Chapter 19
nineteen
. . .
Vicky
“Rome? She’s sending you back home? I don’t understand. You’ve done so well here,” Miles stammered. He’d reluctantly let me take a few steps away from him. I was glad for the space because if he pulled me into his arms again, I’d have to walk away from this career-changing opportunity.
When my call with Elena was interrupted and she had to call me back, it felt like a blessing.
Before we hung up the first time, she mentioned something about an opening in her Rome office, and I nearly swerved off the road.
When I hung up with her the second time, once I was back at my loft, I was left stunned.
I sat and prayed about it for a long time and felt God’s peace about my decision to take the job.
I needed His peace because I was still conflicted about leaving San Diego.
And Miles and MJ. But I knew that I needed to trust Him and the path He had me on.
How Miles and MJ fit into His plan, I wasn’t sure.
When I finished praying, I let the excitement of this opportunity take over.
Dancing around, squealing like a little girl, I hurried and called Mama. I added Corinna and Enzo to the video call and laughed at their happy screams of celebration.
“This is everything you’ve been dreaming of, tesoro. You did it. You did it,” Mama said.
“Yeah, she did. She’s a boss babe,” Corinna said with confidence.
Chuckling, I told her, “Ren calls me that, too.”
“Proud of you, little sister. Uff,” Enzo said, unable to hide the pinch to his arm from his wife, who was now scowling at him. “Sorry, sorry. Proud of you, Victoria.”
I rolled my eyes at his attempt to make me, for once, not sound like a child.
“Thanks, Enzo. I’m very excited. I can’t believe it’s happening, though.”
“You just needed someone to see you, daughter. I’m glad your boss recognized what we have all seen in you,” Mama said warmly.
Her words landed like a bomb inside me, affecting me twofold. The person I thought of when she mentioned someone seeing me was Miles, and my heart twisted at the reality of leaving him and MJ. However, it was the second that prompted me to ask my next question.
“What do you mean, Mama? The way you all see me?” I asked as I walked over to the window that faced downtown.
“I’m surprised you have to ask, Vicky. We see you. All the good that is in you. What you’ve allowed God to do in your life. You’ve always had a cuore di compassione. How do you say that in English?” I loved that she’d kept up with her language practice.
I smiled and answered, “A heart of compassion.”
“Si, this. You observe the world around you in a unique way. Have I not let that be obvious, daughter?” she asked, her eyes looking through me.
Did I miss this, God? Miss that the rest of my family actually saw what Papa did?
“Not the way we should have, Mama,” Enzo said. “And that’s on me. Vicky, I know what you had with Papa. Was often jealous of it because he’d never say those things to me, but I was always glad he did with you.” I could see Corinna soften from her earlier irritation and was rubbing his back.
“I’m so sorry I tried to take his place. Tried to put you in a bubble of protection. I wanted to fill that void I knew you needed.”
“Enzo,” I said softly, my heart breaking watching my bulldog brother with tears in his eyes.
“Tell her, my love,” Corinna said, making Enzo take a deep, shaky breath in.
“Vicky, I don’t want to try to do that anymore. Can I…do you think I can just be your big, irritating brother again?” he asked. My head moved up and down rapidly.
“Yes, yes, Enzo. It’s all I’ve ever wanted,” I said in between sobs.
“Then come home, tesoro. You’ve proven your worth to Elena, not that you needed her approval, but I guess she does sign your paychecks,” Mama said with a laugh.
“That is very true. Actually, she’s paying my way back home and has offered me a salary that will allow me to finally move out,” I said, my voice getting lower on the last few words. I could see Enzo’s face flame red, but he said nothing.
“Vicky, you don’t have to do that unless you really want to, you know. I love having you with me,” Mama said lovingly. It was really not unusual for families in our Italian culture to live together well past the norm of American families.
“I think I might like to try, Mama.”
“It’s a wonderful idea. You’ve had a great adventure there in California, my girl. It’s hard to let go of that kind of freedom,” Corinna said, obviously trying to tame her beast of a husband.
“When do you leave?” he asked.
