Chapter 15 Paige
PAIGE
The first thing I notice when I open my eyes is the pounding in my head. The second is the empty space beside me in bed, the sheets rumpled and cold.
Memories of last night come flooding back in disjointed flashes. The bar. The wine. Alex's hands on my skin, his lips on my neck. Me, telling him we had to end things between us.
Oh god. What have I done?
I sit up, groaning as the room spins around me. My mouth feels like it's been stuffed with cotton balls, and there's a sour taste on my tongue that has nothing to do with the wine.
I stumble out of bed, grabbing my phone off the nightstand. There's a text from Alex, sent early this morning.
You were right. This thing between us, it's not going to work. Better to end it now before someone gets hurt. See you at the office.
I stare at the words, a strange mix of relief and disappointment washing over me. He agreed with me. He wants to end things, just like I said we should.
So why do I feel like I just made the biggest mistake of my life?
I shake my head, immediately regretting the action as pain lances through my skull. No. This is for the best. Alex and I, we're like oil and water. We don't mix, no matter how much we might want to.
It's better this way. Easier. We can go back to being just colleagues, just two people who drive each other crazy in all the wrong ways.
I can do this. I can put Alex Spencer behind me and focus on what really matters—my work, my code, my life.
I just wish it didn't feel like I was leaving a piece of myself behind in the process.
The next few days at the office are a special kind of torture. Alex is everywhere, his presence impossible to ignore. But instead of seeking me out, instead of trying to talk to me or steal a moment alone, he's doing the exact opposite.
He's avoiding me.
Oh, he's perfectly polite when we do cross paths. A nod in the hallway, a brief "morning" in the break room. But there's a distance in his eyes, a coolness in his voice that wasn't there before.
It's like he's flipped a switch, turned off whatever it was that drew us together in the first place. And I hate it.
I hate the way he looks right through me in meetings, like I'm just another face in the crowd. I hate the way he laughs with Veronica from design, his head thrown back and his eyes crinkled at the corners.
I hate the way he doesn't stay late to work on MindMeld with me anymore, leaving me alone in the lab with nothing but my thoughts and the glow of the computer screen.
But most of all, I hate the way he makes me feel. Like I'm missing something vital, something I didn't even know I needed until it was gone.
Jamie notices, of course. She's always been too perceptive for her own good.
"What's going on with you and Alex?" she asks me one day, cornering me in the break room. "You two have been acting weird all week."
I busy myself with the coffee machine, avoiding her gaze. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Jamie snorts. "Please. You've been moping around like someone kicked your puppy, and he's been flirting with anything in a skirt. Something happened between you two, and I want to know what."
I sigh, my shoulders slumping. "We ended things. Whatever things were."
Jamie's eyes widen. "What? Why?"
I shrug, trying to sound casual even as my heart clenches in my chest. "It wasn't going to work out. We're too different, Jamie. He's all charm and flash, and I'm just... me."
Jamie frowns, her brow furrowing. "Paige, that's ridiculous. You're amazing, and if Alex can't see that, then he's an idiot."
I give her a weak smile. "Thanks, Jamie. But it's fine. Really. It's better this way."
Jamie looks like she wants to argue, but she just shakes her head. "If you say so, Paige. But for what it's worth, I think you two could be really good together. If you'd just give it a chance."
I don't say anything, just grab my coffee and head back to my desk. I can't think about chances not taken, about what might have been.
I have work to do, and I can't let Alex Spencer distract me anymore.
But he does distract me. Every damn day.
I catch myself watching him across the room, my eyes drawn to the line of his shoulders, the curve of his jaw. I listen for his laugh, for the sound of his voice drifting through the office.
And every time I see him with Veronica, every time she leans in too close or touches his arm, I feel a hot spike of jealousy lance through me.
It's ridiculous. I have no claim on Alex, no right to feel possessive or hurt. I'm the one who ended things between us, the one who pushed him away.
But that doesn't stop the ache in my chest, the hollow feeling that settles in my gut every time I see them together.
It all comes to a head one night, when we're both working late on MindMeld. We're supposed to be debugging some code, but Alex spends half the time flirting with Veronica over Slack.
I can see the messages popping up on his screen, the little smile that plays on his lips as he types out a response. And something in me snaps.
"Do you have to do that here?" I ask, my voice tight with barely suppressed anger.
Alex looks up, his brow furrowed. "Do what?"
