Chapter Thirty
Two months ago
It was the day before the Stag and Doe, it was midnight, and I was still awake. As I waited at my kitchen table for Luke to email me the final wedding seating chart so I could proof it before it went to the venue, I laid my head down, cradled in the crook of my arms. I was tired. And sad. I wished we were meeting in person. It was much more fun staying up until midnight when you had someone to share your exhaustion with. Now it was just lonely.
I watched the minutes flip by on the bottom corner of my laptop and marvelled at how things had changed so dramatically over the past couple of years. Staying up until midnight, or much later, never used to faze me in the slightest. Two years ago, on a weeknight, it wouldn’t have been unthought-of to be finishing off my first bottle of wine, waiting for my Tinder selection of the night to show up.
Since I’d sobered up, since I’d gained a better understanding of why I’d drunk so much, I’d started wondering if meaningless sex was part of the toxic pattern. Was it just something else I had been using for comfort? Something else I’d been using to cover up the pain? I’d always felt so powerful when men had wanted me. Had I actually been giving up my power in exchange?
Until I’d told Luke about the rape, I hadn’t considered that I might not have properly processed such a defining moment in my past. I’d always thought it was something I’d asked for. If I hadn’t been flirting. If I hadn’t been drunk. If I had just left earlier. If. If. If.
I hadn’t realized how one terrible night could affect the rest of my life.
My phone dinged with a new email and my heart fluttered in my chest. I smiled as I woke up my computer screen and Luke’s name popped up. What a difference a sober year and a clear mind can make.
I couldn’t put my finger on what I was feeling the night of the Stag and Doe. Nervous? Excited? Both? Luke had been so busy that I hadn’t seen him in weeks. I hadn’t seen him since I’d almost had sex with Ethan.
I had really missed him though. Had he been missing me? Would we just start seeing each other less and less now? My stomach churned at the thought. And there was also the issue of my hair. As much as I loved it, and as much as I didn’t want to care about what other people thought, it was hard not to be nervous when most people’s reactions had been either shock or disappointment. Marc had come right out and asked why I’d done it. “It makes you look way older,” he’d said as if he was doing me a favour.
I was happy that Quinn loved it. And not fake loved it like a lot of people attempted. Every time she saw me her eyes lit up. “I love your hair so much!” she would exclaim. “It’s so perfect for your face.”
What would Luke think? I ran my hand over my scalp, smoothing it down, brushing the bangs across my forehead. I wasn’t used to being this nervous before seeing someone. I didn’t like it.
I’d had a hard time choosing my outfit for the night. What did a forty-five-year-old woman wear to a night of karaoke? Especially if that woman didn’t like karaoke. The only thing worse than watching a room full of drunken people sing-yelling ’90s pop songs all night was watching it when you were sober.
I looked at myself in the mirror, pulling the waist up on my boot-cut jeans and smoothing a short-sleeved cream-coloured sweater over my hips. My jeans had gotten a bit tighter over the past year, but, surprisingly, I didn’t care anymore. Having an excuse to buy new clothes certainly wasn’t a bad thing, especially now that I was making a steady income.
I smiled at my reflection, and enlightened eyes stared back at me. A year ago, if my jeans were getting too tight, I would have starved myself, never eating, getting all my calories from wine. But now? Now it didn’t bother me. If someone didn’t like me because I’d gained a bit of weight or cut my hair that was their loss. The people I surrounded myself with provided me with all the unconditional love and support I would ever need. That was what was important to me now.
The karaoke extravaganza was in full swing at Sparky’s when I got there; the lights were low and everyone was shouting out the words to “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,”much to the displeasure of the two singers who had clearly wanted to put on their Meatloaf show without the assistance of the audience. Thank God I’d come in close to the end of the song. Every time I’d been forced to go to karaoke, there was always someone who wanted to sing the longest song in all of human history, and every time it was my least favourite part of the night.
I looked around the room—the lights from the neon “Molson Canadian Rocks” signs reflected off golden banisters and illuminated Saskatchewan Roughrider and Pilsner Beer pennants adorning the wood paneling. I quickly spotted our table as it was the biggest and rowdiest in the pub. The only one full of middle-aged men and women away from their kids and out past bedtime. Ben waved me over, a huge grin lighting up his face. The mere fact that he looked like he was having a blast made me smile. This was why I had come. Despite being one of the shyest people I knew, Ben killed at his newfound karaoke passion. It had only taken him forty-seven years to find his jam.
