Chapter 33
“Thanks again for letting me come watch you sing,” I said, standing on the sidewalk in front of Jay’s house.
“Thanks for coming. You sure you don’t want me to walk you to the door?” Tyler asked, his head leaning out the truck’s window. His eyes flickered up the path to the cabin castle with an obvious conflict in his dark brown eyes.
I shook my head a little too eagerly. “No, it’s okay. Really, I’m fine. But thank you, Ty.”
“Okay, well, I’ll see you at work on Tuesday then?” he asked, and the guilt nearly consumed me again.
I nodded. “I’ll see you Tuesday.” Maybe I could talk with him at lunch.
He smiled, gave me a little wave, and then drove off down the long drive back to the main road. I sighed once his truck disappeared and walked, heels in hand, over to the garage.
I reached into my clutch for the door opener, only to realize I’d left it upstairs in my apartment when I’d rushed down earlier. I sighed and reluctantly walked around to the front of the house, hoping the door might still be unlocked.
To my surprise and relief, it was. I slipped inside. The cabin was quiet, bathed in the soft glow of a few dim lamps in the living room.
I wasn’t expecting Jay to be awake at such a late hour, so I was surprised to find him sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, a small journal open on his lap.
A warm blaze was eating away at a few oak logs, Luna curled into a tight little snowball beside the flame, and Jay was scribbling something across the page.
It wasn’t until I set my heels on the wood floor and they made a soft clicking sound that he looked up.
“Hey,” he said quietly, setting the journal aside on the cushion next to him.
“Hi.”
“How was your date?” he asked casually, his expression unreadable.
I dropped my purse beside my heels and dragged a hand through my curls. “It was…fine.”
“Just fine?” One eyebrow ticked upward.
I tried to play it cool. I didn’t want him to see how frustrated I was, but it bubbled up without my consent. “It was more than fine,” I said with a sharp little laugh. “He was a perfect gentleman, actually.”
Jay pressed his lips together. “That’s good, right?”
“It should be,” I said, walking over to the living room. I began pacing the rug in front of the hearth, stepping carefully around Luna’s sleeping form. “In theory. If I were a sane person, I’d be thrilled.”
“And you’re not?”
“I got the ick,” I admitted.
“The ick,” Jay repeated, amusement entering his tone now.
“Yes. The ick,” I said, throwing my hands up. “From a nice, polite man who did absolutely nothing wrong.”
Jay lifted a hand to his mouth, unsuccessfully hiding his smile. “That sounds tragic.”
“Is it really that awful of me to want a little more passion?” I stopped abruptly and turned to face him.
“Passion?” he echoed, folding his arms across his chest.
“Yes, passion,” I said, the words tumbling out too fast to stop. “Is it too much to ask for a man to cup my face and kiss me like he means it? To kiss me in a way that leaves me a little breathless and wanting more?”
Jay stared at me, biting his lip to stifle another smile.
“Oh my gosh,” I groaned, suddenly mortified. I dropped onto the coffee table and covered my face. “Why am I telling you this? Please forget I said anything. I’m sorry. I just needed to vent.”
“Vent away,” Jay said mildly. “I’m not judging.”
I peeked at him through my fingers, and a long pause stretched between us.
“So,” he said at last, “you kissed him?”
My head dropped back into my hands with a groan. “Nope. Absolutely not. I should not be having this conversation with you.”
He chuckled, holding his hands up. “You brought it up.”
“You’re right,” I said, snapping my head up. “I did. And I definitely should not have.”
“What gave you the ick?” he asked. “Bad kisser?”
“No,” I admitted, narrowing my eyes. “The kiss was… fine.”
Jay waited for me to elaborate.
I sighed. “He treated me like I might shatter.”
Jay frowned. “I’m sorry, but I’m still confused.”
I huffed. I’d already spilled half the tea. What was the whole cup at this point?
“Here,” I said, stepping closer. “Let me show you.”
I left the coffee table and sat beside him on the couch. Jay sat up a little straighter, accepting his role in whatever demonstration I was about to attempt.
