Chapter 24
TWENTY-FOUR
Jane combed through her memories from a decade ago, trying to recall those weeks and months leading up to her pregnancy. It came back to her in a blur of emotions: the hopelessness, the shock, the fear, the sense of being utterly alone. But the specific details of that time floated just beyond her reach.
How long after she’d slept with Nik had she been with Matteo for the first time? A week or two? And then it was a couple of months later she’d discovered she was pregnant. Had she gotten her period in the time between? She’d been so young, so dumb about the mechanics of it all. Jane remembered that she’d wished Nik was the father more than she’d actually believed it. They’d definitely used a condom. She knew that much for sure: Nik had cared about her too much not to protect her. She remembered every detail of their first time together. Their only time.
But they’d been young and inexperienced. And condoms failed, sometimes. Had she convinced herself it was Matteo because she was three thousand miles from home, and being with Nik was impossible? Or was Matteo Scarlett’s father all along, and now she was talking herself into believing it was Nik?
Jane watched Nik as he reached over Scarlett’s head to push the button on a monitor. And there it was again. Their high, defined cheekbones. The straight line of their noses. And now she could see similarities in the arch of their eyebrows, too.
But then Nik bent over to untangle a cable, and the resemblance was gone.
This doesn’t change anything.
Jane blinked and looked away. The notion that Nik had fathered Scarlett was nothing but half-baked speculation stemming from an overwhelming amount of stress. She and Scarlett were still leaving for Canada. It didn’t matter who had contributed to Scarlett’s genetic material. Matteo would never, ever let them go. Her only hope was running, just like she’d planned. Kait would come through with a car and, in less than a week, she and Scarlett would be safely across the border, as far away from Matteo as possible. They’d start a new life and Nik would never have to know she was having these unhinged suspicions that he was Scarlett’s father.
Nobody ever has to know.
But as Nik looked up to flash Jane a smile, doubt curled in her abdomen. He’d been amazing with Scarlett earlier. Kind and caring and natural.
How could I leave, and take Scarlett away forever, without even considering finding out the truth?
If Nik turned out to be Scarlett’s father, maybe Matteo wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her. Maybe, legally, he wouldn’t be allowed to have anything to do with her. Jane could take Mom’s advice and hire a lawyer to help them. They wouldn’t have to run, and Scarlett could know her father—her real father—the compassionate, thoughtful man that she deserved.
And then… maybe… someday …
Jane’s attention drifted back to Nik just as he stepped into a narrow slant of light from the streetlamp outside. It was a far-fetched idea. A fairy tale. And Jane had never lived a fairy tale life. Wishes didn’t come true, and there was no such thing as happily-ever-afters.
But, for the first time in a decade, Jane found herself starting to believe.
Scarlett woke early the next morning, just as the doctor came in to make her rounds before breakfast. Nik was no longer Scarlett’s physician; he’d handed her case off to the attending on the inpatient unit, and Jane wasn’t sure if they’d see him before they left. He said he’d be working in the ER that morning, but he was probably busy with patients. She wasn’t sure if she was sorry or relieved.
The doctor checked Scarlett over, shining a light in her eyes and testing her reflexes before she declared the girl ready to be discharged. Jane helped Scarlett change from her hospital gown back into her street clothes, and they were about to head out when a message alert popped up from Matteo on Jane’s phone.
Jane dreaded what he had to say. Matteo didn’t like being home alone—he got bored, antsy, annoyed when he didn’t have Jane to do things for him. Add that to the fact that he was having staffing issues at the club, and his messages were increasing in both frequency and urgency. It was only a matter of time before he started demanding that she come home. Which meant that the clock was ticking for her to finish putting her plan into place. She sent Matteo another soothing message, hoping he would hold off at least until after Christmas.
The nurse insisted that Jane take Scarlett out to the car in a wheelchair, and just as they were heading out into the hall, Nik stepped out of the elevator, a tote bag over one arm .
“Hi,” he said, giving Jane a quick smile before he knelt down to Scarlett’s level.
