Chapter 9
JACKIE
“Stephy, I’m home!” I called out to her as I entered our apartment.
I used to just think of it as her apartment and that I was a guest, but it’s become home.
Mostly because my younger sister is truly my best friend.
I hauled my luggage through the living area and to my bedroom, feeling sluggish from traveling halfway across the country.
Flying wasn’t my favorite way to travel, but it was the quickest. Train rides were a cool experience when you could find one with a good scenic route.
“Hey, sissy!” Steph walked in and pulled her headphones down to her neck.
“Sorry, I was listening to this new podcast I found on natural remedies that had an episode focusing on migraines.” She leaned down to where I was sitting on the edge of my bed and embraced me so hard I thought I was going to fall over.
“I was only gone for four days,” I pushed her clingy ass off me and laughed.
I loved her hugs though. They were cathartic.
I wasn’t typically big on physical affection from just anyone.
I had to be comfortable with them in my space, like family or close friends.
Dr. Potter, my long-time therapist, and I were still working on the why of all that.
Speaking of Dr. Potter, I needed to make an appointment with her.
After this cruise and all that happened, I had a lot to process.
Specifically, anything related to Sarah, and the fact that I was completely comfortable with physical touch and affection from her like it was nothing, especially after fifteen years of not being in contact with each other.
My mind was confused. Was it the familiarity in our history or was it something deeper than that?
I opened my phone and found my telehealth app that I used for my therapy sessions.
Clicking on Dr. Potter in my saved providers list, I searched her availability and found she had an open slot for the next day at nine a.m. Someone must have canceled on her, because her schedule usually filled up quickly.
I booked the time for session and clicked “confirm.” Adding it to my personal calendar, I sat my phone aside and let my mind wander for a minute.
Suddenly, I felt Steph playfully push me sideways.
“You are in your own little world J. What’s going on?”
“I’m just tired, and I realized I needed to book a session with Dr. Potter.”
“Is everything okay?” She suddenly had this deep frown on her face. She might be the younger sister, but she always acted like she was the eldest of us.
“Yeah, yeah, sure. It’s just been a while.” I hoped like hell she couldn’t see through my lie. I mean, technically I wasn’t lying, but that also wasn’t really the reason I wasn’t prepared to discuss the warring thoughts in my head with Steph yet. Not until I figured them out for myself.
“While you’re in here, how about you help me unpack and put all my stuff away.” I was being cheeky, but I knew she’d help me if I really needed it.
Steph scrunched up her nose and gave me a look that said, “hell no”, and just walked off, but not before sticking her tongue out at me. I cackled at her departure from my room back to hers across the hall.
I sat down on the sage green plush rug that lay over the hardwood of my bedroom.
Rolling my suitcase toward me, I unzipped and got to work separating out my clothes, shoes, and toiletry items. I located my kit with all my diabetic equipment and placed it on my bed.
Everything else would get washed (the clothes), organized in my closet (shoes), or rinsed out and stowed away in the linen closet (travel toiletry bottles).
I was organized to a fault, but it was one of the ways I managed my anxiety. Order helped keep me calm and grounded.
Once I finished that daunting task, I set about checking my blood sugar.
It was in normal range, but I knew I would need to eat something soon to keep it from dropping.
I discarded the used items and put my kit on my desk sitting in the corner of my room.
The beauty of working for myself meant I could put off things until I returned from my vacation, but the curse of working for myself meant putting those things off would leave them waiting for me upon return.
A double-edged sword. With Sunday coming tomorrow, I’d take the day to do laundry from my trip and recharge my batteries before getting back to work.
I needed to check and see if any project requests had come through from the inquiry page on my site and do touch ups on a few that needed some minor tweaking.
My mind wandered to the unanswered text to Sarah that I’d sent earlier.
I didn’t know how to take the fact that she’d left me on read.
It was frustrating, but I understood at the same time.
How did we go from reuniting after fifteen years of no contact to getting tipsy and her kisses turning me on more than anything ever had?
We were both probably in this confused limbo.
She was so confident and firm in who she was.
I didn’t exactly lack the same confidence, but I was still working through the trauma of my marriage to the only person I’d ever been with in any way, and he didn’t even fulfill all my needs, physically or otherwise.
I shut my bedroom door, because once I thought about how inadequate my ex was, I began to wonder if being with Sarah, or any woman for that matter, would be more satisfying.
I went to my nightstand and retrieved my trusty vibrator out of its black, velvet drawstring bag.
It had so many different settings, but let’s be honest, only two or three ever got used.
I could feel the wetness of arousal already forming in my panties if just thinking about that kiss did this, I couldn’t even begin to imagine what more could elicit.
I stripped out of my clothes and lay in bed.
I liked to get fully naked during my self-love sessions, as my therapist calls them.
It helped me set the mood. I switched my vibe to my favorite setting, an intense sporadic buzz.
I started at my collarbone and moved it slowly down my body, tracing each nipple until they peaked with need.
My breath quickened the lower I got. I was so fucking horny I couldn’t stand it.
