Chapter Thirty-Two
“No!” I whisper-shouted and fell to my knees, poking my arm into the cat carrier just in case Mittens was somehow hidden in the back. “Where is he?” I asked no one.
“Oh God, oh God, oh God,” I rambled, crawling on the floor in my dress, head snapping back and forth, trying to view every corner of the lobby at once. “If Kate finds out I lost Mittens, she’ll never forgive me.”
Luke kneeled down and gently placed his hands on my shoulders, which were now rising and falling in rapid succession as I tried to catch my breath. My heart was racing and my mouth was dry. Was this what a panic attack felt like? Was I going to die? I almost hoped that was the case.
“Julie.” Luke’s voice floated into my consciousness. “Look at me.”
I did.
“It’s going to be okay, we’ll find Mittens. He couldn’t have gone too far. He probably just wanted to get out of the carrier and find Kate; you know how he hates that thing.” He pulled me back to standing and guided me into the coatroom, peeking into a cardboard box that was sitting in the corner.
“But what if we don’t?” I said as I looked behind a coatrack, trying not to cry. “What if the wedding is ruined? This was my last chance.” I knew I sounded hysterical.
“Last chance to what?” He stopped searching and faced me, tipping up my chin when I lowered my head. “Last chance to what, Julie?” he asked again.
“Last chance to prove that I have my life together,” I said as a rogue tear slid down my cheek. “To prove that I’m not a mess anymore.”
“Julie,” he said, his eyes flashing with emotion, “no one thinks that about you. No one thinks you’re a mess. Where is this coming from?”
I looked into his eyes and melted into their warmth. His hands on my arms, soft yet firm, held me up like a life raft. It was then that I knew. I couldn’t remove him from my life. Not when he was the best part of it. I opened my mouth to speak. Ready to tell him everything.
“Found him!” Quinn burst through the door, holding a squirmy Mittens in her arms. “He was snooping around in the kitchen. Much to the displeasure of the staff, I might add.” She stopped, eyes moving back and forth between us. “Should I…? Did I interrupt something?” She shot me an apologetic look.
“No, this is great!” I stepped forward, taking Mittens from her and burrowing my face into his fur, pretending nothing more had been happening than a furtive search. “I am so happy to see you,” I murmured into his neck, tears of relief now forming in my eyes. “You scared me, you silly cat.” I walked back into the lobby and put Mittens into his cat carrier, wiggling the door to make sure it was closed.
“Thank you so much,” I said as I gave Quinn a frantic hug. “You saved the wedding. You saved me. I don’t know what we would have done if we had lost him.”
“Happy to help.” She gently pulled away from my tight embrace and picked up the cat carrier. “I’ll take him to Kate’s room and see you later, okay?”
I watched her leave and my breath came out in a whoosh of relief. “That was close,” I said to Luke. “Thanks for calming me down.”
He nodded. “I’m glad Quinn found him.”
“You look nice,” I said, just now noticing what he was wearing. He cleaned up well in his dark grey suit, complete with a rose-coloured tie and pocket square.He looked handsome. His red hair was a bit longer now than when we’d first met, and wisps of it curled below his ears. His beard was neatly trimmed. I almost reached up to touch it.
Instead, I tugged playfully on his tie. “You remembered.”
He brushed my hand away and smoothed it out. “Of course I did. When the bride asks you to match her bridesmaids, you match her bridesmaids.”
We walked to the kitchen and checked on the hors d’oeuvres, some of which were laid across the counter on silver trays, some ready to be put in the oven. I could smell the coffee brewing and spied two large urns waiting to hold it and keep it warm. The wedding cake stood tall and proud in the corner, red velvet covered in smooth pink icing with a little plastic bride and groom on top, holding hands and looking lovingly into each other’s eyes.
“This turned out well.” I walked over to admire it. I hadn’t noticed from far away, but tiny candy beads dotted the top of the second layer.
Luke nodded his approval and made a checkmark on his clipboard.
“It looks like snow,” I whispered, remembering the night Luke and I had stood by the snow-covered field. The night we had almost kissed. I looked up and was startled to see him staring, the look on his face telling me he was thinking the same thing.
“You look amazing,” he said quietly.
