Chapter 20
SARAH
Two months had passed since my relocation to Houston, and the holiday season had come and gone along with those months.
The job at the community health center was immensely rewarding, and the people I worked with felt like a real family.
I had enjoyed it thus far. Of course, the days still felt long sometimes, but not in the same way it used to when I was working with the family doctors in Dallas.
I came home feeling like I made a difference in the patients’ lives, and that’s what I’d signed up for when I pursued this career initially.
Working in an environment that served people in the community who had higher needs and less resources available to them felt like an important work, and pride consumed me. I had just stripped down to take a shower when my cellphone chimed with an incoming notification.
Normally, I’d just wait to check it, but my instincts told me not to put it off.
I threw on my pink fluffy robe and sat on the edge of my bed, snatching up the device from the nightstand.
Unlocking it with my thumbprint, I swiped the notification bar down and noticed it was an email from my audiobook app.
Someone had gifted me with an exclusive short story that’d just been released.
My hackles rose when I saw the title: “A Letter for Sarah” with a cover photo of a heart stitched up in multiple places.
The author and narrator both just said, “A. Non.” I’m guessing that’s short for anonymous.
Retrieving my headphones from the top of my dresser, I powered them on and waited for the Bluetooth function to connect. I placed them over my ears and claimed the gifted audiobook to download and listen to.
The voice that flowed through my ears when it began to play triggered a visceral emotional response. Jackie. But how? I just waited as patiently as I could manage and listened intently.
First of all, if your name isn’t Sarah Marie McDougal, this isn’t for you. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way.
Hi, Sarah. It’s me, Jackie. But I’m sure you already realized that.
*nervous laugh* I wasn’t sure how to come to you and apologize for how gravely I fucked things up between us.
Let me say how utterly sorry I am. The thought of any commitment, not just to you, had me completely flummoxed.
I dedicated myself to someone for a long time who wasn’t healthy for me in any way, but that’s no excuse for how I reacted to your desire to be together.
I wasn’t fair to you. I met with Dr. Potter and even talked to my parents, essentially coming out I guess, and they all gave me something to think about.
As much as I wanted to run away from whatever was happening between us, the truth is, I can’t anymore.
Scalding tears pooled in my eyes and threatened to spill over. As much as it pained me to hear her voice, I persevered.
Dr. Potter told me I needed to learn how to trust myself more, which was hard for me.
How could I trust myself when my self kept me in an awful marriage for so long?
Then I thought long and hard about every waking—and sleeping—moment I’d had with you, and the truth is, I’ve never smiled more or felt more joy and unbridled energy than when I’m with you.
You have truly lit up my life, Sarah. You are the sun in my sky, and I’m so fucking sorry that I wasn’t honest with myself—and more importantly you—about my feelings.
I’m so in love with you it hurts, but in a way that excites me about the future, if you’ll still have me.
Because Sarah Marie McDougal, you are the love of my fucking life, and there’s nowhere I’d rather be than by your side, filling our free moments with new adventures.
I hope you’ll accept this groveling moment and give me another chance to be a part of your life.
At that last line, I laughed through the wetness now streaming down my face, and the audio clicked off, indicating it was finished.
This woman had left me speechless and somehow, just like that cover photo, stitched the aching organ in my chest back together as deftly as a surgeon.
I wiped my damp face with the sleeve of my robe and sniffled then took a few deep breaths to center myself.
A debate warred within me about who I should reach out to first: her or my friends.
Reconciliation or teatime? That could wait though, because the hot shower was still running, and I needed to wash the day off.
Unfortunately, a knock at the front door further delayed that shower.
I huffed and tied my robe up. Traipsing down the stairs, racking my brain with who could be at my door (which frankly unnerved me), I grabbed my stepstool from the living room closet and dragged it to the door.
I pushed it open and stepped up, peering through the peephole.
What—or should I say who—I saw on the other side of my front door had my eyes wide as saucers and goosebumps covering me from head to toe.
