Chapter Thirty-Three
The clock struck midnight.
It was June 4th.
I had officially been sober for one year.
But the only person I wanted to celebrate with had left the wedding an hour ago with Marnie.
“They’re not together,” Ben had said, his arm around me for brotherly support after he and Kate had given me congratulatory hugs.
“They sure look like they are.”
“They’re not,” he reaffirmed. “Trust me.”
And so here I was. Trusting Ben. Standing on Luke’s doorstep at 12:30 a.m. Hoping the door wasn’t answered by Marnie in her underwear and one of Luke’s plaid shirts.
The door opened and there stood Luke, still dressed in his suit pants, tie loose around his neck. Still looking handsome. Still one of my best friends.
“Hey,” he said, face questioning.
“Hi. Sorry, I know it’s late. I hope I didn’t wake Hannah.”
“She’s at her grandma’s. With your dog, remember?” Luke looked behind him and then back at me. “Are you okay?”
I looked over his shoulder. “Do you have company? Is Marnie…?”
“No. Marnie is not here. Why would you think that?” He sounded irritated. Maybe this had been a mistake.
“You just…you left with her so I was…I thought….”
“Well, you thought wrong.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I drove her home. She wanted to call an Uber, but I didn’t trust one to get her there. She’d had a lot of champagne.”
“Oh.” I looked down at my shoes. “That was kind of you.”
“Did you want to come in? It’s a bit chilly out.” He stepped back and I walked through the door. I breathed in the familiar comforting smell of his home—coffee and cinnamon with a touch of lavender air freshener—and a lump formed in my throat. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it.
“Is that why you drove her home from the Stag and Doe?” I asked as I slipped off my heels.
“Yeah. Same thing.” He sat on the couch and gestured for me to do the same. “It’s not safe for women who have drunk a lot to be out on their own.” He looked at me knowingly, which, to be honest, stung just a bit.
But it was true. I, more than anyone, should have known that. My throat tightened with shame as I realized how judgmental I’d been towards Marnie. Thinking the same things about her that other people used to think about me. All of a sudden, I knew why I didn’t like her. It was because she reminded me so much of how I used to be. All the parts I hadn’t liked about myself. All of the parts that were once so broken. That poor girl, I thought. I wonder what kinds of things she’s been hiding.
“So, is that why you’re here?” He propped his elbow up on the back of the couch and rested his head in his hand. “To talk about why I’ve been driving Marnie home?”
“No.” I smiled. “I just wanted to tell you what a great job you did as co-planner. The wedding was perfect. Kate and Ben are very happy.” I nodded and stood up like I’d completed my mission as planned. Now he knew. Now I could go.
He didn’t move. “You came all the way over here, at 12:30 in the morning, in your bridesmaid’s dress, to tell me that I did a great job of co-planning.” It was more of a statement than a question.
I shrugged. “Yeah. I wanted to let you know right away. I thought it was important.”
“Okay then.” He sat back on the couch, eyes twinkling. “Nice of you to stop by.”
I padded over to the door in my bare feet and reached down for one of my impossibly high heels. “Also,” I added, “it’s my anniversary. I’ve been sober for one year. I thought you’d like to know.”
He jumped up and gave me a hug. “That’s so great, Julie. Congratulations. I knew you could do it.”
“Thanks.” I pulled away and looked down. “I couldn’t have done it without your support.”
He nodded. I nodded. He nodded again. This was so awkward.
“Fine,” I sighed out in a puff of exasperation. “You win. I didn’t come over just to tell you that you did a good job and about my sobriety anniversary.” This was infinitely harder than I had thought it would be.
“Why did you come then?” he asked softly.
I struggled to raise my eyes to meet his, holding my hands against my thighs so he wouldn’t see them shaking. I cleared my throat. “I missed you.” I pushed the statement out with the force of a cough. “I missed you,” I said again, this time softer.
His eyes softened into a deep emerald. “I missed you too.” His voice was like sandpaper, his words catching on the rough edges.
“Now what?” I said after a stretch of silence. “I don’t know how to do this.”
He stepped towards me and my stomach fluttered. “What do you want, Julie?”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head. But I did know.
“Well, I know what I want.” The way he looked at me. The hope, the longing, it made my legs weak.
“Tell me,” I whispered.
He moved in closer and grabbed my hand, swallowing it up like a protective shell. “I think you know.”
“Tell me anyways.”
He chuckled and shook his head, used to giving in to my indulgences. He stepped forward one more time, closing the gap between us. Our thighs touched and a jolt of electricity shot through my body.
Run. I thought immediately. Run before you get in too deep.
But I didn’t run. I followed as he pulled me over to the couch to sit down.
“Do you know why I’ve been keeping my distance for the past few months?” he asked.
“Well, I thought it was because you were with Marnie.”
