Chapter 11 #2
“Okay, that sounds a bit odd to me,” Michaela told her. “I don’t know what you did to your mom to hurt her, but I think your doctor might have used it as an excuse to give you medicine that you didn’t need. Did he tell you what the medicine was?”
“And are you sure you hurt your mother?” Harvey asked.
“Yes, I did,” she said slowly as the memory returned. “She had scratches and bruises.”
And Lily had felt ashamed ever since.
“And do you remember giving her those scratches and bruises?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said with more certainty than she felt. She couldn’t piece together the entire thing.
The two of them shared a look, and she wished she knew what they were thinking.
“Did they explain the medication, Lily?” Michaela asked again.
She rubbed at her forehead. “Yeah, they did. They said it was something to calm down my nervous system, and it worked. I didn’t feel those rages anymore.”
“Did you feel much of anything?” Michaela asked.
“No, I guess not. I didn’t really feel happiness or sadness or fear. I was just numb. But the numb is a good thing. The numb means I can’t hurt anyone. The numb means people are safe around me.”
And the numb meant she didn’t have to think too much about her future, or about the things that she’d done in the past.
“So, Lily, on the front of the medicine bottle it says that it’s a mild sedative,” Michaela explained. “It shouldn’t have made you feel numb. And while it might be prescribed to someone who was feeling anxious and having issues sleeping, it doesn’t sound like it should have been prescribed to you.”
“Mild sedative? Well, probably a lot of people get prescribed that, don’t they?”
“Possibly,” Michaela said. “But again, it shouldn’t have made you feel numb. It shouldn’t have dulled your feelings and emotions.”
“So what are you saying?” Lily asked.
“The pills inside the bottle didn’t fully match the prescription on the outside of the bottle,” Harvey told her. “You weren’t taking a mild sedative.”
“What was I taking?” she asked, feeling fear course through her.
“You’re taking something that’s only available on the black market,” Michaela told her. “It’s called Devil’s Breath. Have you ever heard of it?”
She shook her head. “What do you mean, something that is only available on the black market? Mother’s doctor prescribed it for me. Are you saying that someone swapped the pills he prescribed?”
“Well, we don’t know what happened yet,” Harvey told her. “Did you see that doctor very often? We’re trying to do some research into him, but he seems to have a private clinic. Is that right?”
“Yes, Mother has known him for years. He has a clinic with a small hospital attached.”
“A hospital?” Michaela asked. “Really?”
“Sort of. A private one.” She wasn’t feeling very good about this conversation.
How could she have been given something that was only available on the black market? And what had those pills done to her?
“Can you give us the address, baby?” Harvey asked.
She nodded.
“Did you sometimes spend nights there?” Harvey asked her.
“Yes, I can remember a few times. Sometimes I’d be in the clinic, and then when I’d wake up, I’d be at home, and I would have lost time. I don’t even recall getting home.”
Harvey and Michaela shared a look. “What aren’t you telling me?” she asked, feeling her heart start to race. “What is it? What’s wrong? What’s with those pills? What do they do to you? Why would someone have given them to me?”
“Okay, baby, calm down. We’re going to answer your questions as best we can, but you’ve got to answer ours as well.”
Harvey reached out to touch her hands, but she snatched them back. Then she slammed them down on her thighs.
“No, tell me what is going on. I’m sick of only having half the story.”
“Baby, baby, stop. You’re going to hurt yourself. Lily, stop.”
She froze at the stern note in his voice, and then she glanced down at her hands, which she must have been smacking into her thighs over and over. But she hadn’t just hit herself, she’d also hit him.
The tops of his hands looked slightly red and remorse filled her. She drew her legs up and curled into a ball, pressing her forehead to her knees.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I hurt you. I’m sorry.”
Harvey’s heart was breaking, and he glanced over at Michaela. “Leave us for a minute.”
The older woman’s face had grown softer as she stared down at Lily. “I can give her a sedative, but that might not be the best idea.”
“No, I think she’s been given enough drugs.”
“I need them. I need them. I’ll hurt you.”
“Let me know if you need me,” Michaela said.
He nodded but didn’t reply. Instead, he stared down at Lily.
She’d made herself small, and he hated that.
Lily should never be small. She should be worshipped for the amazing person that she was, and he was going to teach her that.
He was going to take care of her, put her on a pedestal, do whatever she needed.
