Chapter 14 #2
“Don’t force it, baby. It’s better if it comes naturally. Some things might come back to you, but you have to get used to the idea that some things never will.”
She really hated that as well. But maybe it was better if she couldn’t remember some things. Part of her wished that she hadn’t remembered this.
“What else am I going to remember? What else has she done to me, Harvey?”
Fuck.
What kind of evil person did this, especially to their own child?
But there was plenty of evil in the world, wasn’t there?
There was nothing he could do to her mother to make up for what had happened to Lily.
But he could ensure that nothing bad ever happened to her again.
Part of him hoped that the rest of her memories didn’t return.
“I just feel like I was violated,” she said in a soft voice, as though she was ashamed.
Harvey wrapped his arms tighter around her. “Just remember that none of this was your fault.”
“Clem might not see it that way. Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?”
“I think Clem is one of the best people I’ve ever met, and I know that if anyone will listen to you and believe you, it’s probably her. She has to know what your mother is like, right?”
“That’s true,” she said.
“I think you’re going to need to talk to someone about all of this, baby. You can tell me anything, and you should. But you probably need the help of someone who is qualified.”
“I’ll think about it,” she said. “I don’t think I can do it right now.”
“No, but when you’re ready.”
He held her in his arms, rocking her back and forth. For the first time, Harvey was starting to wonder if his plan to keep her here was really the wisest one. After all, her mother had forced her into an engagement she didn’t want, with a man she didn’t want.
Was forcing her to stay here the smartest idea? Was he going to make things worse?
But what else could he do? Lily was meant to be his. He knew that deep down inside him.
“You always take care of me, don’t you?” she said.
“That’s all I want to do, Mo bhreáthracht. I just want to look after you.”
He waited for her to ask him to let her go. And he worried about what his answer might be, because, for the first time, he thought it might be yes.
With conditions, of course.
But she didn’t say anything like that, and relief filled him, because he didn’t want to have to make that decision right now.
You know what the decision has to be, though. You have to choose her mental health over your own needs, or you’re no better than her mother.
Fuck. He hated being self-aware.
Things would be so much easier if he could just take what he wanted, if people would just obey him without question.
“Did I wake you?” she asked.
“I hadn’t gone to bed yet. Or I would have been in here with you.”
She tensed and leaned back to look up at him. “You’ve been sleeping in here with me?”
“Of course, this is my bedroom. And I didn’t want to be too far away from you. Especially when you’ve been sick. Don’t worry, I haven’t been sleeping in the bed with you. I figured you wouldn’t be ready for that, and I didn’t want you to wake up in a fright.”
“Where have you been sleeping?” she asked, looking confused.
Hmm. She might not like what he was about to say. But he had decided that he was never going to lie to her.
There might be some things he couldn’t tell her, but he wasn’t going to lie.
Harvey had been sleeping in here?
How had she not known that he was in the room with her? Well, she had been out of it for a lot of the time.
Detoxing.
“On the floor.”
Oh no, now she felt terrible. He’d been sleeping on the floor while she slept in his bed?
“You shouldn’t be sleeping on the floor!” she cried.
“Why not?” he asked.
“Because that can’t be good for you. You’ll hurt your back.”
“Why? Because I’m so old?”
“I have a feeling that agreeing with you would be the wrong answer but at the same time it’s also the right answer,” she said.
“You brat!” He let out a chuckle as he tickled her sides.
She giggled, shocked at her reaction. How could she laugh like this after what she’d just remembered?
She’d gone from hiding under the bed with the dust bunnies to sitting on his lap and giggling like an idiot.
But it felt cathartic and some of the tension inside her eased.
“I am not old. I’m only eight years older than you.”
“Yes, so positively ancient. And your old bones can’t handle sleeping on the floor.”
“Is that an invitation to sleep in the bed with you?”
Lily tensed.
“Sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to upset you. I know it wasn’t an invitation. I’m fine on the floor.”
But that wasn’t fair. This was his bedroom. It was his bed.
“I can sleep on the floor,” she blurted out.
Although surely there had to be another bedroom in this cabin.
“That definitely isn’t happening,” he told her firmly as he stood and carried her around to her side of the bed.
Except you don’t have a side of the bed because you sleep in it on your own, not with him.
But it was all too easy to imagine them sleeping in this bed together, the way he’d hold her tight, how he’d chase away all her nightmares.
She really was coming to rely on him, wasn’t she? It wasn’t healthy. And it wasn’t real.
Lily needed to remember that.
“It’s time you got some sleep. And I’ll sleep on the floor. You don’t need to worry about my old bones.”
“Why don’t I go sleep in a different bedroom?” she suggested.
“Because I want you close, so I can be there if you have any nightmares.”
“This can’t go on forever, Harvey. This isn’t real life. This isn’t our lives.”
He sat facing her and brushed her hair back off her face. She couldn’t deny the shiver that ran through her as his fingers brushed against her skin. And the way her brain conjured up images of him touching her everywhere.
“But it could be. Shh. Don’t say anything yet. I know I can’t keep you here forever. But when you were coming down off those drugs, you needed someone to take care of you, and that person was me. And if you really need to leave, I will let you. After you give me a chance to win you over.”
She loved the way he just stated that, like it was a given.
“You’re a contradiction, Harvey Gallagher.”
He grinned. “Believe it or not, I’ve heard that a few times.”
“And a real pain in my ass,” she added.
He threw back his head and laughed. “Heard that a few times too.”
Yeah, she could believe that.