“So imagine we’re kissing,” I said, unsure how else to approach recreating the moment.
Jay pursed his lips. “Okay.”
“And then I reach out and just barely touch your arm.” I placed only the tips of my fingers on his shoulder and looked up at him. I did my best to keep my cool and continue the demonstration, trying not to focus on how close we suddenly were.
“And then, as we’re kissing—”
“We are still kissing?” Jay asked, lifting an eyebrow.
I rolled my eyes. “Yes. But it’s like a peck, okay? Our lips are touching, but nothing is actually happening. No movement. Just two statues.”
“Understood,” he said, nodding, still fighting that ridiculous smirk.
“And then,” I continued, “You make a tiny sound.”
“A sound?”
“You know, like a kiss me more sound.”
“Ah,” he nodded as if he understood, his eyes sparkling with humor.
“Then I ask you completely seriously.” I sucked in a breath, trying to mimic Tyler’s tone. “‘Is this too much for you?’”
“Is this too much?” Jay repeated, eyebrows shooting up before he let out a laugh.
“Exactly!” I pulled back, throwing my hands in the air. “You see? And then it got worse.”
“I’m suddenly unsure I want to know where this is headed,” Jay said, though the mischievous glint in his eyes suggested the opposite.
“As I was trying to understand what was happening—trying to force myself back into the moment—he took my hesitation the completely wrong way.” I winced, remembering it. “Then he pulled away and said, ‘Let’s just take things at your pace, okay?’”
Jay leaned his head back against the couch and covered his eyes. “Oh. Poor Tyler.”
“Poor Tyler?” I gawked at him.
“Yes,” Jay said, laughing. “Poor Tyler. I really thought he’d be better with women.”
“I’m a horrible person,” I groaned, standing to pace the rug again. “He was just trying to be nice. Why did it turn me off so badly? There has to be something wrong with me. A guy being considerate should be attractive.”
As I paced, the night’s events replayed in my mind. And every time I imagined him asking if it was too much for me, that same uncomfortable feeling in my stomach resurfaced.
I was doomed.
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Jay said.
And suddenly, his voice was right behind me.
His hand settled on my shoulder, halting my pacing. “And there’s nothing wrong with Tyler,” he added.
I turned to face him, not bothering to hide my exasperation. “Then what happened?”
“Sometimes,” he said calmly, “two people just don’t click. And that’s all there is to it.”
I stayed quiet, processing his words.
When I didn’t respond, he continued. “One day, Tyler is going to find someone who finds that gentle, careful approach incredibly attractive.”
There was a brief pause.
“But that was never going to be you.”
I wasn’t expecting those words, and I felt something shift in the air between us.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I whispered.
Jay stepped closer, close enough that I could feel his warmth. His hand lifted to my neck, the action all too confident, like he knew I wasn’t about to pull away.
“You don’t want sweet,” he said softly. “You don’t want careful.”
I sucked in a sharp breath.
“You want someone who doesn’t ask every five seconds if you’re okay.” His thumb brushed beneath my jaw, tilting my chin up just slightly. “You want someone who already knows you are.”
My body betrayed me, goosebumps racing down my spine.
“You sound very sure of yourself.”
“I am,” he said easily.
His gaze dropped to my mouth, then lifted back to my eyes. “You want someone who takes control just enough that you don’t have to think. Someone who knows, without saying anything, that you’re asking for more.”
His fingers slid down the length of my neck, causing all my coherent thoughts to disappear.
My breath hitched. I looked up at him, suddenly very aware that I’d lost control of the conversation. His other hand left my shoulder and threaded into my hair at the base of my neck.
“Jay—” I started, but then he leaned in.
His lips brushed the skin just below my ear, lightly teasing, causing me to forget what I’d been saying.
I shivered, more goosebumps racing over my skin as the warm, pine scent of his cologne wrapped around me.
My eyes fluttered closed, and I found myself reaching up to grasp his shirt to steady myself.
His stubble grazed my skin as his mouth traced down the curve of my neck. My head tipped to the side, betraying me completely, and a sound slipped from my lips—a sigh coalesced with a faint whimper.