“Lily, I think it’s time to tell me the full truth,” he said. “I can’t help if I don’t know everything.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.” She peeked out at him and then down at his hands. “Any more than I have.”
“Baby, you think this hurts? This is nothing. And I would rather you hurt me any day than hurt yourself.”
“It’s not acceptable behavior, though,” she said.
“Acceptable behavior. Who said that?” he asked. “Your mother?”
“Everyone. This isn’t the way to act. I can’t hit people. I can’t hurt them. I can’t hurt myself, just because I can’t deal with my emotions.”
“That’s what they told you? When they said your central nervous system was out of whack?” he asked.
To his shock, she snorted. “Out of whack? I wouldn’t say they used quite such a medical term.”
He grinned, glad she could joke around. But that didn’t mean he was going to stop pressing her for answers.
“Tell me what happened the first time your mother took you to this doctor and he gave you those pills.”
“Harvey, you’d be better off just letting me go home. I’m too much work. I don’t know why you want me. You could have anybody. Why would you want someone so broken?”
“I’m going to stop you from talking about yourself that way,” he told her firmly.
“You’re not broken, Lily. You’ve got a few cracks.
You’ve been held down when you should be pushed up to shine.
But we’ve all got cracks. You think I don’t?
You think I’m not hard work? There are things about me that you’re going to struggle with.
But the point is, that now we do it together. Because I’m not letting you go.”
She stared out at him, her eyes watery from tears. He hated seeing her cry. Seeing her upset.
The only time he ever wanted to see her cry was in joy. When he had her over his knee, spanking her ass. Or when she was denied an orgasm and just couldn’t take any more teasing.
Fuck. He was growing hard at the thought and this really wasn’t the time or place.
That sort of play would have to come later.
Once she trusted him.
“But why do you want me?” she asked
“Because you’re beautiful and smart and kind. Why wouldn’t I want you?” He brushed the hair back off her face and then grasped hold of her chin. “Tell me what happened, Lily. Why did you even agree to marry Rick? Why were you taking the pills? Why stay with your mother when she was such a bitch?”
“What choice did I have? I’ve got no qualifications. I’ve never had a job. What was I going to do? No friends, no family who cared. I had nothing.”
“What about Clem?” he asked.
Her gaze moved over his shoulder. “Clem’s better off without me.”
He frowned. “Why would you say that? You’re her sister. Shouldn’t you be close to her? When she had cancer, don’t you think she would have liked you close?”
Tears dripped down her face. “I was so worried about her. I was so scared she was going to die, and there wasn’t a lot I could do to help other than to keep Mother off her back.”
Suddenly it clicked inside his head what had been happening. “That’s what you were trying to do? Keep your mother away from her?”
“Clem needed a stress-free environment to help her fight the cancer,” Lily said. “I thought that the one thing I could do was keep Mother away and take the pressure off her.”
“Is that why you agreed to marry Rick? Because otherwise you thought your mother would pressure Clem into marrying him, or someone like him?”
“I . . . I guess so. He’s such an asshole.
He dropped Clem when he found out she had cancer, as though she was defective.
He actually said that he didn’t want her to poison their future children.
If she could still have them. When Grandma June died and left Clem her place I was so relieved because I knew that was her ticket to freedom. ”
“And what about your freedom, baby?”
Lily shook her head. “I wasn’t always a great sister to Clem. I could be self-centered. I had no interest in the farm. Grandma June and Clem had a close relationship. If anyone should have that property, it was Clem.”
“Does your sister know you were trying to protect her?”
“I don’t think so,” Lily said, glancing away with a frown. “I don’t know.”
Was there more she wasn’t telling him?
“You didn’t want to tell her?”
“I didn’t want her to feel guilty or bad, I guess.
And I thought it was better for her to have a clean break from the entire family, me included.
Then Mother said she wanted her to be one of my bridesmaids.
I had to agree, even though I knew Mother would probably start picking on her, which she did.
She can never leave off about Clem’s weight. ”
“You had friends, though. What about those two girls that were going to be your bridesmaids?”
Lily let out a humorless laugh. “They’d sooner stab me in the back than help me.
If they knew the full truth of everything that went on in that house, it would be spread throughout the entire city by now.
No, I was on my own. But the pills helped.
They keep me regulated, and they keep me from feeling too much. ”
“Have you seen any other doctors?”
Lily shook her head. “No. No one else.”