Allie
Growing up, I was always told that if you did good things, those good things would make their way back to you.
What goes around comes around.
Karma doesn’t have a menu, you get what you deserve.
I truly believed that, and honestly, I still want to.
That’s why I’ve always tried to do the right thing.
I went to school to help people because it made me happy, worked my ass off, earned amazing grades, and even graduated near the top of my class.
When it comes to being a mom, it has always come first. There’s nothing I wouldn’t give up to put my girls’ needs, and even their wants, before my own.
And I never dreamed of cheating on Trevor.
I left when I knew things were too broken to fix, and for the first time, I chose myself.
So where’s the good karma I was promised? When is the universe going to give me a pat on the back for doing things the right way? Because all I’ve gotten in return so far is PTSD and a custody battle.
Jax’s hand slips over mine, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I’m supposed to be having lunch with my family, not spiraling into “what ifs.” But it’s hard to stop once it starts. Especially after mediation, my thoughts haven’t stopped racing the entire hour I’ve been home.
I give him a tight-lipped smile, hoping he can read the apology in my eyes. Because I know if I say it out loud, the girls will just start asking questions I know I’m not ready to answer.
Honestly? I don’t think I’ll ever be.
“You okay?” he asks softly, running his thumb over my knuckles.
Usually that soothes me, but today? Today I need the world’s tallest glass of wine and a certain Welsh man to put me in my place.
But the girls are still awake and fully wound up, so that fantasy’s going to have to wait.
So instead, I nod. Because somehow that feels better than admitting out loud how much I feel like I’m drowning.
“Mommy?” Charlotte tugs my sleeve. “I’m full.”
I glance at her plate. She’s eaten about three-quarters of her dinosaur-shaped grilled cheese—which is honestly impressive for her.
Note to self: learn how to cut grilled cheese into dinosaurs like Jax does.
“Can you try one more bite?” I ask, knowing I’m pushing my luck.
She groans and kicks her foot against the tile. “But I’m full, Mama.”
For a second, I almost give in. Her little voice is like a knife slicing right through my skull, and with the pounding already building behind my eyes, I just don’t have the energy for arguments.
“I’ll tell you what,” Jax jumps in. “I’ll take my biggest bite if you take yours.” He raises a brow at her, but she doesn’t budge. She crosses her arms at her chest and lets out a huff instead.
Jax quickly swipes the grilled cheese from his plate and shoves the entire thing into his mouth.
Both of the girls squeal with laughter, and I swear my heart is about to burst. Although, I’m not sure if it’s from watching this gorgeous man make a fool out of himself just to make my girls laugh, or from the way their eyes sparkle while they watch him.
Both girls race to finish their food, cheeks puffed out like little hamsters, trying to copy him.
Of course, the mom in me panics, half convinced one of them is about to choke, but how can I be the party pooper here?
So I stay quiet. I sit back and watch the three of them laugh with their cheeks puffed out, eyes shining with joy while mine start to sting.
I swipe at the corner of my eye with my thumb and quickly start clearing plates. The second I make it to the sink, I brace myself against it, willing the tears to stop trying to break free.
Because all of this hurts. It hurts knowing how far Trevor’s willing to go just to tear it all apart.
It hurts thinking this could be it—these silly, perfect moments fading into memories because Charlotte and Lydia are growing up faster than I’m ready for.
And it breaks my heart to think there might never be another tiny human to add to this chaos.
I stare into the soapy water, scrubbing the same plate long enough that my fingers start to wrinkle. I’m not even sure how long it’s been, but I know it’s more than a few minutes when I realize the kitchen’s completely silent.
I don’t snap out of it until Jax’s arm slides around me, and he reaches into the sink to pull the plug. Then he turns me gently by the shoulders and gives them a light squeeze.
“Talk to me,” he murmurs.
His eyes meet mine, and just like that, I feel like I can finally breathe again. Like there’s nothing in the entire world that could hurt me or my girls. I feel… safe. Safe to feel whatever I’m feeling, and to actually let it show.
I’ve found my home in his eyes. And I’m not letting anything take that away.
He brushes his fingers lightly along my arms, and goosebumps follow behind.
“You know you can tell me anything,” he says, giving me that soft, crooked smile that always makes me feel like my world isn’t completely falling apart.
Truth is? I just don’t want to think anymore. I just want to go back to how things were when everything was easy. When it was all love and laughter and still felt brand-new. Now it’s like we’re holding our breath all the time, waiting for the next thing to go wrong.
I shrug and finally lean into him.
“He was just… ruthless,” I admit quietly. “Refused to meet me halfway on anything. And then he said I was just trying to ‘steal’ his daughters to play house since I can’t have any more.”
The reminder still aches in my chest, slowly turning into something heavier, like I’ve swallowed a cinder block whole.
For a second, he goes completely still. Then he pulls me closer into his chest, his muscles tightening around me before he kisses the top of my head and starts rubbing my scalp.
I knew hearing that would upset him, but I just can’t hold it in anymore. All I want to do is cry, but I can’t. I’ve cried so much over the past few months, I’m not sure there’s anything left. And honestly? I just don’t want to anymore.
I’m tired of crying. Tired of feeling like I’m falling apart every damn day. And if I’m exhausted by it, I can only imagine how everyone around me must feel.
I need to bring the old Allie back. The one who held everything together even when it was falling apart. The one who kept going because two little girls were counting on her. I know she’s in there somewhere. I just hope when I finally dig her out, the best parts of her will still be intact.
But I at least have to try. Not just for me.
Not even just for Jax. But for my girls.
They deserve a mom who smiles. One who shows them that even when life knocks you down, you can still get back up and keep going.
And I’m not saying I can’t be upset. I’m human, and I know these things are going to bother me when I really think about them.
I just can’t allow myself to get lost in it all before I end up losing it all.
And I can’t lose a single one of them.
I lift my head and press a soft kiss to Jax’s lips. He smiles against my mouth like he always does, and in that moment, I just know.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” I whisper.
He hesitates, but not in a way that makes me worry. I know he’s just carefully choosing his words, the way he has been every time we have to have a talk like this. Every time we have to talk about court, or the accident, he goes silent.
He brushes my hair behind my ear, keeping one hand cradling my cheek.
“And if it’s not… we’ll fight like hell to make it that way,” he says softly.
Leaning more into his hand, I press my lips into his palm.
I know things will never be perfect, and honestly, I don’t think I’d want them to be. A little chaos reminds you what’s worth fighting for.
But right now? We just need a break.
And if anyone’s earned that, it’s Jax.
He’s been by my side through all of it—showing up, holding the pieces of my soul together like it’s second nature.
Some days, I honestly don’t know how he’s still standing.
He drives back and forth without a single complaint, always arriving with that easy smile and those arms that feel like the safest place in the world.
I don’t think I’ll ever find the right words to tell him how much it all means to me. But maybe I don’t need to. Jax has never needed words because his actions have always screamed louder.
And if I’ve learned anything from all of this, it’s that if they wanted to, they would.
No questions. No expectations. Just showing up for the people you love.
Exactly the way it should be.