Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Grace sat beside Rafael on the couch with a cushion between them.
It was better that they weren’t touching, then maybe she could keep a clear head.
God, he’d said he wanted to be with her, and she’d just stood there like an idiot, unable to translate the sentence in her brain even though he was speaking English.
She didn’t know whether to feel elated or terrified.
Okay, she couldn’t help being elated, actually, because just look at him.
He was beautiful and caring. He’d let her live with him.
He’d conjured up a whole event for her students at a secret art exhibit.
He’d trotted her around the city and held her in the night.
He’d made her body absolutely quake with pleasure.
If this man wanted more than just a good time, then it was a cause for celebration.
Like, a marching band and a giant sheet cake kind of celebration.
But also, Alma was right. Grace knew Alma was right, because Alma knew her better than anyone in the universe. Grace had been a total mess of a human being, and she still was. She was completely vulnerable. Rafael could absolutely destroy her. All of those things were also true.
Maybe it was too soon. Maybe even entertaining the idea of dating her best friend’s brother should be entirely out of the question. She was already in over her head. How could she have a relationship with such a perfect human specimen? It didn’t seem real. She let out a little laugh at the thought.
“What?” Rafael asked.
She opened her mouth, searching for words. “It’s just—you’re you.”
Rafael frowned. “I am, I suppose. What does that mean?”
Grace almost snorted. “You’re this hot womanizer who could have anyone on the planet, and you’re telling me you want to be with me?”
He squinted at her. “Are you serious right now?”
“What?” She scanned his face, sure he must understand what she meant.
“Graciela, you…” He cleared his throat. “I could never deserve you. I would understand if you don’t even want to give me a chance, but not if it’s because you can’t imagine I would want to be with you.
It’s true that I’ve never exactly done this before.
A relationship, I mean. I don’t entirely know how.
But if it means we get to be together? That’s the simple part. That’s all I want.”
Grace chewed the tip of her thumb nail trying not to turn to complete mush at his words.
She had no clue how to respond. Obviously, she wanted him, but she didn’t want to cling to him to escape the realities of her grief and pain.
She didn’t want him to be a rebound, not anymore.
Not if he was offering her something real.
She just didn’t know if she was ready for something real.
She should have listened to Alma in the first place. She should have stayed away. If she’d never kissed him, never slept with him, then all of this would be so much easier. She’d still want him, sure, but she could go on like that forever if she didn’t know how he tasted.
“Do you care about me?” Rafael asked so earnestly that she wanted to reach out and stroke his hair. She wanted to make him laugh.
“Yes, dummy, of course I care about you.”
He smiled. “So? Maybe we could give it a shot?”
Grace stood up and started pacing in front of him. “But Alma is right, Raf. She’s right about everything. I’m a mess, and you’re—”
“A guy who’s never had a real relationship.” He finished her sentence like it was a foregone conclusion.
Grace swiped a hand across her face. This fucking hurt, just like she knew it would.
But it would be worse later. It would be so much worse if she loved him.
It had already happened once. She’d completely melded her life to someone else’s, so sure that they had a secure future in front of them, only for all of it to be ripped away.
Derek had barely offered an explanation—just that things had changed.
They were complacent and distant by the end of it, and what was to stop the exact same thing from happening with Rafael?
How many months or years would it take until he was bored of her, too?
It wouldn’t matter how much she wanted him then.
It wouldn’t matter how tightly she held on.
“I do have feelings for you, obviously, but it is a lot of pressure, and I don’t want to be so broken again.
It’s too risky.” She hung her head, letting her hair fall in front of her face like a curtain, unable to look at him.
Rafael jumped up from the couch, taking her hand in his. “It’s worth the risk.”
Grace stared at a tiny hole in the sleeve of her sweater.
“You don’t know that. We have to be able to be in the same room.
For Alma.” She felt like throwing something but settled for pulling away and continuing to stride back and forth without looking toward the devastating man standing in the middle of the room trying to change her mind.
“But it could work between us, Graciela. Why are you so sure it wouldn’t?”