“I’m not with Marnie.” He held up his hands in protest.
“I know,” I said. “I thought that’s what it was. But now I don’t know. I guess maybe you were mad because I pulled away a bit after the night we kissed?”
“Jesus, Julie, no,” he exclaimed, his expression a mixture of alarm and outrage. “Of course I wasn’t mad. I would never expect you to do something you weren’t comfortable with. I’m honestly a bit offended that you would think that.” He shook his head.
“Sorry. Habit, I guess. What was it then?” I asked. “Is it that you don’t want to be with me?”
He leaned in and grabbed my other hand. “Julie, I respected your decision that night. If you didn’t want to take our relationship any further, I wasn’t going to pressure you. But that didn’t mean I didn’t want to. So, keeping my distance was more for self-preservation than anything else. I do want to be with you. I can’t stop thinking about you. No matter how hard I’ve tried. You are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. You dominate my thoughts; you dominate my life, Julie, even when you’re not around…especially when you’re not around.”
As he spoke and his hands held mine, my body relaxed for the first time in what felt like forever, his words wrapping around me like a hug.
But I also felt something else. His words filled my heart, but our proximity—our thighs together and his hands squeezing mine—caused my whole body to hum. I was almost shaking with how much I wanted him. And that scared the crap out of me.
“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.
He laughed softly. “You’re not the easiest person to read, Julie. At the beginning, I didn’t know if you felt the same way. In fact, at the beginning, it was pretty clear that you hated me.”
“I didn’t hate you.” I smiled. “I just thought you were annoying.”
“Thanks for clarifying.” The corner of his mouth pulled into a wry grin. “But,” he continued, his face suddenly serious, “after the night at the field, when I thought you might feel something other than annoyance, I didn’t want to push anything because of your past. I didn’t want to come on too strong and scare you away. And, if I’m being honest, I didn’t know what I wanted to do either. I had to be logical. I had to think of Hannah.” His eyes flickered down, touching on my lips. “However, logic aside, you have no idea how much I wanted to kiss you that night.”
Heat flushed my cheeks. Could he tell that I couldn’t breathe? “I think I do know.”
He reached up and cupped my face, the tips of his fingers brushing my hair. I leaned against its warmth and closed my eyes. Feeling safe. Feeling like I could finally let go.
“I thought you might.” He smiled. “But when I finally realized I couldn’t get you out of my head, I didn’t want to pressure you. I wanted to wait until you were ready.”
I opened my eyes and met his. “And then when you thought I was ready, when we kissed in your kitchen….”
He nodded, bringing his hand down to his lap. “You ran away. Which is fine, like I said, I didn’t want to pressure you. But, after that, I was….”
“Confused,” I finished.
He nodded. “Yes. I had thought we had something, a strong connection. But then I thought maybe I’d been wrong.”
“You weren’t wrong.” I leaned forward and our foreheads touched, our lips so close we were breathing as one.
“You are an amazing woman, Julie,” he said. “So smart and so strong.”
I laughed softly. “I guess now that I cut my hair, I need to get used to no longer being described by how I look. I can live with that.”
“Well, that’s where you’re wrong,” he said, his thumb brushing my lower lip, sending shivers down my spine. “To me you’ve never been more beautiful.” His hand slid around to the back of my neck, his fingers sliding across the wisps of hair.
And that was it. I made my decision. I closed my eyes as he tipped up my chin with the crook of his finger. I softened into the safety and the warmth of his touch. I completely gave in.
And then he kissed me.
I didn’t know it could be like this.
I didn’t know I could feel this way. Letting go so completely, connecting without words, bodies moving as one, not thinking, just doing.
I had done this so many times, slept with so many men, but it had never been like this.
With Luke, I wasn’t pretending; I wasn’t performing; I wasn’t acting out his fantasy, moaning and writhing, playing the part.
With Luke, I was real and I was alive and I was experiencing everything with the newness of just waking up. I was only me, all of me, right at this moment, and it was the freest I’d ever felt.
When his mouth brushed my skin, my senses sizzled, the nerve endings still buzzing well after his lips had moved on. He was so confident and sure, his hands instinctively finding the spots that made me lose all sense of reality.
When he pulled off his shirt and I ran my hands down his arms, I knew that I had never wanted anyone so badly. Was it because I had never cared for anyone so much?
“God, Julie,” he whispered as I unzipped my dress and let it slide from my shoulders.
He cupped my face in his hand and slid his lips across my neck, his tongue finding the spot behind my ear that instantly made me shudder. I sighed as his fingers lightly skimmed the bare skin on my thigh and then, with an urgency that matched my own, he pulled me in closer, skin against skin, the combined heat of our bodies almost too much to handle.
