Chapter 1 #2
It was scary that she hadn’t even put up a protest. She just let him take her. What did he intend to do with her? What if he hurt her?
No one even knew where she was. And if they did, would they care?
Part of her hoped that Clem would, but that wasn’t really fair. No doubt Clem hated her.
Hated her for her weakness. God knew Lily hated herself for it.
“I need my pills,” she cried. “I’m not well, I need them. Please!”
“Lily, you’re fine. You don’t need your pills. Stop hurting yourself.”
He tried to grab hold of her hands, and she cried out, flinching away from him.
Did he have a needle? Was he going to hurt her?
“Please don’t. Please don’t,” she cried. “I don’t want it. I don’t want it.”
“Don’t want what?” Harvey asked. “Lily, what is going on? What do you think I’m going to do to you?”
“I don’t want to go to sleep. I don’t want to. No needle. No needle. I want to stay awake. Don’t hurt me. Don’t. Don’t.”
“Nobody’s going to put you to sleep. Nobody is going to hurt you, and there is no needle. Look at my hands. No needle.”
He held his hands up, and she stared at him frantically, her heart pounding and her breathing fast.
There was nothing in his hands, but Lily had learned that people could play tricks on her.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Lily. And I am sure as hell not going to let anyone else harm you. No needles. No going to sleep.”
She wanted to believe his words, but there was such anger in his tone, and she wasn’t sure if it was aimed at her.
Nothing good happened when someone was angry at her. That much she knew.
“I’m going to touch you now, okay?” he asked. “I just want to check your hands.”
Check her hands? Why would he need to check her hands? She glanced down at her hands to see she’d scratched the top of them with her fingernails.
Oh, she hated when she did that.
It was alarming that she couldn’t feel the pain, even though she knew at some stage it would hit her. But right now, she felt nothing at all.
He reached out slowly, which was surprising. Most of the time, people just did what they wanted to her. However, he was taking care of her emotional state.
Lily wished she could work out why.
But she couldn’t let him touch her. Not yet. Lily pulled her hands away and braced herself, waiting for his anger to lash out at her.
When nothing happened, she peeked up at him.
He was staring down at her with a strange expression on his face. He looked worried, but that couldn’t be right.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Are you scared of me?”
Of course she was scared of him. He’d basically kidnapped her. She didn’t have her pills. Mother was going to be furious that she’d left. Harvey wanted to touch her. And there was a part of her that longed to let him.
What was going on with her?
“You’re angry,” she whispered.
He nodded slowly. “Yeah, I am angry.”
Which is why she didn’t want him to touch her. If he touched her while angry, he’d hurt her, wouldn’t he?
That’s how it had always worked with Mother.
Lily didn’t want to be like her mother. Sometimes she was scared that that’s who she’d turn into. That was part of the reason she liked the numb. Because she knew she wouldn’t feel rage. She knew she wouldn’t be able to harm anyone.
“But I’m not angry at you, Lily,” he told her.
She gave him a skeptical look. Who else would he be angry with? They were the only ones here. It made no sense.
“I’m not angry at you, Lily. I’m angry at your mother. I’m angry at whoever told you that you were ill and gave you those pills that you think you need. I’m angry that you got so upset that you hurt yourself.”
Hurt herself? What was he talking about?
He nodded down at her hands.
Oh, he meant the scratches on her hands? They didn’t hurt, though.
“These don’t hurt. They’re fine. I’m not hurting myself.
And the doctor told me I needed the pills for my nervous system.
Because I get wound up. I lash out. I cause problems. I hurt .
. . someone.” She tried to think back, but she wasn’t sure who she hurt.
“Who did I hurt? Harvey, who did I hurt? What did I do? Why do I need the pills? I don’t understand what is going on! ”
Lily was finding it hard to catch her breath, her heart was racing, and she couldn’t seem to think clearly.
All she knew was that there was something in her past that was locked away and she couldn’t access it.
“I’m so confused. I don’t think I belong here. I don’t think I should be here with you!”
What if she hurt Harvey? She wasn’t sure that they’d ever spent that long together. But whenever she had seen him, he’d been so kind to her, so nice.
Unlike Rick. They were opposites in every way. While Harvey was polite, quiet, and kind, Rick was a mean, small-minded, pompous asshole.
“Here with me is exactly where you’re meant to be. Listen to me, Lily. Listen to me. I have you now. I’m not going to let you go back to those people.”
Those people? Who did he mean? Her mother and Rick? But Mother needed her, didn’t she? She always said she did, that Lily was her one chance to make things right, to fix her life.
She only had Lily left. At least Clem had gotten away. She needed to have a life of her own. She deserved to be free from their mother.
It wasn’t like Lily ever had any aspirations or dreams. Well, maybe once upon a time she had but those had long gone.
“I can’t be here, Harvey. You have to take me back.”
“I’m never taking you back, Lily.”
She shook her head. “No, no, no. That can’t happen! You don’t know what you’re doing! I need the pills. I need them, Harvey! I need them. You have to take me back! Take me back!”
“Lily!” he said sharply. “Look at me. Now.”
There was no way she could ignore him, and she turned her gaze to him, staring into his face. How was he so gorgeous? It wasn’t fair that he could be so handsome because it made it extra hard for her to think straight.
What was it that she was upset about?
“I need you to breathe, Lily. Just breathe. Everything is going to be all right.”
She didn’t know how he could be so certain. She shook her head. “The pills. I need the pills.”
“Okay,” he said quickly. “We’ll get you some pills, okay? I’m going to look after you. But to do that, you’re going to need to listen to me. Do you understand, Lily? I’m in charge and you need to listen to me.”
Why was someone always in charge of her life? Although she couldn’t deny that an instant calm came over her at his words.
“But before we do that, I need to have someone check you over and decide whether you’ve been correctly medicated.”
Lily shook her head, feeling panicked again. “No, no, you don’t understand, Harvey. I’ll hurt you. Without them, I’m going to hurt you.”