“Hi, Dr. Nik.” Scarlett gave him a grin.
“How are you feeling?”
“Okay.”
“How’s the head? Still hurt?”
“It feels better now.”
“Good. You’re going to need to take it easy for a few days, okay? No running around.”
Scarlett nodded.
“Your mom said you like to read, so I did some digging.” He slid the tote off his arm and reached in, pulling out a small pile of chapter books. He set them on Scarlett’s lap. “Have you read these Warrior Cats books yet?”
Scarlett’s eyes lit up as she took in the colorful covers, each with a different cat’s face. “No! Thanks.”
“Let me know what you think, okay?” He hitched his chin at her cast. “Now, are you going to let me sign that thing?”
“Sure!”
Jane’s eyes trailed after him as he grabbed a Sharpie from the nurses’ station and came back to scrawl the words Dr. Nik, Uno Champion on the textured green material.
“Nooo!” Scarlett protested, laughing. “What happens when I beat you next time?”
Nik appeared to give it some thought. “Then I’ll let you write Scarlett, Uno Champion on my arm. Deal?”
“Deal.”
Nik held out a hand and they shook.
Still grinning, he came around to the back of the wheelchair. “How are you feeling?” he asked Jane, leaning in. “Did you get any sleep on that couch?”
“Not much,” she admitted, running her fingers through her tangled hair, self-conscious now that he was standing so close. The nurse had given her a small toiletry bag, so Jane had brushed her teeth and washed her face, but she’d been wearing the same clothes for twenty-four hours and didn’t even want to think about the dark circles under her eyes she’d seen in the bathroom mirror that morning.
Nik nudged Jane aside so he could take over wheelchair pushing duties. Jane let him, her heart stirring at the small but thoughtful gesture. She was tired, he stepped in to help. Simple as that. But it wasn’t simple to Jane, and her thoughts from last night went whirling again.
Mom had pulled the car into the loading zone, and when she saw them coming, she climbed out to open the door. Scarlett was a little unsteady on her feet, so Nik helped her into the back and reached over to click the seatbelt while Jane stood by and marveled again how much easier everything was with a little bit of help. When she wasn’t trying to do everything on her own.
Nik closed the back door, and Mom gave a smile in his direction. “It’s nice to see you, Nik. How is your mother?”
“She’s great. Probably baking. It’s her favorite thing to do this time of year.”
“Oh, yes.” Mom smiled. “I remember her famous Christmas cookies.”
Jane could still remember the taste of Mrs. Andino’s triple chocolate peppermint cookies. They might have been the single confection better than Pete’s peanut butter brownies.
“What are your plans for the holiday?” Nik asked, looking back and forth from Jane to Mom.
“We’re just going to have a quiet day,” Jane said. She’d picked up one more gift for Scarlett on her errands yesterday and, knowing Mom, there would probably be pancakes. But they didn’t have plans beyond that. Still, it would probably be the best Christmas they’d ever had.
“Why don’t you join us at my mom’s?” Nik asked.
Jane had so many happy memories from Mrs. Andino’s house. But Christmas was in two days. “Oh, we couldn’t just show up at the last minute.”
“Since I’ll be helping her cook, I know we’ll have plenty of food.” He cocked his head. “And I know she’d love to see you and meet Scarlett.” He turned to Mom. “And to see you too, Mrs. McCaffrey.”
Mom’s face creased with longing and, unexpectedly, Jane felt a lump in the back of her throat. Mom is as isolated as I am. She’d been alone raising a child… and then just alone , with Dad, for decades. She’d lost her family, her community, her best friend, too.
Before Jane could change her mind, she nodded. “If you’re sure you have room for us, we’d love to.”
On the way home, they stopped at the pharmacy to fill Scarlett’s prescription, and Jane ran inside. She was headed down an aisle toward the back of the store when a tall man about her age stepped out of her path. His blue eyes and dark, curly hair looked vaguely familiar, but she didn’t realize she knew him until he called out her name.
