Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Mike
She said yes. I can’t believe it. Ren said yes.
I took in a deep breath, frantically trying to calm my racing heart.
My feet felt like lead as I headed to the ICU doors, my heart torn between wanting to run back to her and getting to see Grammy.
I pushed the button for the nurse’s desk, but was told I needed to wait a few more minutes to see Grammy again.
Thanking them, I collapsed into one of the blue plastic chairs that lined the wall.
My world had been suddenly turned upside down this evening.
First, I received an emergency call from the on-call nurse at the facility.
I raced across town to the hospital, frantically praying for Grammy’s life.
I made a vow to God that I would push through this depression and try to make Him proud of me again, if only He would not take her.
Not yet. When I finally calmed the sobs that overwhelmed me upon arrival, I was told she was stable and that more tests would be needed.
In that cold, sterile hospital room, I made another vow. Her wish, her heart’s desire, was to see me married. I would never have considered making that vow if it weren’t for the way Ren had turned my world upside down in just a few days.
Your heart will know it’s home, Mikey. It will just know.
Grandpa’s words kept echoing in my mind as I held Ren in my arms and proposed the craziest plan I had ever come up with.
As her warm eyes looked at my face, trying to understand what I was offering and asking of her, I saw the hesitation.
But when those words from 1 Corinthians came back to me, I knew it was God.
Love is patient, love is kind.
Ren wasn’t in love with me. Not yet anyway, if I had anything to do with it. But when I held her, I knew this to be true.
I was falling in love with her. Hopelessly and completely.
And even though I was convinced that God was disappointed in the way I’d been struggling, I knew His voice, knew His presence. And He was there with us in that moment, surrounded by friends and strangers.
The speaker crackled, pulling me back to the present, and I heard the nurse say, “Mr. Walker, you can come in now.”
Jumping up, I pressed the wide metal button that swung open the doors leading me back to Grammy.
Niko’s whispered words came back to me. “Just be sure this is God.”
What he didn’t know was how right this felt and how much His presence had given me the confidence to see this through.
The loud beeping machines and the strong smell of disinfectant couldn’t dampen my joy. As I turned into her room, I held my breath when I saw her sleepy eyes open.
“Grammy,” I said softly and reverently as I hurried to her side.
I gently grasped her withered, veiny hand and held it, gazing into her eyes with awe.
Tears streamed down my face once more as I silently offered a prayer of thanks.
I kissed her hand and pressed it to my cheek, watching a slow smile spread across her face.
“Mikey,” she said, her voice garbled and weak.
“Don’t try to talk, please, Grammy. Save your strength. I’m just so glad you—”. My sobs wouldn’t allow me to finish.
“Shh, now. Don’t cry. Can’t get rid of me that easily,” she whispered.
I kissed her hand a few more times, grateful to hear her sassy voice a bit stronger than a moment ago.
“Don’t scare me like that again.”
A tear ran down her face, and I quickly wiped it away. “God’s not done with me yet, Mikey. There are still things He wants me to do. Things He’s promised me,” she said, sniffling quietly, her voice slightly stronger.
“I’m starting to believe you,” I said, part laughing, part crying. “I always knew you had some secret access to Him we didn’t know about.”
She closed her eyes, and I feared she had fallen asleep. I selfishly wanted to hear her voice a little longer before they kicked me out again.
When they fluttered open, she took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I scared you, but there’s something you need to know.”
My heart jackhammered in my chest again, but before she could say more, a short, stocky man in a white coat entered. He wasn’t her usual doctor, and my eyes caught the embroidered name on his coat.
Dr. Rueben Thorne. Cardiologist.
I looked back at Grammy, and a shadow of sadness crossed her face as tears she couldn't hold back threatened to fall again. When she looked at the doctor and nodded, I knew things would never be the same.
He cleared his throat, garnering my attention, and said, “Mr. Walker, I’m Dr. Thorne. Your grandmother’s cardiologist.”
All my fears were confirmed. The questions and feelings I couldn’t shake as I watched her weaken each week. Bracing myself, I held onto her hand while giving him my full attention.
“It’s nice to meet you,” I answered roughly, trying to stay composed.
“Mrs. Rose, are you alright with me speaking freely?” he confirmed.
“Yes. It’s time.” Her words did nothing to ease the knot forming in my stomach.
“Alright then. Our tests have confirmed that you’ve had a myocardial infarction, or a heart attack, due to your ongoing issues with congestive heart failure.”
I had no idea how he could stand there with a stethoscope around his neck, his tie askew as if he’d had to rush to the hospital during dinner, and deliver this so matter-of-factly. As if he hadn’t just set off a bomb in this cold, sterile room.
“I-I’m sorry. What?” I looked between him and Grammy, knowing I had to try to keep my wits about me. She was so frail, and I wanted to understand what was happening so I would know how to help her. But the words “ongoing,” “heart attack,” and “congestive heart failure” made it impossible.
Looking back at my grandmother, I heard my shaky voice say, “I don’t understand.”
She squeezed my hand, her strength returning slowly, and said, “Mikey, don’t be upset.
I’ve known for several months now. My heart has weakened and is tired.
I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you, but I couldn’t.
” Her tired eyes brimmed with unshed tears, and I bit my lips together, forcing my body not to fall apart.