“Two days. There’s a project in Tuscany she wants me to lead. I’d be able to stay with Ren,” I said excitedly. She was my next phone call.
“Then send us your flight information when you have it. We’ll be waiting,” Mama said. A few minutes later, we ended the call.
Just as we were hanging up, I received a text from Miles asking me to come over and talk, so I delayed calling Ren a little longer.
Standing here in his backyard, everything felt very different, and I began to question whether I should leave San Diego. I had fallen in love with the city, and there was so much more I wanted to explore. His pained expression reflected my feelings just by being near him again.
“I was so excited earlier. Couldn’t believe I was being given this opportunity. But now, I’m confused,” I said, wringing my hands.
I saw his pleading and hurt expression change instantly at those words. He shook his head and took my hand again.
“No. No. There’s no confusion. You’ve worked hard for this. It’s been your dream to own your own design firm, and this opportunity will be the catalyst for that. You’re not going to pass this up,” he said firmly.
“But I want it all. I want this opportunity, knowing that I need to grow and discover who I am, what I want. But I also want you.”
“You will have it all one day. For now, you need to go and, yes, find out all that you are meant to be.” His eyes turned stormy and glistened as he spoke. I wanted to be the one who stood by him in the storms. This was an impossible choice.
God, why? Why do I have to choose?
“But what about the things we just said? I’m torn. I’m afraid if I walk out of this house, I’ll never feel what I feel when I’m with you,” I said passionately. Suddenly, the idea of leaving was making me increasingly anxious.
Ren was the only one who knew about my growing feelings for this amazing man. But I’d never even told her that I was falling in love with him. I wasn’t sure myself until this moment.
“There’s something I need to say,” I pleaded, pulling him closer.
“No, there’s nothing more to say,” he whispered, his voice deep and desperate as if he knew exactly what I wanted to say. “Please don’t say anything more. I’m trying so hard to do the right thing here. I can’t, I won’t let you give this up.”
He turned and tried to pull his hand from mine, but I tightened my grip.
“Miles, if you tell me to stay, I’ll stay,” I said breathlessly, searching his eyes.
“Don’t do this, Vicky. My heart is breaking right now,” he said, his voice cracking on the last word. “I can’t.”
We were frozen in that moment, just like so many others over the past few weeks. The sound of music nearby drifted in on the wind, which blew my hair back as we stood like statues, afraid to break this moment.
This was goodbye.
“Alright then,” I said softly. My heart felt like it was being ripped from my body.
He was being brave for me so I had to hold steady.
“But Elena is coming in for the day tomorrow to help me finish up with my other clients and then I leave at five the next morning. I can’t leave without saying goodbye to MJ. ”
He wiped my tears that started to flow again. How was I going to say goodbye to the little girl who had stolen my heart right along with her dad?
“I’ll pick her up early and bring her to the Turkish coffeehouse you said you like by your office. That’s the one with the wishing tree you mentioned, right? Could you meet us there at eight?”
I nodded shakily, having forgotten I’d mentioned the wishing tree. “Yes, that’s perfect. Elena gets in at nine. Finally get to meet her in person. Anyway, thank you so much for letting me see MJ.”
“She’d never forgive me if I didn’t.” He kept looking away and back, hiding his own tears.
I didn’t know what else to say, and I knew that if I stayed longer, it would only get tougher. But there was something I wanted to do before walking out that door—something I’d regret for the rest of my life if I didn’t.
“There’s, um, there’s one last thing I need from you before I go,” I said, blushing just at the thought of what I was about to say.
“Anything. Name it, and I’ll give it to you,” he said, emotions still making his voice huskier than usual. This was breaking both our hearts.
God is this Your will? For me to walk away from the man of my dreams?
Taking a deep, strengthening breath in, I let the words I’d wanted to say escape my mouth.
“I’d like you to kiss me,” I said shyly. I hoped he’d heard me because I didn’t think I could repeat my request.
His eyes widened as he gaped at me. Shutting his jaw quickly, he asked, “You want me to be your first kiss?”
“Yes. Yes, I do.” I could read the warring emotions flitting through him like a slide montage. Confusion, elation, passion.