Jane turned around. “Martin?” They’d gone to high school together. She remembered him as tall and skinny, a bit nerdy. He’d worn glasses and braces and had gotten straight As in the honors classes.
He’d filled out in the past ten years, with broad shoulders and more muscle than she remembered. The braces were gone, obviously, and though he still wore glasses, they were the clear-rimmed, trendy kind. His tailored suit looked out of place in the aisles of the local pharmacy, though it fit him impeccably. “How are you?”
“Good.” He nodded in Jane’s direction. “It’s great to see you. I didn’t realize you were back in town. ”
“Just visiting.” She shrugged. “I hear you’re an attorney now.”
“Did the suit give it away?” Martin laughed. “I don’t usually wear one, but I was in court this morning.”
“Actually, my mom told me. She said you practice family law. Divorces and custody cases.” Jane hesitated, eyeing his suit. “Do you have reason to go to court often in a small town like Linden Falls?”
“You’d be surprised.” Martin cocked his head. “Did your mom also tell you my door is always open? I offer a steep discount for old friends.”
Jane might have been imagining it, but she felt his gaze shift to the bruise on her cheek. It seemed like overnight it had turned from purple to a hideous greenish-yellow color. That was good, it meant that it would be gone soon, but Jane couldn’t help but feel extra self-conscious about it now. And since she’d slept in Scarlett’s hospital room last night, she hadn’t had any make-up to cover it up.
Did Martin know? Or at least suspect? He was clearly a smart guy.
For about the hundredth time that morning, Jane’s thoughts drifted back to her revelation about Nik last night, and that same longing kicked her in the gut. What if it were true? What if Nik were Scarlett’s father? And what if maybe there was a way out that didn’t involve running away again?
She’d need the best lawyer in the business, someone who’d be willing to go up against Matteo, someone scary enough to get him to back down. Jane was pretty sure she wasn’t going to find that kind of lawyer in Linden Falls.
As if he could read her mind, Martin pulled a card from his pocket and held it out. “Listen, Jane. I worked for five years at a firm in New York City on pretty much every kind of case you can imagine, and I saw just about everything. Opposing counsel might think I’m just a small-town lawyer in sleepy Western New York. But I just use it to my favor when they underestimate me.”
Jane took the card, studying the black font against the heavy cream cardstock. “Well, I should probably get going.”
Martin nodded. “It was nice to run into you.”
“You, too.” Jane headed to the pharmacy window at the back of the store.
There was a garbage can near the checkout, and she almost tossed Martin’s card in but, at the last second, she tucked it into her pocket instead.
Back at the house, Jane got Scarlett settled on the couch with Nik’s books, and then she headed into the kitchen to make some breakfast. Mom was standing at the stove, pancake batter already mixed up, poured on the pan, and dotted with chocolate chips.
I could get used to this. With an exhausted sigh, Jane settled on a stool with a cup of coffee.
“I’m so sorry about the accident.” Mom nudged the bag of chocolate chips, and Jane was reminded that this all started with Scarlett’s sweet tooth. “I should have been watching her.”
“It’s not your fault.” Across the counter, Jane met her mother’s eyes. “I mean it. The same thing could have happened when I was here. You can’t blame yourself.”
“I should have protected her.” Mom cleared her throat, her eyes filling. “I should have protected her, and I should have protected you.”
Jane’s mouth dropped open, but no words would come out. In all her years of living with Dad, Mom had never expressed regret over how she’d defended him instead of leaving. She’d certainly never acknowledged how it had affected Jane. But instead of that same old bitterness rising up, a new emotion took over, one triggered by old memories: Dad annoyed that Jane was out too late at choir practice, and Mom mentioning that the mayor had complimented Jane’s beautiful voice. Dad grumbling about Jane’s friends, and Mom running to get Dad a beer. Dad angry about Jane’s grade on a science test, and Mom getting a slap across the face.
Maybe it took eighteen years for Dad to turn on me because Mom always stepped in to stop him .