Sarah’s soft lips. Her soft body. The way she took charge without being too domineering.
Then the way she straddled me. That was so fucking hot.
I could feel her heat nearly lined up perfectly with mine.
I’d considered rocking up into her just to feel the slightest bit of friction.
I’d watched some porn before, so I had some ideas on how the logistics of sex between women worked.
By the time I made it down to my clit, I was so wet that it was dripping out of me.
I started squeezing my nipples with my free hand and brought the vibrating tip to the swollen bundle of nerves then let that off-and-on buzz bring me to a climax like I’d never experienced before.
It didn’t take long, either. I came so hard I thought I was going to black out.
My heart was racing, and I felt a little lightheaded.
I quickly flicked off the toy and dropped it to the floor.
I slowly ran my fingers across my clit, but it was so sensitive I got the chills from just a ghost of a touch.
Taking time to come down from the high of my orgasm, I shut my eyes and thought about her beautiful smile and that wild sunshine of a personality.
One thing I needed to figure out was if I was afraid of these feelings because they were new and foreign, or if it was because of a general fear of getting into a new relationship of any kind.
I’d been divorced for about a year now, but Timothy and I had been together for a long-ass time and were high school sweethearts.
Just the thought of getting out there again was terrifying as hell.
I hadn’t been single in over fifteen years.
How did people date these days? I’d never tried the apps, but they seemed like the easiest way for someone like me who didn’t get out much to meet people.
But then I remembered Sarah’s promise to lure me out of my comfort zone with new life experiences. Was that still happening?
After gathering my bearings, I got out of bed, picked up the toy, and padded over to my bathroom to clean myself up and sanitize my toy.
Looking in the mirror, my short, dark hair was a mess, and my eyes had an almost feral look to them.
Once my vibrator was neatly tucked back in its place, I dressed in some clean panties and a tank top, then completed my nightly routine.
I was looking forward to therapy tomorrow. Dr. Potter would be getting an earful.
“Good morning, Jackie. How was your vacation?” Dr. Potter started our session deep in it.
“Well, I have a lot to talk to you about in that department, but I don’t know where to start.” Opening up to my therapist wasn’t difficult, but I needed to organize my thoughts to efficiently use my time.
“What do I always say? Start with the most difficult thing and the easier stuff will follow suit.” Her method was usually right. When you got the hard stuff out the way, the rest was a piece of cake.
“I don’t think I’m straight. I’m not sure, but something big happened while I was out on the cruise that’s causing me to question my sexuality. Thirty-one feels pretty late to realize something like this, though.”
“First, let me clarify there’s no timeline on sexuality and how it evolves.
Many people don’t realize something’s changed until they’re much older than you.
So why don’t you tell me what happened and verbalizing it might help you find some answers.
” Dr. Potter was so patient and always gave me space and grace.
Those were things I loved about her. I proceeded to tell her as much as I could in the time we had for our session to give her the most information I could so she could help me through my confusion, if that was even possible.
I even mentioned getting myself off to the memory of being with Sarah, brief as it was.
“Jackie, it sounds to me like you value the opportunity to rekindle a friendship with Sarah, especially with the plan you thought up about asking her to break through your shyness. But it also sounds like there’s some fear underneath it about that kiss and what it may mean for that friendship.
Think about this for a moment. You and your ex got together so young that you never had a chance to explore other options.
Other people, whatever their pronouns. And one of your best qualities is your loyalty to those you love.
You loved your ex; therefore, you were loyal to him.
That being said, you might be something other than straight but be careful in letting that curiosity hinder what could be a beautiful friendship with Sarah.
Think about what we’ve talked about before.
If it helps, journal about these feelings.
That may help you sort them out further.
And give Sarah some time to reach back out.
She might be struggling with this just like you. ”
“Thanks doc. You’ve given me a lot to think about, as usual” I laughed it off, but she really had.
“Well, until next time. Have a good day and remember your coping strategies when things get too overwhelming.” With that, I signed out of the telehealth app and planned to do some journaling after I finished work for the day.
Even though I’d been out, I’d cleared up as much of my work as I could beforehand, so there wasn’t much to catch up on.
I finished up the few cover projects that needed a few minor adjustments and sent them out to the customers.
As I hit send on the last one, my phone dinged with an incoming text message.
Sarah:
Hi Jackie. Thanks for being patient
with me. I apologize it took me so long to
get back to you. Are you free for dinner later?
Hey, it’s no problem. And sure.
Sarah:
Great! I was going to cook, if you’re comfortable
coming here. I figured we could have a quiet night in
and talk about a few things. Say, around 630ish?
Yeah, that’s fine. Just send me
your address and I’ll be there.
Need me to bring anything?
Sarah:
Nope. I got it. Any food allergies?
No
The last message pings with her address and instructions on parking and entry into her building. I went into my maps app and entered the address so I could get a good idea of the area and route.
I finished the rest of my work for the day and, as planned, located my most recent journal and put some thoughts to paper.