Chapter 9
My lips still tingle. Kaden sets my entire core ablaze. I am anchored in a place of absolute wonder and surrender for a few divine seconds. But I can’t be that pathetic lovestruck girl again. His back is to me, and panic settles in my core.
My heart bleeds with weakness for him. If he wants to obliterate the meaning, I want to obliterate everything and stand proud.
“His kisses taste better.”
Words tumble out of me. A lie that burns my tongue but strengthens my defense.
He stops, his back straining.
“I hope you fucking drown in them, then.”
The trapped air whooshes out of my lungs. I place my hand on my heart, urging it to calm down.
Screaming on the inside, my body shakes.
Water drips off me as I run up the stairs, my vision blurry. Everything is a damn mess.
I must get my control back. On my way out, I almost bump into Abigail, who looks at me as if she knows the battle ravaging my insides.
She crosses her arms, watching me intently. I can’t stay here a moment longer, or I’ll succumb. My heart filled with need for him would consume me.
I sidestep her, but she grabs my elbow and holds it.
“Open your eyes. You can’t see the truth right in front of your face.”
“Don’t.”
“Just because you left––”
“It was not my damn decision.”
She shakes me, urging me to wake up. “Yes, and don’t you want to find out why Kaden did that?”
“Because he never loved me.”
Incredulity brims in her eyes. “Bitterness will lead to more suffering, and none of us needs any more of that.”
“If you have something to tell me, stop talking to me in riddles.”
“We don’t trust you.”
“Yes, well, the feeling is mutual.”
She opens her mouth and closes it. I leave, and outside I can finally breathe again. Thinking walking will calm me, I bypass my car and follow the cobblestone path to Hunter and Mia’s college house.
I pound at their door, and Hunter opens it without a shirt.
“If you have someone here, she has to go,” I say, pushing past him.
“I was just getting ready to shower, not that I need to explain myself to you.”
We heighten the emotions in the other. When it’s good, we ride the high together. When it’s bad, we would set this world on fire to ease the other’s pain.
“I need to focus. I can’t focus in that damn house.”
Hunter sniffs the air, gripping my chin. “You reek of him and of whatever residual bullshit you still feel for him.”
Flimsy threads held me together and any second now they will tear, ripping me apart in the process. My hands tremble, and I fist them at my sides. This is how Mia finds us.
“Can you two ever act normal? Celine’s one step away from starting a fight, and you’ve been fidgety all week, Hunter.”
“We’re our usual selves. You’re in denial that you can live the regular student life,” he says.
She stares him down, but it’s the truth.
“What happened?” Mia asks.
“I need a bit of distance to regroup.”
“Well, I won’t tell our fathers,” she gives.
That leaves Hunter. We both know he should tell on me. That would be my punishment. Him pointing out my training was for shit if I couldn’t handle being in such close proximity to Kaden without him rattling me.
I await my judgment when Hunter digs a finger into my temple. “Focus.”
I nod. “Now, let’s get out of here and shoot some shit.”
“I’ll pass.” Mia’s phone pings with a message, her face beaming.
“Who is that?”
We both eye her, and she swallows.
“A new romance came out today,” she stammers.
We go to his Audi in stiff silence, and he grumbles. “She lied.”
“I know.”
“I don’t like that.”
“Are you going to spy on your twin? That would be fucked up and she wouldn’t forgive us.”
“Says my emotionally charged friend.”
“Fuck off.” But I smile, everything in me calming down.
“Fucking would help. Who knows, maybe you need another dick to forget him.”
“I doubt another dick has healing or magic powers.”
“You’ve never tried it before.”
“Shut up already.”
When we reach the shooting range, we spend hours bickering about who got better shots, while people watch us as if we’re crazy.
This has always been our way of having fun.
We pin the targets next to each other, accepting neither of us won.
On the way back to the car, I say, “Thank you. I needed that.”
“Now, go back. We have a mission to complete.”
“It’s all about that, isn’t it?”
“Our legacy, now deal with it.”
“Shut up. You make it sound as if I am bailing or something.”
We park in front of a diner on campus.
My calmness flies with light speed when I see Kaden surrounded by a group of guys and a blond girl brushing her arm on his in a booth.
After he kissed me.
“I haven’t seen that look before, but it looks reckless, so stop,” Hunter tries to reason with me.
In vain. Not even a black hole could hold me back. I paste on a fake smile and interlace our fingers.
Hunter shakes his head at me. “Your hands are clammy.”
“Jeez. Thanks.”
“It feels slippery, just like your control when it comes to him.”
“Shut up already.”
“If your grin gets any brighter, your mask might crack.”
Hunter smiles at me as if feeling nothing less than pure adoration. He kisses my temple, and I snuggle into him.
Kaden’s intense gaze sears me, heating me from within.
When I pass his table, I tip his glass of beer with my fingers. The contents spill onto his lap and the girl shrieks.