I wave a hand at his screen. "That. Flirting with Veronica. We're supposed to be working."
Alex's eyes narrow, his jaw clenching. "I didn't realize my personal life was any of your business, Reynolds."
I flinch at the use of my last name, at the coldness in his voice. "It's not. But we have a deadline, and I need you focused."
Alex scoffs, leaning back in his chair. "Oh, you need me focused? That's rich, coming from you."
I bristle, my hackles rising. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Alex shakes his head, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. "Nothing. Just forget it."
But I can't forget it. I can't forget the hurt in his eyes, the anger in his voice. "No, tell me. What did you mean by that?"
Alex stands up, his chair scraping against the floor. "You really want to know? Fine. I meant that you don't get to dictate my life, Paige. You don't get to push me away and then get mad when I move on."
I stand up too, my hands clenched into fists at my sides. "I'm not mad. I just think it's unprofessional to be flirting with a co-worker while we're trying to work."
Alex laughs, the sound harsh and grating. "That's fucking rich, coming from you. What do you call what we were doing, Paige? Was that professional?"
I feel my cheeks heat, shame and anger warring in my gut. "That was different."
"Was it?" Alex steps closer, his eyes boring into mine. "Because from where I'm standing, it looks like you're a hypocrite. You're fine with screwing around with me in private, but God forbid I talk to another woman in public."
I flinch at his words, at the crude way he reduces what we had to just 'screwing around'. "Screw you, Alex."
"You already did, remember?" He shakes his head, his lips curled into a sneer. "But I guess that didn't mean anything to you, did it? Just another way to scratch an itch."
I feel tears prick at the backs of my eyes, hot and stinging. "Fuck you. You don't know anything about how I feel."
"You're right, I don't. Because you won't fucking tell me." Alex runs a hand through his hair, frustration rolling off him in waves. "I tried, Paige. I tried to get you to open up, to let me in. But you just kept pushing me away."
I open my mouth to argue, but he cuts me off. "And you know what? I'm done. I'm done trying to figure you out, done waiting for you to decide if you actually give a shit about me."
He grabs his laptop, shoving it into his bag. "You want to be a robot, Paige? Fine. Be a fucking robot. But don't expect me to wait around for you to grow a heart."
And with that, he storms out of the lab, leaving me alone with nothing but the hum of the computers and the shattered pieces of my heart.
I sink into my chair, my legs giving out beneath me. I feel like I've been punched in the gut, all the air sucked out of my lungs.
Is that really what he thinks of me? That I'm some kind of heartless machine, incapable of feeling or caring?
But even as I ask myself the question, I know there's a kernel of truth to his words. I have pushed him away, have kept him at arm's length even as I pulled him closer.
I'm so scared of getting hurt, of being vulnerable, that I've sabotaged the one good thing in my life. The one person who made me feel alive, who challenged me and infuriated me and made my heart race.
And now I've lost him. Maybe for good.
A sob builds in my throat, tears blurring my vision. I bury my face in my hands, my shoulders shaking as I let myself fall apart.
I don't know how long I stay like that, crying in the empty lab. But eventually, I pull myself together, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
I can't do this anymore. I can't keep running from my feelings, from the truth of what I want.
I want Alex. I want him in my life, in my bed, in my heart. And I'll be damned if I let my fear get in the way of that anymore.
I grab my phone, my fingers shaking as I pull up his contact. I start to type out a message, an apology, a plea for him to give me another chance.
But before I can hit send, I hear a knock on the lab door. I look up, my heart leaping into my throat.
But it's not Alex standing there. It's Jamie, her face etched with concern.
"Hey," she says softly, stepping into the room. "I saw Alex leave. He looked upset. Is everything okay?"
I shake my head, fresh tears spilling down my cheeks. "No. Everything's a mess, Jamie. I really fucked up this time."
Jamie crosses the room, pulling me into a hug. I cling to her, my face pressed into her shoulder as I let myself fall apart again.
"Shh, it's okay," she soothes, rubbing my back. "We'll figure it out, Paige. I promise."
But even as she says the words, even as I want so desperately to believe them, I can't help but wonder if it's too late.
If I've lost my chance at happiness, at love, because I was too scared to reach out and grab it with both hands.
The thought sends a fresh wave of pain through me, and I tighten my grip on Jamie, wishing I could go back and do it all differently.
Wishing I could be brave, just this once.