Jackie stood on my front stoop, and as she was about to raise her fist to knock again, I climbed down from the stool and slid it out of the way.
Yanking open the one physical barrier between me and the woman I’d loved for fifteen years, new tears threatened to fall.
“Wh-What are you doing here? How did you know where I lived?” I had a feeling who’d blabbed about my move, but that was a worry for future me.
“I’m sorry to just show up like this. I know it’s rude, but you weren’t taking my calls or texts, which I completely get.
Just please hear me out.” Jackie was wringing her hands with nervousness, and tremors began to shudder through her body with anxiety.
I hated to see her like this, but she’d hurt me.
“Come on in,” I sighed in acquiescence. Stepping aside to allow her entry, I pointed next to a small rack of shoes in the foyer, indicating she needed to remove hers before coming into my space.
Her familiar scent of honey and vanilla overwhelmed me, and I had to hide the shiver of arousal in my body.
It was being traitorous as fuck right now.
I led her into the living area and told her to have a seat.
“I need to put some clothes on. I’ll be right back.
” Rushing up the stairs, I crossed the threshold into my bedroom and went to shut off the shower water.
I walked over to my dresser and searched for something to wear that would make me feel less vulnerable and exposed than just being in my robe.
Settling on a T-shirt and leggings, I headed back downstairs to find Jackie sitting on the sofa with her head in her hands.
I didn’t see any shaking to her shoulders, so I assumed she wasn’t crying but just feeling worried about how her surprise visit would turn out.
In an avoidant move, I changed direction to head to the kitchen. “Want some water?” I asked her flatly.
“Um, sure, thanks.” She hesitated but accepted my offer.
Grabbing two cold bottles of water from the refrigerator, I left the kitchen to finally join her in space and conversation. Admittedly, I was delaying the inevitable, allowing her to squirm in her uncertainty. Petty and immature, I realized, but I also gave zero fucks right now.
“Again, care to tell me what you’re doing here?
” I hoped the tone and inflection in my voice indicated the annoyance at her uninvited drop-in.
Conversely, my insides were screaming to just blindly forgive her and take her back, once again betraying me.
She needed to earn it. The surprise audiobook was a good start, though I wouldn’t admit that just yet.
“And again, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d left Dallas, and I asked Jesse—” I cut Jackie off with a joking mutter to myself that my bestie was now dead to me.
“Keep going,” I encouraged her.
She took a few deep breaths, and I began to feel unwarranted sympathy for her.
I knew this couldn’t be easy for her. I didn’t hate her, quite the contrary, and I didn’t want her to suffer.
With that, I took hold of one of her hands to try to help calm her and felt that spark.
That chemistry we could never deny, but right now I ignored it. That could come later, if I chose.
She shot me a nervous smile and continued.
“I’m sorry that I played with your emotions and was unclear about my own.
I was coming to terms with something that was so new and foreign to me, but I know that’s no excuse.
My mind and heart were a jumbled mess that I had to work through, but I took the time to do it,” She proceeded to reiterate the things she voiced in her letter, and the shake in her voice gave way to a strong confidence.
Jackie took responsibility for what happened, and I appreciated it.
“Not to cut you off hon, but I should tell you I listened to your apology letter already.” Her posture changed, and I saw that surety waning.
“Y-You did?” She stammered.
“I did. And while I accept your apology, I don’t know if we can just go back to the way things were.
Also, there are things I’ve kept from you, more to protect myself than anything else.
First, you should know that when we kissed fifteen years ago in that game of spin the bottle, that’s the moment I really fell in love with you.
I’d already had a crush on you, but when that happened, it solidified my feelings and made me realize I was lesbian.
None of the boys I’d kissed previously elicited anything close to what you did.
B of all, I’ve loved you ever since. I filled my years with the occasional relationship, but they were mostly casual, because I could never get your presence out of the back of my mind.
” I closed my eyes to hold back the overwhelming emotion I was feeling, and because I couldn’t look Jackie in the eye right now.
I hated keeping these facts from her about our past, but it was necessary for my peace.