18. Emily
emily
T he rest of the week goes by in a blur.
I’ve been avoiding being alone with Ben, which really isn’t that difficult considering I’m putting in long hours at the hospital.
On my days off, I spend the morning resting and then going to the gym before running errands.
I found a gym closer to my apartment. It was a hard transition at first, but everyone has been really welcoming.
When I get back to the apartment, Ben is usually at work, so I have the apartment to myself.
I’ve been catching up on my reading lately.
I had forgotten how much I loved to read, but I’m trying to find time for the things that I let go of when I was with Logan without even realizing it.
If nothing else, this breakup has helped me to see all the things I changed about myself to be the perfect girlfriend for Logan.
It didn’t happen overnight. I didn’t wake up one morning and decide that since Logan didn’t like to read, neither did I.
Or that instead of disagreeing with anything Logan said, I would nod silently to avoid embarrassing him in social situations or appearing argumentative.
I didn’t want to be the girlfriend whom everyone pretended to be nice to only to become the subject of the cop wives’ gossip behind my back.
Having been privy to some of the silly gossip, I had decided to never give them anything to talk about.
In the weeks since Logan ended things, I realized how much of myself I let go of to fit the mold of his perfect partner. I justified it, thinking we were endgame and would eventually be married. Besides, it wasn’t like Logan was asking me to change myself.
So, I’ve been trying to recover pieces of myself that I lost. One of which is reading for fun.
I love to read all genres, but romance novels make me the happiest. I love the stories of two people coming together and working out their differences to make a relationship work.
The guaranteed happily ever afters are always an endorphin rush that both my heart and soul need.
Romance books also help me feel less alone.
How can you be alone when you have a plethora of book boyfriends?
Before what I’ve been referring to as “the couch incident,” I would curl up on the couch with a book, my blanket, and a cup of coffee.
But, ever since “the couch incident,” I’ve relegated myself to holing up in my bedroom.
I found a cute but trendy reading chair that fits perfectly in the corner of my bedroom.
It also doubles as a place where I dump my clean laundry, but it works.
I’m not purposely avoiding Ben, but knowing that I may be catching feelings for my handsome roommate has been wreaking havoc on my nerves. My guilty conscience whispers that it’s way too soon while the devil on my shoulder is telling me I should go for it.
It hasn’t even been two months since Logan and I broke up, but it feels like a lifetime has passed.
I feel like a new person these days. It makes me feel guilty that I’m not still in mourning about our failed relationship.
It reminds me of that S ex and the Cit y episode where Charlotte said, “It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them.”
So, if that is “the break-up rule,” according to the wise and graceful Charlotte York, wouldn’t that mean that I had to spend the next one and a half years getting over Logan?
What does it say about me when I have spent most of the time…
not thinking about Logan? Sure, I’ve thought about him in the general sense.
I’ve wondered how he was doing. And, yes, I’ve been trying to figure out how I was so stupid and missed all the signs that he had been unhappy for so long, but outside of that, I haven’t missed him as much as I imagined I should.
Even worse, how do I tackle the thoughts that I’ve been obsessing over Ben since Sasha’s party? Or that I seem to be almost hyper-aware of his presence in every room we’re in. Or that I seem to harbor some insidious butterflies that take flight every time he smiles at me.
It seems awfully too soon to be thinking about a new guy right after a breakup.
Though I can’t even remember the last time Logan and I had sex.
It had to have been before Halloween. I thought it was a normal rut that all couples went through and that we would eventually get back into the swing of things.
When we first slept together, the sex was electric, which lasted for a few months, and we kind of fell into a routine.
Logan liked the missionary position, which was fine.
He used to get me off in the beginning, but I can’t recall the last time I had an orgasm with Logan.
Most of the time, he would come, and as he was cleaning himself up in the bathroom, I would get myself off with my hands. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of self-care to thoughts of a certain hazel-eyed roommate.
It doesn’t escape me that we still haven’t acted as each other’s wingman or brought other people back to our apartment to hook up. Maybe that’s what we need to do to help ease some of the tension between us.