Kaden grabs my hand and says, “Apologize. You wasted a perfectly good beer.”
“Hey, it’s all over me too,” the girl whines, pouting at him.
I don’t know why, but his referring to the beer and not her instantly soothes the inferno inside me.
She plays with a strand of her bleached hair, all flirty and starry-eyed, voice dripping with innuendo, “Kaden, would you take me to my house? I need to change.”
I stomp on his shoe, and he chuckles. He fucking chuckles.
Hunter whispers, “Your feelings are showing.”
Feelings. I am one second away from dragging Kaden to hell and asking the devil himself to trap me with him so I can punish him repeatedly for breaking his vow.
I grit my teeth. She looks at Kaden as if he’s a god for whom she can’t wait to get on her knees and worship.
I just vomited in my mouth. Those traitorous blue eyes pin on me. I want to cut them out for even looking at someone else.
She bites her lip, trying to help him clean the mess I am responsible for, but he cuts her attempt short.
“Let’s get back to the project,” Kaden says.
Hunter has to physically pull me away.
Without another glance, we slide into a booth. I slip into the seat with my back to them for my sanity while Hunter shakes his head.
“What?”
“If looks could kill and fuck simultaneously, you’d be both.”
“He makes me mad. Poor Abigail.”
“Your jealousy is cute, and he knows that. You revealed that, now––”
“Now nothing.”
We order, and when the server brings us the food, I munch on some fries. Hunter tries to engage me in conversation while cutting his steak, but I am too wound up. And I know the culprit for that. I can’t do a thing, but hope it will pass. It has to. I am not above begging.
After we pay the bill, I glance at Kaden’s booth, but the group is gone. Thoughts swarm in my head, clouding my brain and my feet eat the distance toward the car.
“It’s funny and all, but if our fathers find out how distracted he makes you, it won’t be.”
“This has nothing to do with him.” I would rather eat acid than admit that. “Now drive faster.”
He drives even slower. I dig my nails into his thigh. With the other, I pluck my knife from my backpack, playing with it.
“You’d stab me?”
“Don’t test me right now. Bring me back to my college house.”
Abi should thank me for ensuring he doesn’t sleep with that poor copy of her.
Kaden’s car is there. Fuck it.
After Hunter drives away, madness takes hold of me, and I rejoice in it. I get in my car and ram his car again. Destroying his things gives me the best satisfaction possible. Yet it never comes close to avenging the heart he obliterated.
It’s dark inside. They can’t be asleep, but maybe he planned it so he can fuck her without witnesses.
Like a woman possessed, I run up the stairs only to find his door locked.
I pound on it, only for the low groans to increase. His voice, hoarse with pleasure, seeps through. The memories of him making love to me assault me.
You’re perfect, just like that.
It’s an overload of everything.
My heart pounds a merciless rhythm, making it hard for me to breathe normally. Ice cubes roll down my spine, chills breaking free on my skin. My vision is hazy and shivers rack my body. I think I might have a panic attack. Bending from my waist, my palm slaps against the wall. I dry heave on the floor.
Only you, only you. Only you.
I throw up my dinner on the floor. His door hits the wall with a bang. His hand holds my hair, caressing my back. I swore I wouldn’t cry, but I cry for my weakness, for him having this power over me.
When I peer inside the room, it’s empty. Relief so potent hits me, my heartbeat calms down instantly.
“Sorry for interrupting your me time. Must have been quite the jerking-off session. I have the stomach flu. And you were the only one home.”
I need him to believe me. I don’t know what I would do otherwise.
He scoops me up, and it’s such a disconcerting sensation to be let down by your own body.
Tiredness drags me under. “Put me down.”
“On the fucking floor? Just shut up, Celine. Shut up.”
His voice shakes, and I squeeze my eyes shut, trapping the weakness he ignites in me.His arms feel like home––the only place I truly have felt I belong. So unfair. He carries me to my room and places me on the bed.
“I hate you.”
“Yes, you do.”
With that, he shuts the door behind me, and I pull the cover over me, needing warmth. Now that I know he wasn’t with anyone else, I can’t stop thinking about who he was jerking off to.
A door opens and shuts, and then footsteps thump downstairs.
Kaden roars my name from outside. I put a dent in your car; you put a damn crater in my chest.
We’re not even. We could never be even.
The exhaustion of the day and the lullaby of Kaden’s ranting puts a smile on my face and pushes me straight into sleep’s embrace.
***
Waking up, feeling more rested, I change into jeans and a sweater, and slip into a pair of brown knee-length boots. Then I pull my hair up into a ponytail.
Downstairs, the fantastic four are in the kitchen, in intimate and comfortable conversation around the island table.
I have that too with my best friends. No need for the pang of jealousy to hit me, but it angers me when the already hushed conversation stops the moment I walk inside.
“Morning sunshine.” It’s Blake, and I flip him the bird.
