Fuck this Bullshit
Lavender
Present day
IDON’T MOVE for long minutes after Kodiak leaves, unsure what to make of his reaction and his actions versus his words. I’m so confused.
I flop down on my bed, feeling a lot like an idiot.
I wanted to get him back for art class. I guess that’s what I get for taking advice from Lovey and Lacey after they’ve been drinking coolers.
I hadn’t accounted for all the drunk jocks pawing at me.
I mean, I realized I was going to draw some attention, just not quite as much as I did.
But dealing with Kodiak and his asshole behavior is exhausting.
I’m definitely going to regret this tomorrow. More than I already do.
The next morning I’m busy working on a new costume piece.
I already handed in my costume at the end of last week and offered to start something new.
A loud thud makes me jump and almost prick myself with a needle.
I tug my earbuds free, and the sound of loud male voices filters through my door.
I push back my chair and stumble a few steps.
I’m stiff from having been in the same position for the past several hours.
It takes me a few seconds to get the lock to turn, since my eyes are still adjusting from having been staring at tiny stitches.
I rush down the stairs and find the source of the noise. “What’s going on?”
River is on top of Kodiak, aiming punches at his face. “I told you to keep your fucking hands off her!”
“She was drunk and talking to Clarke!” Kodiak has quick reflexes and blocks every shot, which makes my brother even angrier.
How does River know about last night when he wasn’t even here?
I don’t have a lot of time to think too much about that, because at the rate these two are going, there’s going to be missing teeth and bloodstains on the carpet if someone doesn’t do something to stop it. And apparently that someone has to be me.
I latch on to River’s arm, but he’s on the down swing and drags me to the floor beside Kodiak. When I’m elbowed in the neck, I quickly conclude I’ve made a mistake getting in the middle of their fight.
Then suddenly the fighting is over, because I’m flopping around on the floor, holding my throat and gasping for breath. I remind myself of a dying fish, but man, that really hurt.
“Oh my God! Are you okay?” River reaches for me, but I kick at him, because no fucking thanks.
The fighting resumes.
“Look what you did now!” River yells at Kodiak.
“You attacked me! And you’re the one who dragged her to the floor!” Kodiak shouts back.
“Stop!” I wheeze.
They both do that weird man thing where they don’t know what to do to help, so they push each other back and forth, trying to get ahead of the other, I guess.
I roll over and get to my feet, clutching my throat protectively. At least now I know what my defense maneuver will be, should someone ever attack me. “What is wrong with you two?” I rasp.
River shoves his phone in my face.
I snatch it away so I can see whatever the damn problem is. “Where did this come from?”
It’s a picture of me, slung over Kodiak’s shoulder. I’m flailing, and he looks like he’s on the verge of murder.
“Someone took it last night,” River growls and spins toward Kodiak again. “I told you not to put your hands on her!”
“You think it would’ve been better if Clarke had gotten his hands on her? That guy’s is a colossal douche!” Kodiak yells back.
I am so damn tired of this. “Are you serious with this?” I shout. It’s the only way to be heard over their bickering.
Both of them turn around.
“First of all, I’m not an idiot. I know Clarke is a douche, and I would never, ever be stupid enough to end up in a room alone with him.
Secondly, do you hear yourselves? I’m not a child.
I’m an adult. If I want to drink an idiotic amount of alcohol, wear a thong bikini, and flirt with a dickhead, that’s my goddamn prerogative.
” Although saying it out loud, I can see every single flaw in that terrible plan.
“I get to make my own damn mistakes, just like the rest of you. The double standard around here is ridiculous! Maverick has a new ‘girlfriend’ every month, and bunnies are constantly hanging off the two of you. But I talk to one freaking guy, and Kodiak becomes a damn caveman, and now the two of you are going to what? Punch each other out over it?” I throw my hands in the air.
“You know what? I’m done with this. I cannot and will not be defined by something that happened when I was six years old. I don’t need a set of bodyguards.”
They’re both heaving and angry, and now so am I. I shove past them and head back upstairs.
“I was trying to stop you from doing something you’d regret!” Kodiak calls after me.
I spin around. “No. You weren’t. You were being a dick, and I’m done with it.
And you”—I point a finger at River—“need to chill out and take the Flowers in the Attic down a few notches. I get that you want to protect me or whatever the heck you think you’re doing, but Kodiak isn’t the only villain out there.