“Oh. Thanks.” I smiled, trying to will the blush from my face. “The seamstress did a great job. I think it fits pretty good.” I smoothed my hands over my hips.
“It does,” he said. “Fit. Pretty good.” He shook his head as if trying to clear it. “Okay, let’s go check the tables.”
I turned again to leave and then turned back. “Luke?”
“Yeah?”
“We did good, you and me.”
He nodded. “We did.”
“We make a good team.”
Another nod was his only response as we silently left the kitchen.
The ceremony, of course, went flawlessly. Even Mittens cooperated, silently following Kate’s friend’s daughter Abigail with only a couple of encouraging tugs on his leash, rings hanging from a satin ribbon tied around his tiny collar.
Kate was radiating happiness and Ben only had eyes for her. The room could have fallen down around them and they wouldn’t have cared. They were so in love; the vibration from their beating hearts was palpable.
After their vows and the “You may kiss the bride,” they both turned in unison and walked back down the aisle hand in hand to cheers and confetti and Taylor Swift’s “Love Story”because Kate, in no uncertain terms, had vetoed Ben’s selection of any song by Bryan Adams.
I watched it all with misty eyes, my hatred of all things wedding-related replaced by a mushy faith in love. I knew I had Luke to thank for that.
I finally made it to the table where Quinn was sitting, sneaking away after most of the guests had made it through the receiving line. “I’m so sorry,” I said. “I hadn’t realized it would take this long. Honestly, I used to be so drunk at weddings by this point that I never considered there were other things going on.”
Quinn laughed, cheerful and understanding as always. “Totally fine, I expected it. I’ve been having a great time here at the cousin table.” She gestured around to all the cousins, who waved politely.
“Of course you have.” I smiled. “But I’m going to have to steal you away. Kate made room for you at the main table so you wouldn’t have to sit by yourself, although I should have expected you would immediately make friends.”
She stood up and leaned in to whisper in my ear, “I scouted out the table for potential dating options if you’re interested.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I said, feigning sincerity. “I should have mentioned at the outset that I don’t want to date anyone who is related to me. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”
She laughed. “They’re not all related to you. Some of them are Kate’s cousins.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thank you for thinking of me, but I think I’ll pass on the cousin hook-ups tonight. I’ve got too much going on.”
“Do you?” She winked. “Or do you have someone else in mind?” She shook her head at my confused expression. “Don’t play dumb. I’ve seen the way you look at Luke.”
“I’m pretty sure he’s taken.” I gestured with my chin to Luke and Marnie sitting beside each other at the head table, heads close in what looked to be an intimate conversation.
“Oh, I don’t know.” She looked at them suspiciously. “Something tells me, no matter how much she wants that to be true, his desires lie elsewhere.”
I opened my mouth to give a smart retort and then realized I didn’t have one handy. Luckily, I didn’t have to follow through as we’d reached our destination. We walked up to the main table just as Ben and Kate were sitting down, their names clearly labeled on the adorable place cards that Hannah had made. I reached for my phone to take a picture so I could show her and then realized I didn’t know when I would see her again. A wave of grief swelled through my chest and I pushed it back down before it could reach my face.
“Finally!” Kate was halfway seated but bolted up when she saw us. “We finally get to meet the famous Quinn!”
Quinn blushed, uncharacteristically shy, and stuck out her hand, which Kate ignored as she pulled her in for a hug. “I’m so glad to officially meet you. I thought it was you when you dropped off Mittens, but Marnie had just jabbed me in the head with a bobby pin so I was a bit otherwise engaged.”
I glanced at Luke to see if he was still talking to Marnie and he met my eyes and smiled.
“Isn’t Quinn a man’s name?” I heard Marnie loudly whisper. “I thought Julie had finally found herself a man. Guess not.” She giggled.
I pulled Kate’s arms loose from Quinn, ignoring Marnie. “Jesus, Kate, you’re like a boa constrictor.”
Kate reluctantly pulled away and Ben stuck out his hand. “I’m not really a hugger, no offence.”
“None taken.” Quinn laughed and shook his hand. “And congratulations, the ceremony was beautiful.”
“Thanks,” Kate and Ben said at the same time and then laughed, staring at each other like there was no one else around.