Kaden caresses what I know is my necklace around his neck. His trophy. My weakness. Forget all the calm breathing.
I pick up a fork and, bending over the table, I slam it into his cold-blooded chest. Gasps and screams erupt.
“Oh my god, what is wrong with you?” Abigail asks.
Whatever she sees in my eyes, she shuts up. I am not human at this moment. This is justice.
“Get out. All of you get out. This is between me and Celine,” Kaden says.
“Forget it.” Blake protests. Maybe he feels the dangerous vibe we both emanate.
“Guys, in two days, we sit at Grandmother’s table under her scrutiny,” Bailey offers.
“I’m calm. I just want something back that belongs to me,” I say.
He leans forward and whispers in my ear. “Tell me, when you threw up, did you think I was fucking someone else? Wished it was you instead?”
I push in even deeper. More droplets of blood coat the silver fork and white shirt. He groans, his jaw setting into a hard line. I know there was no one there, the lying, manipulative, cunning asshole.
“Did you jerk off thinking about me? What was I doing? Because I’d never fuck you again. Nothing in me wants anything from you.”
One second, I have the upper hand; the next, he yanks the fork out, throwing it on the floor. The clang rings with aggression. His hand wraps around my neck, slamming me backward against the wall, stealing my breath.
“Kaden,” Abigail says, voice ringing with urgency.
All three shoot up from their seats, looking at him with panicked expressions.
“Don’t worry, I can take him with my eyes closed.”
“Do that. I fucking dare you to do that.” He snaps his head toward Abigail, Bailey, and Blake. The girls make a wall of worry while Blake assesses the situation. “All of you fucking leave already. Now.”
A few seconds pass before they listen, sending disapproving glances at us.
When we’re alone, we smile at each other with teeth bared. I tilt my head.
“Honey, I never asked. Do you like knives?”
I yank open the closest drawer and throw two knives at him while he ducks. Before he can grab my hand, I elude his grasp and disappear into the living room.
Jumping on the couch, I goad him. His groans of frustration mix with my hysterical laughter, creating a disturbed soundtrack as we both give in to madness. Hopping down, I run in circles. He’s right behind me, but I am faster. Spotting a vase, I kick it at his face, but he deflects it with the back of his hand. Shards fly in every direction the moment it hits the floor.
We blink at each other, but we can’t look away. That’s the thing with carnage. You just can’t stop watching it.
He sprints and catches my feet as I turn to run. I faceplant on the carpet. Fuck, my poor cheek.
Squeezing his fingers around my neck, he grits out. “Do you like to play hard, honey?”
I glare at him while a thought crystalizes in my head. Nothing will ever cure me of my hurt. Whatever I do, it’s impossible to outrun or beat it as if this hurt is interwoven with my fabric. Yet if I stop fighting, then it would end up killing me.
“Let’s see how you get out of this one. Tap the fuck out.”
It’s a sad moment to witness what has become of us, as if I have stepped into an alternate future. In this one, we’re not meant to be.
I close my eyes. When I open them, the second of hesitancy on his part is all I need to free myself from his grip.
Rolling out from under him, I stand up. Our chests heave, the fight still in me. But I see his fading.
He bends and picks up the knife. For a second, I stop breathing, but he grabs my hand and places it in my palm. He drags me to him by the back of my neck. I watch the knife in my grip, the sharp tip pointed at him; I watch his despondent face. There’s no flicker in his eyes. If I do that, I will die as well.
Tears spill down my cheeks. A bone-deep agony strangles my heart.
“Do it.”
He reaches behind his neck, pulls off his long-sleeved shirt, and throws it to the side. He slaps his chest.
“Fucking do it, Celine. Carve my heart out.”
“What heart? The one that was supposed to be mine?”
“It’s still fucking yours.”
He takes the knife from my hand and starts slashing at his chest. Rivulets of red stream down his torso as he writes my name on his chest. I remain still, incapable of moving while I watch, transfixed. Then he takes my wrist and places my palm on his chest.
“Why would you do that?”
“You want my blood? Take it all. Drain me.”
“Oh my god,” says Abigail, drawing our attention to the doorway where our friends have returned.
Yes, that sums it up perfectly.
When Kaden leaves with Blake on his tail, Bailey drops on the couch, and Abigail picks up the knife.
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”
“You call that nothing?” Abi asks me, and guilt pinches at my chest. On the inside, I am screaming in pain, but no one hears that. No one ever hears that.
I have to get out of here, but her nails dig into my elbow.
“He doesn’t deserve your wrath. Don’t make me hurt you.”
“You can try.”
I lift my chin, and our deadly stare-down halts when Bailey starts sobbing. “What happened to you?”
I can’t believe she’s crying because of me.
“Nothing.” I sound like I feel. Numb.
“You’ll ruin everything,” Abigail says.
Everything that mattered is already ruined.