Chapter 27 August 9th. Because it’s not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a small pub quiz #2
‘Cheats!’ Zaria grumbles when the host announces that their tab will be fully covered and that we get a nice bottle of red. ‘I don’t even like wine.’
‘I actually think the staff would’ve preferred if we won. Look at how many glasses they have accumulated.’
I am just happy we won something. I’ve never done well at a pub quiz, so the wine tastes sweeter over victory.
We say our goodbyes at half past ten, which is unfortunate because I haven’t had dinner, and now it is too late.
Toby’s friends hug us goodbye (Chloe hugs me but not Toby) and split up to get Ubers and buses or walk because they live nearby.
‘You haven’t had dinner,’ Toby says.
‘No,’ I say, hoping to prolong us being together before I have to go home.
‘Would you like something to eat?’ He looks as if he is thinking the same.
‘I would kill for a kebab right now.’
‘Whatever the lady wants.’ He reaches for my hand and walks to a chicken and kebab shop at the end of the street. Slowly.
I am forever glad that people can’t see the heart pounding against the chest, because mine is so quick and violent right now that I can feel my cheeks filling with red. Being Asian and having had some alcohol doesn’t help.
‘Your friends are nice. I was really worried that they would be snooty poshos.’
‘There was one snooty posho at our college. He went to a boarding school with children of Scottish lords.’
‘What was he called?’
‘Something like Finnigan Malock the second.’
‘Yesh, I could have guessed that. Right after Artemis Montgomery Fowler.’
‘He was all right actually,’ Toby throws out, and I can’t help but laugh at the posh made-up names.
‘What’s the deal with Chloe?’ I ask after offering to buy the kebabs for the both of us, as the only employed individual.
Toby scrunches his face, as if he just licked a cactus. ‘Ah.’
‘What is it? Is she an ex? Is she your John?’
‘No, she is not my John, but you did see her at the club that one time.’
Ah! That’s where I know her from.
‘We did date briefly, but everyone sort of... Don’t freak out... Everyone was sort of dating and sleeping with everyone at different times throughout the years.’
‘Ew, that’s so incestuous.’ That’s why he wasn’t bothered about me dating him right after Sashka.
‘I know, uni was—’ He looks down, only for a moment, as if forgetting that I can see him. ‘It was an unusual time. But I don’t think I would be the person I am today if it weren’t for them.’
It’s not as if I am the one to judge. John wasn’t the first bad decision on my tab—no pub quiz win would ever be able to cover that horrible blemish. ‘I get it. I will try not to be too judgey.’
‘You can be a little judgey.’ He grabs our kebabs and leads us to a bench on the green a street over.
‘Maybe on our first date we should go to a sex clinic and get some tests done?’ I joke and bite into my pita with kebab strips.
Toby laughs and nods. ‘But about Chloe. We had a little falling out. Not about a relationship or anything. It’s nothing like that.’
I feel as if he doesn’t want me to ask any more questions, but I can’t help it. ‘What is it?’
‘She thinks I am irresponsible.’
‘I would agree with her, then. I still don’t quite understand why you decided to take the fall for me. But why does she think that?’
Toby curates his words in his mind before slowly dragging out, ‘She believes… I am not making the healthiest of choices for myself.’
‘Healthiest is what sense?’
‘In what sense, excellent question… Um, it’s just something I decided for myself a little while ago. I believed it to be the best option for me at the time.’
He doesn’t want to talk about it yet. Got it.
‘So, yeah. It’s nothing to do with you, or us. She is just unhappy with me.’
‘Not really an us if you don’t pass the investigation.’ I raise my eyebrow mischievously.
‘It’s booked for next week. You will probably be invited.’
‘Wow, you know how to win a girl over,’ I say, unimpressed. And then I add, ‘For our first date...’
‘Yes?’
‘Can we go somewhere that’s not a pub? We’ve now been to a couple together. I would like to do something else.’
‘Understood. I’ll take your feedback on board. No promises, though.’
I get another few mouthfuls, but there is really no sexy way to eat a kebab. Garlic and chilli sauce drips everywhere. I try to catch it with my hand, but it splatters against my trousers. ‘Fuck,’ I grumble, wiping it with a wet wipe.
‘You have wet wipes on you?’ Toby marvels, holding my kebab box for me.
‘If you are unlucky, you do not leave the house without those. Thank you.’ I take it back once the white stain is gone.
‘So much wisdom to bestow.’
‘Is that sarcasm I’m picking up on?’
‘No, I enjoyed hearing you talk about your luck with Zaria. I hope next time you will let me test it.’
‘I did change my luck before coming here. I think that’s why we won.’ I cheer.
‘Would you not have come otherwise?’ Toby asks, with a slight wobble in his voice.
‘Probably not.’
‘Why?’
‘Um. I think I would have ruined it for people.’
‘Fuko.’ Toby sighs.
‘What is it?’
‘I... How do I put this to make it sound not so selfish. Fuck it, I don’t think I can.
The thing is, I want to see you all the time.
If you asked me to walk you home every day from now on, I would probably do it, because there is no other way for me to see you until this ridiculous probation is over.
But I want you to want me to be there, not just when you think your luck is good, or the weather is sunny, or the stars have aligned.
I just want to hang out with you regardless of anything else, you know?
It’s hard to hear that there might be something stopping you from seeing me, even if it is some mystical power.
I think that would have really upset me if that were the case, because I think you’re fun to be around even if you’re unlucky. ’
His words have a strange effect on me. On one hand, they are like honey (the good stuff, not the dyed corn syrup); they are silky and sweet in a way that nothing has ever been until this moment.
But they are also inadvertently sour, eating through my shell of insecurities.
Of being not enough, not just in terms of luck—if anything, I have always used it as a cover for other things like my appearance, my intelligence, my skill.
I chose one thing that I can blame to avoid thinking about everything else that is just as inadequate.
‘Fuko? Are you... crying?’ Toby turns when I sniffle. ‘Oh god, I’m sorry. Did I say something?’
‘No, it’s not that. You are very sweet. And you are right. I keep finding excuses, like, unless things are perfect I... dunno. I guess I just assume it’s not worth me even trying, because one way or another, it will fail. I’d rather it fail because of some outside power and not because of me.’
I sniffle again, scavenging in my bag for a tissue. I always carry tissues and wet wipes.
I brace myself and say, ‘I don’t want it to fail. Us.’
‘Neither do I. I think what you did today was very impressive, in the studio and at the quiz. I just want to have opportunities to celebrate with you. I don’t want anything to stand in the way of us getting to know each other.’
It sounds as if he is about to say something else, but he doesn’t.
He just looks at me. His hand reaches for my face and brings me in.
I am sniffily, garlicky, all around gross, but the moment his lips touch mine, I forget all about it.
The kiss is uncertain and tender—what a first kiss is supposed to feel like, not the insatiable kiss that we shared last time.
Tingles buzz through my fingers and toes at the memory of his arms around me.
When Toby pulls away, his forehead rests on mine. ‘Do you think you can give this a proper shot? Even if I’m not reinstated?’
‘You really push your luck with me. But fine, as long as I see you at least try to not become a bum.’
‘You have my word. I’ll try. For you.’