4. Chapter 4
Chapter four
“ H iiiiiii!” I sing as I join the video call with Amaya and Lana. I’m only two minutes late to our weekly scheduled call, but my best friends are two of the most punctual people I know. “I didn’t miss out on anything important, right?”
“Unless you count recapping a case study analysis as important, no,” Lana responds with a smirk.
“Definitely not,” I reply. “I mean, you are important to me, and I know it’s important to you, so it’s adjacent to important to me. But I don’t need a recap.”
Lana laughs as Amaya asks, “So? How was the first small group meeting? You texted and said it was fun, but give us the tea.”
I’ve prepared myself for how I should answer this question, debating whether to mention Brooks or not. But preparation has failed me. My mind goes blank, and I break eye contact with the screen as I pause before answering. “It was . . . great!”
“You hesitated,” Lana points out, literally pointing at me.
“Why the pause?” Amaya asks.
I make a pffft sound. “No need to overanalyze a little pause. My brain is tired, that’s all.”
“Liar,” Lana instantly assesses. “Your eyes darted to the left before you answered. There’s a whole textbook’s worth of explanation hiding behind that hesitation.”
Having best friends can be so annoying sometimes. Like when they know you well enough to recognize your tells and love you enough to call you out on them.
“Sigh,” I say, dropping my chin to rest in my hand .
“Did you just say ‘sigh,’ Teeg?” Amaya asks. “This is more serious than we thought.”
“It’s not that serious!” I exclaim. “Joy and Caleb rounded up a great group of people my age, and we had such a good time! Got to know each other and ate good food and played some fun party games, and these totally seem like people I will want to hang out with a lot!” I keep my voice chipper and fast-paced as I fly through the sentence.
“But?” Lana asks.
“Well, there was one tiny curve ball I wasn’t expecting,” I reluctantly admit, fiddling with a lock of hair. My best friends stare at me, unspeaking. They know I won’t be able to stand the silence.
“So, as it turns out, one of the people Caleb invited to join the group is a guy who moved to town a few weeks ago. And he’s someone I knew from high school.” I shrug.
“Teegs . . .” Lana prods, no-nonsense tone engaged.
“Fine, it was Brooks. My ex-boyfriend from high school.”
They both gasp. And I at least feel validated by their shock.
“You’re kidding me,” Lana responds.
Amaya is slowly shaking her head. “The only guy you dated in high school? That one?”
“Well, if there was only one guy I dated, then by process of elimination, yes, it would have to be him,” I say with an eye roll.
“I’m just shocked by the pure odds of this happening,” Amaya muses.
“I know, right?!” I reply. “Totally crazy.”
Lana is studying me intently, so I smile at her. “I’m fine, Beef.”
“Being on a video screen isn’t the same as sitting next to you on the bed in our AOPi room,” she sighs. “Be honest, Beef. How are you?”
“I’m really fine,” I half lie. Although, if it’s going to be the truth, that makes it not really a lie, right? “It caught me off guard to see him again without warning, but I’m so over him. I mean, that was high school. Forever ago. So much life since then. I’m totally great with it.”
Lana eyes me like she’s weighing my answer on Lady Justice’s scales.
“I really am looking forward to spending more time with the group and getting to know everyone. You were right about me needing some friends my age. I’m feeling better already after one meeting.” I lay the positivity on thick. “Now, I want to hear how that big pitch went this week, Amaya. I’m not pretending to understand exactly what it was for, but tell us about it as though I understand every word.”
My redirection of the conversation works, at least for now. We talk for another forty minutes before saying goodbye. Every week when we hang up, a wave of despondency floods over me. Some days, I quickly distract myself from the depressing emotions, usually by leaving the house to go hang out with a group of students.
But today, I set a two-minute timer and let myself wallow in the specific sadness brought on by missing the past. Whatever the depressed cousin of nostalgia is—that’s what I feel. Loving my current life but also wishing I could go back to those (mostly) carefree college days. Planning AOPi events with Amaya. Learning how to study with Lana. Summer Projects together. Late nights talking. Countless slushie runs.
Wishing we could all be together again.
My timer beeps, and I push myself up off my bed. I picture myself flying up, up, above the clouds. I imagine the rush of the sun on my face, the breeze against my skin.
I’m not sure what Gina has going on today, so I text her to see if she’d want to go over to the dorms together. There are a handful of new sorority freshmen I haven’t seen since recruitment week that I need to go visit again.
Some people time is exactly what I need to distract myself from . . . well, everything.
When Wednesday rolls around, I’m equal parts exhausted and relieved.
This week was the first time that each of my Bible study groups met. I’m leading groups in AOPi on Monday evenings and one of the other sororities, TriAlpha (short for Alpha Alpha Alpha), on Tuesday nights—which is slightly ironic considering they were our biggest rival when I was a student. This year, I scheduled another group earlier on Tuesday evenings with random girls from the dorms and off-campus. Sofia spearheaded the idea, and I just couldn’t say no .
