Chapter 21 #2
“You’re not kicking me out.”
“Well then you’re staying until your place is livable.”
Grace sucked in a breath. She didn’t know how she would manage it, being so close to him and not being able to do anything about it.
But she’d survived while Alma was there.
She’d just have to avoid him at all costs, just for a while.
And then they would both get over it and move on with their lives.
Time would sprawl out before them until enough of it had passed for the pain to subside.
They’d go back to being acquaintances, occasionally falling into each other’s orbit because of Alma, letting everything settle back to how it had been.
And then maybe after that, with enough distance, they could be friends again.
She didn’t imagine it would take Raf too long to move on, even if he couldn’t believe it now. “I don’t have to stay,” she said.
“Don’t you want to show Alma how mature we are about this whole thing? How nothing has changed?”
Grace felt the tears welling her eyes, but she wouldn’t let them fall. She gave the tiniest nod. “Alma said there was someone else before.” She hesitated. Why was she even bringing this up? There was no point talking about it, but her mouth moved without permission. “Another one of her friends?”
Rafael’s face hardened in an instant. “That was completely different. She knew it was just for a night, and I wasn’t interested in anything more.”
“And it was never just supposed to be a one-night thing with me?”
He exhaled. “I didn’t know, Grace. I was confused and needed time to figure out this thing with us, and I’m telling you now, it’s different. If I had thought there was nothing more between us, I would have told you upfront. I’m not trying to string anyone along.”
Grace bit her lip and turned away. She realized she believed him, even if it didn’t matter either way. Just because he felt this way now didn’t mean it would last. Grace wanted some peace for a while, some stability. She didn’t want to live in fear of another disaster just around the corner.
“I see.” Rafael’s hands twitched at his sides, and he nodded with resignation. “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he said, walking toward the coat rack and grabbing a jacket.
The lump in her throat seemed to grow. “Where are you going?”
“What does it matter?”
He headed for the door, and she didn’t stop him, because she had no idea what she would do if he stayed.
She’d lived through everything else the past year.
She’d had the shittiest time of her life, and she’d survived, and Grace promised herself she would survive this, too, no matter how much pain crawled under her bones, making her ache everywhere.
She finally let herself cry when he was gone.
She crawled into her bed in her tiny, perfect room, and she cried until her eyes were almost swollen shut.
She was used to the tears, salty and familiar on her cheeks.
She was used to grief. But the gaping hole in her heart was only calling for one thing in that particular moment. It was yearning for him.
“Well look who’s in her own bed,” Alma said the following morning.
Grace groaned and rolled toward the wall, shielding her eyes. “Everything okay?’ she mumbled.
“I’ll tell you all about it when you’re up,” Alma replied. “Where’s Raf?”
A chill ran over Grace’s skin. “He’s not here?”
“Doesn’t seem to be,” Alma said, her voice harder than usual.
“Don’t be mad at him, Alma,” Grace whispered. “I kissed him first.” Grace wished she could have seen her best friend’s expression, but she couldn’t bring herself to roll toward her, and she also didn’t know what her miserable face might look like after all the tears.
“Well, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Alma said flatly, even though it was clear that was exactly what she’d intended to do. “I’m going to go make coffee.”
“Okay,” Grace croaked. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
Alma left the room without another word, and Grace moved toward the nightstand to check her phone.
Nothing from Rafael, not that she’d expected it.
She turned on the selfie camera and checked her face.
It could have been worse. It could have just been exhaustion if you didn’t know she’d been crying.
She took another breath and got out of bed.
Alma’s back was toward her in the kitchen when Grace trudged in to get the kettle going. “How did it go with Obinna?” Grace asked.
“I’m very happy with the outcome,” Alma said in a monotone voice.
“You don’t sound very happy.” She measured some tea leaves into a strainer and couldn’t help but notice she didn’t sound all that happy herself.
Alma let out a long sigh. “Things with Obinna are better, Gracie. At least, I think they will be. It’s you that I’m worried about.”
“That’s the problem. It’s been about me for too long.” She ran a hand over her face. “You two made up?”
Finally, Alma turned toward her, a ghost of a smile on her lips. “We talked for hours. And maybe we both still have some reservations, but we love each other so much. I’m going to take my stuff back over tonight if that’s okay with you.”
In spite of everything else she was feeling, a wide grin spread across Grace’s face. She’d been sure things would work out between them and was thrilled to be right “Of course that’s okay with me. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Because you might need me here to stop you from jumping on top of my idiot brother.”
Grace froze, unsure how to react.
“You kissed him first?” Alma squinted her eyes at Grace, as if she’d been puzzling over this singular fact for a long while.
Grace nodded. “I kissed him, though I guess he did make it clear that something similar had been on his mind lately. But I was the one who did it.”
“Did he tell you he wasn’t interested in anything more than that?” Alma asked, like she was truly curious and wanted to understand.
