Chapter 19
JACKIE
For days I’d been working on how I was going to get Sarah back in my life. It had to be some kind of grand gesture, because she read books and had expectations. She also deserved something romantic and creative. That wasn’t my forte, but I’d make the effort.
I’d pulled some strings and called in a few favors with colleagues within the book space who were able to assist with my project. I could only hope that it persuaded her to take me back and give me another chance.
While trying to find the right wording for my grovel, a knock came from outside my bedroom door. “Sis, can I come in?”
“Of course,” I called back. I closed my journal and shut my laptop, waiting for Steph to enter.
She went straight to sit on my bed and patted the mattress next to her, coaxing me to come and chat. I knew I’d been neglecting her. She was my best friend and sister after all.
“Talk to me. Catch me up. Mom and Dad said it wasn’t their place to give me your news, and I’m a little hurt they knew before me.” She gazed off toward my closet door, and I could see our reflection in the mirror hanging on it. We passed for twins all the time, but I had four years on her.
Running my hand through my short, wavy hair, I prepared to lay it out all for her. I hadn’t come out to Steph yet, mostly because I knew she wouldn’t care either way. Our family really did love unconditionally.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t hiding it from you.
I’ve had a lot to process lately. And that’s no excuse, just my explanation.
I suppose the main thing is that I realized I’m bisexual.
” I lifted my left shoulder in a half shrug and waited for her reaction.
That reaction turned out to be a mischievous grin that said all she wanted was the juicy details behind that revelation.
“Thank you for that apology, sis, but it’s unnecessary.
I don’t care who you love as long as that person is good to you and for you.
But… I am curious what—and who—brought you to that conclusion.
” She took my hand in hers for comfort and support.
This was why she was my best friend and not just my sister.
“It’s been ages, but do you remember Sarah? The woman I’ve been hanging out with?”
“I do,” was all she said, which had me cautious to tell the rest of my story, but I knew she wouldn’t judge me.
“Well, as luck would have it, we sort of ran into each other on the cruise. She and I hadn’t really seen or spoken in a long ass time, which I take full responsibility for, but yeah.” And before I could go on, she intervened.
“Don’t put that on yourself. Your ex was a shit person and manipulated the fuck out of you. Enough about him. Do go on.” And she squeezed the hand she was holding and smiled at me in encouragement.
“Right. Okay. So, initially I was nervous about talking to her, because as we just established, I held onto a lot of guilt about our estrangement. It was such a chance happening, too. I was just getting settled into my room and heard some commotion out in the hallway. I was going to mind my business, but the voice sounded too familiar, and that piqued my interest. I opened my door to check what was going on, and the person had stumbled. Broken suitcase handle, torn shoe strap. It was a whole thing.” I waved off the rest of that part to shorten the story some.
“We were both there solo and made the decision to try to be friends again. I enlisted her help in my mission to become more outgoing, or at least get out more and experience things. She happily accepted. One evening, things escalated when we got back from doing all the things.” I paused, feeling a little nervous about revealing the more intimate details of this thing with Sarah, whatever it’d turned out to be.
“What happened?”
Pulling my hand away from hers, I reverted to one of my nervous habits and began wringing my hands in front of me.
“We may have, sort of, kind of kissed.” I shut one eye and peeked out at her from the other and patiently waited for her response.
Her eyes widened to saucers, and she giggled with glee.
“Okay, and how was it? Tell meeee!”
“It was like I’d never kissed anyone before. It felt magical and safe, and there were fireworks. We almost went further, but then I had a hypoglycemic episode.” My shoulders slumped in disappointment.
“And what did she do?”
“Steph, this woman took care of me like nobody ever has.” Tears started forming, because even though people who are chronically ill may not always want or need help, if someone jumps in to do so without hesitation or forethought, it’s something.
“It may have seemed like something small, but when you have a chronic illness and someone helps you instead of running off or just freezing in the moment, it means the world.” My sister pulled me into one of those hugs I liked and just held me while I sniffled against her shoulder.
“But I had to go and mess it all up. Again.” At hearing those words, she pulled back and gave me a reprimanding look.
“I doubt that but go on.” Then I proceeded to spill it all, minus all the details behind every orgasm, because best friend or not, that’s between Sarah and me, and Steph was still my sister.
“So, what I’m hearing is that you got your back blown out by an amazing woman, and you got nervous when she wanted something real beyond just the sex.” She quirked an eyebrow at me, and a blush overwhelmed me.
“That… about sums it up. Yes.” I anxiously rubbed my sweaty palms up and down my denim-clad thighs.
“Last question.”
I nodded, signaling her to spit it out.
“How do you feel about Sarah?”
“Fuck, Steph. I’m so in love with her. The way my thoughts are consumed with her daily are nothing compared to my ex.
It’s been so much to process, because of the newness of it all, but I love her to the moon and back.
I want what she wants, but I don’t know if she still wants what she wanted before.
” Not knowing if that part even made sense, I just huffed out a sigh and stood up.
I made my way to the kitchen for a bottle of water to help calm my anxiety a little before it escalated.
“Well, I for one, am happy for you, sissy!” Steph bellowed from my bedroom. A small smile formed, but I’d be even happier if Sarah and I could work things out. Hopefully my plan succeeds in repairing the mess I’ve made.
In order to execute my plan, I’d need some assistance, but I knew Sarah wouldn’t take my calls or texts, and who could blame her.
So, I made the questionable decision to reach out to Jesse.
If anyone could help, it was her best friend.
The question was: would they? I scrolled through the contacts on my phone, and when their name came up, I paused.
Certain they knew about our “break up” and the circumstances surrounding it, I was surprised when they actually picked up my call.
“Jackie, how can I help you?” Jesse’s tone was cold and sharp as a snowy wind. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.
I attempted to fill my words with an apology.
“Hey, Jesse. I know you and the others probably hate me, and I wouldn’t blame you.
I know I hurt Sarah, but I want to make it right.
I was hoping against hope that I could beg for your assistance.
” Silence engulfed the conversation. Wanting to give them space to consider my request, I kept quiet. Moments later, a sigh came through.
“Jackie, you know she left, right?”
“Left? What do you mean she left?” Confusion spiked my heart rate.
“She got a job offer in Houston and jumped at the opportunity to work in a less toxic environment.” The blood in my veins froze with panic.
She was gone. Just like that. Damn, I really did kill what could’ve been.
This woman was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and because of my fear of the unknown, I messed up that good thing.
“Houston. Okay. That’s not that far. I can make that work.” My career afforded me the ability to work from anywhere. I could move if it came down to that.
“Make what work, Jackie? You eviscerated her heart. Look, it’s not my place to say, but Sarah has been in love with you for a long-ass time, and when it turned out you weren’t as straight as she thought, hope sprang that you two could have a real chance at something.
” Guilt was all I felt at that moment. I couldn’t even picture the possibility of reconciliation.
Rubbing my forehead in frustration—at myself, not them—I decided to go for broke. “She doesn’t owe me anything, and neither do y’all, but I love her. I’m in love with her. I want to fix this, and I have a plan. Will you help me?” I was begging and pleading.
“I’m listening, but this better be good. I like you for her, but if you hurt her again, that’s it.”
From there, I was flooded with relief and spilled my guts to Jesse about how I wanted to win Sarah back.
“That’s… actually kind of romantic. Tell me how I can contribute, and I’ll do what I can.”
“For starters, can I get her new address?” I crossed my fingers in anticipation. Jesse rattled off the location of Sarah’s new abode, and I haphazardly scribbled it onto a sticky note I’d snatched up from my desk. Things were starting to look up.