Chapter 22 Lauren
Lauren
Zach was gone when she woke up. She hadn’t heard him leave, but the blankets were folded and the couch was cold when she went to check on him. Hopefully, he wasn’t hung over and could function this morning.
Lauren sipped her coffee as she took notes in a journal. It was her turn to lead Bible study, and for the first time in years, the message was clear in front of her. It was as if the Lord was pointing to the words and meanings in the scriptures, and she let Him take the wheel.
Her mind was well-rested despite the interrupted sleep. She knew what she had to do. She’d known it all along, but she’d been too stubborn to stop and listen to reason.
The faint sound of an engine outside lifted her attention from the page she’d almost filled with notes. A few seconds later, the thud of heavy boots on her porch signaled Zach’s approach.
She marked her place in the book, but he’d flipped the lock before she’d stood to let him in.
“Lauren!”
“There’s no need to shout. I’m right here.”
He marched straight to her with a fire in his eyes that said he was a man on a mission. Uh-oh. Whatever had him stomping this morning wasn’t going to be good for her.
He stopped mere inches from her. His shoulders rose and fell in deep breaths. “We need to talk.”
The sternness in his voice had her tensing beneath his piercing stare. “About what?”
“About everything. I know why you’re mad at me. I know why you hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.” Lauren interrupted.
“Yes, you do. Now let me get this out. I’ve hurt you. A lot. I don’t know how to make things right between us because I’ve messed up too much.”
Did he even remember their conversation from the night before? Surely he remembered coming over in the middle of the night. After all, he’d woken up on her couch.
But to think that he’d hurt her too much was an exaggeration. She wasn’t a fragile flower. She’d been forced to withstand some tough things in her life, and Zach wasn’t the worst of it.
He threw his hands out to his sides. “Tell me what I have to do. I can’t eat.
I can’t sleep. I just need you to tell me we’ll be okay because somewhere along the way I started caring about you.
” He slid a hand through his hair before flinging it down at his side.
“I’ve never cared about anyone but myself before, and it’s terrifying. ”
Lauren didn’t dare move. Time stopped as she stared at the man fraying at the seams in front of her.
He cared. That was the biggest confirmation he’d ever given her, and she’d take it and run with it. Zach was finally telling her what he needed, and she had to tread carefully.
He rubbed a hand over his jaw, scraping at the coarse beginnings of a beard. The look brought her back to when she’d visited him in prison. He’d looked so different then—vacant and dejected.
He set his jaw and swallowed. “I’ll beg, okay? Just tell me we can go back to the way things were before.”
She’d had the perfect plan this morning, but she hadn’t planned on a remorseful Zach to show up. She hadn’t planned on curve balls and surprise apologies. She hadn’t planned on the heartbreak of his words and the plea behind them.
“We’re fine—”
“We’re not fine. I’m not fine,” Zach broke in, pointing at his heaving chest.
“Zach, you’re making too big of a deal out of this. Don’t beat yourself up.”
He took a step back and held his arms open. “Hit me.”
“I’m not going to hit you!”
He lifted his chin, dead set on the option he’d chosen. “Yes. Just hit me, and you’ll feel better.”
Her shoulders sank. He truly thought wrongs should be repaid with violence, and the realization was enough to break her heart. “Hitting you isn’t the answer.”
“Lauren, trust me on this. I won’t fight back. Hit me as hard as you can, as much as you want. Let me have it. I deserve everything you can throw at me and more.”
The heat just beneath her skin rose, scorching her body and tightening her throat. She couldn’t do this. She wouldn’t let him continue to believe that she wanted to cause him pain—that she would feel better if she did.
With all the courage she could gather, she closed the distance between them and lifted onto her toes to press her mouth to his.
It was a single moment—a moment that stood still in time as her warm lips melded against his cold ones. Her heart pounded as she broke the kiss as quickly as it had begun.
She couldn’t breathe, and the roaring in her ears hit a deafening level as Zach stared down at her with wide eyes. She’d never seen him stunned before, and she couldn’t predict how he’d react. All she could do was wait in the silence as his chest heaved with every breath.
She’d promised him she wouldn’t touch him, and now she’d broken her promise and probably ruined everything between them.
Slowly, his gaze dipped to her lips and back up again. His voice was low and rough as he whispered, “Hit me again.”
Her hands slid up his chest and neck to cradle his face.
As she pressed her lips to his, Zach’s arms wrapped around her lower back, pulling her up to him and pressing her to his chest. His mouth slid against hers, furious and hot as he surrounded her, drawing her to him with a fire that had been burning for weeks.
The large hand that splayed across her back braced her as she moved with him. For all the fighting they did, the kiss was in perfect sync. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle, and she melted into his embrace.
When the force of the kiss began to ease, Zach set a pace that was both rhythmic and sweet. Each movement drew the anger out of them until the only thing left was relief.
The jagged parts of her that had been gaping wounds began to heal. The sting of everything she’d been fighting against dissipated with every move and touch.
And Zach? He held her tightly as if she might slip from his hands and shatter into a million pieces on the floor. The rush was overwhelming as she struggled to breathe.
Zach broke the kiss and pressed his forehead against hers. A few heavy seconds passed before he asked, “What was that?”
“I don’t know,” she whispered honestly, shaking in his arms.
He lifted his head and smirked. “You mean that wasn’t on your schedule for today?”
She playfully pushed against his chest, breaking the connection enough for her to step into her own space. “It was spontaneous.”