As a child, she hadn’t realized it. But now it made perfect sense, especially because now she knew what it was like to be in Mom’s shoes. How many times had Matteo been annoyed with Scarlett, and Jane had feared he might hurt her? You’re in the way, you’re playing too loudly. Jane had always made sure she was there to step in, to draw his ire away. Had Mom silently protected Jane by soothing Dad, by distracting him, and—when that didn’t work—by taking a punch?
“You did protect me,” Jane whispered. “More than I ever realized.” Gently, she reached and touched Mom’s wrist, the one where she sometimes wore a brace.
Mom flipped her hand over and took Jane’s, giving it a squeeze. With the other hand, she brushed a tear from her cheek.
The pan sizzled, and Mom turned away to attend to breakfast. “I know I keep dwelling on this”—she flipped the pancakes—“but what if you were to stay here?”
Jane reached into her pocket and rubbed the edge of Martin’s card. He really did seem very competent. But all the competence in the world wasn’t going to stop Matteo if he didn’t want to be stopped. “I don’t think Matteo would ever let us go.”
Mom took a deep breath, almost as if she were debating whether to say something. “There are ways to deal with Matteo.”
“Like talking to a lawyer?”
“Well, yes. For one thing. Or?— ”
A knock at the door cut off her next words, and Jane’s mind flew to Matteo. He’d texted her about staffing at the club less than an hour ago. He wouldn’t show up here now. Would he? The fear always lingered in the corners of her mind. That fight-or-flight response always turned slightly up.
Jane ran for the door, swinging it open, and found Hannah standing on the porch along with a little girl of about six years old.
Jane’s shoulders relaxed. “Hannah! Hi.”
“Hi,” Hannah said, giving her a tentative smile and nervously adjusting the beanie hat she’d tugged over her hair. “I’m sorry to just show up like this. I don’t have your number anymore.” Hannah lifted her mitten-covered hands in a shrug. “I wondered if you were free to grab some coffee or something? I’d love to catch up a little before you leave town.”
It was so like Hannah to reach out and make a gesture of friendship, even though Jane didn’t deserve it. Jane’s gaze drifted to the girl by her old friend’s side, and a wistful smile tugged at her lips. She looked so like how Jane remembered Hannah as a girl. “You must be Amelia.”
The girl nodded shyly.
“I recognize you from your photo, and because you look exactly like your mom.”
“I really wanted you to meet her,” Hannah said, smoothing a wayward curl from her daughter’s forehead.
Behind Jane, a voice drifted from the living room. “Mommy? Who’s at the door?” A second later, Scarlett appeared in the hallway, clutching her cast to her chest.
“Did she say…” Hannah’s eyes grew wide. “You have a daughter, too?”
So much for keeping Scarlett a secret. Jane wasn’t worried about Hannah spreading rumors all over town. Far from it. But every connection with someone she’d cared about from her past was making it harder to think about leaving without a trace again.
Hannah was still standing in the doorway, though, and the words were out of Jane’s mouth before she could stop to think about what she was saying. “Would you like to come in?”
“Only if you’re not busy.”
“We’re not. My mom just made coffee and pancakes.”
Hannah and Amelia stepped inside and hung their coats on the rack. Hannah turned her attention back to Scarlett. “I guess I didn’t need to ask if this is your daughter. I see the resemblance.”
“This is Scarlett,” Jane said.
Hannah’s face broke into a huge smile. “Hi, it’s so lovely to meet you. How old are you?”
“Nine.”
“This is my daughter, Amelia. She’s six.”
“Scarlett,” Jane explained, “this is my old friend Hannah. I’ve known her since she was a little older than you.”
“Like you knew Dr. Nik?”
Hannah’s eyebrows rose. “You met Nik?”
“At the hospital.”
Hannah’s green eyes drifted over Scarlett’s cast.
“Scarlett,” Jane said. “Why don’t you take Amelia into the living room and show her your Legos?”
Scarlett eyed the other girl. “Do you know how to play Uno?”
Amelia shook her head.
“Come on, I’ll teach you.” The girls headed into the living room.
