41. Only Rumors
Only Rumors
BETTY
In my farmhouse living room, I sat for the first camera session in weeks.
While the rest of the barn rode, I toughed it out in a work dress at the beginning of UniVox Week.
In a few hours, Marit would arrive. We’d be together—but not together—at the welcome mixer.
I’d pretend we weren’t involved. She’d be cool and important.
I’d mind myself and try not to be too familiar or drop an I-love-you.
A few months ago, I would have called it a game and thought it a little hot, but now, all I wanted was to throw my arms around her and kiss the minute she arrived. I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted to wake up every morning by her. Until filming wrapped, I knew that was impossible.
“So, let’s go back to the bands. Have you had any thoughts about the acts?” Kaldi asked.
“Oh, well, I’m more impressed after spending some more time listening.”
“And you’ve gotten to know them more, of course.”
I tried not to go deer-in-headlights as she said it. I knew she couldn’t have known, but I couldn’t answer this wrong.
“Well, yeah. Seeing the Brits and Swedes at Miragelite was a treat. I really enjoyed being backstage. Look, even royals can think stuff like that is cool, okay?”
I played it off.
“Would you consider them friends, then?”
I deflected. “I appreciate all the effort they put in.”
“So, you don’t feel like you’d gotten to know them throughout this… even though you spent all that time backstage with them? You were chatting quite a bit with Marit Jensson and her band.” Kaldi waggled her eyebrows.
What the fuck! I wanted to vomit. She knew.
I shifted in my seat. “You’d have to ask them. I have enjoyed getting to know the contestants. Did you know there was a pot and pan band? From Ireland. How cool is that?”
She tilted her head, confused.
“I mean, have you heard them yet? Truly… innovative,” I said.
Oh, for fuck’s sake, Elisabeth! No one buys that a pot and pan band is your idea of fun!
“I haven’t heard much about them, no.”
“I can introduce you tonight,” I offered.
“Sure.”
“So are they your pick?”
“You know I have to support Giftehode,” I said.
“So, no love for the UK?” She asked.
She knows! How the fuck does she know!? My palms sweated. We’d been caught, but how? I’d been so careful. We’d barely occupied the same continent for the last few months. I’d been such a good girl! Now, at the last minute it fell apart.
“I don’t know why you are baiting me into going against my home team,” I said, voice too sharp.
“I just didn’t see you spend much time with them, is all. It seems like anytime you mingle with the bands, it’s you and Mary Jensson just… chatting.”
I locked my eyes on hers and realized beyond a doubt Kaldi knew. No matter what I did to side-step, she’d find out. I could lie and say I could act like a bystander or even a friend to Mary, but Kaldi was smarter than her boho nightmare of a wardrobe suggested.
“Can we stop the cameras?” I asked. “And go off the record?”
Kaldi nodded in their direction, realizing we’d not approve the documentary if she didn’t follow orders. Uncle Olav ultimately had a say on what they could and couldn’t add to the final cut. I didn’t know how much she knew, but I needed a ballpark estimate.
I held my cards close. “I don’t wish to discuss anything that could put Marit in danger or cause anyone to call favoritism.”
“This stays here,” Kaldi said. “But… I saw you two holding hands. I have it on camera.”
So, she’s not fucking with me!
My jaw dropped. “Where?”
“Miragelite. The 4l?t show.”
“Shit!” I groaned.
“So, there is something going on?”
“I… I care about her. I… I don’t want to expose this and cost her everything. I don’t want people claiming I was unfair or that the only reason she did well is because of me. This cannot be about me.”
“I understand. But I worry… look, we’ve been working together for months,” Kaldi explained. “And it’s obvious that you like her. I didn’t even know you were gay.”
I took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling, keenly aware I shouldn’t trust this woman, but also feeling like a denial was a strike at myself and Mary. I didn’t want to hide anymore. After all, by the time this doc ran, I’d be out. What good did denying it do?
“I’m queer,” I explained. “I’m bi, but I’m not out… not yet. I fell for her, okay? It’s not about me, though.”
I let it out, realizing Kaldi was the first person I’d come out to beyond my inner circle.
To my surprise, she snickered. “Oh, sweetheart, it’s fine. We’re all queer.”
I wasn’t sure if she meant everyone was “a little gay” or if the whole crew was queer, but given that UniVox was the gayest competition yet, I decided I was among friends and it was the latter.
She asked, “Isn’t it beautiful that music brought you together?”
I shrugged. “It… it is… but I want to leave it out of this. I’m not ashamed. I’m more worried about her desire for privacy. She deserves to win this. Can you respect that?”
Pity overcame her face, but she shrugged. “Sure. We will just… leave that bit out. But if it changes, let us know. For what it’s worth, I think you owe it to yourself to come out.”
“Thanks.” I hoped that was true.
It stabbed me in the heart. I felt relief when Kaldi agreed to keep things secret, then grief.
Somehow, denying my truth and love for Mary felt wrong.
I wanted so badly to tell everyone how much I loved this woman, but to protect her, I resisted that selfish urge.
We wrapped and I returned to my room to prepare for the first event on my schedule—a mixer with industry people.
I laid out my outfit just as I promised Mary.
I’d wear red—for Norway—and she’d be in blue—for Sweden.
I searched my jewelry box for a bracelet I bought from a goldsmith in Gothenburg while there with my parents on an engagement a decade before.
As I did my makeup, I decided to leave my hair down for Mary.
