10. Chapter 10
The dining room was ablaze with activity as the family gathered for dinner.
The excited chatter and lively jabs flying across the table only made me love my family more.
My eyes drifted to the one empty seat. When we moved in, the girls and I insisted we set a place for Winter.
The symbolism allowed hope to flourish in our silly hearts.
She would join us. Her rightful place was here with us.
I repeated the thought to myself before I walked in. While everyone had seen the new haircut and most everyone had seen my nose piercing, Sebastian hadn’t.
“Guess what, Uncle Nik? I scored four whole goals at practice today,” Declan bellowed, bouncing in his seat with that boundless energy he had by the bucketful.
Thankfully, Nik’s attention was completely focused on him, or he may have missed it with the volume of several of the other conversations going on. The only quiet ones were Victoria and Marcel, and from the look on her face and the placement of his hands, I didn’t want to know what was going on.
“That’s amazing, little man. Future Manchester United star in the house,” Nik declared, grabbing his glass of wine. He put it up in a cheers position, and Declan quickly grabbed for his glass of milk.
He was a little overenthusiastic, and the milk sloshed onto his hand. I entered quietly and walked over to him, grabbing a napkin to help. I ignored Pasha completely. My feelings were getting jumbled when it came to him.
I may have agreed to go to this wedding of his friend, but everything inside screamed it was foolish. The list of cons I’d made was a mile long and outweighed the pros by far. I took my seat and turned to Sebastian. His eyes immediately narrowed into slits. His cheek twitched.
“Are you fucking serious?”
“Language,” I taunted, looking at Declan for emphasis. They tried for the most part, but it was such a large part of their vocabulary that it almost always slipped in.
“A goddamn nose piercing? What are you, sixteen?”
Kinsley immediately rose to my defense with a quickness that had me shocked. I thought she was entirely engrossed in her conversation.
“Torturer, that’s not very nice. I think it’s lovely. And if anyone can rock one, it’s her,” Kinsley said, turning from her conversation with Alek.
And in true impulsive Kinsley form, she swiftly delivered a sharp kick toward my brother.
I knew what she did because she slouched down to where her chin rested on the table to reach him.
God, I loved her. She never wore shoes in the house, so I’m sure her socked foot did little to no damage.
The effect was comical, and a surprised yelp slipped from Bash.
“Did you kick me, young lady?” he bellowed.
Kinsley slithered up into her seat, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Something told me she realized how lackluster the move had been. Her bottom lip trembled.
“Um, yeah, I did. It’s just—” Her gaze shifted to Alek, and she lowered her head. “Sorry.”
Declan pushed away from the table and rushed to her side. “You’re gonna make her cry, Uncle Bash. Remember, you need to work on that. We don’t make girls cry.”
The amount of laughter at the look on my brother’s face was priceless. Being checked by a six-year-old wasn’t something he expected. After the laughter died down, I leaned back in my chair, feeling the warmth of the family. Bash still fumed, and I couldn’t resist poking him.
“You need to relax, big brother. It was on my list. It’s a tiny stud. You’re acting like I’ve come home with a full-face tattoo.”
He leveled his gaze in my direction. “This stupid list of yours is going to be the death of me.”
“The list is homework. A necessary step in her journey.” Marcel spoke, coming to my defense.
“See. It’s all a part of the journey. Maybe you need to make one, too. Word of caution, though, don’t let Pasha pick the number of items to go on the list. He’ll screw you in the end.”
The words had no sooner left my mouth than our gazes locked across the table. This was the first I’d acknowledged his presence. His lips curled seductively as his chest puffed.
A silent exchange passed between us. Suddenly, I wished I’d kept my mouth shut. And in slow motion he opened his. I narrowed my eyes in warning. It was enough that he wisely stayed silent.
Dinner passed in a blur and a flurry of upcoming talk about additions to the club.
Both staff and some new expansion dominated the conversation.
But soon, Marcel was standing and nodded his head toward the hallway.
It was his subtle way of saying it was time.
He wanted to continue the conversation from our last session.
We made the journey down the hall to his office and were soon seated across from one another. He smiled affectionately.
“Do you remember where we left off?”