“You made it!” he said and gave me a sweaty hug. “You just missed my excellent rendition of ‘Funky Cold Medina.’”
“Aw, that’s unfortunate,” I said in a way that made it clear that I didn’t think it was unfortunate at all.
“Come sit.” He pulled out an empty chair beside someone in a familiar plaid shirt.
Luke was deep in conversation with a petite woman who was leaning so far forward I could only see her cleavage. Had Luke brought a date?
“Kate’s in the washroom.” Ben pointed as he sat down.
I had just turned in the direction he had pointed to see if Kate was on her way back when I heard a familiar voice squeal my name. Or, at least, the version of my name I disliked the most.
“Julsie! Is that you? Holy shit, what did you do to your hair?”
Ugh. Now I knew who Luke was talking to.
I turned around, trying unsuccessfully to hide an already formed scowl. “Hi Marnie.”
She stared at me, stunned. So stunned, in fact, that she had stopped scrolling through her phone and was giving me her full attention. “Seriously, what happened to your hair? Like, did you lose a bet or something?”
“No, Marnie, I cut it on purpose.” I tucked a short piece behind my ears, trying not to look at Luke’s expression, trying to pretend this experience wasn’t completely horrifying.
“I like it,” Luke finally said, nudging her arm, probably trying to get her to close her mouth, which had dropped and stayed open.
“Oh, sorry,” she said, misinterpreting the nudge. “Have you met Luke?” She placed her hand on his knee.
“No, I haven’t had the pleasure. Luke, is it?” I joked, holding out my hand, ignoring where Marnie’s hand was placed, ignoring the fact that she looked young and fresh and comfortably perfect sitting next to Luke.
He smiled and stood. “Hi Julie.”
“Oh my God, duh.” Marnie crossed her slim legs and her tight dress slid up her thighs. “I totally forgot about Christmas Eve. And aren’t you guys planning the wedding together or something? How is that going anyways?”
“It’s going well, thanks,” I said as she stood up and walked away, my voice trailing after her. “How are you?” I said to Luke. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”
Luke tugged on his left ear, something I’d learned he did when he was nervous. I was glad I wasn’t the only one. “I’m good.” He turned his head, looking for Marnie, and then turned back to me. “And you?” he said as if it was an afterthought.
Cool. I’m so glad this wasn’t awkward.
“I’m good. Staying out of trouble.” I smiled. “I see you’re hanging out with my best friend, Marnie.” I pointed towards one of the large speakers, upon which Marnie was now dancing to Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” while the karaoke host gestured wildly for her to descend.
“She’s actually not that bad,” he said. “We’ve been having a great conversation.”
“You’ve been having a great conversation with Marnie?”
Luke turned at the sound of his name. “Come help me down!” Marnie shouted.
“Please tell me you’re not going to help her,” I said. “There are three men right there who seem to be willing to help her with anything she needs.” It wasn’t lost on me that my sour attitude might have been coming from just a wee bit of resentment. It wasn’t that long ago that it would have been me up there, youthful and vibrant, eating up all the attention. Had I been that annoying though? It suddenly hit me that I probably had been.
“Of course I’m going to help her,” Luke said. “I’m not going to leave her in the company of strange men after she’s had too much to drink.”
I watched him as he strode over purposefully, wrapped his strong hands around her waist, and gently lifted her down. I couldn’t help but wonder where I would be now if I’d had someone like that to take care of me when I was her age.
I sighed, trying to ignore the envy that had settled in my stomach. As I glanced around, silently begging someone to come save me from standing there like a jilted lover, I spied Kate walking back to the table out of the corner of my eye.
“Julie! I’m so glad you’re here.” She pulled me in for a hug. “I’ve signed us both up to do Shania. ‘Any Man of Mine.’ And you have to do it. Because it’s my party.”
Perfect.
The rest of the night wasn’t terrible. But I wouldn’t go as far as to say it was fun. Our table dominated the karaoke floor, with Ben and Kate singing two songs each and a combo. Luke did a couple of songs, including a not bad version of “Sweet Caroline.” Marnie, while not a bad singer, failed miserably while trying to make Kesha’s “C’mon” into a sultry rap, which she directed at Luke.