“No…” Grace trailed off. If nothing else, she believed that Rafael really did feel something for her, even if it didn’t align with Alma’s view of the whole situation. She just didn’t know how to convince Alma of it or if there was a point in trying.
Alma rested her back against the counter. “Listen, it’s not like I think he was trying to hurt you on purpose or anything. He’s usually upfront about his emotional distance, at least, but he’s just not—”
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” Grace said, staring down into the bottom of her mug.
“What does that mean?”
Alma’s voice had lost some of its edge, and Grace released a breath.
She knew Alma wouldn’t stay upset now that things between Grace and Raf were over.
She and Alma had been friends long enough to forgive anything.
Their love was lifelong and unconditional.
They were stuck together like family, even though Grace was decidedly unstuck from most of her blood relatives.
Alma had become her blood instead, the person she’d call about anything, the person who’d always be there.
“It means that we’ve called it off,” Grace said evenly, trying not to let the pain creep into her tone. “It’s not worth hurting you.”
“You mean it’s not worth hurting yourself,” Alma corrected. “That’s the really important part.”
“Yeah,” Grace grabbed some sugar from the cabinet, taking in Alma’s words. “Of course.”
Alma took a gulp of coffee and then continued her line of questioning. “Who called it off? I’m sure Raf wouldn’t have come up with that idea.”
Grace paused.
Alma nodded to herself, as if all of her opinions were validated by Grace’s lack of protest. “Well, good for you, Gracie. I tried to warn you, but at least I can protect you now.”
“Why are you so sure he couldn’t have feelings for me?” Grace asked, her voice small.
Alma shook her head. “It’s not you. It’s not even him, not really. Maybe he really believes the two of you could have something, but it seems irresponsible to experiment with you in light of everything you’ve been through. I just worry he’s not ready, and you aren’t either.”
“I know what you mean. That’s why I told him…
” Grace thought back to the night before, to telling Rafael a relationship between them was too risky.
Still, she couldn’t help defending the idea of it, even if she hadn’t been willing to take that chance.
“But you haven’t really been in anything serious either, until now.
And maybe it won’t be with me, but someday he might want a relationship. ”
Alma pressed her lips together, considering Grace’s argument.
“Maybe that’s true. I hope he will figure things out someday.
He’s had it rough with our father, trying to emulate him and then trying to distance himself from him.
I don’t think he’s had enough of a chance to figure out who he is and what he wants without Papá’s influence.
Starting his company was a first step, but I’m not sure if he’s had enough time to understand himself yet. ”
Grace hadn’t considered Rafael’s father’s influence before, even though she could recall the pain and defiance that seemed to affect his entire demeanor whenever his father came up in conversation.
“You’re right that the timing is terrible.
And you’re right that I don’t want to lose anything else.
And you’re right that he’s your brother, and I don’t want to put you in an awful situation. ”
Alma’s mouth quirked up. “I’m not used to you telling me I’m right about so much stuff.”
“Just—” Grace started. “Take it easy on him, please.”
Alma made a motion to zip her lips. “I won’t say another word about it. We can all just pretend this never happened. Though I might not be able to help my gag reflex when I see the two of you in the same room.”
Alma said it like it was all a big joke. A silly story for the future. A little misstep on their ultimate journey. But Grace couldn’t see it like that. She didn’t know if she ever could, not when it felt like her heart had been broken all over again.
Alma studied her face. “I’m telling you, it’s for the best.”
“Yeah.” The kettle whistled, and Grace was thankful for the opportunity to turn away, to try to hide all her anguish and lock it deep inside. When she turned back to her best friend, she’d regained her composure.
Alma poured another mug of coffee and blew across the top.
“Tell me about Obinna,” Grace said, looking forward to the change in topic, one with a happy ending.
Alma smiled, and it really was like nothing had happened. They’d resolved the Rafael issue, nipped it in the bud, and now they could go on with their friendship.
Alma told her all of the details—the long conversation about where their relationship was going, how she’d admitted to Obinna how terrified she’d been to think of their future, and how she’d been even more terrified to think they might not have one.
She gave Grace a breakdown of the whole thing, point by point until the moment when Obinna had finally kissed her.
“I love him so much,” Alma gushed. “I don’t know how he could have thought otherwise. ”
Grace smiled, happy for her friend even if her own pain was still tattooed under her skin.
She knew Alma had never felt like this before, that she’d never wanted this kind of commitment.
And if Alma was able to commit to Obinna, to consider marriage and children and all the things she’d never given a second thought, then surely, Rafael could have a girlfriend. He wanted it. He was ready to try.
But it wouldn’t be with Grace. Alma was right—Grace certainly wasn’t in a position to be Raf’s relationship guinea pig.
And she’d made that clear to him the night before…
right before he’d disappeared. As happy as Grace was that everything had worked out for Alma, she also just wanted to go back to bed and force the day to come to an end as quickly as possible.
One day and then another and another. That was the only way to move forward.
And she knew from experience, from long days and treacherous nights, it was the only way to move on.