Chapter 5
Present Day
R achanna stepped out of her house and locked the door behind her. It had been many days since she had taken a walk around her apartment.
She used to do it regularly but had briefly discontinued the practice after running into Anirudh. However, her recent encounter with him had provided her with a new courage. She no longer looked around corridors and corners. She no longer ducked and hid from men who looked like him. She was out in the open just as she was before.
She was no longer scared. Only angry. The anger that burned in her chest was powerful enough to make her courageous. She was no longer afraid of him. And so, she decided to take a walk after so many days, almost hoping to run into Anirudh just for the pleasure of snubbing him.
She walked briskly around the complex. It was nice to be out in the fresh air. She felt so energetic that she wondered why she had ever stopped it. The walk helped her burn off some of her anger too. After half an hour, she was sweating and was about to stop when she ran into Kalpana and Raji.
“Rachanna! Come walk with us!” Kalpana cried out.
Rachanna smiled at them. Although they said they were taking a walk, she knew they were only chatting and ambling along. She knew that they’d be engaging in their favourite pastimes—looking at the others, sizing them up and coming up with wild guesses about what they must have been up to.
Rachanna slowed down and joined them, even though she was reluctant to talk to them. Especially after she saw how they looked at her. They were looking at her not as one looks at a fellow human being. They were looking at her with a hunger in their eyes. A hunger for some gossip.
And then, Rachanna noticed something else in their eyes too. They were looking at her with a bit of hatred. Rachanna was genuinely surprised to see the hatred. They hated her! But why? What had she done to them? Why had they suddenly started to hate her?
“How is life, Rachanna?” Kalpana asked as soon as Rachanna joined them.
“Good. It’s really good.”
“It must be hard for you,” said Raji, looking at her expectantly.
Rachanna looked at her and smiled. “Well…not really. I manage.”
They both looked disappointed. And Rachanna suddenly realised why they hated her. She never gave them juicy bits of gossip. She knew that if she made a real spectacle of herself one day, like crying to them about her sad state of affairs, then they would not hate her so much. Then, she was sure, they’d be very pleased even if they would pretend to be concerned and caring of her.
But Rachanna had too much pride to even whimper to them. She was definitely not going to make a spectacle of herself. Even if one day, she did feel like making a scene, it would definitely not be in front of these two.
“How are you both doing?” She asked, trying to shift the focus on them.
“Well, we just finished our housework and are out for a walk. The housework is breaking our backs. The kids want one thing, and the husband wants another. How many dishes can we make per meal?” Raji said, shaking her head disapprovingly.
Kalpana said wistfully, “Well, Rachanna. You don’t have any husband issues. You must be so very grateful for that.”
The words pierced like a sword in Rachanna’s heart. How beastly they were! They were trying to stir her emotions up. Trying to see if they could get a reaction from her. Rachanna steeled herself and gave them a half smile. They were still looking at her eagerly. How pathetic! Their words and actions were making her skin crawl. Their glinting eyes, their fake, sadistic tone… Rachanna suddenly found it difficult to breathe. Oh God! She had to get away. Fast!
But before Rachanna could excuse herself, Raji said, “I think some of us are just not suited for family life. God only gives us what we can handle. I don’t think you would have been able to handle things like we do, dear. You girls of this generation need a whole set of different things that we do. You are all educated, you all have amazing jobs and careers. I cannot imagine you girls sitting at home, doing housework and making different dishes for each member of the family. We are so jealous of you girls.”
Rachanna did not answer and looked at the ground.
“You should be glad. You can enjoy life like a single woman! What a privilege!” Kalpana exclaimed.
Rachanna did not feel privileged but she kept her silence. When the two women were quiet, she said hurriedly, “I am looking for Asmee… I have to go.”
“She is in the park. What a dear child! You are really lucky!”
“Thank you. Have a nice walk!” Rachanna replied as she turned and walked to the park. She was so riled up that her eyes watered from the anger and indignation she felt. Kalpana and Raji had finally succeeded in what they had intended to do. They had got her emotions worked up. The only satisfaction that Rachanna got was that she did not let them have the satisfaction of seeing her triggered.
She wiped her eyes as she tried to control her emotions on her way to the park. Why was social interaction this hard?
***
Rachanna was on the way to the park when she saw Swarna taking a laboured walk. She was having a hard time putting one leg in front of the other. Even with the help of her cane and her maid’s assistance, she was having great difficulty.
Rachanna was disappointed. Taking a walk around the complex in the evening was proving to be quite difficult. She kept running into someone or the other and was forced to interrupt her walks to stop and talk. She resolved to shift her walk to the mornings where there was no crowd in the complex.