“Grammy, why?”
“I know how lonely you are, son. What this news would do to you. You’re facing something that’s destroying you from the inside out.
I see it every time you come to visit. There was no way,” she paused and swallowed, “no way I could add to that. Mikey, God had my days all listed, one by one, in His book before I was ever born. He won’t take me until my purpose here is fulfilled.
And part of that purpose is to continue being your prayer covering. ”
“But, I would’ve come every day. I, I would’ve stayed longer.” Guilt flooded my mind for every moment I missed with her.
“Exactly. You already spend so much time with me. There’s a life for you outside of the walls of my apartment. I’m sorry I held this from you, but now it’s time for you to know.”
“Mr. Walker, I understand that the word ‘failure’ can sound final, and honestly, in some cases, it is. But your grandmother is one of the strongest patients I’ve ever encountered.
She’s a fighter. This heart attack will slow her down a bit more, but with proper treatment, monitoring, and some lifestyle adjustments, she can be stabilized. ”
“How, how long, doctor?” I asked, looking at him, pleading with my eyes not to lie to me, even though I knew whatever timeframe he said would never be enough.
“That’s an answer I can’t give you, unfortunately.
Mrs. Rose started medication as soon as we discovered the problem a few months ago, and her diet has been altered to lower her salt intake.
With proper care, I’ve seen patients live for years with this condition.
She will fatigue more easily, and after this event, it may be at least a week or two before she starts to feel herself again, longer to fully recover.
But, as she’s told you, she’s not ready yet.
” He had turned his gaze to his patient with a knowing look, no doubt having experienced her stubborn side. I’d never been more grateful for it.
“I do need to see a few more patients. Mrs. Rose, you’ll be here for at least a few more days for observation and medication adjustment.
I’ll check on you daily, and the nurse has my number in case you need anything.
Mr. Walker, it was nice to meet you. Sorry it’s under these circumstances.
I’ve been wanting to meet the man she talks my head off about,” he said jovially.
“Thank you for taking care of her when I couldn’t,” I answered, looking down at the floor.
I heard his shoes squeak out of the room, leaving me alone with Grammy once again. I had so many questions. The need to fuss at her for keeping this from me was superseded by her words earlier.
She knew. Of course, she knew. I hadn’t been able to hide anything from her since childhood. Why two people who loved each other so much felt the need to withhold information nagged at me. Each of us tried not to worry the other, but we missed out on the strength we could give each other.
“I’ll find the best cardiologist in San Diego,” I said, standing up and pacing. “I’ll move you into my house and take care of you. Make sure you get the right meals and take your medications.” I was rambling, and she let me for several minutes.
“What do you intend to do, Mikey? Quit your job?” she guffawed. “I will have everything I need right there at Willowgrove. I’ve already talked to the administration in case things get worse.”
I pushed my hand through my hair and grimaced.
“I just don’t understand. It’s not right, not fair, for you to keep this from me.
Do you know how devastated I’d have been if you didn’t pull through today, only to find out about this afterward?
The regret I’d have to live with?” I held my head in my hands, my temples throbbing at the thought, pain building inside my head.
“Mikey, I know it wasn’t fair. You’re right. I kept trying to find the right time. But it was so clear you were in distress.” She coughed, and I ran to her, grabbing the monstrous keypad, looking for the nurse button.
“Wait, no I don’t need them. Just get me a sip of water. My throat is dry.”
Grateful they’d brought some in earlier, I poured a bit into a cup and raised the top of her bed, helping her take a sip from a straw. Her hands were shaky, and I had to remind myself of what she’d just been through.
When she nodded that she’d had enough, I said quietly, “This isn’t the time for that. You need to rest. I’m sorry I got upset. Forgive me.”
She held onto my forearm. “You have nothing for me to forgive you for, son. The Lord told me you’d confide in me when you were ready. Just know that I’ve been praying for you night and day. Whatever you’re going through, know that you haven’t been alone.”
I knew firsthand how powerful my grandmother’s prayers were.
She could move mountains when she made up her mind, and I cherished her prayer covering over me.
Suddenly, memories flooded my mind—late nights alone at home, fighting darkness that tried to overtake my mind day after day.
But more than anything, I remembered the times when I felt the depression retreat like a defeated enemy.
Visualizing my grandmother praying for me across town, driving away the darkness and covering me in her prayers, made my heart ache.
When I looked into her eyes, she nodded as if she knew exactly what I was picturing.
“Thank you. Thank you, Grammy,” I whispered. I knew this exchange had fatigued her, so I needed to let her rest.
“You’ve never fought this alone, Mikey. He will never leave you.
And as long as I draw breath this side of heaven, I will fight for you with everything I have.
” Her eyes fluttered closed, and a peace descended over me.
For the first time in a while, I felt like I was no longer alone.
Between hearing her say she’d been fighting for me and Ren saying yes to my proposal, the ache in my heart lessened. I prayed it would continue.
The nurse passed by and whispered, “I’m sorry, but she needs to rest now. Visiting hours will open again at six tomorrow morning.”
I wiped my tears and nodded. Kissing Grammy’s hand once more, I stood and left one on her forehead as well.
“Sleep well, my fierce warrior.”