CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Marcy
Annie and I sit curled up on my couch, cozy blankets and a glass of wine in our hands. We have been binging Real Housewives of Potomac, which is not a favorite but scratches an itch.
“Are we going to talk about it?” Annie asks, sipping her wine but keeping her judgmental eyes on me.
“I guess, if we have to.” I surrender. “Where would you like to start?”
“I want to start with the fact that he took a job to stay in North River, to stay with you.”
“Did he though? It’s a good opportunity for him, and he did say he had been tired of the lifestyle he was living, wanting to settle down a bit.
Maybe it has nothing to do with me, the timing for him was just right.
” At least, this is what my brain has been mulling over, trying not to get my hopes up in case this is the real scenario taking place.
“Marcy, that man looks at you like you are his north star, it has frankly been nauseating the past couple of months watching you two stare at each other from across decidedly unromantic settings. You guys once eye fucked each other from across a room, and I was changing a bed pan between you. Why are you afraid to let yourself believe you are loved that much?”
She is going to continue but I cut her off, “Because it is hard to believe!” the tone is a little harsher than I intended.
“Annie, the one person in my life that was supposedly genetically inclined to love me, couldn’t do it enough to put down the bottle.
The one other person in my life that I let love me, couldn’t love me enough to keep his dick out of my roommate.
It’s not a big jump to see the common denominator in all this. ”
“I call bullshit,” now it’s Annies turn to be frustrated apparently.
“Your Mom had a disease, and Max was a fucking idiot. You use them over and over as excuses to not find happiness, and you ignore the fact that you have real love you in your life. I love you; Gary and Stan love you, and you have a whole town that practically raised you and rallied around you when you needed them.” She drains her wine.
“You can keep ignoring the mountain of evidence that you are lovable and worthy, or you can let two people incapable of loving themselves, let alone anyone else, dictate the rest of your existence.”
She’s right. That was a solid speech.
It’s exhausting living with the haunting feeling that I am not lovable. I have ignored all the examples in my life where love has flowed freely, staying stuck in the past with two people that never had my best interest at heart.
“Thank you. I think I needed that.”
“Yes, you did. I understand that it will still take time for you to trust love, but you can’t let this man slip through your fingers because of your anxiety. You will never forgive yourself.”
“Since when did you turn into Dr. Phil?”
“I’ve been growing-up Marcy, I haven’t had sex with a man in eighteen weeks and three days, so I have had time to think about other things.”
“I’m proud of you, how long will this break be?”
“Until options improve, I’m done with the mediocre boys this town has to offer right now. You found a real man; I want one of those.”
“Well, I haven’t exactly nailed this one down. I asked him if we could talk in person tomorrow. He is going to meet me here after work for a walk.”
“Just speak your truth Marcy, you know what you want, you can trust yourself.”
That’s the plan, speak my truth and hope it aligns with Nick’s. Consequences be damned.
It’s 5:30 in the afternoon, and I am waiting at the stairs to my apartment, wrapped in a heavy black peacoat and fur lined boots.
It is late November and there is a light snow falling this evening.
In most other places, a snowy evening would mean a cancelled walk, to be replaced with some hot chocolate and a board game by the fire.
In Minnesota, the right winter gear is adorned, and you head out for a snowy adventure.
Nick emerges through the parking lot and my heart flutters immediately.
The closer he gets to me; the flutters turn to racing.
He’s smiling, but it’s a little more reserved than his typical ear to ear beam.
He is also wearing a dark peacoat, jeans, and brown leather boots.
He looks more put together than the last time I saw him, all dark and stormy in my office.
His beard is trimmed, and his bright blue eyes are softly assessing me, the way mine are surely assessing him.
He reaches for me as he approaches and pulls me into a hug, which leaves my body instantly relaxing against his broad chest. I can feel him placing gentle kisses in my hair, and his scent envelopes me.
“Hi Marcy,” he says softly into my hair. “I missed you.”
