Chapter Twenty-Nine
“Holy crap, Julie, what did you do?” Kate met me at her door, eyes wide, hand clasping her chest like she was about to have a heart attack.
“Thanks, I’m glad you like it,” I said dryly as I slipped past her, set Marty gently on the floor, and shrugged off my spring jacket. I had come to accept the fact that I was now one of those women who carried their small dogs with them everywhere they went.
“What happened?” Ben walked into the living room. “Oh my God.” He stopped in his tracks when he saw me. “Are you…are you okay? What happened? Are you…did you…?”
“I am not now nor was I drunk when I made this decision.” I hung up my coat. “And while I can understand why you would think that, I’m still almost twelve months sober. And honestly, I wouldn’t mind a bit of support here.”
I stared at them both, trying to put on a brave face. At the time, the decision had seemed, while maybe slightly rash, a perfect step forward to celebrate my personal growth.
Kate, instead, started crying.
“Why are you crying?” I asked, walking over to give her a hug. “I’m the one who cut off all my hair.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you.” She sobbed onto my shoulder. “I know I’ve been busy and now obviously something horrible has happened and I wasn’t there to give you any support.”
I gave her a squeeze and then held her at arm’s length. “Kate, I’m fine. And honestly, a reaction like yours is one of the reasons why I cut it. Why is it so shocking when a woman cuts her hair, or stops dying her hair, or changes her look in any way? Men don’t get shit for shaving their beards, or going grey, or gaining a few pounds.”
“But it was so pretty.” Kate sniffed, reaching down to pet Marty, who appeared to be very concerned about her tears.
“Exactly. I’m tired of hiding behind my hair. There’s more to me than long blonde hair. I don’t want to be judged purely on what I look like anymore. I have other things to offer.”
“I think it looks great.” Ben walked over in two strides and pulled me in for a tight hug. “And I’m so happy to hear you say that. It’s something I’ve always wished you could see about yourself. You are beautiful, good genes run in this family.” He laughed. “But you’re also funny and smart and kind and caring. I’m glad you’re starting to see that too.” He stepped back and examined my newly shorn pixie cut. “I like it. It actually suits your personality more than the long hair did.”
“Sharp and shocking?” I joked.
“No,” Kate said. “Fun and flirty. Bold and bright. Ben’s right, it does suit you.” She reached out and touched the top, still a bit unsure. “I’m sorry I lost my shit a bit.”
“A bit?” I laughed.
“I just thought something had happened, you know, like you pulled a Felicity. I do like it now that I’m getting over the shock.” She grinned. “Are you sure nothing happened?”
“Well.” I sat on the couch. “Something did happen, but it wasn’t that terrible. It was more of a wakeup call than anything.”
Kate perched on the couch beside me and Ben curled up in the overstuffed armchair. I told them about Ethan and the flirting. I told them about the night of the party, and then I told them about my decision to cut my hair after I went to Group.
“I slept on it,” I said. “And after I woke up, it was still what I wanted to do.”
“The mistake with Ethan wasn’t your fault.” Kate frowned. “It sounds like he knew exactly what he was doing.”
Ben nodded, arms crossed. “What a jackass,” he said under his breath.
“I know,” I said. “I know it wasn’t my fault this time. And I know I didn’t deserve to be treated like I was just around to entertain some clueless man who was bored with his girlfriend. I honestly think Ethan was placed in my path to help me finally see that.”
Kate’s eyes filled with tears again. “You’ve come so far this last year, Julie. I’m glad you’re finally seeing what everyone else sees. You are so much more to me than my ‘pretty best friend.’ Now you know why we love you so much.”
I dabbed my eyes with the corner of my sleeve. I knew how lucky I was to have such great people love me.
It was time I started to love myself just as much.
I will admit, after Kate’s reaction, I was a bit nervous about going into work on Monday morning with my new hair and subsequent “fuck it” attitude. What would people say? Would they say anything? Would someone tell me I looked much younger with my hair longer and “why would I do something like that to myself” like the barista at Starbucks?
At 7:30 a.m. I decided I might as well get it over with. I grabbed my denim jacket from the closet, checked the mirror by the door, smoothed some stray hairs behind my ears and stepped out into the cool morning, Marty trotting happily behind me. “You don’t care what I look like, do you?” I said as he bounded into the car, ready for a day of eating scraps off the office kitchen floor. “I wish more humans were like dogs.” Marty licked my nose in agreement, jumped into the back seat, turned around three times and snuggled into his blanket.
