32. Emily
emily
“ I think I’m dying,” I pant as I collapse on the floor of the gym.
The workout of the day included multiple rounds of burpees and lunges with some lightweight lifting exercises.
While I don’t mind weightlifting, I loathe burpees and lunges with a passion.
I’m not surprised that the workout kicked my ass, but I have never felt this sick after a brutal workout before.
“You okay?” Maggie asks as she sits down next to me and sips her water. She hands me my protein shake, and I sit up to take a sip before lying back down on the ground.
“I feel like shit.” Panting heavily, I can’t seem to catch my breath, and the room feels like it’s spinning. “I’ll just lay here until I die.”
Maggie laughs at my antics, and we catch up on work gossip. The mood shifts, a palpable tension hanging in the air, and I brace myself for what she’s about to say.
“Have you heard from Logan since ‘the incident’?” Maggie frowns.
The memory of my ex makes my skin crawl with revulsion.
“No, thank God. He’s stopped texting me finally. It’s almost like he’s disappeared.”
My breaths have returned to normal, and the racing in my chest has subsided. The dizziness has diminished, but the mention of Logan makes me queasy. When I finally peel myself off the ground, I feel a little better.
“I still can’t believe he confronted you like that. And in public!”
“Yeah, me neither. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“It’s almost like he hates seeing that you’re happy and don’t need him anymore.”
“I never thought of it like that before.”
Lost in thought, my brows knit together.
Was Logan trying to manipulate me by making me doubt Ben’s character?
A few months ago, my loyalty to Logan clouded my judgment.
I never would have thought Logan could be so deceitful, but now, away from his spell, his dishonesty is shockingly clear.
The coldness in his eyes, the hollow ring to his voice.
These things were always there. I just couldn’t see them before.
“Well, I’m glad he’s finally out of the picture, so you can move on with your life. He’s been such a deadweight,” Maggie continues. “You ready to get outta here?”
I nod and drag myself to standing.
“Ugh, I think I gained some weight.” The swelling around my midsection is causing me a lot of discomfort; it feels distended. My clothes have been feeling snug, and I feel uncomfortable in my body.
“I don’t know how that’s possible. You work out all the time!” Megan replies, then adds, “Maybe you’re just bloated. I always get bloated when it’s time for my period.”
I nod as I try to remember the last time I had my period.
It’s usually pretty regular, so I never keep track of it, but I should have had it a few weeks ago.
I try not to let the rising panic take hold as we grab our things and head out.
We usually grab breakfast at the local diner once a month, but I suddenly feel anxious and queasy.
“I’m gonna pass on breakfast, but I’ll see you at work tomorrow!
” We hug and say our goodbyes as I jump in the car.
I try not to speed as I head to the nearest convenience store.
Once inside the store, I casually walk to the pharmacy area, where the pregnancy tests are lined up on the shelves.
There are so many options, but I go for the digital one that will clearly tell me if I’m being over dramatic or not.
The cashier checks me out, and as she’s bagging the test along with some snacks I added last-minute, she tells me, “Good luck, and I hope you get the answer you want!”
I grab the bag she hands me and stroll out of the store. What answer do I want? I’m thirty years old, but am I ready for kids? How do I tell Ben? A million thoughts run through my mind as I drive back to the apartment.
I’m so worked up by the time I get home that I can’t even pee on the damn stick.
I grab a bottle of water from the pantry and chug it before hopping into the shower.
I work through different scenarios as I wash my long hair.
The lavender scent of the shampoo is soothing and helps me center myself.
By the time I’m washing out the conditioner in my hair, I’ve decided that no matter the test results, I know I can handle it.
That we can handle it. Together.
Grabbing a towel and drying off, I wrap it around my body and finally plop on the toilet seat.
After verifying the instructions, I pee on the stick and carefully replace the cap as I set an alarm for the mandatory two minutes.
I finish drying off and get dressed so I don’t sit and glare at the test. I’m sure that will somehow alter the results.
I’m fully dressed by the time my alarm goes off. I turn it off with a swipe and take a deep breath to center myself. Rolling my neck and shaking out my arms, I finally gain the courage to pick up the stick.
PREGNANT
The test result is self-explanatory, but I still stare at it in shock.
“Fuck.”
I bring the test back to my room and set it on the dresser.
My thoughts swirling, I crawl into bed. My earlier confidence crumbled when faced with the stark reality of the positive test result.
An icy wave of fear and uncertainty washes over me, the remnants of my bravado gone as quickly as the hot steam dissipating in my shower, leaving only a damp, chilling emptiness.
I was drowning in a sea of possibilities, grasping for any lifeline.
The sound of the front door opening alerts me to Ben’s arrival.
I’m startled awake, my face wet with drool that I quickly swipe away as I leap from the bed.
I must have fallen asleep at some point.
Ben enters the room just as I find the test where I left it and shove it into my dresser.
I turn around to greet his warm smile, and he reaches his arms out for a hug.
