Chapter Thirty-nine
Dallas
I sit on a bench and stare at the grave marker. The one I’ve never seen before. The one that has the names of my wife and son, buried together for all of eternity.
There are still some wet teddy bears nestled near the headstone, brought by my family no doubt for DJ’s birthday last week.
After having the same goddamn dream two nights in a row, I drove down early this morning, drawn here by some inexplicable force of nature. It’s been two-and-a-half years, and this is the very first time I’ve sat in this spot and looked upon this grave.
The sun has melted most of the snow from the blizzard. Only piles on the side of the road made by snowplows remain. What a difference a few days can make.
When my mind drifts back to the past week with thoughts of Marti and Charlie, guilt begins to consume me. The mother and child I should be thinking about are right here, practically under my feet. What was up with that strange dream? And why did I have it twice? The exact fucking dream . I can’t get it out of my head. In the dream, Phoebe said it was all me, that all those words she’s said in my previous dreams were my words, not hers. But then how can I believe the words in last night’s dream were hers? It’s all one huge clusterfuck inside my head right now.
“Dallas?”
My head swivels. To my surprise, Allie is approaching, bundled in her cold weather running clothes.
“How in the hell did you know I was here?” I ask.
“I didn’t. I jog by the cemetery almost every day. When I saw someone sitting over here, I had to come see who it was.” She bends over, hands on hips, as if she’s had a long run. Then she gives Bex a pat on the head. “Since when do you have a dog?”
“Long story.”
She shoves me aside and I make room for her on the bench. “But one you’ll tell me, right?” she asks.
I shrug.
She elbows me. “I didn’t even know you came here.”
“I don’t. I mean, I didn’t. Until now.”
One of her brows rises in curiosity. “Reeeeeealy?”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
She shrugs innocently. “Just that some mysterious woman shows up in your life, gets stranded at your cabin for a week, and suddenly, you’re here.”
“It was ten days. And one doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the other.”
“Whatever you say.”
I shake my head. She’s as tenacious as Marti.
And there’s the guilt again. My eyes rake over Phoebe’s name on the headstone and I silently apologize.
“You’re staying for Lucas’s party tomorrow, aren’t you?” she asks.
“I might make an appearance. But I have to head back to my cabin first.”
She flashes me a set of crazy eyes. “Dallas, why? You’re here now. Why would you drive four hours there and then four more back tomorrow?”
“There are things I need to take care of.” I stand and hold out Bex’s leash. “Can you take Bex until I get back? He’s been in the truck long enough. And I might need the room.”
“Need the room for what?”
“Stuff.”
Her eyes widen like dinner plates. “Dallas, are you—”
“Don’t get too excited. I’m not sure what I’m doing. Will you watch him or not?”
She takes the leash. “Sure.”
“Come on. I’ll give you a ride home. I’ve got some of his stuff in my truck.”
We ride in silence, mostly because I refuse to be a part of the Spanish Inquisition. When I pull up to Mom and Dad’s house, I ask, “Are you ever moving out?”
“Tried once last year when Mia and I got an apartment together. But honestly? Why would I give all this up? Montana Manor has everything, including an apartment for me with a separate entrance over the garage. And at over twelve-thousand square feet, I never even have to see Mom and Dad if I don’t want to. Not that I don’t want to.”
“So, what, you’re going to live here forever?”
“Until I have a reason to move, yeah.”
“What would that reason be?”
“The perfect man I suppose.”
I laugh. “You’ll be living here until the day you die, little sister. You should know. It’s what you thought about Jason. The two of you were together for years and then one day you decided on a whim to take that internship in Australia, and then it was just over.”
She gulps, getting that sullen look on her face anytime anyone mentions her ex. Then she shores herself up with a giant breath.
“The perfect man is out there,” she says. “Anyway, how can you be so cynical? You were the perfect man yourself once upon a time. You could be again if you’d just let it happen.”
I shove the backpack at her. “I’m not talking about this.”
“Well, you should. Because Marti is perfect for you. And you for her. I know you have feelings. She’s a single mom. Charlie needs a father figure. You could fill that void. And you have a pretty big fucking void yourself that the two of them could fill.”
“What the fuck, Allie? You think I’m looking to replace my wife and kid?”
“No, of course not. All I’m saying is that it just makes sense. They need you and you need them.”
I narrow my eyes. “Have you been talking to her?”
“Just the one conversation when she answered your phone. I’m very good at reading between the lines.”
“Well, it could never work.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do.”
She sighs loudly. “Dallas, if you don’t even try, you may never forgive yourself.”
“He almost died in my fucking arms, Al.”
She looks confused. “DJ?”
“Charlie. Her kid. He’s allergic to peanuts and a kid gave him a cookie and there wasn’t an EpiPen because I stupidly didn’t find it in her car after her accident. And… Jesus, his face. His lips. His throat was closing.” A warm tear runs down my cheek. “He almost died in my arms as I ran him to meet the paramedics.”
“Oh my god.” A hand covers her mouth. “But he’s okay?”
“I called the hospital. They wouldn’t tell me anything. But I’m pretty sure he is. The ambulance got to him just in time. He was already breathing normally just a few seconds after they gave him the medicine.” I rub the back of my neck. “But if they’d have been just another minute…” I wipe my nose on my coat sleeve. “I can’t go through that again. I won’t lose anyone else.”
“And you think not being with them is the answer? If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it… it still falls. What if you hadn’t been there? Charlie still would have been exposed to peanuts, but you wouldn’t have rushed him to meet the ambulance. He was in your arms. Do you think you’re somehow keeping them safe by staying away? Because I’d say it’s just the opposite. Especially when it’s written all over your face how you feel about Marti.”
I reach over and open her door, dismissing her with a wave of my hand. “You’re free to go.”
“Fine,” she pouts. “Don’t admit it to me. But do me a favor and at least admit it to yourself.”
She gets Bex from the back and then yells at me through the window, “Party’s at eight at Donovan’s. Be there!”
I give a thumb’s up along with a snarky, defiant sneer. Then I pull out of the long, circular driveway and head out of town, careful to avoid the one street I never plan to drive down again.