He just happens to be the one you target.
” I stomp back up to my room and slam the door.
It’s just after ten. I start jamming things into my backpack. I need to get out of here before I seriously lose my shit. I’m supposed to meet Lovey and Lacey for lunch and tell them how my idiotic plan went.
Honestly, I should’ve gone to their place last night and avoided all of this. I shove my econ textbook into my bag. I also grab a change of clothes, because there’s a solid chance I’m going to spend tonight at Lacey and Lovey’s. All this testosterone is driving me crazy.
The door clicks quietly. I don’t have to turn around to know it’s my twin.
“I don’t need a lecture or a bodyguard.”
“Are you okay?” His voice is soft, low.
“I’m fine.”
“I should’ve been here last night.”
“You being here wouldn’t have changed anything. I did something without thinking it through, and that picture was Kodiak overreacting as a result. If it wasn’t him, it would’ve been you or Mav.” I turn to face him.
He’s frowning, as usual. He still looks angry, but he also looks something else . . . Confused? Sad?
“I don’t get why you would do something like this in the first place. You hate the attention, and it’s really not like you. And since when do you own a thong bikini?”
I answer the easiest question. “Since Gigi took me tanning before we went to Cancun last year.” She said it would be better for avoiding tan lines.
I ended up with a seriously burnt ass. I have fair skin, and apparently when a butt has never seen the light of day, it’s more susceptible to sunburn, even with sunscreen.
“It still doesn’t explain why you’d wear it in public, though.”
“Because I’m tired of the bullshit.”
“You mean Kody?”
“I mean all of it. The double standards, the never being able to date without you guys attacking whoever it is like starved, angry pit bulls. I need a break from this.”
“I should’ve said no to him moving in here.”
“It’s not just him.”
“But he’s part of it.”
“He’s going to be here no matter what, River. He’s Mav’s best friend. They play hockey together, and he lives down the street.”
“It never used to be like this with you two.”
I rub my temples. “It’s been a lot of years since it was like anything.”
He drops his head and nudges my foot with his. Like the rest of me—apart from my boobs—my feet are small. His are ridiculously gigantic. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, but I reserve the right not to answer if I don’t feel like it.”
He nods once. “Did I fuck that up for you? Am I the reason it’s like this?”
“No, River. I’m the reason it’s like this.”
He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, looking more kid than boy-man. “When we were kids, I hated him.”
I laugh. “I don’t think much has changed.”
He shrugs. “I didn’t like that he always seemed to be there when you were falling apart.” He’s quiet for a few moments, but I wait, aware that he’s not done. “And now, I don’t know. I feel like maybe I made things worse.”
“Why would you think that when you have nothing to do with it?”
His gaze remains focused on our feet. “I kinda do.”
“Can you explain that, please?”
He blows out a breath. “I overheard Mom and Dad talking after that thing happened at the middle school. When Kody got in trouble for lying to his dad and missing hockey practice?”
It’s funny how we all experienced that event differently. “Because of me. He got in trouble because of me.”
“You’d been having such a hard time, and I knew you were talking to Kody a lot ’cause he got you in a way I couldn’t.” He pauses, the furrow in his brow deepening. “I hated that too, that I couldn’t understand and couldn’t help.”
“I know, but there was a reason no one wanted me relying on Kodiak to get through the panic. Even he understood it.” And they were right.
“That’s what I heard Mom and Dad talking about, ’cause you were so sad and they didn’t know what to do.
But Mom said some things, and I twisted them around because I wanted to think it was Kody who was making you worse.
I wanted it to stop, and I thought maybe you’d rely on me more, instead of him. ”
And there it is. The guilt he carries around like an anchor.
Now it’s for thinking he’s the reason Kodiak and I are such a mess.
“First of all, me relying on you instead of Kodiak wouldn’t have made anything better.
The problem was me relying on anyone other than me.
And I still don’t see how this makes what happened your fault. ”
“So, I did this thing with your text messages.”
“You did what thing?” This whole conversation is making my head hurt.
“I blocked his contact on your phone so you wouldn’t get them.”
“You what? When did you do that? Why?” My throat is suddenly tight.
“Just after Kodiak’s family moved to Philly at the end of sixth grade. I knew it would only make it harder on you if he kept texting when he was so far away, so when he messaged after they moved, I saw it before you did and I messaged back.”
“As me?”