Rachanna generally liked talking to Swarna, but she was not in the mood for a chat that day. And after learning that Swarna was Anirudh’s grandmother, she was even more reluctant to talk to her. But there was no way she could avoid the old woman.
Rachanna wondered if she should just pretend to not have noticed Swarna. She resumed to walk briskly, facing the opposite direction as though something deeply interesting was there in the plants on the sidewalk. But all her attempts to avoid the lady were vain.
“Rachanna! Rachanna!” Swarna called out the moment she saw her.
Rachanna could not ignore her any longer. She groaned inwardly and turned. Pretending to notice her just then, Rachanna beamed at the old lady. “Swarna Aunty! How are you? Out for a walk?”
“Yes. If I don’t walk, my legs don’t get enough blood circulation. They swell up and turn black.”
“Oh my! Did you check with the doctor?” Rachanna asked, genuinely concerned.
“It’s okay. It’s not important. There will be something or the other cropping up with us old people. I wanted to talk to you about something important. Let’s take that seat.”
Swarna managed to walk the few steps to sit on the bench nearby. Rachanna obediently sat beside her. Swarna dismissed her maid with one swift nod. The maid moved away to give them privacy but stayed within sight.
“Rachanna, do you know my grandson has moved here to live with me?”
Rachanna’s heart contracted. So, this was what she wanted to discuss. The one thing she had been dreading. “Yes. In C912.”
“Yes, yes.… Have you met him?”
Rachanna shook her head. “No. No. Not yet. Why?”
She grew worried as she wondered if Anirudh had talked to his grandmother about her.
Swarna sighed. “He moved here to help me. Up until now, his brother was looking after me because he used to stay close by. But now—”
Swarna paused. Rachanna prompted, “His brother moved?”
“He passed away.”
Rachanna was shocked. “Passed away? How?”
“Accident. And Anirudh blames himself for his death.”
“Why? Was…was Anirudh driving?” Rachanna asked. She was saying his name for the first time in front of someone else and she flushed furiously as his name left her lips. She did not know why though.
“No, no. He was not. Akhilesh was alone.”
Rachanna frowned. “Then why?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with them being twins…”
“They were twins?” Rachanna asked, shocked. She did not know Anirudh had a twin.
“Not identical, but yes. And Anirudh has now taken it into his head that he is somehow responsible for me. He moved here just to look after me.”
“What about Anirudh’s parents?”
“They are in London, busy in their own lives. They hardly have time for their son, let alone me.”
“Oh! I…I saw Akhilesh a couple of times when he came to visit you. I cannot believe he is no more…” said Rachanna, thinking about the tall, well-built man. Now that she thought about it, there was a similarity between Anirudh and him. How had she missed that?
“Yeah…it is really sad.”
“I have never seen Anirudh before, though. Did he visit you?” Rachanna asked as she flushed again. Thankfully, Swarna did not notice.
“Rarely. He worked in Mumbai.”
“He left his job to take care of you?” Rachanna asked, shocked.
“No, no. He had just given up his work. He had his own company, but he sold his shares and moved out. He is currently looking for another opportunity. And as he was anyway looking for something new, he moved to Chennai and decided to look for something here.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t get me wrong. I love having him here. Nearby. I enjoy our time together. It’s just that…he is young. He should not be wasting his life taking care of his old grandmother. It can be something he does but it simply cannot be the only thing he does.”
“Is it the only thing he is doing now?”
“I am not sure he is even looking for something. He is holed up in his house. He doesn’t talk to anyone. The only time he steps out of his house is when he comes to visit me. You should look at him! Him and his beard! He is not even interested in trimming it! Or getting a proper haircut. His hair has grown so big. And he is always wearing t-shirts and shorts. He looks like a maniac!”
“Oh!” Rachanna said, mentally agreeing with Swarna. It was no wonder there were all those rumours flying about of him being on drugs and working as a hitman. He looked so away from normalcy. Like a person who was shunned by society and was now taking his revenge by doing everything he could to not fit in.
“He needs friends. He needs someone to talk to who belongs to his own age group. Look, Rachanna… I know you are always busy. But if you can, will you talk to him? It will be of a great help to me.”
“Me?” Rachanna asked, her eyes widening with alarm.
“Yes. You,” repeated Swarna.
“I am sure Bharath or Henry…”
“No, no. I know Anirudh. He will not talk to people like them. He talks only to a certain type of people. People like you…”
“What type of people?” Rachanna asked, unable to contain her curiosity.
“I wish I could define it for you. I certainly cannot list down the characteristics of the people he prefers. But I do know that you are his type.”
“I…I don’t know, Aunty.”