I collapse into his embrace and let him hug me.
With him here, a sense of peace washes over me. I breathe deeply, the scent of his cologne filling my lungs and calming my anxieties.
“What’s wrong?” he asks softly into my hair and squeezes me gently. I shake my head and bury my nose in his chest.
“I just missed you.” It’s not a lie.
He cups the back of my head and plants a kiss before pulling back to look at me. His eyes are sharp as he takes in my expression and tilts his chin down in a nod. He grabs my hand and pulls me into the kitchen. “Come eat dinner. I picked up your favorite Thai food.”
My stomach gurgles in hunger. He sits me down and sets the food in front of me. Suddenly, my favorite food doesn’t seem so appetizing when all the scents hit me at once. Gagging, I cover my mouth with a hand and rush into the bathroom, but the wave of nausea dissipates by the time I make it there.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong now?” Ben asks from the doorway, where he’s leaning with his arms and ankles crossed. His perceptive eyes, sharp and knowing, saw right through me. I couldn’t hide the truth from him, even if I wanted to.
“Yeah, I think we need to talk.” The words were reminiscent of what he had told me just a month ago.
I gesture for him to leave so I can slowly wash my hands and trudge out of the bathroom.
I head to my room, grab the test, and meet him in our living room.
Ben’s sitting on the couch and has turned on Netflix.
I edge my way into the room and sit on the edge of the loveseat so we’re facing each other.
He puts the remote down and turns his full attention to me, cocking an eyebrow.
Without saying a word, I pass the test to him and sit on my hands as soon as he grabs it.
He looks at it for a brief second, with confusion marring his handsome face, before the meaning of the test clicks.
His shocked face looks up and meets my gaze, but I can’t tell what he’s thinking by the expression.
Is he happy? Is he mad? Where do we go from here?
“Does this mean what I think it means?” he asks me slowly, like he’s scared to believe the answer. I nod.
“I’m pregnant,” I finally say and brace myself for his response.
I expect him to explode with questions and disbelief.
It’s how I reacted, after all, but he surprises me when he jumps to his feet and picks me up.
He hugs me tightly, and I hesitantly wrap my arms around him.
I sag against his body and release all the tension that I’ve felt until this moment.
He sits down and cradles me in his lap.
“How are you feeling?” he murmurs into my hair.
“I don’t know. I felt fine until today, but I guess I’ve been more tired than usual. I just thought… you know… we’ve been very busy and not sleeping a lot.” I nuzzle into his neck, breathing in the familiar scent of his cologne and the warmth of his skin.
“I’m guessing the Thai food was a bad idea.” He chuckles softly, and his hand rubs my back in soothing circles.
“That was very nice of you, and I’m sorry for the way I reacted.”
“More for me.” I can hear the grin in his words. He pulls me back to look me in the eye. “Are you okay?” he asks me with genuine concern.
“I’m scared,” I admit in a low whisper.
He nods sagely, like he knew what my answer was before I even said it out loud. “I am too but we’ll be okay, tiger. I promise.”
“You’re not upset?”
“Upset? No. I mean, we’ve been having a lot of sex, so this was bound to happen.” He grins triumphantly, and I swat at his chest. A chuckle escapes his lips, but his face quickly turns serious, the smile fading. “It’s scary to think that we could be parents soon if that’s what we decide to do.”
“I must have missed a couple of my birth control pills. I don’t know how else this could have happened.”
He pulls me back into his chest and tucks me into his neck as he continues to rub my back. After a few moments, he sets me down and disappears into the kitchen. I grab the remote and pick a show we both enjoy. Ben returns with a plate of buttered toast and bottled water for me.
“Eat something, and then we can talk.” He leaves the items and goes back for his Thai food before joining me on the couch.
We eat in silence, and it’s not as awkward as I thought it would be.
He seems to take this much better than I imagined, too.
With the toast finished, I’m ready to tackle the drunken noodles he picked up for me.
I eat half of it before calling it quits.
I let Ben clean up after us as I settle into the couch and brace myself for the upcoming conversation.
Ben comes back and sits down next to me. He picks up my legs and places them across his lap in a familiar move. He finds my blanket and places it on my lap, and then he’s rubbing gentle circles on my legs that make me moan in pleasure.
“This is how we ended up in this situation.” He smiles sweetly at me.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“What do you want to do?” he asks me quietly. I pause before answering in a rush.
“I want to keep it.” I look up at him through my lashes and see him nodding as if in agreement.
“Okay.”
“Okay…?”
“Yes. Okay.” He grabs my hand and squeezes it.
“It’s still very early, so I need to call the doctor…” I trail off as my mind spins with what I’m supposed to do next.
“We’ll figure it out together, tiger.” He kisses my hand, and my worries are at ease.
That night, we slept curled around each other. I wasn’t feeling up to fooling around, and Ben seemed content to follow my lead.
I can’t believe I’m pregnant.