She finally let her eyes drift back over to him. “Well, most relationships don’t work out, do they? There’s a good chance this is a terrible idea. And what’s the alternative? We’re just happy together forever?”
Rafael shrugged, giving her a smug look, like maybe that was possible.
“We barely know each other.”
“We live together,” Raf countered.
“For a matter of weeks, Raf. I lived with Derek for years.” There it was.
She’d finally said her ex-boyfriend’s name aloud, and it cut through their conversation like a knife.
Here was her proof that things never worked out even when you were so sure they would, even when you thought you had forever.
She was finally offering it up for Rafael to study, her most solid evidence, finally letting him in on the truth of the matter.
Rafael’s expression darkened. “I’m not Derek,” he said.
“I know.” She let out a breath.
“I won’t hurt you.”
“You can’t promise that.”
“I can, and I will, if you don’t hurt me.”
“I can’t promise that either.”
“Grace,” Rafael said sternly. “Do you want to be with me or not? Is it worth it to try? Because for me, it is. I’ve never felt like this before.
I’m not just going to go out and find someone else that makes me feel like you do, because it’s never happened in my lifetime.
And I promise to be an adult if it blows up.
I promise to make things as easy for Alma as possible.
But Alma will be fine. Don’t base your decision on her.
Base your decision on you and me. Is this what you want? ”
Grace stopped pacing and breathed deeply, taking in his words. She didn’t want to lose everything again. That had already happened once, and even if she was sure she’d be stronger this time around, she didn’t want to have to rebuild her entire life again. Especially not without Alma.
“I can’t, Raf.” She put a hand to her chest, surprised at the physical pain there. “Alma is my family. She’s basically all I have.” Her voice almost broke on the last word.
“You have me,” he argued. “I’ll be here for you, Grace, and Alma will get used to it.”
She stared at him. She didn’t know what else to say.
He seemed to be seeing all of this through rose-colored glasses, as if everything would be so easy between them, as if she only had to say yes and the rest would fall into place.
But he didn’t know what he was talking about; he didn’t know how it felt to have nothing.
She could still remember Alma’s voice on the phone, every syllable filled with concern, after Derek broke things off.
She could still remember crying to her best friend, the aching absence that had only gotten worse when she lost Gram.
Grace didn’t want to go through it all again, and she didn’t want to have to pretend everything was okay just to spare Alma from the consequences she should have seen coming.
“Grace,” Raf said, his voice colder than before. “You can’t tell me you don’t want to be with me. You can’t take it all away the one time I’ve ever…”
She shook her head, wishing he wouldn’t say anymore. She pressed her lips together for a moment before she was able to speak again. “Maybe I should get out of here for a while? I don’t know what to do. I wish I could make everything go back to normal.”
He threw a hand in the air. “What’s normal in this situation? I secretly want you without telling you? Because that’s what my normal was before.”
God, his eyes were so beautiful even when they looked all sad; they made her feel like her throat was closing up.
She didn’t want to hurt him. She didn’t want to hurt herself.
But how could this possibly go? They could sleep together for a while and delay the inevitable, only to destroy each other later?
It was the only thing Grace could foresee, the only prophecy that seemed possible.
“I’m sorry,” she said, grasping for the last bits of strength she could find inside herself. “It’s just better if we put a stop to it now.”
His nostrils flared. “Better for who? Better for you? Better for Alma?”
“Raf—” She wanted to console him. She wanted to press her head against his chest and console herself, but it would only make things worse.
“No, it’s fine. Clearly, you know what you want, and it’s not me. I can’t argue with that.”
She did want him, and he knew it too. He had to know it in every desperate glance she’d given him the past week, in every reckless kiss they’d shared.
He had to have felt the rush of her pulse under his fingers, and he must have realized how hard this was for her, to walk away from all of it.
But it was too dangerous. It was too difficult. And it was way too much to lose.
“My apartment should be ready in a week. I can find somewhere else to stay until then.”
“No,” he said, his voice rough. “You said you wanted things back to normal, and that’s not normal. I would never kick you out.”