Chapter 21
GRANT
A few days after my date with Kendall, we’re in the clinic together. I only have two weeks left on this rotation, and I’m savoring the days I get to see her.
What am I going to do if she decides she doesn’t want to continue this?
An image of myself a few weeks from now flashes through my mind, a hypothetical where I’m nursing emotional bruises in various stages of healing and putting myself back together, hoping I can eventually forget about her.
A dart of anxiety pierces me. Despite how she seemed on our date, if she makes good on her promise to go our separate ways, this is going to hurt.
I pass her in the hallway, and, after glancing around to make sure no one is watching, I let my fingertips trail over her waist. She gives me a wicked little smile that lights me up inside.
Dr. Fields catches me after lunch. “It seems you’ve resolved whatever issues you had with Kendall.” He clears his throat. “I’m glad for that.”
Thankfully, Dr. Planck hasn’t told Dr. Fields about how we’re “getting along.”
“It was a misunderstanding,” I say, though that’s not really the truth. I’m not about to tell the attending physician about my history, though. “We’re fine now.”
I wish I had more time to spend with her.
We can’t really talk at the clinic, and I spend so much time working right now that my hours outside of my job are limited.
I sit next to her near the end of the day when we’re both documenting in our shared office.
I need to work on my administrative stuff or I’m going to be here forever, but I can’t pass up a chance to be in her presence.
The room we’re in is closed off from the rest of the clinic, and no one else is using it right now. I shift toward her. The wheels of my office chair squeak in the silence. “How’s your brother?”
She grimaces a little, then tries to cover it with a more stoic expression.
“He’s okay.” She looks at me, and her hazel eyes flash with hurt.
She squeezes the mouse she’s using. “He reminded me of that time you stole my clothes, and I had to go home in the cold with shorts on. I tried to defend you by saying you gave them back, but I don’t think he bought it. ”
Damn it all. Just when I think I’ve come to terms with how I treated her, I’m reminded of some other awful thing I did. Hot shame clogs my throat. It takes me a second to even register what she’s actually telling me.
“Wait. You told your brother?”
She looks around, likely to make sure we’re really alone. “That we’re having sex? Not in those terms, obviously. But I mentioned we’re involved.”
“And, uh, how did he take it?” That’s a stupid question. She just told me how he reacted.
“He’s angry at me. Rightfully so, I guess.”
“Yeah.” I swallow. “For what it’s worth, I’m so sorry for that particular incident. I know you didn’t have a lot of clothes to spare. Especially in the winter.”
“Summer was worse, anyway. Our air conditioner never worked very well. The heat and humidity was awful. I remember Mom telling us to lay really still and we would feel better.”
I glance toward the door again, then I cover her hand with my own. “You don’t ever have to live like that again.”
“Yeah?” She gives me a tiny smile. “How are you going to make sure of that?”
I swallow and pull my hand away. “For one thing, you’re going to be a physician.” I lower my voice. “But also, I would give you my own clothes now. I’ll walk out of this clinic in my underwear if you need me to.”
She laughs. The bright sound cuts across the guilt covering me. “God, that is so tempting. Would you actually do that?”
“Without question. I’m sure I would get some looks, but it’s the least I could do.”
“My secondhand embarrassment would be too strong to allow it,” she says. “But I appreciate the offer all the same. You can stick to buying me new clothes if you want.”
“Done.” I angle myself so I’m fully facing her. “You have anything else in mind?”
“No. You want to take me shopping, Pretty Woman style?”
“Sounds like a good time.”
“Well.” She turns back to her computer. Her soft lips purse. God, she’s so beautiful. “I don’t think I need any other material stuff from you. Or apologies, for that matter. Your debt is paid.”
I swear my heart stops for a minute. “Wait, what? That’s it? Does that mean what I think it does?”
“It just means I’m leaving the past alone for now. Forgive, but don’t forget. All that. I’m not saying I’m going to fall in love with you now or anything like that.”
There’s been an ember of hope burning in my chest, but her words snuff it out again. She’s forgiving me, maybe, but that doesn’t mean she’ll give me a real chance. Still, this feels like a step in the right direction.
“I’ll take it.” I lean in so that I’m next to her ear. “Can I see you this weekend? Please? I’m not on call.”
“You free Sunday night?”
“Hell yeah.”
I’m close to her now, and I startle when George speaks up behind me.
“Sorry to interrupt,” he says.
