come out of the numb. However, it was too hard to resist.
And Lily kept slipping back into it. In the numb, she lost track of time, of what was going on. Something had obviously happened, though, for her to be in a car with a strange man who also wasn’t a stranger.
But just who was he?
Rick’s friend.
Harvey.
Oh God. She was in a car with Harvey? Another memory slipped through the numb . . . one of him carrying her out of that dreadful house where she’d lived with her mother for far too long.
“I can assure you that there is nothing that vapid bitch can do to harm me.”
Lily jolted slightly at hearing her mother called a bitch. Not that it wasn’t true. It was just that people didn’t normally say it out loud. At least not where she could hear them.
People were too scared of her mother to say anything bad about her in front of Lily. Not that Lily cared.
“She has a lot of power. She could make things difficult.”
“No. That’s what she wants you to think, but she has no power. None over me, and definitely none over you.”
No, he was wrong. He didn’t know what he was talking about.
“She’s going to be mad that I left. I need to go back.”
“Not happening,” he replied.
Oh, hell. What had Harvey done? Why hadn’t Mother stopped him from taking her? Why hadn’t Rick or Clem?
Wait, Clem had been there, hadn’t she? Had he left Clem on her own with her mother?
That wasn’t good.
“Where is Clem?” she asked.
Where were they going? Had they been driving for a while? Where did Harvey even live? Was he taking her to his house?
Had he kidnapped her?
Lily had lived her entire life in Beacon Hill. It was a gorgeous area of Boston, but at times it had felt stifling.
Everyone had known who she was, who her mother was. She hated feeling like she was under a microscope. For the last ten months, other than going to social functions with Rick, she’d stayed at home.
Hidden from the world.
It had seemed easier that way, rather than having to pretend to feel something she didn’t feel.
“I would say she’s headed back to Texas,” Harvey said.
All right. That was good. She wouldn’t like to think of Clem being stuck with their mother.
“That’s good. Clem loves Texas. She was always happiest there.”
“And do you care about her happiness?” he asked as he pulled into a driveway with a large electric gate. The gate slowly opened as they waited.
“Of course I do.”
“Then why did you start dating Rick after he dumped Clem?”
Lily winced as the words hit hard. She knew what other people must think of her. That she’d slept with Rick behind Clem’s back. That she’d betrayed her sister.
But she’d never wanted Rick. The guy was a complete dick. However, it was what her mother wanted.
And what her mother wanted, she got.
Rick hadn’t wanted Clem after learning about her cancer. Lily had heard him say that he didn’t want his children infected by her disease.
“Rick is such a dick,” she muttered.
“Yes, he is. What did you see in him, Lily? Why were you marrying him? Was it just to make your mother happy?” Harvey started down the driveway.
Lily blinked as she stared at him, but didn’t answer. Harvey was a perceptive guy. He was smart.
A lawyer.
She’d always wondered why he was friends with Rick. At least, she used to wonder that. Back when she used to think more.
You’re thinking now.
Harvey pulled up in front of a small wooden cabin. What was this place? She was certain this wasn’t his house. Hadn’t Rick told her that he lived in Back Bay? One of the most affluent neighborhoods in Boston.
This was so far out of her comfort zone. There was nothing but trees surrounding them. No other people, no other houses. No shops or cafés. Not that she’d gone anywhere recently unless it was something to do with the wedding.
Had . . . had the wedding been called off?
Worry started to hammer at her. How much time had she lost? Where were her memories? Why were there these big gaps? Was it because she hadn’t taken her pills in a while?
“Where’s my handbag?”
“Back at your mother’s house,” Harvey told her.
Shit.
Getting angry wouldn’t help. It never did. It only made things worse. And what was the point of anger anyway?
“I need it,” she said. “My pills are in it. I need my pills.”
“No, you don’t,” he replied firmly.
He’d stopped the car in front of the cabin and turned it off. Why had he brought her here? What was going on?
Fear started to hit her. This feeling was harder to squash. She hated being afraid. Sometimes it felt like all she’d ever been was afraid and angry.
Until the numb had come.
“I do need them. I’m sick.”
“Who told you that?” Harvey asked.
“The doctor, of course. Mother took me. I’m sick. I need the pills.”
“What illness do you have, Lily?”
“I don’t remember,” she said, feeling ashamed. How could she not remember what was wrong with her?
She should know that, right?
“You don’t remember why you take those pills?” Harvey asked. “Or what they are?”
“No, but I know I need them.”
“But why do you need them? What symptoms do you have, Lily?”
She couldn’t remember . . . wait, no. Yes, she did know.
“I suffer from anxiety, and I get easily stressed. When that happens, I have blowouts. Oh, it’s my central nervous system! It gets overloaded.”
There. That was the problem.
He stared at me thoughtfully. “Blowouts? What kind of blowouts? Why does your central nervous system get overloaded?”
Why did he keep asking so many questions? And why was her memory so patchy? She rubbed her forehead before smacking it with the palm of her hand. Frustration filled her, and she started to feel out of control, her heart racing, her palms sweating.
“Hey, Lily. Lily, stop that. You’re going to hurt yourself. Stop!”
Harvey’s voice was firm, all command, but she couldn’t stop herself. Frustration flowed through her, and the numb receded slightly.
No, she couldn’t do this. She needed the numb to control herself. And to have the numb, she needed those pills.
Why had he taken her?
Why did you let him?