“Just talk to him once. If you don’t like him, you can let it be. I will never fault you for that. But try. Will you try? Please?”
Rachanna bit her lips and looked around helplessly. How was she to get out of this?
“Will you try?” Swarna repeated.
“Yes… I will try…” blurted Rachanna, before considering her words. As soon as she’d said the words, she regretted them.
Shucks! Why couldn’t she just say no? Since when had saying no become so difficult?
Swarna sighed with relief as she patted Rachanna’s hand. “Thank you, dear. I knew I could count on you.”
Rachanna sat still for a few moments, dejected. She thought about Anirudh and a curious sort of numbness started to spread over her. Like she could not feel anything anymore. She sighed. Maybe she did not want to feel anything anymore. Maybe her mind was blocking the feelings to spare her. But the numbness spread, as if beckoning her into a vast, arid desert.
***
Rachanna was unpacking Asmee’s lunch bag to wash up the boxes, while Asmee sat at the dining table, doing her homework.
“Asmee! You have not eaten your bitter gourd,” said Rachanna harshly from the kitchen, as she opened the lunch box. The vegetable was untouched.
“Mom! Don’t give me that vegetable. You know how I hate it.”
“I don’t care if you hate it. It is very good for you.”
“But I don’t like it,” wailed Asmee.
“I cooked it today using a lot of jaggery. You should always keep an open mind and try. If you decide you are not going to like something even before trying it, you will most definitely not like it.”
Asmee scowled. “Can you please make something else tomorrow? Something nice.”
“Like potato?”
Asmee’s eyes brightened. “Yes, potato!”
Rachanna rolled her eyes and shook her head. She proceeded to throw the bitter gourd in the dustbin.
After a minute, Asmee called out, “Do you know why it is called the bitter gourd?”
“No. Why?”
“Because it is the god of bitter. Get it? Bitter god. God of bitter!”
Rachanna laughed in spite of herself. The ideas her daughter had!
“Tomorrow, you will be finishing your lunch, okay?”
“If you give me potato, I don’t see any reason why I won’t. Oh! By the way, tomorrow, we have to submit a couple of school projects.”
Rachanna looked at Asmee in disbelief. “A couple of school projects? On a weekday? Are you kidding me?”
“They are pretty easy. We just have to make a chart on the ‘Author of the month’.”
“Who is the author?”
Asmee screwed up her face and thought for a few minutes. “You know what? I forgot. Can you ask in the moms’ WhatsApp group?”
Rachanna thought for a moment and took a guess. “Is it Sudha Murthy?”
“Yes!” Asmee squealed, surprised. “How did you know?”
“Who else will it be? Sudha Murthy, Enid Blyton or Roald Dahl. As if schools can think beyond these three.”
“Anyway, we have to submit it by tomorrow. We also need to submit a model of a clock. We are going to learn about time.”
Rachanna rolled her eyes. “Okay, then start working. Tell me what you need, and I will get it for you.”
“ I don’t need anything. Because you will be doing it.”
“What? No! I am not doing anything. They are your school projects. You should do it.”
“Mom! Don’t be like that. You know very well that all the other moms will be doing the school projects and the kids will pretend to have done them. That is how we have always done school projects. If I do it, mine will be horrible compared to the other kids.”
“At least yours will be genuine. You would have done it. The only genuine school project done by the student herself. Imagine how quaint and lovely it will be!”
“It will also be pathetic. Have you seen my classmates’ projects? I cannot compete with those!”
Rachanna sighed. “Well, I am not going to do your projects. I will ask that aunty in B802 to do them. I have already spoken to her. She said I can approach her anytime with your school projects.”
Asmee looked at her mother in shock. “Why would that aunty waste her time and life on my school projects?”
“Well…” replied Rachanna, taken aback, “you just asked me to waste my time and life on your projects!”
“You are my mother. You are supposed to waste your time and life for me.”
Rachanna laughed. “You know what? That aunty will not be wasting her time. I will be paying her for it.”
Asmee’s eyes brightened. “Oh! How cool! How nice!”
“You can get all your school projects done from her.”
“How so wonderful! I can finally submit good school projects.”
Rachanna was taken aback. Then, she glared at her daughter. “Oh, come on! My projects were good, too.”
“Mom! Please be realistic. Your projects cannot hold a candle next to Harini’s mom or Ashvitha’s mom.”
Rachanna grudgingly conceded. “Alright! Alright!”
“I am so happy that you talked to that aunty for getting my school projects done. But promise me that you will take a photo of them and put them as your WhatsApp status or something. Just to show to everyone what a wonderful mother you are. You can pretend to have done those for me. I will play along.”
