Chapter 31
22 October 2023
Brynn:
How did you know?
Dotty:
Bitch, how did I know what?
Brynn:
NVM
About ten minutes later, I’m sitting in a cosy booth at the back of the diner, laptop open in front of me, pretending that I’m working on my Paris Review application, but really staring out at the street. My application, my plan to deal with Doug, and all the stuff that’s been happening should be taking up space in my brain. But all I can think about is Sienna and how, twice now, feelings about her have overwhelmed me so much that I’ve run away.
A ringing noise pulls me from my Sienna thoughts. I look down at my phone but there are no notifications. The last message I got was from Corey saying she was going to call the police if she didn’t hear I was safe. I replied and she told me she was going to Jake’s for the night. I put the phone face down on the table and resume staring out the window.
‘Miss,’ a lady says from a booth across from me. ‘Miss, I think your computer’s ringing.’
‘Oh, sorry,’ I say and scramble in my backpack for my headphones. I race to get them untangled so that I’ve got enough cord to both plug them in and have them attached to my ears. I wish I could afford airpods.
I press answer and Dotty’s face fills the screen.
‘What the fuck, woman?’ she starts without a hello. ‘Isn’t it like midnight over there or something? Don’t be sending me cryptic WhatsApp messages and then not answering.’
‘Sorry, sis, it’s just been a bit of a day,’ I say. A frown makes her brows dip, and she waits silently as I fill her in on what’s happened. The thing about Dotty is that she says all the right things at the right time. She does this now, and I feel safe in this moment with her. I feel brave.
‘But, sis, can you explain why you sent me that cryptic message? How did I know what?’
I pause and my bravery evaporates. ‘I was kind of hoping we could skip that part,’ I reply, smiling at the waitress who has come to refill my coffee for about the hundredth time.
‘Nope.’ Dotty shakes her head. ‘Spill. How did I know what?’
I rub at my tired eyes and just decide to be truthful. ‘Look, I’m aware that it’s 2023 and that I’m supposed to be part of the most self-aware generation, but let’s call me sexually stunted because of Scott and don’t judge me for a second.’
‘Never any judgement here, tidda,’ Dotty says and I can see her face soften.
I take a breath. ‘How did you know you’re gay?’
She smiles and the corners of her eyes crinkle. ‘Aside from the fact that all men are trash?’
‘Yes, aside from that.’
She sighs. ‘I just always knew,’ she says. ‘Boys were fun to play sports and ride bikes with, but girls were—beautiful. Women are beautiful: we’re all shape and texture, softness and ...’ On the screen she holds her hands up and moves them in waves, as though she’s running them down the silhouette of a woman’s body. I find myself picturing Sienna’s curves and imagining tracing the line of them.
My expression must change because Dotty puts her hands down. ‘You havin’ feelings?’
‘I think so?’ I say, scootching down in the booth. ‘There’s this girl ...’ and I start to talk about Sienna.
I tell Dotty about how smart Sienna is: how she’s studying to be a vet tech and that she’s been supporting herself since she was seventeen. I tell Dotty about the way Sienna dances—with confidence. I explain how I got a kind of tingle in my body when I first saw Sienna on stage at the Cat’s Meow before I even knew who she was. I talk about the softness of her body, the perfect way her curls fall around her face and that drawling accent; the way she calls everyone sweetheart or darling and how every time I’ve needed someone she’s been there.
And then I tell her about the kiss. About how the second Sienna’s lips were against mine I felt like I was both drowning and taking the deepest breath I’d ever taken. How it felt right, and cheesy and like all the love songs and romcoms always say—that it was as though we fit together—and I’d do anything to be kissing her all the time for the rest of my life.
When I look back at the screen, Dotty’s bright white grin is almost all I can see. ‘Well, I’ll be damned,’ she says. ‘You’re in love with a girl.’
I open and close my mouth. My stomach does a weird but not terrible flip. I smile.
I am in love with Sienna.