“Is this—” His fingers gently fisted the strands of my hair at the base of my neck. “—too much for you?” he asked, and I could feel his smile against my skin.
My breath stuttered. And for a moment, I felt myself on the precipice of doing something reckless. The urge to pull him closer and live out the dream I’d had only a few nights ago.
But then reality came crashing down.
I couldn’t do this.
This would destroy everything.
I pressed both palms flat against Jay’s chest and pushed him away just enough to create a few inches of space between us.
Jay stilled, his hands lifting away from me immediately.
“I can’t do this,” I said quickly, breathless and flustered.
His jaw tightened. “Do what?”
“This,” I said, gesturing vaguely between us. My heart was still racing, my whole body insanely hot. “Whatever this is. Whatever it was about to turn into.”
Jay exhaled through his nose and said huskily, “You don’t want this.” It wasn’t a question.
I shook my head. “Wanting you isn’t the issue,” I whispered.
“It’s because I’m a dentist, isn’t it?”
My brow furrowed. “What, no—”
“I know something happened at your father’s clinic,” he said, and the defensiveness in his voice surprised me. “You were demeaned. Made to feel small. So now you’re scared I’m going to do the same.”
“That’s not it.”
“Isn’t it?” he shot back. “Have I not proven I’m not whoever did that to you?”
I opened my mouth, then closed it, struggling to find the words to explain exactly why this couldn’t happen between us. “Jay…”
His hands flexed at his sides. “Because it feels like you’re lumping me in with them. Like you don’t trust me.”
I shook my head. No—I knew now that I didn’t fear him. I was at least confident in that. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“Then why did you push me away?”
My laugh came out sharp and a little hysterical. “Because I’m afraid of me.”
That made him pause.
I dragged a hand through my hair, words tumbling out faster now. “I’m into you, okay? I’m embarrassingly into you, Jay. The kind of into you that wrecks my ability to think clearly and makes me say things I absolutely should not be saying to my boss-slash-neighbor.”
Jay opened his mouth, but I kept going.
“And that’s the problem,” I said. “I’m finally good here.
I like my job. I actually like working for you.
I’m making friends, and let me tell you, I don’t make friends, okay?
” I sucked in another frantic breath. “I’m writing my book.
I’m getting a handle on my anxiety instead of letting it run my life.
I’m building something that feels like mine instead of my father’s. ”
His navy eyes looked almost pained as the admission left my lips. He looked ready to reach for me, but I stepped away before he could.
“And whatever this is between us?” I pointed at him.
“It’s not small. It’s not simple. And everything would change if I pursued it.
” I swallowed. “What if it didn’t work out?
I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t just pretend everything was fine and keep living in your house and working beside you as your employee. ”
Jay’s expression shifted, frustration draining from his eyes and something colder and more certain taking over.
“So this isn’t about being afraid of me,” he said finally.
“No,” I said. “It’s about self-preservation.”
He nodded once. “I see.”
The words were heavy, hitting me like a punch to the gut.
“If being around me complicates things,” Jay said, jaw clenching. “Then I won’t get close to you.”
I took a step toward him, and this time he was the one who retreated. “Jay—”
“No,” he interrupted, calm but firm. “You’re right.
You’re building something. And I won’t be the thing that destabilizes it.
I’ll keep things professional,” he continued.
“At work and at home.” His jaw tightened.
“I won’t touch you. I won’t flirt. I won’t put you in a position where you have to choose between me and the life you’re trying to build. ”
I opened my mouth to speak again, the overwhelming need to keep explaining rising in my chest. “I—” But he stopped me.
“I’m the one who told you to breathe again,” he said, shaking his head. “I refuse to be the reason you stop.”
I nodded, even though my throat burned. “Okay.”
Jay gave me a small, restrained smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Okay.”
He moved toward his side of the house, but slowed just before reaching the hallway.
“For what it’s worth,” he said without turning around, “I’m glad you’re not afraid of me anymore, Hope.”
My breath caught.
Then I forced myself to inhale.
Exhale.
I was breathing again.
But why did it have to hurt so bad?