Chapter Ten
ELLIE
19 years earlier
I was heartbroken that I didn’t get to see Lee for more than a couple hours over the summer. My friends thought I was being over dramatic with how sad I was, like I hardly know this guy so it shouldn’t matter so much.
But I did know him.
And he knew me.
We continued to write back and forth over the rest of the summer, and he promised he would still write to me once school started. We also tried to call each other as much as possible.
Ninth grade was turning out to be harder than I thought it would be. I wasn’t doing too good in Geometry or Spanish class, and I struggled with my self-image. Last year, I stopped eating red meat to be healthier and this year, I stopped eating mostly everything and when I did eat, I would run upstairs to make myself throw it all up.
It became my thing.
Bulimia.
It kinda became me.
I hid it from everyone. Everyone except Lee. I told him about it in one of my letters and he begged me to stop when he wrote me back. He said I didn’t need to make myself throw up to be pretty, because I already was pretty. I re-read that letter a million times, tracing my fingers over his words, trying to make myself believe them.
Sometimes when I’m at school, I see all the girls that are cute and bubbly and naturally skinny and it makes me hate the way I look even more. I was not naturally skinny. In fact, I used to be the chubby girl until I hit a growth spurt and thinned out. And then it took a lot of work for me to maintain that size. I usually do a workout every night before bed and try to burn off any of the calories that I actually did consume that day. This cycle made it hard for me to believe any compliments given to me.
I had an especially rough day at school in early December and waited until after dinner to call him so that he would be just getting home from school. Because of the time difference, I always had to call him closer to the time I would head to bed. I dialed the number by memory and waited while it rang.
“Hello?”
It was his mom.
“Hi Mrs. Combs, it’s Ellie. Can I talk to Lee, please?”
“Oh hi, Ellie! I’m sorry, Lee – he isn’t here right now.” She said.
“Oh, okay. Could you tell him I called then?”
I asked, a little disappointed.
Before she could respond, I heard Lee’s dad in the background, he asked, “Does she know he has a girlfriend? She should know that.”
I pretended I didn’t hear that because Lee’s mom covered the phone and I could hear his little sister’s muffled response, “No, it’s not our place to tell her that.”
Then I could hear her hand uncover the phone and she said more clearly, “Of course I will sweetheart, I’ll let him know when he gets home.”
“Okay, thanks. Bye.”
I hung up the phone and ran to the bathroom, throwing up bile, because that was all that was left in my stomach.
I didn’t hear from Lee for the rest of that month. I didn’t even try to call him on his birthday because he never called me back and it’s been three weeks since I sent my last letter to him.
* * *
Another Monday morning alarm woke me from my dreams in January. I actually could not stand the obnoxious beeping; I really need a new alarm clock. Maybe I should get one of those new ones that plays music when it sounds, only that probably wouldn’t get me out of bed. Ugh. It’s so cold, and I was really hoping we would have a snow day, but I couldn’t be that lucky since we have a test in math today.
I wanted to bury myself in my blankets and stay in bed all day, but my brother was actually being nice that morning and told me he had brewed a fresh pot of coffee for us before he headed out. He waved a steaming mug in my open doorway and then set it on the table just inside my room. I’m not really sure what’s gotten into him recently, he’s never this nice, especially not in the mornings, maybe he’s finally seeing someone. That would explain the recent change in his behavior.
* * *
In first period, I was sitting in science class, still trying to get functioning, when one of my friends passed me a note. I unfolded it and read it quickly while the teacher had his back turned, writing an assignment on the chalkboard. She told me her friend has been asking about me and wanted to know if she could introduce me to him between classes. I looked over to her and shrugged my shoulders saying “Sure.”
And a few minutes later, curiosity got me. As soon as I had the chance, I was asking her all the questions about this friend of hers. Is he cute? What’s his name? Do I know him? He’s not nerdy, is he?
The bell rang and Lucas was waiting at our class door when we walked into the hallway.
“Ellie, this is Lucas.”
Gwen said pushing him toward me. “Bye now.”
And she just left us there.
Awkward
“Hi.”
I smiled at him.
“Hey.”
“So… I haven’t seen you around, are you in ninth grade?” I asked.
“Yeah. I just moved here before school started. Kinda don’t know too many people yet.”
“Oh. Where’d you move from?”
“Cincinnati.”
He replied.
“You been here all your life?”
“Not all my life, but I’ve been here for a long time.”
He walked me to my next class; it was Spanish class. I wasn’t looking forward to going in there.
“Hey, can I call you after school?” he asked.
“Sure.”