I nodded, feeling a lump form in my throat as I summoned the courage to delve into the depths of my past. “Yeah, but I wanted to tell you something first, if that’s okay?”
He leaned forward, his eyes fixed on mine with unwavering attention. “You know you can. Whatever you want to share, I’m ready to hear.”
“It’s about the list, actually. When you originally suggested it, I did what I used to do back then.”
My code word for the time I spent locked away. He eased back and steepled his fingers under his chin.
“Retreat?”
“No, the other one. Lie. I actually had a short list made the same night you suggested it. It was all the things I thought you’d want me to do. Not authentically me. Partly because it’s still a lot easier to default back to that as a mode to cope.”
“Understandable. I’m proud you recognized it. Am I right in assuming then that this new list is more authentic? More truly what you want.”
“Yes,” I breathed. “I won’t lie, some of the things are influenced by various members of the house because you are all such a huge part of me. But at the end of the day, I really evaluated them one by one.”
“I’m proud of you for recognizing that.”
“I also did that thing you suggested and picked them apart individually and asked myself what I wanted out of it. If I couldn’t come up with something that ended with a growth curve, I didn’t add it to the finalized list. I wanted you to know up-front, so when you see it, you don’t make assumptions. ”
“You know I try hard in my practice not to do that. And I’d say I’ve mastered separating our family history with what you need professionally. Are you not feeling the same?”
“That’s not it. I’m not explaining it very well. Today’s rehashing of back then, I didn’t want it influencing how you viewed the list.”
“You’ve explained it well. I’m guessing this has to do with the unresolved guilt you’re carrying over being singled out.”
I loved that he didn’t call me the chosen one or the favorite, and I gave him a slight nod.
“Alright, so tabling the list, let’s dive into that guilt a bit,” he said.
“We’ve covered the fact that Sonny often treated me to things that were off-limits. Extra time outside, sweets and watching TV. God, I hated every single second of it. He honestly thought he was making my life amazing by doing those things.” I sighed.
“You were forced to navigate a minefield of manipulation and deceit. You did your best to cope with the pressure of it. I’ve heard stories, mind you, not about kidnapped children but women in similar situations as Tori was in.
People want to connect and if someone is offering them a kindness in a depraved, evil situation, it’s normal to grasp at it.
To take it if for no other reason than to feel a sense of normalcy. ”
A bitter laugh escaped my lips, tinged with that resentment and defiance. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you the reason I started lying to them in the first place.”
“You haven’t. Feel like doing so now?”
“Yeah, actually I do. You know how we’re still looking for Winter?” I paused while he nodded in affirmation.
“She is the reason. Well, more like I could see the way they twisted her fears. I think it is what actually inspired them to ask us the question in the first place. Sometimes they could easily see in how we reacted to something, how much fear it caused. The whip, ball-gag things like that.”
“And other times?”
“They’d ask outright. Maybe it was the years growing up with you all that made me think outside that box. When I was asked what scared me the most.” I stopped, and a grin erupted across my face. “I lied. I went with the one thing I knew Bash was afraid of.”
“You didn’t?” Marcel’s face mirrored mine now, and we both spoke at the same time.
“Spiders.”
“I got so good at acting like I was terrified. I mimicked him. Screech, run and jump on the nearest piece of furniture. In my head, I was having a secret laugh at them. It evolved from there. I got a sick sense of power when it was time to watch TV with Sonny or have my favorite dessert. They couldn’t read my mind, so I went with it. ”
Marcel’s face filled with pride. “If you think about it, though, it was smart on your part. Not only did you keep your real fears hidden, but you preserved your favorites along the way. You didn’t let them win.”
“They almost did, though. I know we talked about what happened when I got home, but something you didn’t know is that I probably sat at the police station for hours, silent as could be.
Officer after officer asked me my name and finally one of them gave me a pencil and paper.
If I had only spoken it, they could have easily called my parents.
But it was his delivery that moved things along.
The lead detective was pretty frustrated by that point. ”
I took a shaky breath, whispering as I struggled to find the word to describe the moment.
“I don’t like that look.”
My eyes shot up, and his expression was full of empathy and understanding.