Chapter Ten
I cradle my three-month-old nephew, the tiny baby snuggled in the crook of my arm as I feed him the bottle my sister passed over.
She’s lounging across from me, looking completely worn out, hair a mess, shirt dirty, and I’m not entirely sure she’s brushed her teeth today.
But she also looks happy, content in a way I am missing.
And this tiny little boy, this precious bundle, is the most perfect thing on the planet.
“So, what’s new with you?” My sister asks, her eyes blinking sleepily.
“Nothing,” I say it too quickly, and I know it the moment my sister sits up straighter, any sign of fatigue gone now she’s got a whiff of possible gossip.
“Liar,” she calls me out, eyes lighting up with excitement, “What is it?”
“Really,” I swallow, unsure how I even broach the subject of Noah to her or what he offered. She’ll think it’s insane, which she wouldn’t be wrong about. It is insane. “It’s nothing.”
Her eyes narrow in suspicion, “You tell me everything.”
“I do,” I keep my eyes on my nephew.
“Then why aren’t you telling me this? Is it going to hurt my feelings?”
I laugh, “No, Luce, there is nothing new.” Other than the fact that I’m fucking Noah Calahan, the Noah Calahan who has been my best friend since forever and I always claimed there was nothing going on.
My sister has always believed there to be something more between the two of us, and we’ve both denied it vehemently over the years.
Now I can’t say that. But I also can’t confirm something is happening because, really, what is this? Fucking. That’s it.
And if I tell her the entire purpose is to get me pregnant so I can have a slice of the happiness she’s feeling, she’ll lose her mind.
She knows I want kids; it’s a topic we speak on regularly, and she believes it will happen in time. But I don’t want to wait any longer.
I feel like I’ve had my fair share of bad dates, bad hook ups and bad men. I’m done waiting for it. Trying and failing is getting me nowhere. Now I am in control.
“You’re totally lying,” she huffs, “And I’m too tired to fight with you.”
I remain quiet, letting her stare at the side of my face in the hopes that the big sister glare will get me to spill the tea. It won’t. I’ve grown armor against it.
There isn’t a huge age gap between us, only two years, and we were close growing up and now, we have a bond that few can claim to have. I was there for the birth of her first son, maid of honor at her wedding; she taught me how to drive and helped me set up my shop.
Eventually, Luce gives up trying to stare the truth out of me and dramatically falls back onto the cushions. “Fine. Keep your secrets.”
“You’re so dramatic.”
“Listen,” she mutters, “I have been spending all my time with a newborn; I have barely had any adult conversation. Forgive me for wanting a little excitement.”
Shaun, Luce’s husband, works away a lot.
He’s got a great job with good pay, but it has him traveling all over the country, so he spends days away at a time.
He only managed to get a week off after his son was born, but he does it for his family, and I know Luce appreciates the hell out of that man.
“When is he back?” I ask her softly.
“Two days,” she gets a dreamy look on her face, “Then he has a project in the next town over, so he’ll be home more.”
“That’s good,” I beam.
“And how is that fine as fuck best friend of yours? Haven’t seen him for a while.”
“Good,” I squeak. I’d hoped she wouldn’t bring Noah up since I knew I wouldn’t be able to school my reaction at the mention of his name. Especially not when only eight hours ago he had me sprawled on my desk with his head between my thighs.
Pretty sure that’s not how you make a baby, but I digress.
Like a dog with a bone, she picks up on the scent of my nerves and narrows her eyes. “What did he do?”
“What do you mean?” I laugh nervously.
“He did something. Have you two fallen out?”
Not quite. More like fallen into each other.
“Please,” I shake my head, forcing my hair out from behind my ear so I can use it like a shield, “When have we ever fallen out?”
“That’s true.” She nods, “But there’s something.”
“Noah’s good. I’m good. What more do you want?”
She pouts, “I have a lot of time on my hands, Sid. Remember when that dude started leaving all those bad reviews for Peace and Peonies because you turned him down for a date? I found his mom, brother, second cousin, and a list of his former employers. I will find out, so you may as well tell me.”
