Chapter 7
BIANCA
Our walk started out okay. Antonias gave a mini tour of some of the new additions to S.
S. Estates, as well as things he planned to do with the property over time.
He introduced me to the Big Three: Khema, Will, and Deck.
They were S. S. Estates farm hands, and if I was honest, they looked like they could bench press the whole damn house.
Each man was as tall as a skyscraper and built like a mountain.
Antonias was six-foot-four and thickly built himself.
The fact that he looked small compared to them tickled me.
Despite how large they were, they were complete gentlemen.
I knew for a fact that they kept this place up to par and safe when Antonias wasn’t there.
The grounds were magnificent. Several horses were housed in a stable that could easily be worth one of Bell Estates’ mansions. Antonias showed me the chicken coop area, introduced me to his goats, and pointed out a herd of cows in the distance.
“It’s enough space for generations to come,” he stated.
From the sound of it, he planned on raising his family here. Which I found heartwarming. Knowing he was planning such a life with Katrelle was sickening.
Especially considering I’d slept in his arms all night. I expected Antonias to comfort me, just not in that way. The minute he slid next to me and spooned me, it was like the ghosts of the nightmare fled. He chased them away with his soft words of comfort and strong arms as protection.
I wasn’t crazy. The people responsible for nearly killing me were already dead.
That was the only reason Antonias had some peace about him.
Otherwise, dealing with him would’ve been like dealing with a caged animal.
There was no caged animal holding me last night, though.
It was a gentleman with a big heart that I failed to see.
“How did you and Katrelle officially decide to get together?” I asked him.
Despite how I felt about him getting married, it was inevitable that his wedding was going to happen.
It wasn’t like I could hide from him for the rest of my life.
We worked together, and he spent too much time around my family. In fact, he was practically family.
He chuckled and asked, “You really wanna know the answer to that?”
“Yes, I do.” Begrudgingly, I thought.
“It was at Quilo’s graduation.”
I frowned.
“She was there overseeing a few high school students who were apart of her intern program. She invited me to dinner. I accepted.”
Thinking back to that day, I wanted to kick myself.
“You better cry like that when our kids walk across the stage,” Antonias quipped as I wiped another set of tears from my eyes. My brother’s family was so damn beautiful, and the way he took in Quilo never ceased to amaze me. I was proud of Adir in every way.
“To carry your kids means I have to sleep wit’ you, and I refuse. There’s no telling where yo’ dick has been,” was my reply.
“For the record, my dick has been a lot of places. It’s clean as fuck, though,” Antonias said, bringing me back to the present.
“Yeah… About that.” My mouth could be slick, especially with Antonias. I did so much to try and run him away that I didn’t care what I said to him. Even if I didn’t believe it. There I was speaking death over my body and didn’t even realize it. Now, I could never carry his kids.
With that thought, my body had enough. I was tired of walking and ready to head back to the house.
We made it halfway there before I couldn’t take another step without wincing from discomfort.
Thinking I was going to have to trek the rest of the way back to the house, I was grateful when Antonias took over for me.
There I was in his arms again. There I was feeling loved and safe.
The next afternoon, rain lightly pattered the wall window. Although Christmas was approaching, the weather wasn’t giving winter snowflakes. Instead, the light droplets brought on a dreariness that mirrored my mood.
“You ready to talk?” Kwamé questioned. She’d been sitting in my room for the last ten minutes waiting for me to say something.
After my walk with Antonias yesterday, I’d been drowning in my own thoughts.
I turned my phone off, kept the television on mute, and barely ate whenever Antonias offered me food.
If nausea came upon me, I snacked on the graham crackers he kept beside my bed. That was all I could stomach right now.
“What is there to talk about?”
Kwamé came to my bed and propped herself at the foot. Knowingly, she peered at me. “What do you feel right now, Bianca?”
“Besides hopelessness, nothing.”
“Explain to me what hopelessness looks like to you,” she requested.
No humor was behind the chuckle I offered her. “Well, I tried wishing I wasn’t here, but Antonias nearly shook me when I said that.”
“With great reason, he should’ve. You’re entitled to feel the way you want to feel, Bianca.
However, I urge you to measure your words.
Be angry with the person or people who put you in this position you are now forced to adapt to.
Place anger where it’s due. Putting that on your shoulders is being selfish to yourself.
You don’t deserve to be kicked while you’re down, not even by the words from your own mouth. ”
Swallowing the emotions clogging my throat, I asked, “How? How do I even begin to accept this new version of me?”
“You start by accepting that there are other options. Once you accept that being a mother is more than carrying a baby, your heart will be open to seeing the truth and hope in it. What your body is or isn’t capable of doing does not take away your ability to be a mother.
” She reached over to squeeze my hand. “Please say that you understand, Bianca.”
Sighing, I told her what she wanted to hear. “I understand.”
That was my first session with Kwamé, and I was already about to call it quits.
Sunlight beamed down on me as I pulled the blanket closed over myself.
The weather was finally starting to shift to nearly freezing temperatures.
Out here in the country, the fresh, brisk air was a complete contrast to that of the city.
As clear as the air was, I wasn’t surprised to smell Antonias’s cologne taking a ride on the wind.
It reached my nose and caused me to inhale as much of it as I could.
Almost as if it were something strong, pure, and highly addictive.
Smelling him on the cool December breeze was crazy since he was clear across the yard.
He sat atop Ice, a shiny, black stallion, and all I could think was that I’d never known Antonias to be a cowboy.
In all the years I’d known him, it never occurred to me that there was another side to him other than the playboy and physician.
He looked too good up there on that horse.
The lower part of his face was covered by a black scarf, and a black hat concealed the upper part of his face.
He was dressed in all-black right down to the boots on his feet.