Kendall’s eyes widen next to me. I turn to look at George, who inspects us with a grin on his face. His ruddy face fills with glee. Shit.
“No worries,” Kendall says. Her skin is a little pale, but she’s otherwise composed. “We were just talking about shopping. Grant here wants to wear cowboy boots and chaps in the OR, and I was trying to talk him out of it.”
I laugh despite the pounding of my heart. “I was thinking a hat too,” I say. “Just go all in.”
“Sure,” George says. His eyes ping back and forth between us. “I’m just documenting. Don’t mind me.”
I look at Kendall, whose color has returned somewhat. “It’s okay,” I mouth at her.
She shakes her head.
How can I reassure her? I’ll think of something. I’m not going to let that weasel derail us.
I knock on Kendall’s door, then stuff my hands in my pockets. It’s almost dark by the time I make it over to her apartment. I’ve got to be up in ten hours for our first surgical case, but I’m accustomed to the sleep deficit.
The cool autumn air blows across the back of my neck. When she opens the door, my eyes snag on her skimpy blue pajamas, but a shot of alarm pierces me when I see her face. She’s got a pale cast and shadows under her eyes. Her frown pulls at her cheeks.
“What’s wrong?” I step inside, desperate to remedy whatever’s hurting her.
“You can come on in and sit down,” she says. “You probably don’t want the whole story.”
I follow her into her living room. I’ve been here before, but I’m struck again by her place: She’s got a penchant for immaculate cleanliness, and pieces of pink, gold, and white decor brighten the room.
Fresh flowers perch on her kitchen counter.
I make a mental note that she likes them, that I could bring her some.
She sits on her couch. I note the heating pad on the floor, and the bottle of ibuprofen on her end table. I’m not as smart as I thought I was, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what the problem is.
“Ah. Monthly troubles?”
She wrinkles her nose. “I don’t know why I feel weird talking about this with you.
I’m not shy.” She looks away, then back at me again.
“But it’s really awful right now. I don’t know if it’s the thyroid stuff or if this is just me, but I’m in a lot of pain.
I’m almost nauseous with it. Like, maybe I have some kind of bug or something. ”
“Don’t feel weird. I’m a physician. I can handle this kind of talk.” I tug her closer to me and snake my arm around her shoulders. “I thought you had an IUD?”
“Copper. So I still get the period.”
“What can I do?”
She settles against me, and my heart skips.
“You don’t have to do anything,” she says. “You don’t even have to stay if you don’t want. I’m not going to be much good for anything.”
“Kendall.” I lean forward so I can turn and look at her. “What in the hell are you talking about? This isn’t transactional.”
“Sorry. I’m not used to being this incapacitated.”
“What can I do?”
She waves me off, but I pull my arm out and tilt her face to mine.
“I’m dead serious,” I say. “What would make you feel better? Or do you have laundry you need to do or anything? What would help you the most?”
“You can just sit with me if you don’t mind.
” She leans back so that her head hits the pillow, and I pull her feet into my lap.
“We can watch something. No one’s ever really done this for me before.
” Her voice cracks, and she claps a hand over her mouth like she wants to stuff the vulnerability back in.
“No one ever took care of you when you were sick?” I use my thumb to put a little pressure on the arch of her foot, and she sinks further into her pillows.
“Mmm, that’s amazing.” She closes her eyes. “But no, not really. My mom worked a lot. Then after Blaine’s spinal cord injury, we were both helping him get back on his feet for a while.” She giggles. “He would think my phrasing there was hysterical.”
She’s softer like this with me, more open.
I pinch the hem of her pajama top with my fingers. “What about abdominal massage? Would that help?”
She shrugs. “Maybe. You can try.” She scoots down so that her legs drape over me fully, then lifts her shirt up to the edge of her bra.
I smile at her. “I like how free you are with your body.” I take the heel of my hand and put some pressure on her stomach, making little circular motions as I do. Kendall winces at first, then settles.
“I think this might work, actually. Thank you.” She cracks one eye open.
“And my body is just my body. I’ve been fat and thin and in between.
I’m pretty neutral about it now. I try to appreciate what it does for me despite some of the problems it’s caused me.
” She moans a little, and I squirm, trying not to get turned on.
“Your hands are amazing,” she says.
“Yeah? Is there anything else you like about me?”
“You want a real answer? Not me telling you I like how big your dick is something like that?”
I laugh. “I won’t object to that. But I would rather have something real.”