Chapter 11 #3
“Tell me what happened to trigger it all,” he said.
“Um, well, okay. I don’t remember it that well. But Mother told me that I got really upset by something. I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was to do with the wedding. Anyway, she said I lashed out, that I threw things, tore up the living room.”
“Tore it up?” he asked.
“Yeah, that I smashed stuff and just made this huge mess, and I saw photos of what it looked like afterward, so I know that was true.”
“Right.” He had some doubts about that. “Those photos could have been faked. Do you actually remember doing that?”
“Well, not exactly. I sort of remember something where I got angry, but I can’t remember the specifics of it. I don’t know why I can’t remember things. That was part of my illness—memory loss. I often lose long spaces of time.”
“Apparently, the side effects of Devil’s Breath are that you can suffer from memory loss, and also you can become quite suggestive and zombielike.”
“Suggestive,” she said, trembling.
He couldn’t stand that, so he carefully picked her up and then positioned himself, with his back against the headboard and her on his lap.
She didn’t protest, which he was taking as a win.
“It’s possible that someone told you that you did that. And you only think you did, when you really didn’t.”
Lily shook her head. “Who would do that? I don’t understand. There’s no reason why my mother would tell me that I smashed up the living room and attacked her if I didn’t.”
“She might, if she wanted you to take those pills.”
Her breathing seemed to grow faster, and he kissed the top of her head, rocking her slightly. “It’s all right, baby. It’s all over now. I have you. I’m going to keep you safe.”
“But I hurt her. You don’t understand. I saw those scratches and bruises. I hurt her. I can remember doing it. I can remember scratching at her hands. I’m certain that’s a real memory.”
“It could well be. Some of your memories could get all mixed up, muddled.”
“I don’t like this, Harvey. I don’t like the idea that I’ve lost so much of my life. That someone gave me black market pills to make me more suggestive and controllable. What could have happened that I don’t remember?”
The thought of what she’d been through made him furious, and he had to work hard to keep his temper under control.
“I don’t know, baby. I’m going to do my best to find out.” And then he’d make everyone who harmed her pay. He felt sick for her that she was missing chunks of her memory. “What did it feel like when you took the pills?”
“I don’t know. I just started to feel numb.
My emotions were there but not, they were sort of under a blanket, I guess.
I can remember sometimes where I broke through, and that’s when Mother would ask me if I’d taken my pills.
Then I’d take some and feel better. Although maybe better is the wrong word. ”
“How often did you see the doctor?”
“It was quite often, I guess. Every two weeks or so. Sometimes I would stay the night because I’d wake up in the clinic. But I couldn’t always remember getting there.”
He couldn’t imagine the terror she’d felt, although if she’d been on Devil’s Breath, she probably hadn’t felt fear back then.
No, the fear would have all come now when she realized what had happened.
She ran her hands up and down her arms. “So are you saying I don’t need those pills? But why do I feel like I can’t keep my emotions in check? I’m all over the place.”
“Anyone who had been through what you have would be all over the place. You’re having a normal reaction, baby.”
“But I hurt you,” she said. “I hurt myself.”
“You’re also detoxing,” he told her. “That’s why you’ve been throwing up and feeling so agitated and ill. Maybe that’s the reason why you’re struggling as well.”
Could that be it? Could it just be that she was going through a lot, and she was also detoxing?
But if there wasn’t anything wrong with her, that meant that she’d lost this past year for nothing.
“I’ve lost so much,” she said. “If there was nothing wrong with me, and I didn’t have to take those drugs, then I could have been doing anything. I missed out on so much time.”
But would she have done anything different? Probably not.
She was a giant coward. She didn’t know anything different from the life she’d lived, and she was too scared to try and change it.
“I’ve always been so scared of trying anything for fear of failure. For fear of disappointing Mother. And now my life has come to nothing.”
“Lily, you’re thirty-two, baby. You’ve got a lot of life left to live.”
“I’m thirty-two?” she asked. “When was my last birthday? I don’t even remember.”
She couldn’t stop the tears from slipping down her cheeks silently.
“What am I meant to do now? How am I meant to move forward from this?”
He tilted her head back and wiped the tears off her cheeks. “You get over it by finding out the truth, and then you take revenge on those that harmed you.”
“Revenge on my mother?” Could she even do that?
“Don’t worry, baby. I’ll be doing the revenge part for you. I’ll also be getting the answers for you.”
“Who are you, Harvey? You’re not simply a lawyer, are you?”
“No, baby. I’m not. But I don’t think you’re ready for that part yet. One thing at a time.”