Dangerous, he looked. It was a danger that I was all too willing to risk my sanity for.
Squinting my eyes at his sexy form, I wondered where the hell he was last night.
I’d slept fitfully knowing he was off doing him.
To think he’d been off to see his fiancée caused my stomach to roll.
I was sitting outside to get some fresh air just for him to chase me out there.
I wasn’t the type to encroach on another woman’s territory.
And it was horrible of me to think to do so.
Plus, technically, Antonias had given me plenty of chances to have him.
“I’m ready for a wife and kids…”
Antonias’s words played on my brain like a drum and tambourine during peak church hour. A wife, I could be. A mother. I could be her, too. Adoption was always an option. Even if I couldn’t give him a child of his own flesh, Antonias would understand. After all, he was the product of adoption.
With a little power in my back, I had only one obstacle in the way. Katrelle.
Selfish. That was never a word I’d use to describe myself. However, that was exactly what I felt like being. I felt like pretending that Katrelle didn’t exist and going after the man whose heart I truly did want.
As accomplished and beautiful as Katrelle was, she wasn’t good for Antonias. She would never understand his mind, his personality, or his crazy. I understood all three. The playboy in him just fucked up my mental and distorted some of his charm. However, outside of that, I got him.
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I won him back.
“You’ve successfully made it to week two. How do you feel?”
Kwamé’s question pulled me from the depths of plotting back to reality. Her keen eyes observed me as I sat there, staring off into space while tracking Antonias across the vast backyard.
“I feel like I could throw up,” I mumbled to which she chuckled.
“Why is that?”
Glancing at Kwamé, I found myself a little annoyed. She knew damn well why I was sick to my stomach.
Unfazed, she replied, “Your annoyance is misplaced. That happens when we realize we’ve made a mistake.”
Before rolling my eyes as hard as I could, I made sure Kwamé could see me do so. “Yes, I made a mistake, okay. Are you happy that I admitted it?”
She chuckled. “I’m not the one who you should be admitting it to.”
I glared at her. “I’m having the worst time of my life, and you think it’s funny?”
“I absolutely don’t think that. I’m a crisis counselor, and my brother called me to be here with you. I take this very seriously.”
“How seriously? You willing to help me break up a seemingly happy couple?”
“Uhm—"
“You’re a crisis counselor. This is more of a crisis than anything I’ve ever crisised in my life.”
“I’m not sure how you want me to help you.”
“Help me win my man back,” I stated.
She laughed. “Win him back?”
“Yes!” With more pep in my answer than I intended, Kwamé looked at me and laughed again. “I’m serious. Tell me how to win him back.”
She leaned forward and folded her arms on the patio table, then pointedly peered at me. One of her perfectly manicured eyebrows peaked. “Why?” she questioned.
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“No. It’s not. I’m not about to help him break a woman’s heart simply because you’re jealous.
” She rested her head on her balled fist. “If your pursuit of Antonias is steeped in jealousy, then a relationship between you two will never work out. Never build your empire on another woman’s land.
The regret is nothing nice to deal with. ”
Kwamé sounded like she was speaking from experience. However, a shade went over her eyes that concealed her own feelings from me.
“This is deeper than jealousy,” I mumbled.
“How deep?”
Swallowing hard, I couldn’t believe I was about to divulge the truth. It was now or never, though. Kwamé knew Antonias better than anyone. If she was going to help me win him back, then I had to trust my innermost feelings with her.
“I love Antonias,” I whispered. “And although I’m not the woman I was two weeks ago, I feel like he would still love me regardless.”
“So… You’re afraid another man won’t take you as you are?”
“No,” I denied. “I’m not thinking about another man.” Ever. “I’m thinking about Antonias and how badly I screwed up. I just want him to see that I’m the woman he needs beside him.”
“Hm.”
I frowned. “Hm? What the hell does that mean?”
“It means you’ve had at least a couple of years to realize you belong next to him. Why did it take a tragic incident to wake you the fuck up?”
My frown deepened because no matter what I said, it would sound like excuses.
“When you find out the why behind wanting my brother, then maybe I’ll think about helping you.” Kwamé stood from the table and said, “Our session is over for today. We’ll pick back up tomorrow. Okay?”
“Okay,” I muttered.
Kwamé walked away, and I used the opportunity to put my gaze back on Antonias.
As much as I didn’t want to admit it, Kwamé was right.
My motives for wanting to be with Antonias had to come from a place that wasn’t drowning in jealousy or envy.
My good heart wouldn’t let me do something so sinister to Katrelle without good reason.
I must’ve stayed on the patio for a couple of hours watching Antonias.
His body glistened in the sun like he was covered in body oil made just for him.
As I sat here wishing he’d remove the black T-shirt covering his hardened chest, he did just that.
Muscles rippling and tattoos on fully display, he looked like every bit as sexy as he knew he looked.
To think Katrelle had her hands all over him burned me up.
“He’s so fucking fine,” I mumbled to myself.
“What’s that?” Antonias asked. I was in delulu land and didn’t see that he’d made it to the patio. He was atop the stallion, peering down at me. His large frame blocked the sun as he cast a shadow over me.
“Uhm… You’re going to get sick out here without a shirt on,” I informed him.
He chuckled, revealing his straight white teeth. He hadn’t shaved this morning, and the scruffiness of his jaw was just scrumptious to look at.
“You ready to go inside?” he questioned.
I couldn’t focus on anything except the rippling of his arm muscles. They were distracting.
“I’m ready whenever you are,” I replied. My throat felt dry as hell.
His eyes swept over me, then back to my eyes. “You’re ready when I’m ready, huh?”
“Yes.”
Lowly, he chuckled again. “Aight. We’ll see.”
I wasn’t sure what that meant, but he took off on the stallion, leaving me right there to stare after him.