“But you’re leaving. There’s a good chance we won’t ever see each other again.”
His words pierced me like a sword, and I stumbled backwards putting space between us as he quickly added, “I’m sorry, of course, that’s not what I want.
It’s just. You are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.
You deserve to share your first kiss with someone special.
Someone you might have a future with,” he said, his hands pushing through his hair almost violently.
I was stunned. I never imagined this would happen in any of my dreams of kissing Miles. And that dream had been on repeat for quite some time. He was turning me down. Hot waves of embarrassment burned over my skin as my old insecurities raised their ugly heads.
“Oh, I understand. I just thought.” I had to get out of there before I embarrassed myself more. He’d urged me to take the job in Rome, but I thought offering him something so precious to me would be something special to him. But I’d made him uncomfortable instead.
His eyes scanned mine like he was puzzling out something, his chest rising and falling, his breath heavy.
“I’ll, ah, see you guys in the morning then.” I stepped away in a daze.
“Vicky, you don’t understand,” he said with a tremble in his voice
I stopped walking but didn’t face him. “No, I do. Honestly. I get it. It was silly of me to ask that of you. And it wasn’t fair to either of us since I’m leaving. I shouldn’t have done that,” I said, starting to ramble. “You’re right to not want to be the man I give my first…”
In an instant, Miles was right in front of me, and with a quick motion, I was in his arms as he caught my words with his mouth. I sighed happily as I held onto him.
This kiss, my very first one, was everything I’d ever dreamed of and more.
His steady, firm grip around my waist, his strong lips over mine.
He literally swept me off my feet when I realized my toes were no longer on the ground as he held me to him.
I tasted the saltiness of my tears, probably his as well, as I melted into his arms.
Long before I wanted, the moment was over. He pulled away enough to speak, his voice rough and raw.
“No one gets your first kiss but me, Vicky Lazzara. I was just overwhelmed that you’d given me that honor.”
Swooning. I was swooning right there on that very spot. Luckily, his possessive hold was still in place, or I would’ve face-planted. I collected myself long enough to answer him.
“It was yours, Miles Austin. I believe with everything in me it was always meant to be yours, even if this is goodbye,” I said breathlessly.
This close, I could see the ocean-like waves of green and blue in his eyes. I never wanted to leave. As always, he read my expression. With a quick peck to my lips, he let me down, my feet unfortunately touching the ground again.
“Thank you. I’ll cherish this moment for the rest of my life,” he said, his voice still sounding rough and broken.
Neither of us wanted to leave this moment, but we both knew we had to.
“I’ll walk you out,” he said softly, taking my hand once again. I loved how it fit perfectly when his fingers intertwined with mine.
We walked slowly to my car, neither of us in a hurry.
“Be safe going home. Text me when you get there, or I can follow you this time since I don’t have MJ,” he said. His voice was hopeful as if he wanted me to say yes to him following me home. But I knew it would only delay the inevitable.
“No, I think it’s best if I go alone.”
Those words carried much more than just a simple statement about my drive home.
He held my gaze for another moment before starting to release my hand.
I clung on until I couldn’t anymore as he slowly stepped back.
Just as our fingers were about to let go, I saw the hesitation in his eyes.
I felt the same hesitation in my heart. I squeezed his hand, one last attempt coming to mind.
“Do you think we could try? Long distance, I mean,” I said.
He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. “You have no idea how much I want that. I just can’t get in the way.
Please understand what this is doing to me, but you are more important.
I can’t be the one to hold you back. I just can’t.
” The pain in his voice was clear and I knew I had to let this go. Had to let him go.
“I understand. I wish. I wish so many things.”
“So do I,” he whispered.
Miles took the last step away, my arm falling to my side, making me feel like I was being torn to pieces. We both knew what was about to be lost.
“We will see you in the morning,” he said, his voice rough like sandpaper.
I nodded, holding back more tears. “Okay. See you then.”
He watched as I got into the car and backed out of his driveway. I could still see him in the rear view mirror standing there when I turned the corner.
As I drove back to the loft, the questions plagued me as I wiped bitter tears.
Was I doing the right thing? Had I just walked away from the love of my life?