“Ugh, get a room,” I said through a smile. “Let’s go sit down.” I pulled Quinn towards the end of the table, the opposite end to where Marnie and Luke were sitting. I didn’t want any part of what was going on over there.
“Julie, wait.” I turned to find Kate and Ben still standing, both of them moving closer as Quinn went and sat down.
“We just want to say thank you,” Ben said as Kate grabbed my hand and squeezed. “Now, I admit,” he continued, “I had my doubts when you first brought up the idea of planning our wedding, but you proved me wrong, and not only that, you blew all of my expectations out of the water.”
Kate nodded as my eyes filled with tears. “It was mostly Luke,” I said, once again glancing his way.
“No,” Kate said firmly. “I know you think that Luke carried the bulk of the work, and maybe he did do a lot of the organizing, but this”—she swept her arm around the room—“the thought and care you put into the decorations, and the guest gifts, and the seating plan, and the entire day itself; the way you knew exactly what we wanted; the way you knew exactly how we wanted to feel when we walked into this room—that was all you. And I can’t even begin to thank you enough.”
“Julie,” Ben said when I was clearly too speechless to respond, “I know you sometimes think you’re a disappointment. I know you think that you need to prove you have your life together. But you don’t. You proved yourself to us the second you walked into that meeting a year ago. And you’ve continued to prove it to us ever since.”
“Not that you need to,” Kate said. “Prove yourself to us.”
“Exactly,” Ben said. “We’ve loved you, and we will continue to love you, exactly as you are.”
“Well….” I started, but didn’t know what else to say. I’d had no idea they felt that way. I had been proud of what Luke and I had done, and I’d worked hard to make their day special, but I hadn’t realized they’d seen it too. “Thank you for saying that,” I finally said. “I just really wanted to make up for all I did in the past.”
Ben shook his head. “Your perception of yourself is so different to the way others see you. Do you realize that you basically saved my life when we were kids? You cared for me and stuck up for me and made me feel loved and accepted when no one else did. You helped me see that I wasn’t my anxiety. You helped me get through the worst parts of my life. That’s what families do.” He grinned his shy half grin. “I was merely returning the favour.”
“I love you both so much,” I said, my voice cracking, as I leaned forward to give them each a hug. “I’m so happy for you.”
It was funny, I thought as I made my way to the end of the table to join Quinn, dabbing at my eyes with a tissue, all this time I’d thought I was staying sober and planning the wedding to prove I was worthy to the two people who had already believed it, when really I’d needed to prove it to the person who hadn’t.
Me. I had needed to prove it to me. And I’d finally done it.
After the main course was served, Quinn nudged my arm. “You’re not being that great of a date.”
“What do you mean?” I asked as I speared a cabbage roll with my fork.
“I mean you haven’t said one word since you sat down. All you’ve been doing is giving the stink eye to poor Marnie over there.”
“Sorry, was I that obvious?”
“Yes, you were that obvious. Why don’t you go talk to him?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. No, that’s a lie. I do know. I don’t want to talk to him because I don’t know what to do. Do I think he’s a great guy? Yes. I am attracted to him? Yes. Do I think about him all the time?”
“Yes!” Quinn cheered.
“Yes. But….”
“But?”
“But I think I might have missed my chance. It looks like he’s with Marnie now.”
Quinn glanced in the direction I was gazing. “Are you sure about that?”
I picked up my champagne flute of sparkling water and took a sip. “Okay. So, let’s suppose he’s not with Marnie; the question I keep asking myself is: Am I ready for a relationship? And the answer is: I don’t know. And I think Luke’s a relationship guy. I don’t think Luke’s a ‘Let’s sleep together and see what happens’ guy.”
“I don’t think he’s that kind of guy either,” Quinn agreed.
“But what if that’s the only thing I can do? What if I hurt him? If I did, I could never forgive myself.” My eyes filled with tears and I angrily poked at them.
“And what if you don’t?” Quinn asked, logical as usual. “What if you give yourself permission to fall in love? What if neither of you get hurt?”
“Excellent questions.” I sat back in my chair as if to end the conversation. “I’ll think on them and get back to you.”
“Julie.” She gave me a look that said she wasn’t going to put up with my bullshit.
“What?”
“We both know you deserve something great. I think it’s time you did something about it.”