Chapter Twenty-Eight
Now that I’d been attending Group for almost a year, I truly believed I wouldn’t have survived if I hadn’t taken the first step on that hot, sticky day last summer. The openness and non-judgmental support I had received from everyone I’d met had been life-changing.
I no longer felt uncomfortable sharing my deepest secrets and darkest thoughts. I knew nothing I said would go further than this room. I knew everyone here had secrets that were just as bad, and even worse. I knew I could always count on everyone to listen when I was having a tough time. And the best part was, sometimes, the only thing they did was listen. They all knew that there were times to share, but there were also times to just observe. To hear what someone needed to say without commenting.
This, however, wasn’t one of those times.
“Why are men such selfish jerks?” I glanced around at the five or six guys in the room. “No offence.”
“Not all men are like Ethan,” Corie said patiently. I had just finished telling everyone what had happened at Quinn’s birthday, ending on my triumphant decision to pour the rest of the leftover wine down the sink.
I puffed out an exasperated breath. “I know.” I immediately thought of Luke and then wished I hadn’t. I hadn’t talked to him in person for weeks and the only time we’d texted had been about the Stag and Doe.
“Okay.” I changed tack. “Why are selfish jerks always attracted to me? Do I exude some sort of scent that says I’m game for being an accomplice if a man is in the mood to cheat?”
Some dude snorted and covered up his mouth.
“Maybe you attract those kinds of guys because that’s all you think you deserve,” Jenn said quietly and then lowered her eyes when everyone else looked her way.
“What do you mean?” I asked, my voice soft.
She looked up hesitantly. Jenn had been back at Group for about a month but still hadn’t worked up the courage to talk about her relapse. In fact, I’m pretty sure these were the first words she’d uttered since she’d returned.
“Go ahead, Jenn.” Corie gave her an encouraging smile.
Jenn’s eyes flickered to mine and then back at her hands, tightly clasped in her lap. “Well,” she started. “For me, as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted was for a guy to like me. I was so desperate to be wanted that I didn’t care what kind of man I attracted. And after a few bad experiences, and several alcohol-fuelled poor choices, I started thinking that maybe the bad men were the only ones I deserved. The ones who wanted to cheat. The ones who just wanted sex. Who treated you like useless garbage.” She lifted her chin and met my eyes. “Maybe when nice guys show you they like you, you don’t believe them. So you either ignore them or you push them away. Maybe you’re like me.”
“That’s actually pretty common for women who struggle with alcoholism,” Corie said. “Men who are ‘selfish jerks’, as you put it, often have strong personalities and seem like they’re in control of their lives. When you feel your life is out of control, sometimes that’s what you crave.”
“That kind of makes sense,” I said and Jenn nodded.
“But once you’ve figured that out,” Corie continued, “you can be more aware of it and learn to see the toxic traits earlier, eventually avoiding those traits from the beginning. It’s a big step. And it’s something to always pay attention to.” She looked at both of us, her expression stern but kind. “And no one deserves to be treated like that. No matter what you’ve done, no matter what you’ve been through. Above all else, I hope you’re both learning that from this group.”
I smiled at Jenn who smiled back, and this time the smile lit her eyes.
As the rest of the group shared, I gave this some thought. What both women had said made sense. I hadn’t slept with a guy since I’d stopped drinking, and when Ethan had flirted and grabbed my hand after the party, I hadn’t told him to stop. I hadn’t told him that what he was doing was inappropriate. I had thought he was just leading me in the direction I’d wanted to go. The direction I’d been taking my whole adult life. One that was initially satisfying but ultimately led nowhere.
But in the end, I did take control. I stopped it. As soon as I learned he was with someone else, I shut it down. And that was a big step. A big step for me anyways. I stopped it because not only did I have a clear head and know it was wrong, I also knew I didn’t want to be with someone who could so easily be unfaithful.
I finally believed I deserved better than being a man’s fantasy. And I knew exactly what I was going to do about it.