If I couldn’t be with her like we both deserved, I’d give her some little signs I thought of her.
As I was about to leave, Hank dropped by my room to check on me.
“We missed you today over fences. I’ll be out early if you want to jump in tomorrow,” Hank said.
“Thanks. I might take you up on that.”
“You okay?” He asked.
“Not really,” I answered, attaching my earrings. “Kaldi knows.”
“Who? What?”
“The documentary lady,” I answered. “The one following us all around. She knows about Mary and me.”
“Well, it doesn’t surprise me. You’re lovesick.”
I smacked him with my clutch bag.
“Oh, come on, it’s cute.”
“Not if it hurts her career,” I said, stepping into my shoes. “I will not cost her this, okay? I’m in love with her. And the thing is, I want to shout it from the rooftops and go public more than ever, but… that’s not what is best for her.”
He did a double take, shaking his head. “Sweetheart, you are a mess.”
“Am I?” I looked at my shoes, worried I’d made the wrong choice. “Is it the wedges?”
“No, Bets. You look great. She’ll flip. It’s… I just worried you’d never come to terms with that part of yourself.”
“I still don’t know what to say. I feel so silly—”
“You’re alright. Everyone will love you—and Mary. She’s a good person. But the fact that it hurts you to hide it under a bushel? It’s good.”
He dropped my gaze.
“What?” I asked, annoyed he was hiding something.
“You make a cute couple, and people will fall in love with you. So, even if it came out, I think it would be okay.”
“I don’t,” I said. “As fucking silly as this competition is, it makes or breaks careers. Most of the performers are my age or younger. Mary sidelined herself for years because of being fucked over by a producer and then caring for an ailing mother. She’s put in more work than anyone here.
She deserves this most of all. I would never let her risk it. ”
He smiled. “That’s sweet, Bets, but don’t overthink it. Life goes on. And it’s not as though by getting caught with you, she’s ever going to settle or want for anything, is she?”
“You think I’m actually a catch?” I scoffed.
“Come on, Betty! That was why my family always gave me shit. You still pay my feed bill, you know? They never understood why I didn’t just run off with the beautiful princess who had everything at her fingertips.”
“I don’t want her to want me because I’m rich, Hank!”
His insinuation set me off. She loved me for me. I needed to believe that.
“No, no. Don’t get it twisted. I know you think the royal thing is a huge liability and that everyone will desert you because of it—perhaps cuz I did—but please don’t hold that against Mary.
You are a beautiful person. You’re a loving partner, clever, and never waiver in your ability to show up. Her dad already adores you, right?”
I shrugged.
“She has to appreciate that. She seems like a protective, private person.”
“Which is why she won’t—"
“She wouldn’t be with you if she didn’t understand all that comes with it,” Hank said.
“Betty, she’s a rockstar. Let’s think critically for a moment.
She could have anyone she wanted, but no matter who she chooses, she’s never going to be a fully private person.
The press will always hound her. At least you get it, right? ”
I didn’t consider that point. “Oh.”
“She’d be stupid not to love you!” Hank chuckled. “And I don’t think she’s stupid. I believe in you two.”
“Thanks.” I punched his arm playfully. “Why are you saying all of this? Please do not say no-stirrup work for the next week since I missed a jumps school.”
“No,” he promised. “It’s because you’re probably my best friend, kid. I want you to be happy. You deserve a partner who spoils you endlessly. I think you may have finally found your person.”
Tears welled.
I lurched forward and hugged him. “Thank you for being like that, Hank.”
He hugged me back, slightly confused. “I think you vastly underestimate how much you matter to the people around you, kid.”
“I don’t ever know where I fit. But lately? Being the girl in the wings hasn’t felt half bad.”
“You fit here and you fit with her. And, yes, believe it or not, you fit in leadership with your team because you have earned your place,”
“It’s not easy pretending to be Cici.”
“That’s because you’re not.” Hank rubbed my arms. “Bets, you can’t replace her, but why would you try?
You’re different and just as imperfect. You’re also a hell of a rider and great at trusting your horse.
Whether it be with your royal job or at the barn, you’re enough.
And you deserve to feel that. Don’t let this get you down. ”
“I’m trying not to,” I whimpered.
He grabbed a tissue from my vanity for me. “Just enjoy the week. With any luck, Mary will win this competition, and you’ll be able to ride off into the sunset in peace.”
“Peace?” I giggled. “The pressure may be off, but it won’t be gone. Her career is already exploding, but that’s okay! For once, I just… I want to be happy.”
“Go, enjoy the evening, then. Get her!”
I took a deep breath, dabbed my eyes, and left.
I’d debate whether to tell her or not the entire way there.
If I told Mary, she might be too on guard to perform.
It might derail her entire set and make things awkward with the bands and the crew.
Of course, if I didn’t tell her, I risked her finding out.
In the end, it came down on who to trust.
I trusted myself to judge character now.
I found Kaldi annoying at times and a little frustrating, but she never lied to me before.
She couldn’t out us and keep cashing Uncle Olav’s checks.
Moreover, I trusted Kaldi wouldn’t betray her values as a queer woman or light money on fire, so I’d say nothing.
Thinking about Kaldi’s ethics reminded me of my own north star.
I could justify lying to protect Mary, but I could no longer abide by the view that lying to others I loved was the best way.
If I could trust Kaldi with our secret, then I could trust my family.
I would tell Mary nothing about Kaldi’s knowledge, but I would have to broach another subject with her. I needed to stay true to me.