Chapter Eighteen
Hannah
Jeremy waits for me at our usual bench near the café.
After my conversation with Sasha, I know I won’t be able to make it to Jeremy’s surf class on time when I hurry out of the apartment this morning. It feels like the universe is sending a message, with every red light and slow driver blocking my way.
Nevertheless, I hurry to see him.
Throughout the entire drive, I rehearse what I’ll say to him, becoming increasingly frustrated with the traffic that keeps slowing me down.
After finally finding a parking spot, I glance at the clock and have a sinking feeling in my heart as I realize the lesson has already started and it’s too late to hurry. I’ll have to wait until the lesson is over and then catch up with him at the café.
Sitting in my car, my heart races as I mentally review the plan for the thousandth time. Go to the café and let Jeremy know that I love him and want to be together.
What if he no longer wants me after last night? What if, now that finally he’s had me he doesn’t want me anymore?
I struggle to silence the nagging voice in my head that doubts Sasha’s words about Jeremy.
As soon as the clock strikes 10:00 a.m., I exit the car and walk towards the little café. I hope fervently that Jeremy will be waiting for me.
He is.
I see him sitting on our bench, casually leaning against the wood, his gaze fixed on the ocean while his curls flutter in the breeze.
My heart rate surges as I get closer to him, until I’m just a few steps away. I pay no attention to the busy café and its patrons, my mind solely focused on him.
Getting closer to the bench, I say, “Jeremy.”
He starts and turns towards me. The astonishment on his face is a clear sign that he doesn’t expect me to show up this morning.
He rises from the bench and stands before me, saying, “Hannah,” with a breath.
He tries to speak, but I interrupt him. “Please, let me say what I came here to say first, or else I’ll forget everything I rehearsed.”
I watch as he swallows and nods, indicating that I should continue.
“You are right,” I begin. “Last night, and every other occasion you mentioned that I underestimate my worth.” I brace myself and take a deep breath before confessing, as I have never revealed these thoughts to anyone, not even myself.
“When Clae left, he shattered a crucial piece of me. I admit it’s embarrassing, but I went back to him when I felt jealous and insecure about my best friend’s engagement. I feel bitter and self-conscious seeing everyone find their happily ever after, thinking no one will love me like that because I believe something is wrong with me.” The words spill out of me in a rush .
“Hannah, there’s nothing wrong with you,” he interrupts.
“Please, let me finish,” I say, disregarding his consent and speaking from the heart, my rehearsed speech fading away.
“I felt conflicted after Clae and I slept together and he wanted me back. I thought I wanted him to love me again, for things to return to how they were. I now understand it isn’t because I still love him, but because I believe it’s the only love I deserve.”
“Then you come into my life,” I say, my voice wavering slightly. “You are remarkably kind to me, as if you genuinely recognize how damaged I truly am, and rather than pitying me, you reach out your hand to help me. Teaching me to surf awakened a side of me that I didn’t know existed, and I don’t think you realize it either.”
I pause, taking another shaky breath before continuing. “I am scared and pushed you away because I’m not ready to face what it means. I hate myself for the pain I cause you. I’m too scared to risk my heart with you, dreading the possibility of falling deeply in love and experiencing the same abandonment as in the past. I have come to realize how dumb that is.”
“Last night when I saw Clae, all I felt towards him is revulsion. I finally understand that I never loved him because I don’t know what true love means.” Shaking my head, I add, “I can’t put into words the sheer terror I felt when he hit you. I am afraid you will see that I am not worth the effort.”
“Hannah,” he whispers, anguish evident on his face.
“I was unsure of what to think when you left the apartment this morning. I don’t know if last night holds any meaning for you. You’re aware that it is difficult for me to talk about my feelings.” A shaky laugh escapes me.
“Nevertheless, I came here this morning with the plan of telling you that and hoping you feel the same. Hoping you feel the same love for me as I do for you.” I stop talking, not knowing what else to add. Jeremy’s intense gaze makes it impossible for me to interpret his emotions.
He starts to say “Hannah,” then pauses. As he moves closer and clears his throat, my heart tightens. We are so close, just inches away.
“All I ever wish is for you to view yourself through my eyes,” he says gently. “You are not a broken thing discarded by others, but an incredibly strong and beautiful woman.” Reaching out, he caresses my cheek, and I instinctively lean into his touch. “I fell in love with you the moment you admitted you can’t start your computer.”
I burst into laughter as tears well up in my eyes. Jeremy brushes them away with a gentle sweep of his thumb, then leans in, his lips softly touching mine before he kisses me.
Breaking the kiss and with his lips still against mine, he whispers, “Hannah Upton, I love you and I am not going anywhere.”