I lay back on the couch, quickly pulling him down, gasping for air, needing his mouth on mine so I could breathe again. The passion was intense, the yearning palpable. I thought of nothing but could feel everything.
“Is this okay?” Luke pushed himself up with his hands, his dark eyes searching mine.
I nodded, almost drunk with desire, wanting him to settle and close the gap; missing him in the space that his upper body once filled.
“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”
“I’m sure,” I whispered, sliding my hand down his chest.
A soft groan escaped his lips and he closed his eyes, pressing against me, sliding his hand down to meet mine.
And then I lost myself completely.
The soft sounds of chirping birds greeted me as I slipped back into reality. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d stayed up long enough to welcome the sun. I breathed a sigh of contentment as I snuggled closer into Luke’s warmth, my head resting on his chest, the coarse hair tickling my cheek.
As my head cleared and my breath steadied, a soft tinge of unease vibrated in my belly. As much as I had wanted this, as much as I had loved every second of it, had giving in to what I’d craved been the right choice? As someone who had for the better part of her life only lived for pleasure, never caring about the consequences, it was still often difficult to be confident in my own intent. Did I do this just for me? Only wanting to satisfy myself? Now that we’d slept together, what came next?
And then it happened. I got the answer I was looking for.
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” Luke whispered and then gently kissed the top of my head.
I froze.
“You don’t have to say anything back,” he said after it was clear I wasn’t going to. “I just wanted you to know.” He chuckled. “Hannah is going to be so thrilled to find you here when she gets home. She won’t stop talking about you. We still have a couple of hours before she arrives though,” he said as he ran his fingers down the length of my arm. “I bet we could think of something to do to fill the time.”
I made a noncommittal noise, my arm now numb to his touch. There was so much going on in my head I couldn’t think straight. Luke was falling in love with me. Hannah would want me to stay. This was too much to deal with, too much that I would be responsible for.
What had started as an amazing night between me and Luke, with only the unknown before us, had quickly evolved into so much more. Could I barrel into this headfirst, throw caution to the wind, baggage and all? Could I risk hurting the greatest, kindest, most amazing man I’d ever known? Could I risk hurting an innocent little girl? Just to get what I wanted?
Failing at a relationship and hurting myself was one thing, but when there were more people involved, people I truly cared about, it became much more real. Sticking around just to see what happened didn’t seem fair. Old Julie would have thrown caution to the wind. She wouldn’t have thought twice about taking what she wanted; she wouldn’t have cared about the casualties. She would have only thought about herself.
I knew I wasn’t that woman anymore, but I still had a sinking feeling that Luke deserved more than I could offer. Maybe Quinn had been right. No matter what I changed my story to, maybe I would always veer in the direction of self-sabotage.
I couldn’t live with myself if Luke followed me down that path. I had to stop this. I had to save him.
“Look, Luke.” I turned, forcing my face into an expression of apathy. Ready to give the talk I’d practiced on random men for so many years. “This was great, but you know me, I don’t really want to be tied down.”
His face fell and my heart broke.
“What…really?” he stuttered, confusion softening his features. “But I thought….”
I cleared my throat and stood up, tugging on my underwear, picking my dress up off the floor and slipping it on. “I’m sorry. I guess I thought you understood me better than this.” I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t bear to see how much I was hurting him.
“So, you mean…you mean…for you, last night was just….” He couldn’t finish. His voice caught in his throat.
“Yes.” I swallowed and forced the next words over the lump that had started to form. “It was just sex.” I sat back down, wanting desperately for this to be over but unable to actually leave. “I mean, it was great sex, but I don’t really think you and I would be a good match for a relationship. I would just prefer to stay friends, if that’s okay.” I tried to stretch my lips into a smile, but they wouldn’t cooperate.
“But why?” he choked out. “Why did you do it when you knew how I felt?”
I finally looked up. Looked into eyes so full of pain that I almost doubled over. I did this, I thought. I made him feel like this. I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to tell him I was wrong. I wanted to run into his arms and feel them wrap around me, forgiving me for doubting. I wanted to say I was sorry for hurting him and that I would never do it again. But instead I said, “I’m sorry if I misled you.”
I could see the flash in his eyes the second his heart broke and I forced mine closed so he couldn’t see the same thing reflected back at him. I knew this was it. I could never go back.
“I think you should leave,” he whispered.
I nodded, stood up and stumbled over to the door, the sorrow so heavy in my heart it hurt to move.
I could feel him watching me while I tried to put on my shoes, gave up, and grabbed them, ready to walk to the car in my bare feet, hoping Janet would be awake so I could pick up Marty.
“Say bye to Hannah for me?” I held his eyes until he looked away, his lips pulled into a tight line. Lips that had softly touched mine a lifetime ago.
He didn’t respond. He couldn’t respond.
So I opened the door and headed straight to my car, wiping the tears from my face as I ran.