Chapter 18
SARAH
The rest of the week was an absolute drag, but I endured.
Unfortunately, my daily yoga and meditation sessions did nothing to loosen the sharp ache in my solar plexus.
As a medical professional, I knew there was no panacea I could take that would ease this pain.
Nothing but time and the love of my found family.
Another weekend came and went with my head buried in books. Kora warned me that running off into the fictional worlds wasn’t the solution but fuck if I didn’t need the distraction. I avoided any kind of romance, because my HEA was beyond out of reach right now, so why should I read about others’?
Time passed, as it did, though I’d be lying if I said I never looked at my phone wanting to reach out to Jackie and offer some kind of olive branch or hope she would do the same.
For a decade and a half, this woman existed in my mind and heart, and now it was all fucked up because of misunderstanding.
Shit, were we stuck in the damn miscommunication trope? The fucking worst.
Recalling the virtual interview I’d attended for the nurse practitioner position in Houston, I had a lot to consider.
I was offered a contract and a moving stipend, which was generous.
I requested time to think on it, and they agreed but gave me a firm deadline of two weeks, which was quickly approaching.
I hadn’t even looked for a place or started packing anything.
That’s how ambivalent I was about something I thought I’d wanted so badly.
It was obvious that whatever existed in the space between Jackie and me differed from what I’d perceived. I felt like I’d been led on.
Making a final decision, I dialed. I spoke to the person who held my future in their hands and accepted what they had to give. My life was about to be forever altered.
The four of us exited my Honda and met Jesse’s older brothers at the back of the U-Haul.
Jesse gave me a mischievous grin, and I knew what was coming.
Sadly, a U-Haul Lesbian moment, this was not, but I tried my best to return the smile and comedic energy.
Sadness shouldn’t even be on my radar right now.
I was embarking on a wonderful job opportunity in a new and vibrant city.
Nerves bundled in my stomach at striking out on my own in a city where I would essentially be alone.
I’d be leaving my people back in Dallas and making a new life for myself.
I should be alight with excitement, but I knew deep down this was just my way of coping with my broken heart and despair.
I heaved a tremendous sigh to clear my head and looked at my group in front of me. The four of us had been there for each other for myriad of things, and I knew helping me move four hours away was monumental, so I wouldn’t take their kindness or their labor for granted.
I’d sublet my place back in Dallas in the event this job didn’t work out the way I hoped. My emotions were a mixed bag on that right now though.
“Well, bestie, this is it.” Jesse engulfed me in their embrace, and we all got to work unloading my belongings and transporting them into the townhouse I now rented that wasn’t too far from where I’d be working during this contract term.
While the space filled up, Kora pulled me into the kitchen for a brief talk.
“Sarah, girl, how have you been coping?” She’d put her therapist hat on, and, at that moment, I was grateful. I’d been uncharacteristically quiet in group chats and focused on work and the move for days now.
I exhaled slowly and gave her just a small smile to let her know I was mostly okay.
“I won’t lie; it’s been tough. With the situationship between Jackie and me coming to a halt and then the job stuff hitting me all at once, it’s been a lot.
But I’ve been managing as best as I can.
I find ways to distract my mind, but I know that’s not healthy.
” Another rough breath left my body, and Kora gave me a stern but sympathetic look.
Jesse approached and threw their arm around Kora’s shoulders with a curious tilt of their head. “What’s up, Sarah? You good?”
“I was just checking in on her, babe.” Kora angled her head to her left and kissed the back of Jesse’s hand.
“But yeah, to answer your question, I’m good. For now. If that changes, I’ll speak up.”
Just then, Jesse’s phone pinged with an incoming notification.
They checked the screen, and a flash of annoyance showed through.
“Y’all, I love being an architect, but I’m starting to really hate the firm I work for.
” I quirked an eyebrow at them, knowing how it felt to be irritated with the politics of a job you loved.
“And that’s how I ended up here.” I spread my arms out wide and showed off my new residence.
“It’s not that, exactly. My supervisor knows I’m off and why, and yet she still chose to bombard my work email with requests.” Rubbing the crease that had formed between their eyebrows, they silenced their phone and slid it back in their back pocket.
Kora cupped their cheeks and gave them a quick kiss on the lips. I turned my head away from their PDA, feeling sheepish for the first time ever in front of them.
“Let’s forget about work for the next couple of days. Out of sight, out of mind, honey.” At that sentiment, Jesse shook their head and with that, Gigi joined us for a group hug. She was our missing piece and showed her face at the perfect time.
“Ok, so once we finish unloading and unpacking, dinner and drinks are on me.” I clapped with finality after pulling out the embrace and put on one of my signature smiles.
“Fuck yeah, they are!” Gigi exclaimed, and we all fell into a fit of giggles. She and I were the best at lightening shadowy moods among our group.
That night, I struggled to fall asleep. Reasons being: I was in a new place, and I still missed the fuck out of Jackie.
I still wanted her with me right here, celebrating my new journey.
I sat up in my bed and went downstairs for a glass of water.
Jesse and Sakora were in the guest room on an air mattress, and Gigi was on the couch.
I stood in the kitchen at the refrigerator sipping from my glass when Jesse came up beside me.
They started the hell out of me, but I was able to contain it.
“J, you scared the hell out of me!” I whisper-yelled at them.
“My bad, bestie.” They rubbed my back to calm me and motioned me to sit at the dining table.
Jesse got themselves a glass of water and joined me. “Couldn’t sleep?”
“Oh, you know, just trying to adjust to the new place.” Skepticism showed in the shadows of their facial expression, and I rolled my eyes. Jesse always called me out on my bullshit.
“I still miss Jackie, and I’m also still tragically in love with her noncommittal ass. Are you happy now?” The hurt I spewed wasn’t directed at Jesse, but more the situation.
“I’m not happy if you’re not happy. You tend to hide behind this veil of happiness and joy unless you’re pushed to the brink, but you know you don’t have to hide from us.” With that, the tension in my shoulders deflated.
“I know, I just hate being needy for emotional support, especially when it takes emotional labor to provide that support.” I sometimes had to remind myself that I was the only white person in our friend group, so I tried not to need too much from them, especially with the amount of privilege I still held outside of my queerness.
“I love and appreciate you but fuck that. You’ve provided just as much to us, and nobody is even keeping score. We are family.” They tugged on my wild, lopsided ponytail and we both quietly laughed. I began to feel lighter.
“Anway, it’s okay and normal to still miss her. Your optimistic ass saw Jackie as an opportunity to take hold of something you’d yearned for since high school. It didn’t work out. That happens sometimes.” They shrugged, and in the darkness of my dining room, I decided to let her go. Just like that.