I love the girls in each group and have so much fun in the moment, but as I drive to Joy’s house, I feel tension leave my body at the thought of hanging out with my new peer friends again. That is, until I think about interacting with Brooks, and then a different tension pops its head out of a new gopher hole.
The song “GOOD DAY” by Forrest Frank starts playing from my “Uplifting Tunes” playlist, and I crank up the volume. Singing along at the top of my lungs, I’m convincing myself of the words.
This is going to be a good day. A good time with good friends. You can be friends with Brooks. No biggie.
I park in front of the house and enter to a hug from Joy and greetings from those who have already arrived. There are light snacks again (and more cookies from Sarah—butterscotch this time). I chat with Will and Natalie as we wait for the rest of the group.
Brooks joins our conversation, and I’m mentally patting myself on the back for how nonchalant I act about it. He shares a little bit about his week of teaching, and I wish our history didn’t exist so I could ask a million follow-up questions—why he decided to start teaching, what drew him to it, what he loves about it, what’s hard, and what’s amazing.
I was so close to stepping into the world of education, and it intrigues me all over again. I was all set to become a special education teacher before I pivoted to join the Arrow staff team after graduating. I want to pick Brooks’ brain about his experience teaching, but the last thing I’m going to do is show too much interest in him.
Zero interest over here.
Caleb corrals us to the living room, and he begins by explaining that each week we’ll discuss one chapter from the book of John in the Bible. “Everyone can read chapter one for next week, but tonight I thought we could share something about our spiritual journeys. You’re welcome to share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with, or nothing at all. I’ll kick us off, but then we can popcorn around to whoever feels like sharing.”
My heart swells with gratitude as Caleb and then Jason share their faith testimonies of how they started believing in God and following Jesus. I never get tired of hearing real-life stories like this .
When there’s a lull after Jason, I jump in and share about growing up in church but beginning to take my faith more seriously in high school. I avoid eye contact with Brooks at all costs. “One of the women leading our high school group at church encouraged me to find a college ministry to plug in with so I could continue growing in my relationship with Jesus. I started attending Arrow meetings and wound up deepening my faith so much throughout college. It was the greatest blessing to be involved with such a great group, especially alongside my two best friends.”
Catherine shares next, followed by Candace. Brian seems more shy than Candace, so I’m not surprised when he doesn’t jump in after her.
“I can share,” Brooks says, and I try to prepare my heart. Is there any way to prepare myself for the missing puzzle pieces to be filled in? To find out what got him from there to here ?
“My family didn’t really go to church growing up, and neither did most of my friends.” His eyes dart ever-so-briefly to me. “But when I went to college, a couple of my teammates were really involved with Fellowship of Christian Athletes. I wasn’t interested at first, but there was something about those guys that drew me in. I eventually went with them to an FCA event and met other athletes who were also Christians. Over time, I learned about the Bible and Jesus. One day, I realized I wanted him in my life, to be my life. I recognized bad choices I had made in my past and selfish patterns of living that I wanted to change.”
Another fleeting look in my direction, one that paralyzes my lungs.
“I kept growing in my faith throughout college, and the difference my family saw in me caused them to start going to church too. Now, I’m excited to continue growing along with all of you,” Brooks concludes with a smile.
Natalie speaks up next, and I will myself to listen to her instead of ruminating on Brooks’ story. Ruminating on how things could have been different if only . . .
Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Listen to Natalie.
As the hour grows later, Caleb closes our time in prayer. Before everyone leaves, I pull a page from Social Chair Teegan’s book. “It’s only eight-thirty, so if anyone wants to hang a little longer, we could head over to Creamiery to get gelato!”
Sarah, Will, and Brooks chime in positively, but I’m otherwise met with a chorus of apologies. I forget that not everyone socializes until nine or ten o’clock every night as part of their job. Or maybe everyone else isn’t as spontaneous as I am?
Creamiery is in the heart of Center Square, the hub of the city. All of Brooklyn’s major retail and social businesses line the streets. Local restaurants, coffee shops, gift stores, bars, and bookstores draw crowds from the community and the university every day. I pull up to Creamiery and parallel park like a boss. Unlike Lana, who’d drive circles around the streets until she found an angled parking spot, my impatience won out, and I learned to master parallel parking.
I take an extra few seconds in the car to ground myself. You are going to have a good time. Sarah and Will are so nice. They are your friends now. Brooks is also your friend now. This is just four friends eating frozen dessert together.
After choosing our gelato flavors, we find a table. I take a bite of the new coffee cheesecake flavor I decided to try this time. “Oh, this is so good. You all should have ordered this flavor!”