Zach brushed the pad of his thumb over his lips. “I’m rubbing off on you, angel.”
Why did that little word—a simple nickname—cause heat to flare in her chest and neck? It didn’t mean anything. In fact, it had started as a way to annoy her. Now, she wanted to hang onto it when that was the last thing she should do.
She slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans, suddenly aware of the space between them. “Do you feel better now?”
“Yeah.” He looked down at his feet before answering. “Are you sure we’re okay?”
“I’m sure.” She shifted from one side to the other. “But maybe we shouldn’t do that again.”
His head lifted, and his wide eyes said he was ready for a hit—a real one. “Why not?”
“Because we both have a lot of healing to do. After the way I reacted yesterday, I realized that I quit counseling too soon. I should have stayed, especially with you living next door now. And I don’t mean that to reflect badly against you.
It’s something that I have to work on. Zach, I mean it when I say I’ve forgiven you.
But that’s completely different from my mind’s quick reactions to situations that trigger old fears. ”
Zach slid his hand over his head and gripped the back of his neck. “I did this to you.”
Lauren slid her finger along the edges of the Bible laid out on the table. “Actually, you didn’t. I’ve had those nightmares for as long as I can remember. They started way before you.”
Zach’s nostrils flared slightly as he leveled her with an intense stare. “I don’t like that.”
She shrugged. “It is what it is. I’m just saying it’s not your fault.
The second reason I don’t think we should do that again is because my beliefs are important to me.
” She picked up the Bible and held it up between them.
“I know we haven’t talked about my faith or yours much, but I won’t start a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand why I believe in God. ”
Zach rubbed a hand over his scruffy jaw. “I can respect that, but I have a problem with God.”
“What’s the problem?” she asked, treading and listening carefully.
“There is probably a God—some all-powerful being that made the world and stuff—but He doesn’t care about me.”
Lauren’s heart sank, and she cradled the Bible to her chest. “You’re wrong, and I can prove it if you’ll give me a chance.”
He held her stare for a few tense seconds before giving her the smallest nod. “Okay. I’ll listen.”
She put the Bible down and clasped her hands in front of her. “I’ll try not to overwhelm you, but maybe, over time, I can explain why I know the Lord loves you.”
He took a deep breath before conceding. “Fine.”
She took one more step toward him, pulled by the hope that he was open to listening. If they were going to get closer, he had to know she was standing right beside him through everything. “I think that means we should be friends.”
He let his head drop and pinched the bridge of his nose. “This again?”
“Yes, this again. I’m not giving up on you. You might as well let me in and stop fighting.”
He let his hand slide down his face and gave her his full attention. “Fine. We can be friends.” He chuckled. “I can’t believe I’m saying this.”
“Now, do you think we can talk this out now that you know I’m not going to hit you?”
“I mean, I wouldn’t stop you if you wanted to hit me again.” Zach’s mouth lifted on one side in a mischievous smirk, and a blaze of heat warmed her middle just thinking about that kiss.
She gave his shoulder a playful shove, but he didn’t move.
The man was as solid as a rock. “Listen, I don’t want to hold the past against you.
I don’t want my mistakes to define me either.
We can both forgive, forget, and move on so we can both be better.
I still have a lot of work to do too, but we can have that. ”
She reached for him, then stopped. Kissing was one thing, but he didn’t like touch, and she wanted to respect that.
Before she could lower her hand, he grabbed it. His calloused hand gently covered hers in his strong grip. It was the kind of hold meant to calm, not strangle, and her body relaxed.
“You hope too much,” he whispered.
“You don’t hope enough, so I have to hope for the both of us.”
He lowered their hands but kept a gentle hold. “I’m sorry about the way I acted after your date.”
“I’m sorry about what I said after the date. And I’m sorry about what I said after my nightmare. I don’t feel that way. I was scared.”
“It’s fine.”
“I promise I don’t think you’re the devil or evil or a worse human than anyone else. We’re all just people, and we’re flawed. We have to decide on our own that we want to be better, but even then, we’ll still make mistakes.”
Zach scoffed. “I just make more mistakes than others.”
Lauren gripped his hand. “You don’t. Stop dwelling on the bad and start recognizing the good.”
Zach squeezed back, emphasizing the connection between them. “You’re the only good in my life.”
She shook her head. “We have to fix that.”
He rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, angel.”
“The first thing I want to say is, please don’t go back to your old life. I’m begging you. Please leave it in the past.”
Her heart pounded as he searched her eyes. There were tense seconds before he responded. “I’ll try.”
That wasn’t the answer she wanted, but it was a start. “Could you please go to work at the ranch today?” she asked.
The tension in his shoulders softened, and he nodded. “Okay, but can I come work here later?”
“Of course.”
Zach looked down at their linked hands. “I guess that means I need to head out.”
“I said I would make you breakfast.”
He smirked, finally releasing her hand. “I don’t have time, angel.”
She remembered her gift and reached for it on the table. “Here, take this then.”
She handed him the Snickers bar, and he took it, watching intently as if waiting for her to take the gift back. “Thanks.”
“Thanks for staying,” she said. A mirror of her words that had once changed the course of both of their lives.
Zach gripped the candy bar and left without fanfare. When the door closed behind him, Lauren sank into the chair and touched her lips.
She’d just shared the best kiss of her life with a man she’d never expected, but nothing could come of it until they healed their old wounds.