I pulled out a pen from my backpack and wrote my phone number on his hand.
“See you later.”
I said and walked into my classroom.
I was surprised when he actually called me that night. We talked for two hours and he made me smile a lot with his jokes.
The next couple days, Lucas walked me to all my classes and to my bus in the bus line. On Friday, before I got on the bus, he pulled me back to face him.
“Will you be my girlfriend?” He asked.
I smiled with a big cheesy grin. “Yes!”
“Good. I’ll call you later.”
“Kay.”
I said as he walked away to find his bus.
Lucas and I were boyfriend and girlfriend for a few weeks before he tried to kiss me. I was still nervous about kissing. I guess I was weird for being fourteen and not having had my first kiss yet. Maybe some people would consider that little peck I left Lee with as my first kiss, but I didn’t count it. Every time he tried, I kept playing it off and rushed off to class, telling him I couldn’t be late again.
Then, one night on the phone, we were listening to music together, taking turns playing songs for each other and he told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to say to that, it was weird, you don’t love someone you’ve only been dating for a month. I hadn’t even told Lee I loved him, and I was pretty sure I felt more for him than I did for Lucas. I pretended I didn’t hear him and started singing the song that was playing in the background.
“Have you ever seen that movie Fear?” He asked.
“Yeah.”
I told him.
“You know how that guy; he was so in love with the girl, and he carved her name into his chest?”
“Yeah?”
This kind of made me nervous.
“Well, that’s what I did. I carved your name on my chest.”
Long pause of silence.
“What? No, you didn’t.”
I say to him.
“I did.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you. You should put my name on you too.”
He says. He’s serious and it’s strange. And I’m so wrapped up in how this guy is showing me so much attention – I think I liked being liked so much that I said “Okay.”
The next day, I skipped Spanish class to be with Lucas during his lunch shift. I was already failing that class so, I thought, no biggie, I’ll skip a few classes and it won’t make a difference. We were sitting outside after he finished his lunch, and he handed me a safety pin.
“What’s this for?”
I asked him.
“To carve my name on you.”
He said it so nonchalantly, as if the words were lyrics he had memorized and could repeat with ease. I hesitated but then grabbed the safety pin and rolled up my pant leg. It should have been a red flag, but I blew it off. I carved his initials lightly into my ankle, deciding to live in the moment. It was stupid and I figured it wouldn’t scar; it would likely fade away in a few weeks. He kissed me on the cheek, and we talked until the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch period.
“I’ll walk you to class.”
He said and he held my hand while we walked into the building and through the halls to my next class.
“You’re so pretty.”
He told me when we stopped just before the door to my history room. He held onto my hand tightly and looked into my eyes like he wanted to stare straight into my soul. It made me nervous.
“Thanks. See you after class.”
I said, ready to let go of his hand to walk away. Instead, he pulled me back to him and leaned in for a kiss. I turned my face, and he ended up kissing my chin. That made him angry, and he huffed when he threw my hand down.
“Fine.”
he said and stalked away, slamming through the door that led to the next hallway.
At first, I was a little shocked that he reacted this way, but then I thought maybe I was underreacting. If that’s a thing, I was definitely doing it, because the whole situation didn’t affect me, and I went into class like normal. I mean, we had only been dating for like five weeks, so I shrugged it off and focused on the assignment written on the board.
Lucas didn’t meet me after the bell rang and I didn’t see him before I got on the bus after school. I sat quietly in the back of the bus and ran through every second of our interactions on my way home wondering if he overreacted or if I was being a stupid little girl.
That night, he called me and said we should break up. He didn’t think I wanted to be his girlfriend because I didn’t want to kiss him. Ouch. That stung, but I realized I didn’t feel the hurt deep in my stomach like I thought I would. It was … okay. I was over him already. When I hung up and thought about the past five weeks, some of the weird stuff we talked about, it made me more at ease over the breakup. I told him that was fine and I’m sorry and left it at that. I’m glad that stupid safety pin only left lightly tinged red streaks on my ankle, and I went to bed, not giving it much more thought than that. Until the next day, when Gwen wrote me a note in science class again.
“Lucas thinks you’re a prude.”
Great.
Fabulous.
I’m a prude.
Good riddance Lucas. I went back to Spanish class that week and I’m angry that I’m there and that I’m terrible at learning this language and that someone thinks I’m a prude when really, I just didn’t feel comfortable enough with him to swap spit outside my classroom. Dammit, now I have a headache. And I couldn’t even linger in the hallway because my counselor walked me to class to make sure I went.