Rachanna narrowed her eyes at Asmee. “Why this love suddenly? Why do you care what others think of me?”
“I don’t, actually. But if you take a picture and people appreciate you, then at least you will remember what my projects look like. I am only scared that you will come to school one day and look at the project that I have submitted and exclaim, ‘Oh! What a beautiful project! Whose is it?’”
Rachanna laughed. “I will never do that.”
“You will. You always keep forgetting things. If that happens, what a horror it will be! What will happen to my reputation at school? Everyone will know I am a fraud. I cannot risk it. Take photos please! Please!”
“Alright! Alright! I also promise to look at the name displayed below the model before asking who made it. Okay, Madam?”
“Hmm… I am going to B802 now. Bye!”
“Bye!” Rachanna said cheerfully as she watched her daughter run out of the house. Then, she laughed. Spending time with Asmee was really fun! Thank God for her!
***
Asmee had hardly gone for a few minutes, when Rachanna’s friend, Bhanu, dropped in.
“Hey, Bhanu!”
Bhanu did not greet her back but looked with a mysterious smile. Rachanna frowned, but then Bhanu greeted her in a sing-song voice before settling down on the sofa. She continued to smile mysteriously.
“What?” Rachanna asked, moving to sit with her.
“I just saw the guy in C912. Anirudh!”
“Oh! So?” Rachanna asked vaguely.
“He is so handsome!” Bhanu stated.
Rachanna was taken aback. Then, she said curtly, “With his uncut hair. And his beard… God! A few more days and he will start resembling a sage.”
“A sexy sage.”
“God! Bhanu!” Rachanna remonstrated.
“What? In spite of all that excess hair, he looks dashing. You have to accept it.”
“I just cannot see it,” replied Rachanna.
“Really? You cannot?” Bhanu asked lyrically. It was clear that she did not believe Rachanna.
Rachanna flushed. “Let it be.”
“I think you should talk to him.”
Rachanna looked at her friend, shocked. “What? Are you crazy?”
“No, at all. I am tired of you being single.”
“ You are tired?”
“Yeah. It is so boring to have a single friend. Get married. We will have more things to talk about.”
“You just said talk to him. In the next breath, you are asking me to get married! Do you see how your mind works? Do you realise just how crazy you are?”
“Not at all. You knew what my ‘talk to him’ meant, didn’t you?” She said in an accusing voice.
“You said he was an idiot! You said he was a sentimental fool, remember?”
“Being sentimental is only bad if you are average looking. The rule does not apply to handsome guys.”
Rachanna looked at her, stunned. “Are you listening to yourself?”
“Come on, I said bad things about him when I did not know what he looked like. Now that I have seen him, I would like to revise my statements please.”
“Just because he is handsome!”
“Aah ha!” Bhanu cried out, pointing her finger at Rachanna. “So, you do agree that he is handsome.”
Rachanna rolled her eyes. “Enough! We are not talking about him.”
“We don’t have to talk about him if you agree to talk to him.”
“Bhanu! Shut up!”
“No, I won’t. You are single. As is he. You both have dated and have been mutually attracted. He still loves you…”
Rachanna shook her head. “No, he does not.”
“Aahha! So only that part was wrong in what I said? The mutual attraction part was true?” Bhanu asked shrewdly. Rachanna opened her mouth in shock. Bhanu continued, “Good. I was not really sure about it.”
Rachanna’s mouth was still open.
Bhanu went on, “So, to reiterate, you guys were mutually attracted. I think it is a good thing to pick up from where you left. At least explore it, okay? There is nothing wrong in that.”
“Excuse me! Have you forgotten about a teeny tiny person called Asmee?”
“She needs a father.”
“God!” Rachanna exclaimed, throwing up her arms. “Do you want me to date him or marry him?”
Bhanu shrugged. “Date him first and then marry him. Or, you can also get married first and then date him. I am not really particular about the order of things.”
Rachanna pointed her finger at Bhanu and spit out the words, “You. Are. Crazy.”
“I don’t know what is crazy about this. This is the most logical thing in the world. You are single. Remember that. Just because your daughter and you pretend that Samay is alive does not mean he is.”
A deadly silence filled the room.
Bhanu said tenderly, “You cannot be single for the rest of your life. You need a companion. Asmee needs a father. And here he is…the perfect guy!”
Rachanna shook her head. “It’s complicated, Bhanu. It is not as simple as that.”
“So what if it is complicated? Which relationship is not complicated? I think one of the synonyms of relationship is complication.” Rachanna was silent again. “Will you promise to at least think about it?”