Hannah beamed. “It’s sweet to see our daughters together, isn’t it?”
Jane peeked in at Scarlett and Amelia as they settled on the couch. Scarlett was attempting to shuffle the pack of Uno cards Nik had given her, and then she began counting them out. “You get seven and I get seven,” she explained patiently to Amelia.
Jane realized now how lucky she was to grow up in Linden Falls, where kids could roam freely—even if Dad had kept the whole town in his grip. Jane had been allowed to hang out with friends and participate in local activities. It was new to her to see suddenly how much protection that had offered her, how she’d been able to avoid the sort of isolation that many kids in her situation would have experienced. Kids like Scarlett.
There were no kids roaming their neighborhood in LA. Where would they have gone? The strip malls and night clubs? Scarlett’s school was huge, underfunded, and full of kids who had a lot more problems at home than Scarlett did. There were no slumber parties, no playdates in their neighborhood in LA, no after-school activities. It was easy to go unnoticed, and Scarlett and Jane mostly kept to themselves.
She smiled as Scarlett’s voice drifted out, its hint of older-child authority evident as she explained the rules. Amelia hung on every word.
Jane leaned into the room. “Just Uno, okay, Scarlett? No running around. You’re supposed to be resting.”
Scarlett nodded and went back to her game.
Hannah looked concerned as they walked down the hall to the kitchen. “Was she in the ER with Nik? Is she okay?”
“She fell yesterday, but she’s fine. She fractured her wrist and has a little bump on her head.”
“Oh, no. That’s so much for you to handle on a trip away from home.” Hannah glanced up the stairs to the floor above. “Is her dad here to help?”
“No, he’s back in LA.” Jane hesitated. “But my mom has been really helpful.” She said it partly to change the subject, but as the words came out of her mouth, she realized that leaving Mom behind again was getting harder to come to terms with. Mom, alone in this big house. And she and Scarlett miles away in Canada. It didn’t make any sense.
They entered the kitchen and found Mom setting the kitchen island with two plates of pancakes and two mugs of coffee. Hannah and Mom exchanged hugs and pleasantries, and then Mom headed for the doorway. “I’ll let you girls talk.”
“Thanks for this,” Jane said, nodding at the food and drinks Mom had made for them. “And for your help earlier today.”
Mom’s lips curved up in a smile that Jane couldn’t help but notice was a little wistful. “Anytime.” With a wave she exited the kitchen.
The sound of giggling drifted in from the next room. Scarlett and Amelia seemed to be having fun. Jane and Hannah exchanged a smile as they settled on their stools at the counter.
“Thanks for having us.” Hannah wrapped her hands around her mug. “I didn’t mean to intrude or anything.”
“You’re not intruding at all. I want to apologize for taking off the other day.” Jane knew she owed Hannah an explanation for her strange behavior in front of the Harp and Fiddle. And even more than that, for taking off a decade ago. If it had been Nik, Hannah, or Ali who’d disappeared without a trace, Jane would have been frantic. At the time, she’d been so wrapped up in her own desperation that she hadn’t realized what they must have gone through. But she had no idea where to even begin, especially with so much of her future still up in the air.
Luckily, Jane didn’t have to figure out what to say because the girls chose that moment to come into the kitchen and request hot chocolate.
“Sure,” Jane said, hopping off her stool and pulling open the fridge to get the milk. The girls ran back to their game and Jane quickly changed the subject to Hannah. “So, you’re a teacher now?”
Hannah nodded, her red curls bouncing. “I teach fourth grade at Linden Falls Elementary. And my husband is on the police force here in town.”
Jane’s head jerked up from where she was pouring milk into two mugs. “So, he worked for my dad?”
Hannah pulled her plate of pancakes closer and picked up her fork. “Not for very long. Ed was in the military for four years after college, and then he joined the police force about a year and a half ago.” She twisted the fork in her hands. “They weren’t… close or anything.”