So, I suck it up, walk in and scan the room just as the tardy bell rings. There’s a new student in class; he must have just got here when I was skipping because I don’t recognize him. The table tent on his desk says his name is Wes and he had been sitting next to my empty seat. Since he didn’t have a partner, we were assigned as speaking buddies and he has helped me pass the last two tests. Chatting with him became the upside to having to return to a class I was dreading being in and Wes quickly became one of my new best friends.
* * *
Valentine’s day came and went, and while everyone at school was getting roses delivered to them in class, I thought about Lee and whether he was handing his girlfriend a bouquet of roses today. I considered writing another letter but decided against it. If he wanted to talk to me again, he would call me but he’s probably too busy with his girlfriend to even think about me.
Jealousy doesn’t sit well with me.
Bitterness seeps in.
But I was surprised at the end of the day with a single rose sitting on my desk when I walked into my last class. The card clipped to the stem just said “To Ellie: So I could see you smile”
there was no name or any other indication of who it was from and I smiled, closing the card and placing it back on my desk. Thank you, whoever you are, you made my day.
* * *
In the middle of March, the snow was finally melting away, and I came home from school and checked the mail, as usual. I walked into the house, slipped off my shoes, and threw the pile of letters on the counter before grabbing a coke from the fridge. On my way out of the kitchen, I picked up a few envelopes that had fallen off the counter when I threw them, and in that stack, was a letter addressed to me. The return address had Lee’s name on it, and I ripped the envelope open as quickly as I could.
Dear Ellie Belly,
I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in so long. It’s hard to explain but I hope you’re not too mad at me. I’ll tell you about it if want to know.
I thought you would call me on my birthday but when I checked with Mom, she told me that you hadn’t called in a while. I figured you went and got a boyfriend and forgot about me or something.
I wish I could hear your voice. I really miss hearing you talk. I wanted to call you but I wasn’t sure if you would answer the phone if you saw my number on the caller ID. Can you tell me that you’re not still making yourself throw up? Please don’t do it anymore … you’re too pretty for that and it scares me.
We took spring pictures at school and got them back yesterday. Here’s my picture in case you want a new one of me. Will you send me yours?
I heard our song on the radio a few minutes ago and it made me think of you so I wanted to write you this letter. Sometimes when I think about you I write down words so I don’t forget what I want to say next time we talk. I’ve been saving the list of words and since we haven’t talked in a while I’m going to list them here for you:
Beautiful, breathtaking, soft, perfect, comfy, smile, quiet, watermelon Don’t forget to write me back okay.
Love Always,
Lee
I breathe in heavily and hold my breath. He didn’t mention the girlfriend I heard about on the phone. So many questions ran through my head after I read that. Did he have a girlfriend? Did he break up with her? What was hard to explain? What’s with the list of words – watermelon? Well, I did get a boyfriend, Lee, and you forgot about me until you probably broke up with your girlfriend out there. I guess I’m just a back-burner girl. I’m not writing you back.
I pulled his picture out of the envelope and looked at his face, then I turned it over to see the back. He wrote “Love Always, Lee”. Dammit, his eyes still sparkle.
I should be mad.
I AM mad.
But I think I still really like him.
I folded up his letter and put it back in the envelope then walked upstairs to my room to put it in the box with all his other letters that I saved, and I didn’t write him back.
* * *
School got a little better, but there was no way I was passing Spanish even though I was getting good grades on my assignments. The damage had already been done and I missed too much when I was skipping class to hang out with Lucas. I should have never dated that guy.
But on the upside, Wes was helping me out in class as much as he could. We started talking outside of class and sometimes I go to see him when he works; we get to hang out on his breaks. It’s nice to have another friend I can just have fun talking to without trying to impress him.
We also talk on the phone. He likes country music and soccer, and he has a girlfriend. He writes me notes when he’s bored in class, and he told me he’s written me more notes than he has to his girlfriend. In one note, he told me that his mom told him once he should never leave a girl for another one. He told me he didn’t know who the right girl was, but he knew he didn’t want to be a cheater. I told him that talking to a friend wasn’t really cheating, but I would probably be pissed if I were his girlfriend and knew he was talking to me so much. I didn’t tell him that last part, though. Besides, he’s not going to my school next year anyways, so I probably won’t ever see him again.
When the school year ended, Wes told me to keep in touch. I didn’t think we would though, people always say that but don’t actually mean it. Not only was he going to a different school next year, but he was moving to another county about an hour away. I was looking forward to days where I could sleep in and walk to the community pool, but I would definitely miss our chats.