“You saw me yesterday,” I remind him. He chuckles and pulls back from me, holding my arms to my sides.
“I think you know what I mean. Shall we walk and talk?” He takes my hand and leads me through the parking lot. Light snow falling around us, collecting on the sidewalk and sparkling under the streetlights lining the sidewalk. “Marcy, I’m sorry…” he starts but I interrupt him.
“Nick, let me go first.” He nods in agreement.
“I am sorry. I freaked out after not hearing from you on Saturday, and didn’t trust myself when it came to how I felt things were going with us.
I mean, we were practically inseparable and the first moment we came up for air, I unraveled a bit.
We never talked about where our relationship stood for the future, and I let that affect me rather than talking to you.
It was immature, and I am sorry for that. ”
Nick gives my hand a few squeezes and leans over to kiss my head.
“It’s Okay Marcy, I need to apologize too.
I should have been communicating more with you on Saturday.
You have been really open about your trust issues, and I never meant to make you feel anything but safe with me.
I will try harder in the future, if you will let me.
” Our walk has slowed as he guides me to a bench in front of one of the old Victorian style homes that the town is known for.
“The communication on Saturday would have been nice, I don’t like how worried I get so quickly, though.
An area for improvement, for sure.” He smiles at me, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear.
This is so much easier than I was making it in my head.
“What about this scheming you had been doing for a new job though?” I give him a teasing look and a decent elbow to the ribs.
He laughs nervously, “Okay, I deserve that. I wanted to tell you about the COO job of course, but I was afraid to tell you I had applied, in case Keith wasn’t interested in me.
I knew that taking a job in town would force some conversations between us that I didn’t want to scare you with.
I was caught off guard by how quickly Keith wanted to move things along once I expressed interest, and I didn’t manage that well at all.
“I didn’t love finding out in the middle of a work meeting. You should have told me.”
“I know, but I wanted you to have an opportunity to react without having to be around me right away. I was afraid you wouldn’t acknowledge your genuine feelings about me staying if you were staring at me while you got the news.
We have a strong connection Marcy, stronger than anything I have ever felt, and I couldn’t risk you acting happy because you thought that’s what I wanted to see.
This thing between us feels so big, so important to me.
I want to make sure you are genuinely feeling the same, not coerced by my decisions. ”
Silence hangs between us while I process what he has said. He keeps his arm around me, and I lay my head on his shoulder. “I guess I can see what you mean. Transparency?”
“Always.”
“Next time, I would prefer hearing major news from you. I know I have acted skittish, but it’s because you are important to me too. We are both trying too hard not to hurt the other, rather than being honest. We need to fix that.”
“I’m hearing two things.” He says, looking at me with a bit of a mischievous grin. “We both need to keep working on building trust and communication, and that there will be a next time”
I take a deep breath, “Yes, I would like there to be a next time.” Now his smile is reaching his ears again, and my stomach is doing flips.
“Marcy, let’s talk about our relationship, if you are up for it.” His tone is that cocky voice he uses at work sometimes. Also, in the bedroom.
“I’m up for it.” I’m still a little nervous but his huge smile of the last two minutes tells me that it’s not necessary. “Want me to go first?” I ask.
“I always like when you go first.” Now he’s really got an impressed look on his face. I give him an eye roll but am admittedly blushing.
“Yes…well…anyway.” Ugh, I’m flustered now.
“I want to keep seeing you, and I want to be planning a future with you. You have said from our first date that you wanted to only be with me, and I hope that you still feel that way. I understand if you need more time to think…” He cuts me off by planting a deep and responsive kiss on my lips, delicately rubbing my back under my coat. My blood instantly heats.
“No, I don’t need time to think about it Marcy. Let me very clear, I haven’t gone two minutes without thinking about you since the moment I watched you flail about on the floor in the conference room on my first day at North River.”
“Hey! That wasn’t…”