32. Chapter Thirty-Two
We arrived home in the early afternoon, and I all but collapsed on the couch for the rest of the evening, depositing my bags in my room and promising myself I’d unpack later. Instead, I formed a cocoon of blankets and Ruby-snuggles, remote and Pepsi in hand. My roommates looked at me with worried expressions they tried to hide, but I could hear their whispers of concern. I’d texted both Chloe and Mallory on the ride home, telling them I was coming home early, but I hadn’t shared any details. I’d also messaged work, letting them know I’d be coming back early after all. I knew if I didn’t head into the office, I’d spend the entire next day sitting in a useless pile of emotions on the couch. At least at work, I could channel my anxious energy into something productive.
The next morning came too early, anxiety waking me up for a quick yoga session before I went through the half-hearted effort of getting ready. I slipped into my favorite pencil skirt and blouse combo, almost immediately hating the feel of the tight, restrictive professional clothing. I applied makeup and styled my hair, not bothering to curl it, electing to leave it straight and long down my back. Grey’s comments about my appearance rang in my mind, drowning out the voice of Lyle that I had listened to for far too long.
I took one last look in the mirror before grabbing my keys and heading out the door. Might as well get the first day back over with.
My mom called on my drive, and even though I told her I was fine, I could tell she didn’t believe me. Her responses were probing, searching for details I wasn’t willing to share.
I bit my lip as I turned into the parking lot, debating before asking her the question that was weighing on me. “Mom, how did you know Dave was the one? How did you know he was worth the risk when he first asked you out?”
“Honey, I didn’t know he was the one that first date. I almost didn’t accept a second date because he was so nerdy.” Affection filled her tone as she shared a part of her love story I’d never heard. “But everything in life comes with risk, and love is the biggest risk of all. One of these days, you’ll find the person worth risking your heart for. Until then, you just have to keep trying and hoping.”
We said our goodbyes as I parked Jovi near the back of the lot. The familiar industrial building where I had worked for the last several years felt simultaneously familiar and strange. It was still the same mix of glass and brick, the same scraggly bushes lining the walk to the front door. Yet, it felt different this time as I walked past the receptionist desk, up the stairs, and badged my way onto my floor.
I settled into my grey office chair, kicking off my high heels and depositing my purse in the cubicle drawer before turning on my computer. The familiar routine didn’t bring the sense of relief I’d anticipated. Instead, the boulder of dread in my stomach seemed to increase in size until I worried I’d need to slip out and do a quick yoga session in the breakroom. Anything to rid me of this tension. I wanted mountains and open skies and a bearded man who made me feel seen, not a cubicle that wasn’t even near a window.
“Late, I see.” Drew stood at the entrance to my cubicle, glowering at me through the gap in the grey panels that made up my workspace. He wore his usual polo shirt tucked into slacks, his hair gelled to perfection, no trace of stubble on his chin.
A glance at my phone showed I was three minutes late, hardly a noteworthy amount. Apparently, Drew hadn’t taken my hanging up on him well.
“I’ll have you know, the team had to work over the weekend without you here to pull your weight.” His voice was a nasal whine that set my teeth on edge.
“I was on vacation, Drew. It’s not like I skipped out on mandatory overtime to go golfing or something,” I said, remembering the many times I’d had to come in on a Saturday so Drew could do that very thing.
He stepped into my cubicle, crowding me.
“That’s not the point. The number of calls…” I tuned Drew out as he shared his woes from the weekend, moments when he’d had to actually do his job because I hadn’t been there to cover for him. Instead, I remembered all my daydreams of a career as a yoga instructor, setting my own schedule, doing work I actually loved.
That’s when it hit me. I didn’t have to take this. I didn’t have to sit in this cubicle a minute longer. I had tried root beer milk, shared a bed with a near stranger, and jumped off a rock into the Firehole. I could stand up to my boss.
“Because of you—”
I pushed to my feet, refusing to cower as Drew no doubt had expected. Instead, I jabbed a finger in his chest and stepped closer, forcing him back and out of my workspace.
“Because I took my first real vacation in years, you had to actually do your job. Is that what you were about to say? Or were you going to mention how because I took paid time off that you approved, you came to realize just how much the team depends on me to pull more than my fair share of weight? Also, need I remind you, I came back early. I wasn’t supposed to be here today. Technically, I could still be gone, with your sign-off.”
Drew gaped at me, his skin paling at the confrontation, but I refused to back down. I was done. I just wished it hadn’t taken several years and a long overdue vacation to help me see that my time here was finished.
I slipped on my shoes, threw open my drawer and snagged my purse, slinging it over my shoulder as I glanced around the impersonal cubicle. I didn’t even have a photo of Ruby because Drew had claimed such decorations were unprofessional.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Drew stuttered as I pushed my way past him towards the door.
“I’m leaving.” I bit my tongue to keep from tacking on an “obviously” at the end.