* * *
In late June, I found out that Steff was coming to visit for a while. She arrived a week after school ended and Dad set up new bunkbeds in my room in place of my single twin bed. We shared a room and talked all the time. We were already close before, but her moving in with us made Steff become the big sister I always wished I had; someone who could give me advice and share my secrets. One night, she told me that she had talked to Lee while I was out and asked me if I wanted to hear about their conversation.
“Sure. Tell me.”
I said, biting my nails nervously. I hadn’t written Lee back since I got his letter a couple months ago. I wasn’t sure why other than I had this lingering feeling of sadness over being the person he only talks to when he doesn’t have someone else more interesting to spend his time with.
“He asked about you.”
Steff told me.
“He wanted to know why you wouldn’t write him back.”
I frowned at that; how could he not know?
“He forgot about me.”
She raised her eyebrows in question, so I started to explain, “I called him one day and heard his dad say that he had a girlfriend and then he never called me back after that.”
“Oh. Yeah, he did have a girlfriend for a while. That stupid Stacy chick. He broke up with her because she was obsessed with him and wouldn’t let him do anything without her.”
She took a sip of her Diet Dr. Pepper and went on “After that, he was kind of depressed because she made him stop talking to you and his best friends. He started getting into trouble at school again, it was a big thing. Here, let’s call him right now!”
She grabbed the phone and dialed before I could object.
“Hello?”
Lee answered the phone, and it was on speaker.
“Hey Lee, it’s Steff.”
“Oh, hey”
he said glumly.
“Gee thanks, I can hear you’re so excited to talk to me.”
she said sarcastically.
“Sorry, I thought it might have been Ellie. I thought the caller ID said her number. What’s up? Where are you?” he asked.
“I’m actually here with Ellie. Say hi, you’re on speaker!”
she held the phone out.
“Ellie?!”
Lee asked, sounding surprised and excited.
“Hey.” I said.
“Dang. It’s really you. I missed your voice.”
“Me too.”
“Ugh, stop it! You’re gonna make me gag!”
Steff faked sticking her finger in her mouth.
“Here, take the phone Ellie, I’m gonna go downstairs.”
She handed me the phone and left the room, closing the door. I pushed the speaker button and held the phone to my ear, and I sat there, not saying anything for a few seconds.
“Are you there?”
Lee asked.
“Yeah. I’m here.” I said.
“How are you, Ellie Belly?”
“I’m okay.”
“That’s it? Just, okay?”
“Why didn’t you ever call me back?”
I said through gritted teeth.
“I’m sorry. I know I should have.”
He said quietly.
“I know you had a girlfriend.”
I told him.
“It’s okay that you had a girlfriend, Lee. I just didn’t think you would stop talking to me completely.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose.”
He paused, trying to think of what to say.
“I just – after a while, I thought, maybe you had gotten over me and I should just leave you alone.”
“I could never get over you.”
I whispered.
“Ahh shit, dangit.”
Lee dropped the phone and picked it back up.
“What? What happened?”
“I just … dropped my coke when you said that.”
I laughed.
He laughed.
We kept talking.
I told him about my short-lived boyfriend and how he broke up with me because I was a prude.
“So, you didn’t kiss him?” he asked.
“No, I didn’t kiss him. I guess I am a prude, huh?”
“No, you’re not a prude, Ellie. You’re just saving your first kiss for me!”
“God, would you just fly out here and kiss me already?”
I was semi-joking.
“I would in a heartbeat.”
He said.
“You know I would.”
“I know.”
And I told him about how Lucas said he carved my name on him. To which he responded, “What!? This dude sounds hella crazy!”
We laughed and I sighed, this was great. Hearing his voice, it just brought normal back.
“Can you please send me your picture? I need an updated one.” He asked.
“Ugh, okay.”
I said.
“But you might not think I’m as pretty as before.”
“Never.”
He shot back.
“Okay, I’ll send you a picture if you promise to please call me and write to me. Even if you do get another girlfriend.”
“I don’t want another girlfriend.” He said.
“Okay, but you will. And I want you to promise that we will still talk to each other, or at least when we’re not dating someone.”
“Okay, I guess. If you say so.”
“I’m serious. Promise?”
“Promise.”
“I’ll send you a letter.”
I tell him.
“Okay. Bye, Ellie.”
“Bye.”
I hang up the phone and spin around giggling to myself because this just made my whole day! Steff popped in with a big smile on her face and I realized that she had purposely planned this because she told me she was tired of both of us moping about. Well, thank you, Steff, this was exactly what I needed!