I breathed in the crisp, dewy air and smiled. I loved spring. And while it wasn’t quite warm enough for the trees to start budding or for the flowers to wake up, the snow was gone and everything smelled fresh and clean. Winter had washed away all the crap from the year before and everything was new again, ready to be reborn.
Just like me,I thought.
I climbed the two flights of stairs at the office with a bit of a skip in my step, ready to face whatever shocked looks and sentiments my short, “unfeminine” hair elicited. I pulled open the heavy oak door, set down Marty who took off like a shot, and walked into the empty lobby, head up, confident, ready to take on the shit-talkers.
No one was there.
Fine. This was just fine actually. I hadn’t admitted it to myself, but I was also nervous about seeing Ethan for the first time since I’d told him to get the fuck out of my house. I had a plan for that too though; I would just need to stick to my guns. I had firmly decided that I would be in control of our ‘relationship’ moving forward. No longer would I be waiting to see what a man did first and follow along. Today was the day I started taking my power back.
I didn’t have to wait long.
Ethan walked in just seconds after I sat down, dazzling smile at the ready. It was almost comical how quickly it disappeared after he registered that it was, in fact, me sitting behind the desk.
“Jesus Christ, Julie, what did you do to your hair?” Apparently, he was so shocked he couldn’t even pretend he liked it.
I smiled sweetly and ran my fingers through it. “Oh this? It was time for a change.”
“It looks….”
I laughed at what appeared to be him struggling to choke out a positive word. “Different.” He finally landed on.
“Thanks. That was the intent.”
He nodded. “Right.” He touched his hair and walked slowly up to my desk, perhaps scared that I would leap over it with some scissors and cut off his own cherished locks.
“So.” He leaned on the desk and shot me a wide, toothy grin, seemingly recovered from the hair trauma. “About Friday night. No hard feelings, right? I mean, it was just a misunderstanding. I’m game to pretend it never happened if you are. Still friends?” He tipped his head and looked at me with his soft blue eyes.
I held his gaze without blinking. “No.”
His grin momentarily faltered and his head jerked back. “What do you mean no?”
“I mean no,” I said, firm and unsmiling. “No, we cannot just pretend it didn’t happen and, no, we’re not still friends.”
His eyes narrowed in confusion.
“What you did was not cool,” I continued. “I don’t care if you’re in an unhappy relationship; cheating on your girlfriend is not cool. Deciding that you’re attracted to me and then acting on it without regard for anyone else involved is not cool. Bringing me into whatever bullshit mess your life is without my consent is not cool. And, most importantly, thinking that I would just go along with it, thinking that I would jump at the chance to sleep with you without caring about the consequences because that’s just the kind of person I am is not cool at all.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but I held up my hand, not finished.
“I will, however,” I continued, my voice steady and calm, “grant you the undeserved courtesy of keeping this to myself because we work together and because I’m an adult. But moving forward, we will maintain a professional relationship only. I will be friendly and cordial to you at work so we don’t cause any drama, but no matter how friendly I am, don’t ever make the mistake of thinking we are friends. I don’t like you. I don’t respect you. You have lost all of my trust and it would be a grave error to think that you will ever win it back.” I paused and settled into my chair. “Understood?”
“But—” he started.
“No, Ethan. This is how it’s going to be. Nothing you say will change that. Understood?” I said again.
He stood up, shoulders sagging, a scowl forming on his handsome face. “Fine. Understood.” He sighed. “Would it help to say I was sorry?”
“Nope.”
He nodded and walked away.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so proud of you.” A whisper behind me made me jump.
“Oh shit, you heard that?” I said as Quinn walked up and gave me a hug.
“Don’t worry; I won’t tell anyone. I am so, so proud of you.” She squeezed even tighter. “And I’m so sorry.” She released me from her bear-like grip. “Are you okay? Ethan is such an ass.”
I smiled. “Yes, he is. And I’m fine actually. More than fine. This is the first time I’ve ever stood up for myself like that. The first time I’ve felt like I deserved more than sleeping with someone and pretending it didn’t happen. I honestly feel pretty good about it.”
“I’m glad you finally see that,” she said. “You deserve so much more; you always have. And, holy crap, I absolutely love your hair. It looks great on you. You look like you just walked off the cover of Vogue. Absolutely gorgeous!”
“Thanks.” I smiled and touched the side, still getting used to the feel of the rough edges beneath my fingers. It was funny, I had finally gotten the reaction to my hair that I’d been hoping for, but I felt the same. I liked my hair. I thought it looked good. And, right now, that was all that really mattered.