Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Leyla
Rushing past Jaz, I closed my office door louder than I’d wanted. If these walls weren’t all glass, I probably would’ve just slid down to the ground.
It wasn’t clear what had me unnerved more. The fact that Niko saw past my carefully placed mask and saw the sadness underneath, or the words he’d just spoken.
“Yes, I am definitely found wanting right now.”
He couldn’t possibly be referring to wanting me. There was no way. And what did it say about my current state of mental health that it made my dormant heart flutter to life? Again.
My mind also knew the term meant lacking, not wanting as in desiring, but the leftover dregs of my romantic heart snagged on the double meaning.
Taking a deep breath in through my nose, I tugged on the bottom of my blouse and walked to the sofa at the back of my office, grateful for Luke, who’d put it there years before.
Releasing my breath slowly, I regained my composure. Niko’s description of me from years ago stung. Fierce, strong, joyful. I think he said something about me filling a room with light or brightness. My cynical mind protested.
“Leyla, you’re just too much.”
My stomach twisted at the memory. Vicky had once told me about her struggle with body image and how much easier it had been to believe the lies.
She’d even confessed that she also felt like she was too much at times.
Her husband’s pure, unconditional love had easily erased all of that, and, even more importantly, she shared that God had healed her of it.
The only problem was that I didn’t think my ex’s words were a lie. The brightness that Niko remembered was too much. Ethan was right. I was too much at times. And I wasn’t sure how God felt about me since I had ignored Him for so long.
I leaned my head back on the sofa and closed my eyes.
“I know that she was fierce, strong, joyful.”
The warring words caused my chest to ache. Something deep within me told me Niko’s words were true. Maybe I used to be those things, but that woman no longer existed. Her light had been extinguished. In that moment, I realized how much I grieved the loss of her.
The way back to who I’d been was gone, and the hurtful words from someone I loved and trusted kept me from longing for that version of myself again.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, hoping it wasn’t a catastrophe that required my attention.
Slipping it out, I saw a text from Vicky and Miles in our group chat.
Vicky: Hey, gorgeous. Church on Sunday?
Miles: Yeah, it’s been a while. Would love to see you.
It had been a while. I wasn’t even sure why I’d stopped going, stopped praying. But the longer I’d gone without engaging with my faith, the easier it was to be away from it.
Me: I’ll think about it! Love you both
Between them and my parents, there was always an invitation, a nudge, but none of them were pushy. They always let me know they were there. I wondered if God would be there too if I ever returned. Maybe He thought I was too much, too.
Pushing that thought aside, I went back to work. Back to budget reports, product evaluations, and investor calls. That was where my focus needed to be. It was the only place at the moment where being too much was allowed.
After eating lunch at my desk, Jaz knocked and brought me a bottle of my favorite watermelon kombucha. Her eyes twinkled with mischief, something she wore like a well-fitted suit. She was up to no good.
“Thanks, you’re an angel. Except for that look on your face, which looks the opposite,” I said, using my finger to make a circle. That only made her grin wider.
“Just bringing my boss-friend a drink and I get accused of malicious intent?”
“Pfft. You and I both know what you’re capable of in this office.”
She rolled her dark eyes. “My meddling helped Luke win over Sofia, didn’t it?” Yeah, her meddling only meant one thing, and I was having no part in it.
Memories of forcing them to go on an impromptu dinner date while Jaz and I snuck glances at them from outside the restaurant’s window were priceless.
Sofia confided in me that he fed her that night, mumbled something about Forkgate, but wouldn’t go into details.
I really wasn’t sure if I needed to find out what that was about.
I grinned despite my mood. Then I looked back at Jaz.
My smile melted at the sight of her smug face.
“What’s that face for?”
She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.
Oh boy.
“Jaz. Don’t even think about it,” I warned, my voice growing deeper. It had not escaped my notice that she watched with great interest any interaction between Niko and me in the office.
“What?” she asked innocently. “Can’t a girl have a little fun? You, dear friend, are in serious need of some fun.”
Luke and the girls weren’t the only ones on my case about getting out of the funk I’d been in or ending the two-year man ban. Jaz’s attempts to set me up with men had failed spectacularly.
I leafed through the reports from the sunscreen project. “Don’t need fun. Have no time for fun. I run this company, if you didn’t notice.”
Jaz snorted. “You use your position like a shield. But that time is over.” Standing, she put her hands on her hips, and I knew I was in trouble. Leaning back in my chair, I waited for the onslaught of advice.
“Yes, you are a boss babe, and an amazing one at that. But you’re also a woman, Leyla. A. Woman,” she said, emphasizing the last words. “You have needs and wants.”
I gasped and hurriedly said, “Are you serious right now? Please stop saying needs and wants.” I hoped her words were being translated incorrectly from her native Spanish.
That only made her cackle. “I’m not talking about those needs, girlfriend. Although…”
“Not another word.”
She sighed heavily. “Fine. I know your stance on that subject. But I’m talking about the other needs, chica. Fun, dating, and the company of a handsome man. Maybe a handsome Turkish scientist.”
Alarm bells started clanging in my head, and I knew that if I didn’t stop this quickly, she would have Niko and me locked in a supply closet, feigning ignorance about how it happened.
Don’t ask me how I know this. But then again, Joseph and Sarina in accounting were happily married now for a year.
Moving on.
“I’m warning you, Jaz. Don’t think about my needs, dating, or anything Turkish or otherwise. Do you hear me?” I hissed through clenched teeth, my eyes narrowed just as my office door swung open.
It was like Grand Central Station in here.
“Who has needs? And what about dating a Turkish man?” Luke asked, grinning like a fool.
My head fell back as I groaned. “Don’t you two have anything better to do than harass me? There’s too much work to be done, and I don’t have time for your foolishness. Get out!”
Great. Now my eye was twitching.
Ignoring me, they continued their conversation as if I weren’t becoming a seething, sweaty mess in front of them.
“All I was saying is that she needs to get out. Go dancing, surfing. Something other than work.” All I could do was shake my head. It was pointless now that they’d teamed up. They had serious Jim and Pam vibes when Michael Scott came into the room.
“I agree. And don’t worry, Jazzy Pie,” Luke said, smirking at her disapproval of the new nickname, “Sofia demanded she come to dinner this weekend. No getting out of it.”
“Fine,” I growled. “If I say yes, will you two kindly vacate my office?” I asked, standing and shooing them away with both hands.
“Wouldn’t it be sweet if a certain new department head were also invited? Poor guy is new here,” Jaz said, her full, red lips poked out in a pout.
“He’s lived here since he was six, you maniac,” I countered, still pushing them toward the door.
“I meant new to Earth Organix. That’s what we did when Sofia first got here. He should be invited, too. Don’t you think so, Pukey Lukey?” She gave him an exaggerated wink, referring to an incident last year involving a bad order of sushi.
I couldn’t help but laugh at that one. I turned back to my best friend. “Luke would never do that to me.”
He chose to ignore the nickname, but my heart tripped when I realized he hadn’t agreed.
“Luke?” I called out as they both walked quickly out of my office.
There was no way. No possible way. He’d never do that.
“He did that,” I whispered when Sofia opened the door to her house Saturday evening, and there sat the Turkish wonder boy himself in their living room.
They were so dead.