10. Chapter 10 #2
“I was thinking about how pathetic it was that I wrote Autumn down on the paper. He about lost his shit and pushed the paper back, demanding a last name. I probably looked uneducated, like I didn’t have the slightest idea of what a last name was.”
I paused once more before continuing, and tears welled up in my eyes. The flood of emotions as I remembered staring down at what I’d written physically hurt. Writing down the name that had become my identity and trying to reconcile what the police wanted from me, the truth, caused me to snap.
“I yanked the paper over and that’s when I broke. Tears streamed and choked sobs erupted. I’m talking ugly crying at its finest. Snot and all.” My eyes sought Marcel’s, and he gave me a sweet smile of encouragement.
“Seeing the name, it taunted me with the reminders. I damned near gouged the table beneath the paper. They had to pry the broken pencil from me and give me a new one. That’s when I wrote my real name down.”
With a glimmer of understanding and a flicker of compassion that spoke volumes in his eyes, he spoke.
“It must have been incredibly difficult for you.” He handed me a tissue.
“But you reclaimed your identity, your sense of self, even in the face of unimaginable fear. You should be proud of yourself. I know I am.”
“Well, I hope you still feel that way after you read the list. It’s me further trying to uncover my true self. The fear factor isn’t quite as intense. It’s more like a challenge. Now is as good a time as any to also tell you I’ve appointed Pasha as the one to keep me accountable.”
The tiniest shift happened before my eyes.
His expression was neutral, his features schooled.
If I were a normal client and didn’t know him so well, I would have missed it.
But the flicker in his eyes, the briefest moment of hesitation, and the fingers on his right hand moved.
How much had he and Victoria talked about this?
“I know you. Let me put you at ease. Victoria is misreading things. Well, not everything. She absolutely has the correct thought that he’s safe for me. But he also challenges me without allowing other things to filter in.”
“Things like?”
“He doesn’t know me from before. Not like you all do. You know what I was like prior to and more so after. You remember the silence, as does every other member of this house. The isolation, the fear of going out. You all lived it—with me.”
I lifted my gaze, hoping he wasn’t going to object. “Pasha didn’t, not to that extent. Sometimes it’s like I say I’m doing something and all of you imagine ten steps down the road and then evaluate if it could potentially cause me to retreat.”
“Duly noted. I didn’t realize we did that. I’ll be more mindful and when you’re ready, I’ll talk to the guys about it. Did you decide on the list—as far as sharing it with the family?”
“A part of me wants to keep it confidential, but I realistically know it would be impossible. I think my biggest fear is how Bash will act.”
“I think it’s time I see this list. And for the record, the list is not about him. I agree keeping it completely confidential would be difficult. I can handle him.”
“You sure about that?” I asked, feeling an edge of discomfort settle over me.
“I am. I know your brother is a beast. What you’re not figuring into all of this is that there are four other men who would back me wholeheartedly. The list, please.”
His hand shot out, and his expression changed. It was curious, yet remained supportive. A surge of apprehension hit as I reached down into my bag near my feet.
My fingers fumbled as they brushed against the card. Blocking out the noise of my racing thoughts, I pulled it free. I grabbed my favorite pen.
“Give me one second. I need to fill in one more.”
I let out a long breath. My fingers shook as I worried he would take issue with it. Number three was going to cause a stir for sure.
“Tori told me Pasha suggested several.”
“He did. Probably suggested half of them. Which is why he’ll be an excellent accountability partner. We all know Kinsley would allow me to find the easiest way out.”
I put my pen back, closed the card, and traced the image on the outside. Something in me hesitated. The level of vulnerability was almost too much.
“Very true. Are you going to let me see it?” he finally asked with a playful smile on his face.
“The ones with stars next to them are ones I willingly, knowingly and with a tremendous amount of thought put on the list. Those were not influenced by Pasha. They may relate to others, he suggested, but they are mine. I’m doing them.”
Before I could lose my nerve, I flung the card across the way. He grinned at my antics, and then his brow furrowed. He did several double-takes between the list and me. Then he fixed his gaze on mine.
It was as if he were staring right through me. A stupid list of bucket items, written out, should not have caused me so much anxiety. But it did. He exhaled, concern passing through his eyes. A pang of dread knotted in the pit of my stomach.
“Okay, right off the bat, you’re starting off strong. A trip abroad, especially given you’ve never done one, will undoubtedly be exciting. I’ll admit it is unconventional. Faking like you’re dating? Since you’ve expressed your confidence and safety with Pasha, it makes it easier.”
I swallowed hard, my heart pounding in my chest as I braced myself for his inevitable question and potential flat-out disapproval of number three to hit.
“I already know which one you take issue with,” I blurted out.
“I don’t take issue. It’s giving me pause, is all. I’m trying not to let my bias get in the way, especially given your earlier statement, about retreating into silence.”
I nodded, waiting for him to continue. “I get that number three is deeply personal. But I have my reasons. And I’ll remind you, I’m not a silly teenager. I’m twenty-four.”
“And?”
My face flushed as the heat hit my cheeks.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “Marcel, it has to happen at some point, right? Otherwise, I may as well join a nunnery. While black is my favorite color and I’m excellent at vows of silence, I’m really not good at the religious aspects of that lifestyle.
Clearly, I’m not wild and wicked. Nor do I pursue pleasures of the flesh outside myself. But I’m not dead inside. I do like…”
Dear God I hoped he could track. I would crawl under the couch if he asked me to explain it further.
It was the truth. I masturbated occasionally, quietly, and in secret.
That’s only slightly dysfunctional. Right?
It worked for me. He cleared his throat and glanced down at the list once more.
I let out my breath and noticed his lips turn up. He understood entirely.
“I’ll caution you with one thing. Really think the decision through. When it’s with someone you love, it’s different.”
“I get that, but how many women have you had sex with that you didn’t love?”
“Touche. I need some time to process number three more deeply.”
“I’m not taking it off the list, Marcel.”
“And I didn’t ask you to. Since there is no time-limit on it and I’ve never known you to rush into anything, I think it’s safe to say we can come back to it. I applaud you for digging deep. I like the disclaimer Pasha has added on a few of these. Would you allow me to do the same?”
“Depends on what it is,” I said, narrowing my eyes.
“I would like to add the disclaimer that you are allowed to modify the list.”
“But the entire purpose of it is to be accountable. To make decisions and see them through.”
“It is, but in life, we always have the option to make a different choice. I want you to see the varying shades here. It’s not all black and white.
Our time is up. I’d like to talk in depth about number three.
Primarily your expectations. I have a feeling it may get deep, so we’ll discuss it at our next session.
When are you and Pasha going on this road trip? ”
“In three weeks, I think,” I breathed. It had gone better than I expected.
“Plenty of time to cover it.”
I met his eyes once more. A silent acknowledgment of understanding rested there. I sensed his genuine desire to support me.