“I think even the trace amounts of caffeine in that would keep me awake all night!” Sarah laughs. “I can tell I’m not a college student anymore—I need my beauty sleep, and caffeine after lunch does not jive with that! How do you keep up with the perpetually young students all the time, Teegan?”
I huff a laugh. “Copious amounts of caffeine and sugar, I suppose,” I tease with a wry smile. “I’m sure the day will come when I can’t hang with the night owls anymore, but it’s my natural bent. Well, being around people any time of day is my natural bent.”
In my peripheral vision, I notice the corner of Brooks’ lips twitch before he takes a bite of his gelato.
“So, in addition to caffeine and sugar, extreme extroversion required,” Sarah recaps. “Count me out for college ministry then! I’ll stick with my day job. ”
Will speaks up next. “I was recently in the Kansas City area for a work conference.” He motions toward me with his spoon. “What part of the city are you from?”
“I grew up in Lee’s Summit, a suburb on the Missouri side of the metro. I doubt that’s where you would have been for a conference,” I respond, dreading the next question he might ask. And who he might ask.
“Yeah, we were downtown somewhere. What about you, Brooks? You said you’re from KC too,” Wills pivots.
“Actually, I’m also from Lee’s Summit,” Brooks answers. He clears his throat, as though clearing away a bite of gelato. I recognize it as a stall tactic, though. “Believe it or not, Teegan and I went to the same high school.”
“No way!” Sarah exclaims.
“I know! Small world, right?” I say as breezily as possible.
“Did you know each other?” Will asks.
My blood pressure skyrockets. Pretty sure it would blow the cuff right off my arm if I were at the doctor’s office. How should I respond? What do I say?
“Yeah, I was a year older, so we didn’t have any classes together,” Brooks answers. “But Teegan was on the dance team, so we’d always see each other at basketball games and stuff before I graduated.”
It’s a half-truth, but that’s still the truth, right? It’s not like Will and Sarah need to know my entire history with Brooks. It’s not like they’d want to know every detail about how our souls were so enmeshed that we were practically one person instead of two individuals.
Right up until he ripped our souls apart and shredded mine.
Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Think about this delish gelato. Ask a new question.
“What was your work conference about?” I ask Will, praying he’ll take the bait and get this conversation going on a different track. Luckily for me (and Brooks), Will launches into a lengthy explanation of the intricacies of a cyber security conference. He’s surprisingly hilarious, totally bursting all of my preconceived notions about tech guys .
Sarah asks Brooks what made him get into teaching, and I want to hug her for giving me this chance to hear his answer without having to be the one showing interest.
“Before I answer, you have to promise not to think less of me,” Brooks starts with a wry grin. I can’t help but laugh along with Sarah and Will. “I started college thinking I’d wind up in some sort of PR or sales role, something with lots of relational time built into my responsibilities. But shortly after I began reading my Bible and going to church, I started rethinking how I could have an impact on people with my career.”
“No judgment so far,” Sarah says.
“Well, here’s where the story takes a turn,” Brooks replies. “I was scrolling social media and saw a viral video.” He pauses for our laughter again. “It was a group of high schoolers celebrating their teacher’s birthday. It had a compilation of clips they had taken of him teaching, mixed with their comments about how much he had changed their lives by caring about them. It blew me away to see a teacher be so engaging with the kids and especially the impact it had. One of my teammates who was a year older than me was an education major—I think because he wanted to become a coach someday. I asked him lots of questions about the classroom experience he’d had so far, and it intrigued me even more. I changed my major to secondary education the next semester. I’ve always been interested in history, so I chose social studies as my emphasis.”
I think about all the historical documentaries Brooks used to watch in high school that I teased him relentlessly about. I fell dead asleep the one time I attempted to watch a World War I docuseries with him. Although, I do remember not being mad when I woke up snuggled against his chest with his arm around me.
Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it, Teegan. Think about the squirrels dropping acorns on students’ heads every year on campus. Think about the AOPi girls pranking the Omega Gamma frat house’s letters last night. Think about slushies with Lana and Amaya.
“I suppose if social media can inspire such a noble career choice, then it can’t be all bad,” Sarah muses .
“Oh, it’s definitely still mostly bad,” Brooks says with an exaggerated grimace. “The very thing that inspired me to become a teacher is now the bane of my existence as an educator. But despite the challenges, I’ve never regretted my decision to pursue education. I love being in the classroom, love making learning fun for moody teenagers.”
Conversation comfortably popcorns between the four of us for the next hour. Lots of belly laughs later, we start to wind down. Aside from those few tense moments when we skirted past Brooks’ and my relationship history, I had a fabulous time tonight. My cup is full, and I’m silently thanking Amaya and Lana for prodding me to pursue some new friendships.
Also, I proved to the whole world that I can hang out with Brooks Murphy without acting like a psycho. Today absolutely goes in the win bucket.