Rachanna looked her friend and sighed before she nodded. More than agreeing to Bhanu, she just wanted to shut her up. She knew that just being friendly with Anirudh was an improbable task, let alone dating and then marrying him. But, for some unknown reason, Rachanna’s nerves tingled as she thought of marrying him.…
***
Rachanna put her card back in her purse as she managed the two bags of groceries in her hand. Smiling her thanks at the staff who was managing the counter at the grocery store in her complex, she stepped out just as her phone started to ring. She shifted her grocery bags to one hand as she fished for her phone in her handbag. She looked at her phone display and groaned. It was Swarna Aunty.
She knew exactly what the call was about. She was calling to check if Rachanna had talked to Anirudh. Just the thought made Rachanna uneasy. It was impossible for her to do anything she had promised.
In the last couple of weeks, after Swarna had made the request, Rachanna had not even attempted to talk to Anirudh. In fact, she had actively tried to avoid him as much as she could. There was no way she was going to be friendly with him. Unfortunately, it seemed there was no way Swarna Aunty was going to let her forget about her promise.
“Hello Aunty!” Rachanna greeted.
“Rachanna, I saw you entering the grocery store. I have sent Anirudh there. Talk to him!”
“No, no…Aunty!” Rachanna gasped. But it was too late. Swarna had already disconnected the call.
Rachanna turned, wanting to make herself scarce as soon as possible. In her hurry, she did not see where she was going and collided into someone. Someone with an expansive chest and strong arms. Arms that had steadied her just now. As soon as she found her bearing, she looked up. It was Anirudh.
She looked into his eyes. She should not have. Anirudh was looking at her with a strange expression. Rachanna was surprised to see him look at her like that. What was that look? There was nothing of the expected anger. No resentment or irritation either. She was taken aback when she finally realised what it was that was shining in his eyes. It was desire.
Her heart raced as she continued to look into his eyes. What had changed? And that too, so quickly? She wanted to look away. But his eyes had cast a spell on her that she could neither repel nor ignore. And the explicit suggestion of desire in his eyes numbed her. She flushed deeply.
“Heys…” he greeted her. His voice was barely a whisper.
“Hey…” she repeated. She was finally able to tear her eyes away from him. Her eyes automatically went up the building opposite the store. As expected, she could see Swarna in her window. The old woman ducked as soon as Rachanna’s eyes landed on her.
Anirudh followed her gaze. He did not see his grandmother, but he seemed to guess how matters stood. He gave her a small smile, almost a jeer. “Is this why she wanted ghee so very urgently?”
“She…she is worried about you.”
“And, of everybody else, she chose you?”
She shrugged. “Maybe she thought I understood loss better than anyone else,” blurted Rachanna.
There was silence for a few moments. Rachanna was not looking into his eyes anymore. She fumbled with her bags, trying to steady herself, cursing herself inwardly for saying what she had.
“What exactly did she tell you?” He whispered again. The whispers were killing her. Couldn’t he talk normally? It was making her heart race and she was finding it increasingly difficult to appear nonchalant.
She forced herself to look into his eyes. “She told me about your brother.”
“Oh!”
There was silence again as Rachanna shuffled on her feet. Anirudh’s eyes never left her. She looked over his shoulder, wondering if it was too soon to leave and wishing he could look somewhere else.
“You lied to me,” he said gently.
The outright accusation angered Rachanna. “I did not!”
“You told me you were married.”
Rachanna’s eyes looked unwaveringly back into his eyes. “Oh!” She replied as she realised what he was talking about. “So, you’ve heard?”
“Yes.”
“I am perfectly fine. Don’t feel bad for me. I hate pity.”
“Oh, I am not pitying you,” he said, shaking his head slightly.
Rachanna was a bit taken aback. “You…you are not?”
“No.”
His eyes glinted. Rachanna flushed.
“I have to go. Tell Aunty I talked to you.”
“I will,” he said. After a pause, in a low, caressing voice, he murmured, “Come home.” Yet again, it was barely a whisper and felt extremely intimate.
Rachanna’s heart skipped a beat. She blushed. “I don’t think that is appropriate.”
“Why not?”
‘Why not?’ A simple enough question. A question to which Rachanna was unable to come up with an answer just then. A question that seemed to be following her everywhere.
“I have to go,” said Rachanna instead, hastily walking towards her building.
The look of desire in his eyes had imprinted itself in her brain. For the rest of the day, she could think of nothing else.
It kept coming back to her again and again, as a sweet aromatic smell. Each time she thought of it, it triggered a fluttering in her heart. Her mind slipped into dreams that were sweet, heavenly and forbidden. The image of his eyes triggered pleasure, regret and longing in equal measures.
For many days hence, that look was the last thing she thought of at night and the first thing she thought of in the morning.