The whole Marnie and Luke thing wouldn’t have bothered me so much if Luke and I were still as close as we used to be. I mean, to each their own, right? If Luke liked Marnie, so be it. She was pretty and bubbly. And probably fun to hang out with, who knows? She wasn’t the smartest person in the world, but being able to carry on a conversation about anything other than celebrities wasn’t everything. It wasn’t like I had any girlfriend-type claim on him. What I really missed was selfishly having Luke to myself.
“Are you okay with this?” Kate asked as the night started winding down. She gestured in the direction of Luke and Marnie, whose heads were almost touching in conversation.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I tried to arrange my face into a convincing look of apathy.
“I don’t know.” Kate shrugged. “I kind of thought you and Luke might have had something going on. You seemed to have a great connection, but you barely even talked tonight.”
“Nope.” I shoved my hands in my back pockets. “It probably seemed that way because we were thrown together to plan your wedding and we had that in common. Now that it’s almost here, we don’t really have anything to talk about.”
“You just seemed so good together.” Kate’s eyes were searching mine.
I shrugged. “Luke and I are friends. And even if I did have feelings for Luke, which I don’t”—I raised my eyebrow as Kate looked at me sceptically—“he has a daughter. Whoever he ends up with has to be someone who would be a good mother to her.”
“Someone like Marnie?” Kate laughed.
“Hopefully not,” I smiled. “But if that’s what Luke wants….”
“I’m pretty sure that’s not what Luke wants.” Kate zipped up her coat. “He was looking at you all night. If you had been paying more attention to him instead of trying to kill Marnie with your facial expression, you might have noticed.”
“I’m sure you’re mistaken,” I said as I shrugged my denim jacket on. “They looked pretty inseparable to me.” I walked towards the door. “And that’s totally fine.”
“Julie.” Kate pulled on my arm and I turned around.
“What?”
“Why are you fighting this so hard?” she asked.
“Fighting what?” I tried to look innocent but immediately gave up, knowing Kate could read me like a book. “I’m not fighting. I’m just accepting. It’s too late for anything else.”
As we’d been talking, the lights had flickered on in the pub and people had started leaving. Our table was the only one left and the karaoke host was looking at us like we could go any time now, please.
Kate looped her arm through mine as she pushed open the door and we walked outside. “I don’t think it’s too late,” she said. “I think you should talk to him.”
She gestured towards the door as it opened one last time and Marnie bounced out, followed by Luke carrying her purse.
“Luke, can I talk to you for a second?” I blurted without thinking.
He opened his mouth to speak and was interrupted by Marnie yelling from her car, wondering where her keys were.
“She’s not driving, is she?” I asked. “She’s probably over the limit.”
“No.” Luke pulled her keys out of her purse and pushed the button on the key fob so she could get inside. “Can we talk another time? Marnie’s waiting for me.”
“Oh. Okay, sure.” I stepped back out of his way. “Are you…are you guys…?”
“See you Saturday,” he said over his shoulder as he quickly walked towards Marnie’s car.
Kate waved at Luke and turned back to me. “His loss,” she said as I tried to arrange the hurt on my face back to what I hoped was something more neutral.
“Exactly.” I slipped my hands into my jacket pockets, the cool of the spring evening biting at my fingertips. “Like I said, it’s too late.”
My shoulders slumped slightly as what I had just said started to resonate. If this was the case, and especially if he was with someone else, maybe I should just cut the cord. Sure, I would miss Luke’s friendship, but I had other friends. I had Quinn. I had Ben and Kate. I had Group. If I really wanted to prove I had my life together, maybe choosing my own well-being over something that was never meant to be was the healthiest path to take.
“See you on Saturday?” Kate called as I made my way to my car.
I stopped and turned back, forcing a smile, willing my voice to produce even a modicum of joy. “Of course. My two favourite people in the world are getting married. I can’t wait.”
Kate bounced on her toes and then turned to join Ben who was waiting in the car.
I unlocked my car door and slid in, throat tight with the unshed tears of a difficult decision made. All I needed to do was get through Saturday I told myself as I pulled out of the parking lot.
And then I could start the process of removing Luke from my life for good.