Jane focused on stirring the hot chocolate mix into the milk, relieved she hadn’t revealed anything about leaving Matteo. Hannah’s husband might not have been close with her dad, but he was still a cop.
More giggles drifted in from down the hall and, for a moment, Jane wondered if she should tell Scarlett to take it easy so she wouldn’t end up with another raging headache, or worse, back in the ER. But when she stopped by the living room to deliver their hot chocolate, Jane couldn’t bring herself to tamp down Scarlett’s happiness. It was so rare for her to get to play with other kids.
Maybe when they found a place to live in Canada, Scarlett could finally have a normal childhood. She could have friends and sleepovers and there would be no tiptoeing around. And maybe they could even find a house with a space to play outside. But Jane’s mind couldn’t quite form a clear picture of it. Instead, her attention was drawn out the window to the yard in front of Mom’s house. It had snowed again last night, just an inch on top of the foot that had been there previously, and the drifts were fluffy and white, just waiting for a kid to run out and build a snowman.
“A couple of decades ago, who would have thought our daughters would be playing together?” Jane mused, once she returned to the kitchen and sat on a stool next to Hannah.
“I would have,” Hannah said, with a crooked smile. “Or I would have hoped it, anyway. You know I’ve always been a small-town girl, so my dream was that we’d all end up back here someday.” She shrugged. “I’m lucky that Ali’s mom is still in Linden Falls, and they’re close so she comes back to visit a lot. And, of course, I got Nik full time, which I never expected.”
“Was it awful when he lost the scholarship?”
Hannah pushed a bite of pancake around on her plate. “That whole time was hard for Nik. But I think it worked out in the end. He’s doing amazing, really important work at the hospital and in the community.” She shot a glance in Jane’s direction. “And I think he’s happy here. Linden Falls isn’t the backwoods town it was when we were kids. It’s come a long way.”
East Bumfuck.
When Matteo had first started calling it that, Jane had laughed. That was back when she still hoped LA was a place where her dreams could come true. She stared at the mug wrapped in her hands. The handle was chipped, the blue glaze faded, but still, it felt warm, comforting against her skin. This whole kitchen felt that way, with the heat coming from the oven where Mom had left the pancakes to warm, the smell of maple syrup mingling with Hannah’s familiar lavender perfume, the sound of the girls laughing over a game she used to play with Nik.
Her dreams were so much simpler now.
Almost as if she could read Jane’s thoughts, Hannah said, “I’m not sure why you left without a word all those years ago, but I know it must have been a good reason.” She looked at Jane with an intensity that left Jane wondering if there was more to her statement that Ed and Dad hadn’t been close. Did Ed know who Dad really was? Did Hannah?
“But we’re here for you,” Hannah continued. “Even Ali. She puts on a good show, but she still cares about you.”
Jane’s heart ached as she stared down into her mug of coffee. All those years ago, she’d been desperate to get out of here, terrified Dad would destroy her and the one person she’d cared about the most. But Dad had done exactly what she’d feared and stolen Nik’s scholarship anyway. Except it hadn’t destroyed him. Nik was still a doctor, maybe even a better one for how hard he’d had to fight for it.
It turned out that Dad had never had all the power after all. What if, a decade ago, she’d stayed and leaned on the people who loved her? Like Hannah and Ali. Like Nik. What if she stayed now , and leaned on the people who loved her?
Maybe it was time to stop running, to stop giving another abusive man more power over her life. She thought about Mom cooking and playing with Scarlett, so eager to be a part of her granddaughter’s life. And Hannah showing up here, after all this time, ready to give Jane a second chance.
And then she thought about Nik, crouching down next to Scarlett’s wheelchair to make her laugh. His eyes meeting hers across the crowded café. They’re going to love you.
What if she called Martin and asked for his help, and then opened up to Hannah, Ali, and Nik about her past in LA? What if, instead of spending her life running, looking over her shoulder, isolated and alone, she surrounded herself with people who cared for her and would protect her?
Jane looked up from her coffee and met her old friend’s eyes. “That means a lot, Hannah. You have no idea how much.”