“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Drew was chasing after me now, my heels making a satisfying click with every step towards escape.
“I quit, effective immediately.”
“That’s not how—”
I turned on my heel and Drew froze just short of running into me. “Don’t start with me. Two weeks is a courtesy you don’t deserve. I’ve put up with hell working for you, and I’m done.”
I could see other coworkers peeking around cubicle walls, watching the exchange. At my last pronouncement, I thought I even heard several gasps of surprise and someone attempting to start a slow clap.
“What about your career, Audrey? Do you think you’ll be able to put this place down as a reference after pulling this stunt?” he said, clearly flustered.
“You know, Drew, for the first time in my life, I genuinely don’t care.” Images of me helping Grey and leading the group in a yoga routine filled my mind, and a small smile touched my lips. “I’m going to find a job that I’m actually excited about.”
I exited the floor, letting the door close behind me, blocking Drew’s protests.
The walk to my car and the drive home were a blur. My phone hadn’t stopped vibrating since I’d left the building as different coworkers attempted to contact me. I ignored them all as I walked into my apartment to find Mallory in sweats and a t-shirt, her blonde hair in a high ponytail, sitting on the couch reading, Ruby curled up at her feet.
“Did you forget something?” Mal asked as she set her book on the recently refurbished coffee table. A fresh coat of white paint now covered the scratches and dents I’d grown used to while living here.
“My sanity,” I joked, settling on the loveseat so I could watch Mal’s reaction to my news. Ruby took this as her invitation and came over to sit next to me. I buried my fingers in her fur, letting the texture soothe me as I said four words I’d wanted to say for years. “I quit my job.”
Mallory’s mouth opened and closed a few times before a smile stole across her lips. “It’s about time. I was starting to worry you’d never leave that place.”
Now it was my turn for shock. “What do you mean? You never said anything about this before.”
Mallory shrugged. “What was I supposed to say? ‘Audrey, I think you should quit your job. They don’t appreciate you and are slowly destroying your soul.’ It wasn’t my place.”
“Chloe’s going to freak out,” I said, pushing down the panic that was trying to claw its way up my throat. “I don’t have a job.” It was the first time since I was a teenager that I could say that sentence. The words tasted odd on my tongue, bringing with them a sense of excitement and panic. I planted my elbows on my knees and buried my face in my hands. “What am I going to do, Mal? How am I going to pay rent? What about insurance?”
Mallory moved to settle next to me on the loveseat, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and giving me a squeeze. “You’re going to do whatever you want. You’re going to find a job you’ll actually love and want to go to every day. A job that lets you go on vacation without making you feel guilty the entire time. A job that lights up your soul and makes you feel appreciated.”
I took a deep breath, counting to four as I inhaled and then exhaling for four counts, letting Mallory’s words wash over me. “You know, Tory thinks I should teach yoga.” I paused, waiting for Mallory’s reaction, waiting for her to tell me it was as crazy an idea as I feared it was. Not acknowledging that the idea hadn’t originated with Tory. I wasn’t quite ready for that level of vulnerability.
When she didn’t speak, I sat up, turning to face her.
She bit her lip.
“What, no response?”
She let out a long breath, scooting back on the couch to better see me. “Honestly, I think you’d be a great yoga instructor. You’re always going to classes at the rec center. You’re kind and patient. You’ve led Chloe and me through more yoga flows than I can count, and we’re not the easiest students.”
I bit back a laugh as I remembered multiple late night yoga sessions with the two of them giggling and falling over while I patiently tried to help them find their balance.
I leaned back, letting my head fall onto the couch as I closed my eyes, blocking out all the pressure. “I’ve only done the most basic research into becoming an instructor.”
My few internet searches were hardly sufficient to help me pursue a change of careers.
“Then I guess you know where to start. Do some research, see what’s feasible, and go from there. Audrey…” she paused, resting her hand on my arm and waiting until I looked at her. “Don’t worry about rent or doing the practical thing, for once in your life. This is your chance to genuinely chase what you want. Wander a bit, maybe even get a little lost.”
I froze as Mallory’s words reminded me of Grey’s admonitions from the weekend. I tried to push his brown eyes and bearded grin out of my mind, but they seemed to underscore everything Mallory had said, causing my heart to twist as I thought about how I’d left things. It was better this way, wasn’t it?
Mallory left me on the couch, mumbling something about meeting her boyfriend for lunch. While Ridge was only here for the summer before returning to Idaho to finish school, the two of them were inseparable, and I loved seeing how happy he made my roommate.
Ruby crawled into my lap, settling into a tight circle of warmth. I absentmindedly ran my fingers through her soft brown fur, the familiar movement bringing with it a level of comfort I needed.
I could become a yoga instructor, or at least learn what it takes, find out if it’s what I really wanted to do in life. I could do this. It was long past time I took a real risk.