Chapter 18 #2
As if they’d been summoned, my phone blew up with notifications from her three friends.
I texted them in the group chat that she was doing better and should be home in a few days.
I knew we’d have to talk to them about the wedding soon, but I wanted to do it in person.
I shot off a quick text to my neighbor to let Max out since I was sure I’d be late.
Ren stood up when I walked into the waiting room. “Your smile must mean she’s doing well today.”
“She’s still easily fatigued, but she’s in good spirits. Especially when I told her about us.” Ren’s smile widened at my words. “Honestly, I think she knew before I said a word.”
I held the door open for her as we headed back to the elevators.
“That doesn’t surprise me at all. The way she talks about her conversations with God reminds me of my nonnas.
They’re the reason I have a relationship with Him.
I think my parents only went to church out of obligation, but my grandmothers demonstrated His love. ”
I pushed the button to go to the parking lot. “I was lucky in that way. Both my grandparents and parents were my guides. Having gone to church all my life, I understood who God was. I, uh, walked away for a couple of years, but turned my life back around while still in college.”
Knowing I’d have to tell Ren more about those years made me nervous, but it was important for me to share it with her. I swallowed hard as we entered the elevator and prayed for courage and understanding.
The elevator pinged when it got to our floor, and we walked toward my truck in silence as I tried to formulate my words.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Mike. You’re suddenly quiet. I thought Grammy was doing well,” she said, sensing my discomfort. I helped her into the truck, came around to the driver’s side and got in.
I turned the car on to cool off and twisted in my seat to face her.
“Ren, there are things I need to talk to you about, but this isn’t where I’d like to have this discussion,” I said, my heart picking up speed.
She scanned my face, no doubt trying to parse out what I meant. “Is it something that’s going to change our relationship?” she asked softly.
I turned away from her piercing gaze, looked at the floorboard, and nodded. “I’m afraid it might. I should’ve said this to you earlier, I’m realizing now. I feel like I keep messing this up, and I promised you could trust me.”
Ren reached over and touched my forearm. “Take me to the beach then, so we can talk.”
Her voice was resolute and firm, but it held a softness that gave me hope this wouldn’t permanently damage the delicate bond we had.
Picking up her hand, I kissed it gently and turned to face the steering wheel when she pulled it back and sat it in her lap. As I drove to La Jolla, I saw her twisting her hands in her lap, and the knowledge that I might disappoint her, or worse, hurt her, was causing me physical pain.
When we pulled into the parking lot, I saw her body relax as she took a deep breath and looked around. I’d brought her here because she seemed to love this beach, but also because it was close to the cottage if she needed time away from me until we went to dinner later that evening.
She rolled her window down, the warm breeze and loud crashing waves filled the truck. I did the same, and her curls danced around her face. Ren was breathtaking to watch. Her eyes eagerly scanned the horizon, her smile competing with the beauty of our surroundings.
“So beautiful,” I murmured, making her turn to me, pushing back her thick hair behind her ears in an attempt to tame it. She rolled her window up about halfway, so I did the same, as the wind was held at bay.
“Mike, if whatever you need to say has been forgiven, then I can forgive you, too,” she said, looking at me with a compassion that stunned me.
“It has been forgiven a long time ago, but it may still affect our relationship.” I twisted to face her, even though shame had reared its ugly head once again.
“Ren, I lost my way for a couple of years early on in college. I realized back then that I had been going to church all my life because of my family’s strong faith, but it had never really become my faith, my relationship with God, until I was faced with the reality of being out from under their influence.
I struggled with knowing what I believed for myself until I made some big mistakes.
And it’s those mistakes I need to tell you about.
” I ducked my head and took a breath, looking back at her.
“I partied pretty hard, wanting to fit in, I guess, and ended up letting go of what I’d been raised to believe.
As I studied science, I couldn’t reconcile the God I’d grown up believing in with what I was learning in school.
Niko strangely had the opposite experience, but it just didn’t come together for me so easily.
” I slid my hands down my jeans nervously.
“Despite this crisis of faith, I’d kept my promise to myself to stay a virgin until I got married but... ”
Ren’s quick intake of breath made me want to say anything except what I was about to confess, but her gaze was unwavering.
