Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
kate
“Eventful week?” my therapist asks, all prim and proper in her leather high-backed chair. Not a single hair out of place. No lint on her clothes. Rose has the fashion sense of Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada, with none of the condescending, bitchy attitude.
I cross and uncross my legs, trying to get comfortable on this velvet couch that is definitely more form than function, while I stall to give myself a few more seconds.
How do I explain what it’s like to go from being a complete unknown to having someone stop you in the bathroom at lunch and ask for a picture?
This entire situation is insane.
Jake’s had years to get used to this level of attention, and I’ve been thrust into the deep end. Sink or swim. It’s like I’m stranded in the middle of the ocean, bobbing during a storm. Constantly going under and coming back up with no end in sight.
“Everything in my life has been flipped upside down. It’s unsettling,” I answer, clasping my hands together tightly.
“How so?” Rose leans forward in her chair as she takes notes on a yellow legal pad.
What does she mean by “How so?” Does she not use the internet? She can’t be oblivious to the shitshow that’s my life.
I sigh, not looking forward to recounting all the nightmarish events.
“Let’s see… My mom had reporters on her lawn asking all kinds of random questions.
You can guess how much she loved that. Work is inundated with nonstop calls and companies wanting to work with me.
Not because they know I’m good at my job, but because of who I’m dating.
” I cover my face with my hands for a few seconds before continuing, “The internet thinks anyone would be better for Jake than me. They’ve dissected every aspect of my appearance and background, yet weirdly show up outside my office and home to take photos and videos. ”
“How does that make you feel?” She taps her black heavyweight pen lightly against her notepad.
That’s a great question—one I don’t have a firm answer to, because how do you explain feeling every single emotion at once? Like a hurricane of emotional chaos ripping through your body.
“Frustrated. Confused. Exhausted.” My shoulders slump, tension fading as the word I’m really looking for hits me smack in the face.
“Defeated. I feel defeated.” I shake my head, biting my upper lip as tears form in the corners of my eyes.
“I’ve made so much progress setting boundaries in the past nine months.
Learning how to stand up for myself and what I need, rather than what everyone else wants from me.
This feels like… It feels like a setback.
I’m forced to take steps backward because of who I love. ”
“That’s to be expected,” she replies calmly, jotting down another note.
What I wouldn’t give to read what she writes about me in these sessions.
“Significant behavioral changes often feel like two steps forward, one step back under normal circumstances. And what you’re experiencing is anything but normal.
” She pauses momentarily. “The real question you need to ask is: what’s fueling your concern? ”
I cock my head and scrunch my eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
“Are you mainly concerned about your security and lack of privacy? The impact on your work? Do you care what people you don’t know are saying about you on the internet? Are you worried your relationship won’t last long-term? Or is it a combination of all of them?”
I focus on my breathing while I contemplate how to respond. How I really feel inside when I strip away all the noise from the outside world. That’s what is so difficult. Separating my emotions from the chaos swirling around me.
“I’m definitely concerned about how far people are willing to go to get information on me.
It feels like my day-to-day life is under siege, and there’s no way to combat it.
” I draw circles on the inside of my palm with the thumb of my other hand as a way to ground myself.
“I know private security would help mitigate that concern, but I’ve resisted Jake hiring them because I don’t want to give up more control.
The lack of privacy comes with dating Jake.
Although I wish it weren’t the case, it’s my new reality and something I have to come to terms with. ”
She nods gracefully. “So, it’s not security or privacy. That leaves work, people’s perception of you, and the viability of your relationship.”
Fuck. I know where she’s headed with this. Why didn’t I see it earlier? It’s so obvious.
I slouch on the couch, burying my head in my hands.
“I take it you’ve figured it out,” she asks softly.
“Yeah,” I mutter.
She clears her throat. “Do you want to tell me why you’re allowing what other people think to negatively impact your life? People who don’t even know you.”
Talk about pulling no punches. Getting right to the core of what’s driving my insecurity. The beast I thought I’d previously conquered, or at least tamed.
I groan, then force myself to sit up and look at her. She’s doing exactly what I pay her for, helping me hold up a mirror to see what’s really going on inside. Not letting me hide from it. Encouraging me to deal with the root cause rather than mask it.
“Because I’m a glutton for punishment. Used to internalizing what everyone says about me and figuring out a way to become what they want, rather than who I want to be.
Although I may have broken the cycle in the last nine months, I fell back into it when the internet trolls started attacking me.
” Tears cascade down my face, streaking my cheeks and dampening my shirt.
“It unearthed my deepest insecurities and made them come roaring back.”
“Everything you’re going through is going to change you. That’s inevitable. This is a monumental time in your life. You just need to ask yourself whether you’re changing because it’s what you want or because you’re feeling forced to change due to how others see you.”
I sit in stunned silence, staring at the floor while the remaining few minutes of our session tick by.
Unable to say anything because I’m internally weighing the impact of what she said.
Debating how much I’m allowing myself to be railroaded into situations that don’t align with what I want because of the interests of others.
Perpetuating the cycle rather than stopping it, once and for all.