She’s not wrong.
“We slept together.” I mumble it under my breath in the hopes she doesn’t hear.
“What!?” She shrieks, startling her son, who yanks away from the bottle to let out a cry.
“Hey, hey,” I adjust him so I can burp him. “Shh, it’s okay.”
“Back the fuck up, Sidney,” my sister is practically foaming at the mouth, “When?”
“Last night,” my cheeks are turning hot, “and at lunchtime—well, I’m not sure that can be classed as sleeping together since we didn’t actually—“ I cut myself off. “Never mind.”
“Listen,” she blinks at me, “I knew you two would get there eventually, but I actually need to know everything. Like everything, Sidney. But most importantly, I need to know if that big-dick energy is real or not.”
“It’s real.”
“I knew it.” She claps her hands, “Oh my god, so what? Are you two a couple now?”
“What? No,” I shake my head, settling her son back in my arms to take the rest of his bottle. “No, it’s not like that.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’re still just friends.”
“So, fuck buddies?”
“No.” God, how do I explain this? She’s going to lose her mind.
“Friends with benefits?”
“I guess so.” The benefit being a baby. “You know how badly I want to be a mom.”
Her eyes widen as it clicks into place for her. “Wait. No. No, you’re not doing that, Sidney. That is such a bad idea.”
“Why is it?” I frown, feeling a little offended.
“You’re fucking him to get pregnant. Does he know?” The question has my defenses rising.
“He offered.”
“Of course he did,” she pinches the bridge of her nose, “You do realize this will tie the two of you together for life.”
“Well, obviously, but it’s not like either one of us was going anywhere anyway.”
“What happens when you do meet someone, Sidney? How are they going to feel about this?”
“I’m not really thinking about anyone else, Luce. And if I do meet someone and they don’t like it, then that’s on them, really.”
She shakes her head, “You’re going to regret this, Sidney, and you’re going to get hurt.”
Irritation sparks through me. “That’s not fair.”
“I’m not wrong. I love Noah, I do, but it isn’t hard to see you’re in love with him.”
My lips pop open, “That’s not true.”
“Please, I’m your sister. You’ve had hearts in your eyes for that man since high school. And now you’re going to let him put a baby in you and get your heart broken when that doesn’t work out the way you’re hoping.”
“You’re wrong, Luce. I love Noah, but as a friend.
We are good together; we trust and love each other.
I don’t want to wait for some fictional man to come along and sweep me off my feet.
It isn’t going to happen, and this gives me what I want.
I want to be a mom so badly it actually hurts me. I’m not in love with Noah.”
The lies roll off way too easily, but then I suppose I’ve been lying about this my whole life.
She shakes her head, “Bullshit.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” I blink away the heat forming in my eyes. “If anything, I’m being more cautious about this than Noah is.”
She sighs, “Sidney, I love you and I want what’s best for you. This isn’t it.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” I place the bottle down and burp my nephew before I hand him back to Luce. “I’ve got to go.”
“Don’t be like that, Sid,” she sighs, “Please, let’s just talk about this.”
“No,” I gather up my things, “You’ve made up your mind and I’ve made up mine.”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“My heart is safe, and I am safe with Noah.”
I say the words out loud before something in my mind flares in response. A warning. A hesitation that has a weight dropping into my stomach. I push it away.
Everything is fine.
This is all fine.
Me and Noah will be good, and it’ll all work out in the end.
I kiss my sister on the cheek and grab my keys as I leave, pulling out my cell to order an Uber to get home.
She lives in the suburbs, in a perfect little house with a white picket fence on a quiet street.
Instead of hanging out in front of the house, I start to walk down the sidewalk, watching the tracker on the app, waiting for my driver to arrive.
She’s wrong.
Or is she? Everything she said has crossed my mind as well.
I keep denying it, but the truth is that it could lead to heartbreak.
I’ve spent years at Noah’s side with all these secret feelings, and I’ve been okay, but this does add something more to who we are together.
And what if she’s right? What if secretly I’m hoping this pushes us to be something we are not destined to be?
At the end of this I could get hurt.
I could lose him.