“My friends had been teasing me about not going after a girl who was clearly attracted to me and had been, let’s just say, making her intentions known.
They didn’t know about my promise to wait until marriage, and honestly, I had no idea why I’d kept it that long, since I was so far away from God.
So I asked her out on a date. When it was over, she made it clear she wanted me to come home with her. ”
My chest felt like a band was wrapped around it, making it hard to breathe.
“I thought I’d feel differently afterward,” I said absently, avoiding her eyes.
“But I felt awful when I woke up the next morning.” Ren still hadn’t said anything, which amped up my anxiety.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t keep my promise to God and now to you as my wife. Please forgive me, Ren.”
She looked at me with a shaky smile. “Mike, God has forgiven you, so I know He has given me the ability to as well. We didn’t know each other, but I love that you made that promise even when He wasn’t a part of your life.
I love what Psalm 103 says that our sins are forgiven and forgotten by God, and they are no longer part of our lives now that we have a real relationship with Him.
I know you won’t hold my mistakes over me.
You’ve accepted me with my faults I’ve shared with you and I will do the same for you. ”
“You’re right. None of us is perfect. My father, and now Grammy, has said that to me before, but I still try. It’s something I know I need to work on, and I am, Ren,” I said, my voice faltering.
“Exactly. That’s not a burden He ever intended for us to carry,” she said softly. “I have made so many mistakes. I’ve dealt with pride for a long time, trying to navigate my faith and what my mother raised me to believe.”
“I want to prove your mother wrong. That you can lean on me, even in my imperfections, and doing so doesn’t make you less than for it.” I reached out and held her hand, something I’d wanted to do all day.
Her soft hand was warm in mine and all but disappeared once safely inside it.
She looked me in the eyes, her smile growing as she said, “I want you to know that I’ve kept my promise to God to give my husband the gift of my virginity, Mike. To, ah, to give it to you. We’re nowhere near that yet, but I wanted you to know.”
Hot tears rolled down my face before I could stop them. I didn’t deserve this woman.
“Listen to me. It doesn’t mean I’m any better than you. Please understand that,” she said, pulling my hand to her. Before I could register what she was doing, she’d pulled it up to her pink, full lips, and while she held my gaze, she reverently kissed my knuckles, one at a time.
All time stopped, including my ability to breathe. As her soft lips touched my hands, rough from chemicals and calloused from woodworking, it was as if she were applying a soothing balm to my heart.
“Hear me again, Michael Walker. Whatever we experience going forward in our lives together is just us. You and me,” she said, making my breath stutter in my chest.
Finally finding my voice, I said roughly, pushing through the tumult of emotions, “And I will honor your gift to me, Renata Valenti, for the rest of my life. I will honor you and God with my body, my mind, and my heart.”
She placed my hand down between us. “I know you will.”
I had no idea how long we’d sat there in that holy moment, but when we pulled apart, I felt like a heavy weight had lifted.
We spent what was left of our day riding around San Diego, making a list of all the places I’d show her when we had more time. I couldn’t wait to take her to all my favorite spots.
That evening, we arrived at Vicky and Miles’ house at the same time as Niko and Leyla.
“There’s the happy couple,” Leyla said, hugging us both as soon as we walked in. “Mike, I see you haven’t scared her off.”
Ren laughed and teased, “Not yet.”
Niko and Leyla laughed as we all walked into the kitchen, where Vicky was standing with open arms for Ren. “Mike, you better not mess this up if you know what’s good for you.”
“Why are your women ganging up on me?” I asked Niko and Miles.
Niko put his hands up, not willing to scold his wife even as a joke, and Miles did the same. “Big babies,” I muttered.
Ren had an arm slung around Vicky, and I wished it were me as I watched them laugh at something Leyla whispered. Leyla was trouble, that one.
“Listen. First thing you learn in husband school is ‘happy wife, happy life.’ You’ll find out soon enough,” Miles said, laying out plates for pizza.
“Dude, she looks pretty happy to me,” I said, bringing down glasses from the cabinet as I pointed to my fiancé.
“That’s because I’m about to eat pizza. Nothing to do with you,” she teased.